Husband doesn't want me to go ahead with termination

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi there, this isn't my first post so apologies but I'd love some advice and to know peoples views. I recently found out I am pregnant which was a massive shock as our two children are both IVF babies. I have made the sad decision to end the pregnancy as our children are only 1 and 2 and I adore them but find it totally exhausting. Plus I have only just gone back to work and am enjoying it and feeling like I have a tiny bit of me back, especially after breastfeeding both for a year each. I am suffering bad morning sickness, and I had tough pregnancies and a very tough birth with my second child. And I have been left with some bladder issues. I just feel psychologically I can't go through it all again. And that I wouldn't manage three, especially with no family nearby and I just want to focus on the two amazing children I have. I will of course be sad to end it and I am scared of regret or guilt but I feel this is the best thing for me. However my husband is very against me ending it and really wants me to keep it. He feels it's a little miracle and that I should go ahead. We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil. Obviously this really upset me and has played on my mind a lot. I have tried to consider his view too but I just can't have a baby just for him and the idea of going through with it fills me with so much anxiety and panic. What would you do and am I a bad person if I go ahead against his wishes? Thanks

He can absolutely help calling her evil and a murderer. He’s risking her resenting him for that.

The end of a marriage to a man who calls her evil and a murderer doesn't seem like the worst thing ever.

Feel very sad for you that you’re in this situation OP, it isn’t easy at all.

Just to be open, I am normally against abortion unless there are valid risks to the mother’s life and/or medical issues with the baby that would mean a seriously lesser quality of life.

However, you already have two children to think of and support, you’re being logical about you capabilities and fears for your mental and physical health. Being a mother is really hard work and you’re realistic about what you can offer.

That said, your husband is against this, and I fear that this could tear such a hole between you that your marriage will end. And then what stress will that put on you and your children?

There is no winning situation here in terms of negative circumstances.

I think you need to have more conversations with your husband to see if you can work this out between you.

Either you go ahead with the abortion as planned and he supports you and you move on. Or, if there is no financial impediment, you decide to keep the baby, and you do a few things to make that easier - he takes paternity to look after baby/no or limited breast feeding and you get more help.

I’m in the fortunate position of never having needed to have an abortion.

If my husband described a woman who needed an abortion as a “murderer” or “evil”, I would leave him. Not only would it show him to be misogynistic and judgmental, it would also signify that we have a vast chasm in our beliefs. For most people, attitude towards abortion is tactic so the vast majority of people will not change their opinion either way.

A man who would describe a woman as evil or a murder is one who can’t be relied on to support that woman should she get pregnant unexpectedly. Unfortunately OP, you’re now in this situation. He may threaten that your marriage is over if you do terminate, but really your marriage will end depending on how he conducts himself once you do terminate.

I really feel for you. It’s a horrible situation.

I agree. I am not religious but believe a new person, in very early development, exists from the moment of conception. My own being pregnant would be my worst nightmare right now because of this belief.

However, this is not about me and what I believe. OP is clearly accepting of abortion as an option for her and it is her decision for her family and self. What I think about the status of an early pregnancy isn't relevant.

OP, I think you need to check with your DH if he would be happy to be the SAHP for a while, if you think there is a possibility you would want to go through with the pregnancy if not having to take parental leave wasn't a factor. Find out all the options, seek independent counselling from someone who can take a neutral position, and decide. Maybe your marriage won't survive a termination, from your what you've said here, but how will it be if the resentment is on your side? You've got a lot of factors to weigh up. In the end, you just make the best decision you can.

I do have some empathy for the father, having gone through the ivf process and thought they could never conceive naturally. Here is their natural baby.

And for very valid and understandable reasons she doesn’t want it. And he’s powerless to do anything about it. It’s not like he can continue on the pregnancy himself, or force her to continue. Zero power. I can understand him not being able to cope in a relationship where this happened, I couldn’t.

