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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

3 days of nursery, then she is refusing to go- URGENT

29 replies

ButterPie · 23/04/2010 12:50

DD1 started her 15 free hours of nursery on Monday. She went for three days and seemed to absolutely love it, but yesterday and today she has refused to go. Both times I have said "ok, let's get you ready for nursery" and she has said "no, I don't like nursery, I don't want to go". She won't give me any more details.

She doesn't really NEED to go, although I was enjoying the break, but we were hoping to use it as a trial run to see if she took to being in a large group or if we should be looking at home education.

We are going on holiday next week, should we try again the week after, or is it just going to be more stress for a just turned 3 year old? Should I insist on her going today? (She has a place 1pm - 4pm)

Help!

(posting on the HE forum as well to see what people there think)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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TerryWogansCock · 23/04/2010 12:53

She is testing you, if you give in to her, she will pick and choose when she wants to go and have control over it

Original poster

ButterPie · 23/04/2010 12:55

But I kind of want her to choose. I'm just worried that she is too little to know what to choose, and that she would have fun if I took her.

I can't stand the idea of dragging a crying child into nursery, especially since I work from home anyway.

OP posts:

Wordsonascreen · 23/04/2010 12:57

If she enjoyed it last time I'd take her.

TerryWogansCock · 23/04/2010 12:57

then you will have trouble when she goes to shcool as she will think she can pick and choose when to go

best to get a routine started now, she isnt too little, its only for 3 hours

Original poster

ButterPie · 23/04/2010 12:59

Terry- I'm not certain she will be going to school, we were going to let her start, and review it after a while to see if it is working. We are keeping our options open at the moment, kind of assuming she will go to school but not discounting HE.

OP posts:

Wordsonascreen · 23/04/2010 12:59

Am a little wary of choice in a nearly 3 year old TBH.

Fair enough choose between the weetabix or the frosties/ the red t shirt or the white, but NOT this.

TerryWogansCock · 23/04/2010 13:02

fair enough, but i think it should be you who chooses if she goes or not.

i agree with words. if i let my 3 yr old make decisions like that i would have tantrums every day,

Original poster

ButterPie · 23/04/2010 13:05

Right, I will go and be all jolly and see if I can chivvy her into going, she has next week to have a break, and I need to pack, and she'll probably change her mind as soon as she gets there, and if not, it is three hours in a room of toys and children, free play, gardens, dancing, fruit and so on, so she will enjoy it.

OP posts:

purpleturtle · 23/04/2010 13:07

Take her to nursery, and offer her the choice of activity to start with - painting or sandtray or homecorner? Do you not put her to bed if she doesn't want to go? Does she plan her own weekly menu? Some things are too much for 3 year olds. Whether or not she goes to nursery is one of them, IMHO.

purpleturtle · 23/04/2010 13:08

Some things are too much for 3 years olds to decide. Sorry.

waitingforbedtime · 23/04/2010 13:09

Oh so when she's said she doesnt want to go she hasnt gone?

Thats a big choice to be giving a 3 year old.

I would take her. I have to say there was a wee boy when ds started nursery (at just 3) and he screamed blue murder and I couldnt have left him if he were mine BUT this little boy loves nursery now and has really come out of his shell.

Im not saying if she cries etc then leave her - I definitely wouldnt BUT take her and if she likes it and enjoys it then thats great.

waitingforbedtime · 23/04/2010 13:12

Also, and I dont mean this as a criticism I am genuinely interested - what if she didnt want to eat what youd given her / go to visit relatives / tidy her toys / get dressed etc ?

CrowAndAlice · 23/04/2010 13:12

DS1 hated nursery - he'd hang off the door knob screaming. I pulled him out for a yr and he went for a term just before school started and loved it then. And he enjoys school now. He just wasn't ready.

Why be miserable at 3?

purpleturtle · 23/04/2010 13:16

You make a fair point CrowandAlice. As ever, decisions have to be made according to the individual child.
The OP did say that her DD had enjoyed nursery, though. As does my DS2 - but that doesn't stop him claiming he doesn't want to go and has no friends (which is not true), right up until the moment we get to the door and he runs in to play!

kif · 23/04/2010 13:17

Tbh - whether or not you decide to HE, respect for schedules and other peoples time will still be important.

I would say give choice in blocks. This term the 'choice' is - she goes to nursery. Next 'term' or 'half term' or 'summer club' (whatever is the relevant division of time for your nursery), you can sit her down at a calm time (i.e. not just before she's due to go) and discuss whether she is interested in it for the WHOLE term. But don't get drawn into her trying to micro-manage and being capricious.

I do see where you are coming from. When I had Ds, I'd had it in my mind that Dd (nearly 3 at that point) would go to nursery to give her structure/extra attention/playmates/sanity etc etc . I took her for a visit to the (lovely) nursery. She was uncharacteristically eloquent that: 'yes', it was a very nice place with very nice people, but 'no' she'd really rather stay at home with me and Ds even if it might be boring and fewer toys and baby might be crying and mummy might be tired and no fun.

I was pretty sceptical - but she really did do very well with me at home. She was much less frustrated by the constraints that I would have expected - consistent with her being motivated to make it a success. After about 9 or 10 months she declared that 'she'd like to go to nursery now'. At which point she went, and it was all pretty low drama.

Bucharest · 23/04/2010 13:18

IIRC from previous threads on this normal and natural reluctance to go, most nursery workers say it takes a good few weeks (sometimes longer) for children to "settle".

