Unexpected third pregnancy while juggling finances, health, life and work plans. TW Considering termination.

[DroopyEyelids]

I have no idea what bit of mumsnet to post this on. Apologies if this is triggering for you or upsets or offends you. I think this is a pregnancy choice question. I’m looking for other experiences. But I know this is my choice in the end.

I have an almost 4 year old. And a 16 month old. I returned to work after maternity leave in spring and I’m enjoying my job and really finding it a break from being at home. I work 2 days a week. Eldest is in nursery 3 days a week, funded by the Scottish govt. Youngest is in 2 days, paid for privately.
Things are financially difficult at home. We are not in significant debt and about to lose our house but making ends meet every month is impossible and I’m constantly paying my credit card off at pay day with no spare spending and no money pots for Christmas or birthdays and next years holiday. My husband is in a good job and earns well. But not 6 figures or anything like that.
We have one car and a small house in a nice area. We don’t make extravagant purchases. We do one holiday abroad a year.
I have a work exam coming up next year that I have had to postpone multiple times before due to previous children. I just want it done so I can move up within the company. It’s holding my pay back and my work are a bit annoyed it’s taking so long.
I have a small umbilical hernia, an uncomfortable bladder prolapse (not severe enough for surgery) and separated stomach muscles from my last big baby birth. I do not feel healed yet but I was just starting to feel like I could one day be fitter and healthier again.
We were going to have a conversation about having a third next year after my eldest starts school.
Unexpectedly, I am pregnant again. I am 5 weeks.
The baby is not unwanted but ill timed. I have been pregnant and / or breastfeeding for almost 5 continuous years now.
I am religious and also pro choice. I never believed it was my right to make a choice like this for anyone else but this would never happen to me. I don’t use birth control because I don’t like the hormones. I’m still breastfeeding and we rarely have sex that it didn’t seem critical to get it sorted urgently with everything else going on. We are/were careful but had a pretty catastrophic misunderstanding about pulling out. We were both tired after a long day and it’s no one person’s fault. Although I would say he never does this and it was such a surprise that he did it, that I burst into tears immediately after we conceived because I knew the outcome then. But here we are.
I have started the ball rolling for a medical abortion at home. If I’m going to do that I want to do it sooner rather than later.
I don’t feel the same excitement I felt for my first two. We need a bigger car, we don’t have the money for maternity leave and nursery. I don’t know how my existing children will cope. I don’t know how I will cope with 3, 4 and under. I’m due in April. My eldest starts school in August. My youngest will be 2 and I’ll be home with them and a newborn. I just feel like I’m at my wits end as things stand and I’m not the mother I want to be when I’m tired. I’m scared about the effect of a baby on my prolapse and hernia and general health. Husband is supportive of my choice and feeling guilty. We are both swaying each way. Are there any other religious mothers out there who have terminated? How have you been able to move forward?
I know it’s deeply personal but if my circumstances resonate with you please tell me your story even if it’s not a happy ending. I need to do my due diligence before I commit to doing this awful thing. I almost wish I had a “good reason” like fleeing an abusive relationship or homeless or 15. But I’m a middle aged woman in her thirties and I should have known better than to get myself into this position. God has a plan and it’s a real test of my faith because his plan has thrown a grenade into all aspects of my life. No matter what I do, a termination is not an undo button and a pregnancy is life changing for all of us, so I can never go back to the great life I had a month ago. Can I ?

Hiya hun I can really hear your pain . My story is very diffrent to yous . I was 37 and just left my job when I got pregnant by a man who said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby nor would he financially support the child. I have no kids and as a child my dad left and I couldn't bare raising a child alone and my child feeling the pain I felt without a dad. So I can't speak to your life experience at the moment but in regards the termination . I regretted it deeply. I begged god for my child back after I realised what I had done . I have never in my life felt pain like it the deep deep sorrow. I wasn't the same person anymore for a long time. I hated life and everyone in it. it's been two years since and I still can't really think or talk about that time in my life . But understand my experience was diffrent . Some women don't regret their choice some women feel relived and that's okay. You are not doing an awful thing as you have called it. You are being a wonderful mother and thinking of your current children alive and the new pregnancy . So please be gentle with yourself. Unfortunately there is no way to know how you will feel untill a person chooses a termination.

for me personally I still struggle with the decision I made and I'm still trying to forgive myself . Even though at the time I genuinely believed it wasn't fair on my child to have a mother who wasn't employed and no father for him or her. Selfishly I wanted to keep the baby I loved the baby so much but my heart shattered at the thought of a future where they felt unloved and abandoned like I did .

That's not to say it you choose a termination you will experience regret. You may feel relived and at peace with your choice .
just try not to rush it and don't ask people for their advice or opinion like i did. It completely messed me up and I still secretly resent the ones who told me to terminate to this day .

I wish you all the best and I hope my story hasn't made you feel a negative way rather I wanted to give you an honest reflection on how some women can regret their decisions depending on their circumstances but some women are at peace and okay . Sadly there is no way to know untill it happens . Mind yourself hun 🩷💫

How are you doing @DroopyEyelids? it's an awful position to be in, like you say these things happen, try not to be hard on yourself. I went through a similar situation in April - 2 dc 3.5 and under, finally back to work and enjoying myself, bad pelvic floor, dc2 awful sleeper and hard work - decided to terminate. Physically the experience was fine but mentally I did have a tough time for the following 3 months or so. Lots of guilt and 'what ifs'. But I feel on the other side of that now - still occasional sadness but overall think I made the right choice for myself, dc and my marriage. It sounds like you know what you want to do and while that doesn't make it less sad, keep holding onto that logic through the tough points. Be kind to yourself x

Didn't want to read and run, I really feel for you reading your story and it sounds like you are in a really really tough position

I had a termination last November. When i fell unexpectedly pregnant with number 4. We already have 3 children and the thought of another one when i was still breastfeeding number 3 who was 18 months at the time, as well as being a stay at home mum just felt like too much. Although we could have made it work, it would have been a struggle and I felt bad for how it would impact my other 3 children , my marriage and our finances (even though we are in quite a good position another child of course costs a lot!) . So at 5 weeks I had the termination.
The months that followed were awful, I went into a depression and felt so much guilt and regret. I tried counselling but nothing worked. I really felt that the only thing that would help me would be to have another baby, to ease that guilt and for something good to come out of something bad.
I can never change what i did, and I also know logically it did make sense practically. But in my heart I know I made the wrong choice for me as a mother.
so I am now 6 weeks pregnant with number 4. All the 'problems' and worries that led me to terminate I just don't see as being that big of a deal anymore. We will make it work and it will all be fine. It'll be chaotic and hard work, but it has really lifted me out of the dark cloud I've been under.
Obviously this is just my experience, you have to do what is right for you. But I really wish I had spent longer to think about it and not just rush into terminating. I tried to shut my feelings off and just wanted it all over with as quickly as possible, but now I know if I had thought about it for longer I would and should have made a different choice for me personally x