struggleing to get my 9 year old to bed

[jewels1980]

every night for the past couple of months now my daughter seems to start an arguement with her sister or get moody with me and my partner befor going to bed, this then turns into her crying throwing things or hitting herself, sometimes she says she misses my x partner and gets very angry with me over this. shes not allowed to see my x partner due to legal issues, ive tried star charts timeout and one on one time but she just plays up more any ideas in how i can help her.

Did something happen 2 months ago?

Does she know the legal issues that mean she can't see your ExP? Have these been explained to her? How long has it been and did she know your Ex for a long time?

How long has the Ex been Ex and how long has your current partner been on the scene?

Depending on the answers to the above, she could be feeling very insecure. Night time seems to be the time when any fear/insecurity/worry magnifies. Have you talked to her about her missing your Ex? If she feels that her emotions are being dismissed then that won't be helping. Assuming the Ex has been Ex for a while, maybe there has been a trigger situation at school or with your current partner (potentially something apparently innocuous) - have you discussed this with her when she is calm?

Bedtimes for my DC follow a very predictable order, but we sometimes have problems when past problems return to haunt them - communication has always been the key to success when the normal routine has failed.

Hi thanks yes its been a few months since I've seperated and he was there all her life she's not allowed to see my ex which hasent helped I've tried to explain why but she thinks its my fault and keeps lashing out at me when she calm we can talk really well but then come night time she just starts up again she likes my current partner but when she has her temper tantrums she hates him we have only been together a month, not sure what else I can do if I go upstairs at night with both girls she will just sit there and start tormenting her sister then they start argueing then she starts getting upset.

Night time is when all issues surrounding safety and security come out. Someone who she has probably regarded as a pillar in her life has not just left, he's been ripped away and she's hurting, scared and insecure - she's blaming you because she doesn't understand she's being punished (and that is almost certainly how she sees it). In her mind you've removed someone familiar and replaced him very quickly with someone else, it wouldn't surprise me if she sees you having a new partner as a betrayal.

When she's tired she's not thinking clearly and the result, as is often the case when children are distressed and tired, is a temper tantrum.

Thanks I've also been told its a greveing prosess that she's going though been giveing her lots of time to talk and loads of hugs and reasurrance she's calming down and is getting to bed a lot earlier now thanks for making me see things in a different light