I had an abortion at 15 weeks pregnant and I'm feeling beyond guilty. I can't show my emotions around people, even loved ones, but the second I'm alone I just start balling my eyes out. I feel like an AWFUL human being, I feel evil and like I deserve to die and I don't even know why. I saw and looked at the fetus and even requested to look at it alone for a few minutes and I honestly regret it, its making me so sad. This is my second abortion of this year, my last abortion wasn't medical, but it was a surgical one at 12 weeks pregnant. I really wish now I could've kept this baby but I'm too young, don't have the money to care for a baby, simply putting a child up for adoption or foster care is ridiculously difficult and rare in my country right now, and I really didn't want to stay pregnant any longer (hypermesis gravidarum, lost so much weight, my bmi dropped to 15 and felt extremely suicidal from the suffering, esp the fact no one was willing to help and nothing was working, it was the same with my first pregnancy.)
Just seeing the fetus broke my heart into little pieces, she/he looked so peaceful and was recognisable, I don't know. I think it's just my hormones making me so upset. Because I technically also didn't want the baby, it wasn't planned and I know I would never keep it with the way my life is right now, but it just sucks, grieving what could've been.
The abortion experience itself was somewhat traumatic. The pain was brutal, luckily they had IV ibuprofen for me and morphine anytime I pressed the call button. I would say it was around an 8/10, I couldn't clean my sick off the floor or clean myself after using the bathroom once it reached that level and I had to call for painkillers.
I'm also short and very underweight (BMI 15-16 from the weight loss from hypermesis), and hadn't eaten in days or kept liquids down for 48 hours at this point because of the hypermesis gravidarum. So the whole thing just felt so uncomfortable.
Whenever I did pass the fetus, it was ridiculously agonising, and I couldn't get the placenta out, whenever I stood up with nurses assistance to go lie back down in bed and we could wait for it there, I fainted for a split second on the ground. After 30 minutes they got a doctor because the placenta still hadn't passed, and I was "hemmoraging", at least a small one. Aroumd 600mls of blood, and I had to get surgery to remove the leftover tissue within the hour. Before the surgery it was just a bunch of people in a room inspecting inside me and shoving and moving things around inside of me, pumping medicine into three different IVs ect. Then I was taken into surgery and put under general anesthetia , I think it was a vaccum thing they were doing..im not sure. I wasn't told much. after the surgery they checked my hemoglobin g/L, which before I started the medical abortion was 130ish g/L and then dropped to 94 g/L after the surgery. I got to go home and was recommended iron tablets. I just feel so low in energy, like I just want to cry and sleep. I'm grateful I can finally eat food but it's like my appetite has been completely wiped from sadness and grief. My boyfriend has been supportive, getting me snacks and bringing me anything I want so I don't have to get out of bed, if I ask him to grab something that's literally right next to me and put it in my hands, he will do that, so I'm grateful to have that support. I have a birth control implant now to prevent anything like this ever happening again, and I honestly just want to get my tubes tied because I feel like I don't deserve to ever have children at this point. And if the abortion was that brutal physically and my body couldn't even get a placenta out without having a small hemmorage, then I probably can't handle an actual birth.