Pregnant after agreeing to try, but husband now wants a termination

[Conflicted43]

I am in turmoil and need some support / advice / hope.

My DH and I have a wonderful 6yo DS. We’re both soon to turn 43.

We decided 3 months ago to try for another baby. I thought we had discussed it fully. We felt nostalgic for the baby years and that we had more love to give.

I have now found out I am pregnant (I conceived 4 1/2 weeks ago) and my husband’s reaction has completely floored me. He is vehemently against continuing with this pregnancy. The reality of the situation is completely different to what I had idealistically imagined.

He has all sorts of completely logical reasons that have terrified me. They mainly focus on the possibility of having a child with a physical or mental disability (e.g. severe autism) which is higher because of our ages) and how this would ruin our lives and our DS sons life, how we are too tired to do this all again as older parents, how he doesn’t want to take time or attention away from DS. Essentially he seems to feel this is a huge betrayal of DS and we will have ‘lost’ our time with him and his childhood. My head tells me that he is correct and that there is a very high potential that this will destroy our lives. He said that we were so happy as things were with our family of 3.

I didn’t feel that I put any pressure on him to agree to TTC because I was on the fence myself. I really thought it was a mutual decision. He now says he doesn’t know what he was thinking / he wanted to make me happy, which doesn’t make any sense!

I am now considering terminating the pregnancy but the thought of it fills me with dread / guilt / shame. I was brought up as a Catholic although I do not regularly attend church. I feel God and my mother would never forgive me.

DH suffers from OCD which takes the form of intrusive thoughts. We have had some really tough patches in our relationship because of this. When DS was 15 months old he talked about ending our relationship but it turned out that it was due to OCD thoughts. We came through that and we love each other so much. He recently saw his counsellor who said that his negative feelings towards the pregnancy are valid (and not an OCD spiral) and he was right not to lie to me.

He is not threatening to leave me but there is a sense that he thinks our relationship is doomed. He says terrible things like “I am cursed” and “I’ve made my bed and I’ll have to lie in it” and he’s “hoping for a miscarriage but now he’s said it, it won’t happen”. He doesn’t seem to think he can love this new child at all or as much as DS.

DH has a narcissistic mother who has frequently overridden his wishes and he feels like he has been pushed into life choices against his wishes in the past. This feels to him like another instance of being forced down a certain path.

I feel like I am portraying DH to be a terrible person but he is actually very loving and supportive.

TBH I find myself hoping for a miscarriage which makes me feel like a terrible person.

My head tells me I should terminate but my heart tells me another child might be healthy and beautiful and it might be wonderful for DS to have a sibling.

I feel like my choice is:

• to have this baby but potentially tear apart my happy existing family, incurring my husband’s resentment, and bringing a child into the world who might not be loved the way they should be, or
• to terminate and have regrets and guilt forever and potentially resent my husband.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Could my husband come around and love this child?

Could I ever get over an abortion?

How will DS cope with a sibling? Will he be neglected?

Could I cope with parenthood starting at 43?

Is the risk of having a disabled child too high at our ages? Has anyone had healthy pregnancies at 43?

Hi there! I’m sorry you are facing such uncertainty when this was initially planned. Please do no feel like you have to terminate just to make your husband happy. An unwanted abortion can be catastrophic mentally and will likely be the end of your relationship anyway. It would be hard to get over any sort of resentment over this. Its easy for men to just say “get the abortion” but your body is the one that will physically and psychologically go through this and the impact cannot be underestimated. He may be just panicking about it because of his ocd/anxiety but he should not be asking you to terminate if you do not want to. The decision should come from you alone. Many women have children in their 40s now, and most are healthy. I also think the ultrasounds/scans are more advanced than ever and most diagnosis can be picked up during a scan, at which then familys decide whether to move forward or terminate. I think from what you have written, an abortion would send you into a depression spiral, and once done it can never be undone. I’m pro-choice and i have had an abortion myself 8 months ago - due to terrible depression and anxiety i experienced. It honestly has been hell living with this, i wish i sought help from professionals before i did it. I think it will haunt me the rest of my life no matter what happens. Perhaps schedule something with a therapist to talk this through but from what you wrote it sounds like to really want to keep your baby. Listen to your heart, i know i wish i did instead of listening to my head.

I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. Would you consider an NIPT test in a few weeks? Is there a history of diagnosed or undiagnosed ASD in your family? The chance of having a healthy baby is still much better than not, even at 43.

The situation you're in now is different to hypothetical deliberation over whether to TTC again. Your DH was equally responsible for creating this pregnancy.

You will never stop resenting your husband if you abort a pregnancy that you want to continue at his behest, especially when he agreed to you both TTC in the first place.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether to be a single mother to one child or two, because, even if you miscarry, you will never forget how he said "yes" to TTC a second child and then wanted backsies and was, frankly, a total fucking drama queen about it. He's shown you that he will flake out about big life decisions. Can you trust him again now? Enough to stay married? I couldn't.