Regret after ending a pregnancy due to anxiety and HG

[Whatisthisallabout1]

I wish I had found this page 2 weeks ago. I have actively been trying for a baby for 6 months and fell pregnant miss my period on 5th August. I had instant fear and regret, I had HG in my first pregnancy and went straight to abortion services and booked an appointment. I said nothing to anyone not even my husband. I was so sick straight away and lost continence almost straight away (this happened in my last pregnancy too). I was torn as I want a baby and am 39, I was happy and then in the depths of anxiety and depression instantly. I went through with a medical termination on the 14th. Now I feel nothing but regret, that I should have been stronger ect. The HG was so bad in my first pregnancy and just panicked. I have requested therapy, but now hormones have settled I want a baby again. Has anyone had an abortion due to anxiety and survived another pregnancy - age means time not on my side.

I’m so sorry that you went through this. You are not alone - I have been through the same nearly 9 months ago at the end of last year. I did not have HG, but suffered terribly with depression and anxiety with a palnned pregnancy (that took 7 months to conceive). I went back and forth so much and I didn’t know what to do. My heart was hesitating and not wanting me to go through it but my mind was consumed with so much negativity, i felt no connection to the pregnancy. I also pressured myself to rush it as soon as possible. I was 7 weeks at the time. Not sure why I just thought I coupd go back to living my old life afterwards, but the regret was pretty much instant when I truly realized what I had done. Before I went through with it, i felt so disconnected from the whole process… I am not sure how or why my brain was thinking that way. I was a broken mess ever since, have also been diagnosed with ptsd along with depression, ocd, andxiety… from the whole experience. I have been traumatized and will never be the same again. Though time has helped a lot, i have come to enjoy some of the small things in life as well as my two children that i am grateful for. I really try hard not to blame myself completely, because at the end of the day my mental health was suffering, i did what i thought was best at the time. I cant go back and change it, as much as i wish i could. I am also 38, and we decided to try again, I am very early on in a new pregnancy - i have engaged with a psychiatrist and perinatal mental health therapist to help me through it. I just need the extra support. I’m sorry for what you are going through because i very much understand that kind of mental hell. I would recommend speaking to a psychiatrist or therapist to help you if you decide to try again. There are medications for anxiety and depression that are safe in pregnancy. I am taking some medication myself and i think its helped me a lot mentally as well. Feel free to message me if you need any support or have questions.

Amazing thank you for replying - I have spoken to a gp who is on board with hg medication plans and is quite no nonsense. I am just waiting on a therapy appointment also as it’s clear I have PTSD. I just was so consumed by getting pregnant and the 360 turn around in me was so severe. I’m glad you feel more supported in this pregnancy and congratulations

Hi all,

I did the same terrible thing. I aborted a deeply loved child because perinatal depression made me believe I was not good enough and my situation was not good enough- which was heavily reinforced by my own mother and I spiralled into a hellhole purely constructed by my mind that I had not known before. I did not know our minds could play such insane tricks. It’s like I fell from the biggest joy and surprise I ever felt into the deepest abyss all because pregnancy made me realise my family doesn’t care - is outright abusive and my bf kind of abandoned me as I wasn’t being happy and chill enough. Meanwhile he gave zero positive reaction towards baby news just blatant anxiety which confused me. Anyways, I had an abortion - that I didn’t want at all. But as I found myself instantly abandoned by everyone around me, it kind of floored me when I was already spiralling. Not putting responsibility on anyone else but I was looking for anyone on my circle to mirror back something positive and everything I got was judgement, aggression and bizarre comments. Hate to describe now but I feel that at the time my mind and heart were incredibly raw and open and so everything landed with brute force in my nervous system. It felt like a train I couldn’t stop anymore even though I wanted to. And I basically became a suicidal wreck afterwards. Now I am pregnant again and I feel nothing. It’s bringing up so much grief to be honest. Before I felt so incredibly maternal and so deeply fearful for my baby (which I think contributed to massive anxiety and depression) And I was wondering how you all felt in your next pregnancy- if you had one…

I’m still in a really confused state. My termination was in August and I desperately want to be pregnant again. Took 1 month off then went back to trying but panicked and sought emergency contraception. Yesterday was ovulation day day and I had a panic attack doing the deed and that pretty much ruined the moment. I’m in therapy as if I did the same thing again it would end me and my living child is my number 1 focus. I’m also 39 and understand my window is closing rapidly. I have learned a lot in therapy - panic and abortion are my brains safe space. Abortion fixes the immediate conflict and it’s a fight or flight response. I have a pre conception dr appointment tomorrow to discuss mental health plan for possible future pregnancy. Please keep asking for help, the Samaritans are excellent.

@MyPeppyHazelSquid I’m so sorry you went through all that. You are not alone… I am almost year out since mine. It broke me in so many ways and like you I was feeling suicidal after. It is so hard to explain, unless one has been through it. Its the worst thing I have ever gone through. Please please seek out psychiatric help and a therapist. I feel like that is what saved me… medication and a lot of therapy. I am doing a lot better now and finally feel like I have some kind of life worth living again. We did try again and I found out I was pregnant in August but had a miscarriage last month. Waiting for my cycle to be back and will ttc again. It all has been so much more traumatic than I ever thought possible. Please reach out and message me if you need anyone to talk to. This is so so hard to go through and its hard to open up to anyone because “we chose this” even though I would never have chosen this hell it my mental health was good.

thank you for your replies. You’re not wonderful sensitive women I can tell. I can also see that we all have been robbed of our sense of selves and self-trust. I don’t believe we would do the same thing again, I think it’s a fear because we can’t believe we ever did that in the first place. Because we were naive to think life would just be the same as before , because frankly, that’s how everyone else around me including the abortion service acted - because of course for them nothing changes. No one tells you of the worst part, that there is grief in massive amounts because the size of the baby doesn’t matter. It’s grief. It’s a perverse thing to go through and there should be more awareness around the aftermath. I am just shouting out my baby’s name inside my head all the time and I don’t feel any connection to this pregnancy. I feel numb. I know I won’t abort. I just don’t know if I can ever love so deeply again.

I mean : you’re all wonderful and sensitive women. Bloody autocorrect…