3yr old nursery kid: my dad will be angry with you

[SweetheartLittleLove]

What would you say to my 3 yr old DD?

Today DD told me her best friend in nursery wanted the toy DD was playing with, so she told DD "you're not sharing. I'm going to tell my daddy and he will be angry with you".

My DD's response apparently was "that's not a nice thing to say". Then she gave her the toy.

What surprised me was that my DD was almost in tears and her voice all wobbly when she told me this story. She said Best Friend is not nice (normally she thinks the sun shines out of her arse). I've seen this girl's dad and to be honest he scares the shit out of me just looking at him so I'm not surprised my DD is terrified.

I want to give DD some sound advice on what to do next time and to calm any upset.

I wouldn't worry about what the other girl said, that's just 3 yo nonsense.

I would make sure your DD knows to share and then prime her to say next time "I only share with polite children. Think how to ask me nicely then maybe you can have the toy.", or something equally comical.

Your DD should say 'yes you can have this toy after I've finished playing with it'

I think it's unfair to expect your DD to give up her toy straightaway under the pretence of sharing.

That's what I told her - to say she could have it in a few minutes when it was her turn. But DD just said "her daddy will be angry"

Tell your daughter to not give in to bullies. I never did as a child. Tell your daughter the next time the little girl does not ask nicely, tell her to not give in. If she thinks her dad is that great let her dad approach a child or you. That will not happen.

Poor little mite. It's difficult for 3 year olds to be really sure about how things work and what's true.

How about something like

'Best Friend is wrong. I know her daddy wouldn't be angry, because grown ups don't get angry about not sharing. It's good to share, but it's not something we get angry about. Grownups do get cross if you hit someone or snatch a toy, but we don't get cross if you say that you are still playing with it.

Another thing Grownups don't like is when children are unkind. I think Best Friend was unkind when she said her daddy would be angry, because it scared you. What do you think? wait for agreement Do you think her daddy would think it was unkind of her? wait for agreement So if she did tell him, what do you think he would say? I think he would tell Best Friend to be kind.'

This is very helpful, thank you. I will do this

Role playing through what to say is a really good idea.

I would also prompt her to speak to the adult in charge if another child says something which scares her.

I wouldnt think too much about this. I hear parents say the other parent will be cross if this that or the other happens on their watch alot. Like ooo dont touch that table daddy will be cross when he gets home if it gets scratched' this little girl is just repeating what shes heard probably at home from her family.
Id explain that to your daughter and tell her not to listen to silly things like that and that she doesnt need to be scared of anyone. Id also talk about sharing and say no one is allowed to take a toy from you that you are playing with bomatter what they say. but it is nice to take turns so everyone gets to play and everyone feels happy. If this happened to my son i would encourage him to tell this little girl she can have a turn when hes finished if she asks nicely. And of course follow through and give her that turn not keep the toy himself

Kids say these sort of things, it doesn't mean they are a bully! DS is the softest most sensitive child I know. When he was 4 I picked him up from school and he told me that a child in his class had hit him, but not to worry because he told him 'my dads a really angry man and I'll tell him and he will be cross at you.' For the record DH is not an angry man and I haven't seen him lose his cool once in the 9 years we have been together!

Thank you, these are good reminders. We've been saying things along these lines to DD. She is still best friends with this girl (the girl is lovely too) but there are lots of these incidents cropping up. We think maybe the friend is quite lively and confident whereas DD is he opposite so it's easy for the friend to walk over DD.

We're encouraging DD to say if she's not happy with something. But not dwelling on it too much.

I tend to shrug off most things like this but it's so easy to forget then that things like this can matter to a small child. Especially if it's part of a pattern