Could it be possible she's wondering what fun things Mum is up to in her absence? That's what happened with my friend's dd, she had great fun while there, (we dangled from the rooftops and abseiled down walls and stuff to sneak a look through the windows) but at handover time in the morning she screamed and cried like her world was ending. The minute her Mum had gone she was fine.

You might find myserious tummyaches/earaches start appearing as well.

It's up to you, of course, but I would give her a few more weeks and see how she settles. The holiday is a bit bad timing tbh, as you'll be effectively starting from scratch when you get back. But I'd give it a bit longer before giving up totally. I think the benefits of nursery far outweigh a few weeks of squawking at the beginning.

Original poster

ButterPie · 23/04/2010 13:24

I just remember begging and begging to not have to go to school, and getting actually really painful headaches and stomach aches with the stress. I know I was older (my first strong memories of this I would have been 7 or 8) but I would hate to push DD to do something that just doesn't suit her.

On the other hand, it is a lovely nursery, I know it has all the things she likes, I do need to get this business off the ground or she will be in full time childcare because I will have to get a "proper" job and she is usually a very outgoing child who loves playing with other children.

Maybe it is just tiredness and she will be ok after a break?

OP posts:

Mumup · 23/04/2010 15:10

Gosh, it took me three weeks of hanging out in the nursery with my DD to get her settled (so she wouldn't cry when I left). She spent the first couple weeks claiming she didn't like school, then having a blast while there (which I was there to witness!).

So three days is no time at all. Wait until after your holiday, then get down to work settling her in. It's time well invested as she'll be in a lovely little nursery and you'll have some time to yourself. Bliss.

RacingSnake · 24/04/2010 22:08

DD went to one nursery 1 day a week for a term and cried the whole session, off and on, until I stopped her going.

We found another lovely nursery (only 12 children all outside all summer) where she goes for 2 days a week. She has just, after two terms, stopped crying when I leave her, although she is very clingy.

The general view was that it was my fault she is not more independent. It never really occurred to me that I could just not send her. I feel like a really really bad mummy now. If I had stopped her going, I am sure I would have been told that that was making her worse.

I know that at the school where I work there is one little boy in reception who cries every morning, and all the staff say that it is ALL THE MOTHER'S FAULT.

MadLenny · 24/04/2010 22:46

It's perfectly natural after a few days or even weeks to experience some reluctance to go to nursery as they start to think about what fun things Mum might be up to but also that they have to go every day.
I would persevere with it but also be aware that when you return from holiday you will probably go back to square one and have to start the settling in process from the beginning again. IME we wouldn't have started your DD knowing she was going on hols so quickly and would've suggested waiting until you returned to start with a block and no interuptions.
If you are really keen to give her a choice then is it not also a good idea to teach her that sometimes we need to persevere with things that at first we are not keen on in order to experince the benefit in the long run? IMO it could set a precedent if you allow her to 'give up' after such a short time.

Missus84 · 24/04/2010 22:56

I think it's quite common that after the novelty of the first few days wears a bit of reluctance sets in.

I also don't believe it is necessary to force a child to go to nursery if it makes them miserable, there's plenty of time for school later and 3 is still quite little.

If she enjoys nursery once she's there though, I would persevere with the jollying along for a couple of weeks and see if she settles into the routine a bit.

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 14:34

yes but someone else is pointing out that if you just give in and don't take them to nursery when they decide they don't really fancy going one day, then what kind of message is that sending out if you just say 'ok then. let's not go'??

my nephew has just started (or MEANT to have started pre-school) but decided on the first day he didn't want to go so the parents decided not to force the issue (he's 4.5yo). If this is how they are with him now, what is he going to be like when he starts school? You can't not take them to school just because they don't want to go.

I think to be so inconsistent and not force the issue is cruel to the child in the long run - can you imagine when they grow up if they come across a hurdle that's too difficult they'll just think 'oh no I can't do it, will just avoid it' because that's what the parents have instilled in them.

Pammie70 · 21/05/2010 14:04

I have managed a Pre-school for 10 years and you would not believe the number of children who will cry as if they are abandoned until the minute their parents leave then they go off to play happily (mine included). I do think children know how to flick our guilt switch sometimes.
Don't worry if it is a good setting they will let you know how she is doing, give you a ring if she gets distressed or do as we do and take photographs of the children playing on a digital camera so as to set your mind at rest. Also don't forget children do pick up on our anxiety.
Hope she is doing well, every child is different and it just takes some longer than others.

NorkilyChallenged · 21/05/2010 14:14

She's not saying she hates it though is she? And presumably she would have enough language to say if something was bothering her.

My 3yo dd (3.3) will frequently say she doesn't want to go to things. Nursery but also to the park, to soft play (we go every week, all together), to visit friends, etc. Things I know she does want to do. In many many cases, I've made an arrangement (plus I have dd2 to think about) so I go anyway. And guess what, dd1 has a lovely time and is crying at the end saying she doesn't want to leave.

Part of it is probably that. And so you do need to think of an approach (several have been suggested here) to not give her total control on a day-by-day basis. That's not about nursery in particular but more a general point about her making decisions/calling the shots. Other people have said that more eloquently.

Maybe she's picking up on your mixed feelings about it? But probably she's just being 3

NorkilyChallenged · 21/05/2010 14:16

In fact, she is currently saying she doesn't want to put her shoes on to go and play in teh garden

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