Op whatever happens, get tubes tied/protection used from now on if you don’t want any more children.

Also to reiterate very supportive of whatever you decide, it’s an incredibly difficult situation and I think you’ve handled yourself admirably with such composure and clear thought.

Just saying it’s a dreadful situation for both you and your husband being so polarised in terms of what you want.

Wish you the best and hope you are able to work through this time.

ClingingonNow: Having had one baby and one abortion, I would say that the massive and irreversible consequence was the baby, not the abortion.
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Too right! Well said.

Op, I am so sorry for your predicament and totally sympathise with your decision to terminate your pregnancy. I know I would feel the same.

Your husband doesn't really think you are evil or a murderer, that's just his pain and frustration manifesting itself.

I feel for both of you and hope you are able to work it out in your relationship. A neutral sounding board would be helpful such as couples counselling with a recommended and suitably experienced therapist. That may not be your thing but is worth considering. I am sure you see your husbands point of view but I doubt he really understands yours, he cannot walk in your shoes; he could be helped to do so.

Good luck.

I haven't seen that, must have missed it but to be honest it crossed my mind as a possibility. However the op isn't thinking of doing that so why think about it.

So is he saying he will break up with you if you have an abortion? So be it then, it’s an unreasonable demand and you might be better off without him in some respects

Your body. Your choice. End of story.

Read the thread... Jesus Christ

This!
(but leave the cats out of it! They are all pro choice 😆)

If it were me, I think I would be reflecting that keeping the baby would likely end my relationship, the all consuming resentment I’d feel would likely mean things ended, maybe not immediately but almost certainly down the line. So then I would be a single mother with 3 children, 1 I didn’t want. Versus going ahead, which could mean the end of your relationship too, but you would at least not have been coerced into something you didn’t want along the way.

I can’t imagine my husband behaving this way (had a termination about 8 months ago). But if he did, I’m not sure I could see a way forward.

@ClingingOnNow so well said! Likewise here.

I would 100% choose to be SAHM with three young kids and a happy marriage vs. what you are wanting :( :(

You think a happy marriage can be had with a man who isn’t concerned with his wife’s health and happiness and who says she is evil?

OP, he's had plenty of nasty things to say to you regarding termination but I'm curious as to what he has said about the potential for further and possibly irreversible damage to your body that this may cause. What has he said about that? Or the potential for mental health issues that may come with being 'persuaded' to have another child that YOU know you aren't ready for? What is his plan to take over the responsibility and pressure YOU know you are not ready for?

Why exactly does he not believe YOUR health and wellbeing is important enough to take into account. Or to dismiss entirely what YOU know you are able to cope with? What say he?

Why do the forced birthers think they ever have anything relevant to add? Fuck off.

I received the gift of a third child too, but it's only a gift if it's something you want. As much as I love my 3 DC and would have actually loved a 4th I don't think I could go through pregnancy ever again, I don't think I could mentally survive it so I get that @tootiefruitie6 . I believe it is wholly your choice, he gets an opinion, but ultimately the choice is yours. He should never have said what he did, but if he can't have a relationship with you because of that choice, he has the right to make that decision. Personally I feel if he wants this child but he hasn't offered to take leave with the baby and do all the night wakes and the hardest bits, then it's bullshit he's pushing that back on you. His choice is easy, if he's expecting you to do everything and he knows you can't then he's really not offering you a choice in this. So he should step up or shut up about it.

I didn't mean you should stay pregnant if he does step up just that it's all words from his side unless he's offered to be the stay at home parent, the night nurse, take the career hit. It's easy to say you have to keep the pregnancy when he's not the one that's going to bare any of it.

How offensive, and what an utterly ghastly post

I had two abortions before having my DC. I don't give it a moments thought. I certainly never regretted it.

Interesting. I remember at 18 telling my then boyfriend that if I got pregnant I wouldn't be keeping it and that if he had a problem with that I needed to know.