Husband doesn't want me to go ahead with termination

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi there, this isn't my first post so apologies but I'd love some advice and to know peoples views. I recently found out I am pregnant which was a massive shock as our two children are both IVF babies. I have made the sad decision to end the pregnancy as our children are only 1 and 2 and I adore them but find it totally exhausting. Plus I have only just gone back to work and am enjoying it and feeling like I have a tiny bit of me back, especially after breastfeeding both for a year each. I am suffering bad morning sickness, and I had tough pregnancies and a very tough birth with my second child. And I have been left with some bladder issues. I just feel psychologically I can't go through it all again. And that I wouldn't manage three, especially with no family nearby and I just want to focus on the two amazing children I have. I will of course be sad to end it and I am scared of regret or guilt but I feel this is the best thing for me. However my husband is very against me ending it and really wants me to keep it. He feels it's a little miracle and that I should go ahead. We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil. Obviously this really upset me and has played on my mind a lot. I have tried to consider his view too but I just can't have a baby just for him and the idea of going through with it fills me with so much anxiety and panic. What would you do and am I a bad person if I go ahead against his wishes? Thanks

You go out and pay for a lovely meal. Just as you are leaving you get the same meal delivered you your table. Do you eat it because it's free?

As a couple they wanted children and were happy with two. Why force a third child on someone?

Money has nothing to do with it!

People are allowed to be of the view that life begins at conception. That's hardly forcing people to give birth.

Of course. But they should not vote against abortion rights nor try to push it onto others.
OP you have made your choice, this isn't your husbands choice to make. It's not him giving up his body or his career. This is your choice alone.

This isn't about you. Nor is it a happy marriage when her husband tells her she would be a murderer.

This. I have humdinger arguments with my husband. But saying this to you is just awful.

My dd is an ivf child. I only have the one as the pregnancy was too difficult to repeat.

You do you. You aren't the OP.

Do most people not have that conversation? I told my boyfriend at 18 that if I got pregnant unexpectedly he'd be a father, so he better be okay with that. Best to set these expectations ahead of time so there are no surprises.

Please ignore anyone saying you’ll love the baby when it’s arrives, it’s not always the case!! I’m the fourth child and was unwanted. My dad ignored my existence as a child and my parents divorced. My siblings hated me and I think still have some resentment towards me. My siblings (I think) were quite easy children but I was unhappy and have learning difficulties so mum has very much painted me as the black sheep. I have lifelong depression and feel alienated from my family.

I think if your husband is prepared to take the lead child care wise after the baby is born then he does get a say. If he isn't. If you're expected to take the full maternity leave and do all the night feeds etc then he doesn't have a say. Part of your reason for not wanting the baby is the pressure it will put you under. Maybe investigate whether he's prepared to be lead parent when it's born. I think your marriage may we'll be over if you terminate which means whatever happens carrying on as you are and enjoying the two you have isn't an option. Good luck OP.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, OP

Your DH can of course voice his opinion on this as it will affect him too. Ultimately though, the final decision is yours as it is your body, your mental health and you are the one on maternity leave.

I wish you all the best and I hope your DH can accept your decision and be happy with the family you have.

Remember, if you split in the future you'll be left with all three.
The vast vast majority of men don't tend to take the DC with them when they up and off. Let alone do 50/50.

Exactly

Given that this couple presumably tried a while before having IVF and believed they were infertile, why would they have had this conversation? it’s very different from the one at 18 where it was too early for a person to become a mum.

I haven’t had the conversation for years with DH but if I got pregnant now, I would abort as my kids are teens. If it had happened 10 years ago… maybe. Much more circumstance linked at this time
in life.

I was responding more generally to another comment, not specifically to OP. I'd hope before they knew they would need IVF this topic had been discussed though.

18 wasn't too young to become a Mum for me. Mine are almost completely grown now and I'd feel obligated to have any baby I conceived because of my own beliefs. Another child now is the last thing I want and I'd be in huge turmoil over the situation though, I can admit that. I don't think that's the perspective anyone else should take, just how I feel for me.

You’d have a “happy marriage” with someone who called you evil and a murderer?

Why do the forced birthers think they ever have anything relevant to add? Fuck off

quite

You need to sit down and outline all your reasons why having this baby would be detrimental to your physical and mental health. If he still wants you to have the baby he doesn't care about you. I think it's terrible to be more worried about a fetus than your wife. I wonder if he would be willing to have his body ripped apart and have to give up work?

A baby (particularly one you don't want) is still a bigger consequence than divorce.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Just to answer a couple of questions, no we never had a conversation about our stance on abortion etc. To be honest until this happened I feel like I'd have said differently anyway but it just all feels too much after my last pregnancy and birth, the issues I have been left with etc.
Also, I have discussed my husband taking an extended paternity leave from work as a possible option (although I still don't think I'd really be totally open to this), but my husband earns double what I do so it is tricky.

@tootiefruitie6 if he is a high earner could you afford a doula?

They are all the rage in US. A friend of mine got one here (she’s American herself).

She was there just prior to the birth to help and then stayed until baby was about 9m old and went into nursery.

The support was phenomenal.

My DD had a private midwife with her second. The support and personal attention were marvellous and saw her through a serious ante-natal depression. MW was beside her all the way through, including during the hospital birth.

Op I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy when mine were 3 and 1 so similar ages to yours.. I was back to work and things were going well..,

I booked the termination as soon as I got the positive result! I could not afford a third baby, we had no room for a third and I didn't think I could cope with 3 under 4.

I don't regret it but do think about "what if.." from time to time and I'll never forget that potential baby (I have a faith and I do light a candle and say the odd prayer) however i had to my current two children and myself first!

Only you can make the right decision for you and your circumstances op.

Sending

Had to think of my two children and myself first that should've said!

There are some appalling views on this thread. I can't understand why MNHQ are allowing anti-abortion opinions to stand.

Anyway op. I think there are two things which should be said:

1. If your terminate, you are not 'evil'. Deciding not to have a baby is a perfectly reasonable decision, as it is to have one. There is no better reason to have/not have a baby, other than you want one/you don't want one.

1. Having two babies puts a huge strain on your body. You have bladder issues which will not be improved by carrying and birthing another baby. Would your dh feel you should have a say if he didn't want to do something which left him incontinent?

Please do what's right for you. If he relationship ends, that's on your dh not you.

Your lack of logic has just been pointed out on another thread. You care so much about life that you just had to be here to tell us your pro life/forced birth views, but you’re on the thread about a mass shooting in America saying the deaths of those people, do not register with you. I guess not all life matters eh?

You disgust me.

"If he dosent want children he should go get a vasectomy and refrain from sex "
same could be said for op. Clearly she dosent want another child, why didn't she get a hysterectomy and refrain from sex? works both ways. What a dickhead thing to say. So stupid