Husband doesn't want me to go ahead with termination

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi there, this isn't my first post so apologies but I'd love some advice and to know peoples views. I recently found out I am pregnant which was a massive shock as our two children are both IVF babies. I have made the sad decision to end the pregnancy as our children are only 1 and 2 and I adore them but find it totally exhausting. Plus I have only just gone back to work and am enjoying it and feeling like I have a tiny bit of me back, especially after breastfeeding both for a year each. I am suffering bad morning sickness, and I had tough pregnancies and a very tough birth with my second child. And I have been left with some bladder issues. I just feel psychologically I can't go through it all again. And that I wouldn't manage three, especially with no family nearby and I just want to focus on the two amazing children I have. I will of course be sad to end it and I am scared of regret or guilt but I feel this is the best thing for me. However my husband is very against me ending it and really wants me to keep it. He feels it's a little miracle and that I should go ahead. We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil. Obviously this really upset me and has played on my mind a lot. I have tried to consider his view too but I just can't have a baby just for him and the idea of going through with it fills me with so much anxiety and panic. What would you do and am I a bad person if I go ahead against his wishes? Thanks

Im
so
sorry that you are in this position and that your husband has said what he did.

Your body, your choice. For the posters saying the marriage might not survive a termination - it might well not survive a forced birth, and then there would be a third child in the mix too, possibly aware in time that its birth and the break up were linked. Much worse.

He is right to express his opinion, but it ultimately has to be your decision. It's your body and it's REALLY hard going through pregnancy and especially childbirth. You already say you have some bladder issues (me too) and they will not get better with a third. The financial strain of a third is huge and childbirth is not without risk. I think go with your gut instinct on this one. You already have two miracles and don't need the stress, or risk, of a third. His body isn't at any risk whatsoever so it's very easy for him to say that you should have it. All the best best whatever you decide x

I would leave my husband if he said those things to me.
He knows you've had multiple health issues since having your second and is selfish enough to not care about his wife's health and wellbeing and focus on trying to guilt you into stretching your body and mind to the limit or even breaking it to get the baby he managed to make without help.

This is all about his ego, he is not being a good husband or father, he has 2 children alive and kicking that he should be grateful for and kissing the ground you walk on for going through the horrendous journey of IVF and making sure that you as their mother are safe and well.

Does he not realise pregnancy and childbirth can kill you?

It's very easy to have his pov when he isn't the one making any sacrifices or putting his body through trauma.

I would leave such a selfish, entitled bastard, how dare he talk to you like that.

If you terminate it's not just death of the child between you but your marriage will be dead too. How can it not be? That new life is half him and he is helpless to protect him or her. You say you don't like being selfish but that you think this time you have to be. It's clear you're trying to take the easier path for yourself as the baby carrier but I would suggest termination won't be the easy path at all. If you can't cope, can you find ways to be able to cope, especially through whichever time you find the hardest - maybe a nanny for the breastfeeding colicky period or the 'terrible twos'. I get the overwhelm. I've got an incurable disease that made it punishingly harder than normal to be a Mum and I was so afraid. But I love that little person with such strength. The thing is, these stages don't last however bad then are at the time, and with the right support you may find it's not as bad as you feared when you get there. Don't forget, your other children are also getting older (and therefore easier) all the time.

I think you'll regret it more if you get rid of your third unborn child with your husband than if you don't.

@Blossom2023 A baby isn't a baby at this stage. Its a zygote that forms into an embryo that then forms into a fetus (if the mothers body does not eject it for defects) and then at birth it becomes a neonate (newborn baby). A fetus actually acts as a parasite.

Yes, lots of women are excited about a pregnancy and love their growing child unconditionally at whatever stage but a woman should not be made to carry something that isn't even a baby yet because someone else, who wont feed it, clothe it or even care for it, decides its a "cute" and deserves to live. A womans health, mental and physical, will always come first over a bundle of cells.

Would you want the baby if he was the one to take a year of paternity leave and look after the children? If so, worth putting it to him. If he feels so strongly he should be willing to put his money where his mouth is.

I would bet money if you had this baby it would be favourtised over your older two as well, I have no doubts, can you imagine?

Makes me sick.

@TimeToBreakFree It isn't a child yet.. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Just because you can cope doesn't mean other people should have to. Again, the mental and physical health of a woman who is already alive and breathing, tops a grouping of cells that isn't even medically classed as a child.

Not all children go through hard stages as babies and grow out of them. Some have profound needs that will require care forever. When you choose to have a baby you accept that possibility. Part of the reason I had my own termination was because I could not accept that possibility, at the age I was.

I don't regret my termination and physically it was easy.

The religious loons need to fuck off.

Hope you’re ok OP.

It's not actually just religious people who are anti-abortion fwiw. I know several atheists, some of whom studied philosophy, who also came to the conclusion that it is not something they agree with.

People are allowed to be of the view that life begins at conception. That's hardly forcing people to give birth.

Also not unreasonable for there to be a range of opinions on a thread like this.

This is a good point. He could easily be the one to take 10 months leave. Had he suggested it? It doesnt need to be you taking leave after week 6.

but i agree with the pp. this is probably the end of your relationship regardless. So dont what works for you and your children.

Your body your choice - yes

But he can't help the way he feels either. You need to really talk/think about it or you do risk him resenting your choice whether he means to or not.

@Rightnowstraightaway It's a backwards thought, athiest, religious whatever.

Making someone feel awful about aborting something that isn't even a formed being is insane to me. Shouldn't we be more concered about the people already on this planet rather than fussing over a ball of cells that acts as a parasite, growing in someone elses body?

If we fought harder for the children already here living hellish "childhoods" and impovrished, i think that would be a better use of energy. Putting more effort into womens rights and mental wellbeing would be great too.

@Blossom2023 Because its insensitive and rude to refer to a fetus for what it is when its a long awaited child or a wanted child.

@Blossom2023 if doctors started saying "ooh this parasite is growing nicely" i think we'd get put off and humanity would die out 😂😂

ODFOD

I think you might consider a medical abortion and saying that it's a miscarriage.

You start bleeding once you get back from the clinic. There's no reason that he needs to know that that's where you'd been. I don't think anything about the process is very different from miscarrying, other than that you're more prepared with pain medication so it might be less painful.

This.

I can see from your husbands point of view as it was so hard to conceive the other 2 children. But ultimately being pregnant is hard. Giving birth has risks and he is not the one who has to go through them. So you should have the final say OP. But if you are going to have one i would do it sooner rather than waiting for the embro to grow more. You might also have to wait for a appointment.

I personally don't think it's right to be pro or anti abortion in all cases. I think there are some terribly sad cases in which abortion is the best option, but think it's going too far the other way to flippantly describe an embryo as just a bunch of cells that anyone can discard without a care in the world.

I don't see any religious loons pushing an agenda here, and pro-abortionists can also be aggressive in their approach. I just see people sharing their opinions which is what the OP posted for after all.

Of course impoverished children and women's rights also matter.

Does he actually care about your health? You've just told us here your concerns, your health issues and your birth trauma. I completely understand your fear and respect your decision.

Why the hell doesn't your husband?

Well, no, because the other possible consequence is the end of OP's marriage.

@Rightnowstraightaway It isn't flippant it's realistic. It's literally how a child is created. It isn't about it "just be discarded" it's about knowing rationally what it is and having the freedom to decide what is best without judgement. It's putting women 1st.

I see people being very judgemental and ignorant, already calling this a child and applying a little splash of guilt here and there. And i don't think its fair.