Husband doesn't want me to go ahead with termination

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi there, this isn't my first post so apologies but I'd love some advice and to know peoples views. I recently found out I am pregnant which was a massive shock as our two children are both IVF babies. I have made the sad decision to end the pregnancy as our children are only 1 and 2 and I adore them but find it totally exhausting. Plus I have only just gone back to work and am enjoying it and feeling like I have a tiny bit of me back, especially after breastfeeding both for a year each. I am suffering bad morning sickness, and I had tough pregnancies and a very tough birth with my second child. And I have been left with some bladder issues. I just feel psychologically I can't go through it all again. And that I wouldn't manage three, especially with no family nearby and I just want to focus on the two amazing children I have. I will of course be sad to end it and I am scared of regret or guilt but I feel this is the best thing for me. However my husband is very against me ending it and really wants me to keep it. He feels it's a little miracle and that I should go ahead. We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil. Obviously this really upset me and has played on my mind a lot. I have tried to consider his view too but I just can't have a baby just for him and the idea of going through with it fills me with so much anxiety and panic. What would you do and am I a bad person if I go ahead against his wishes? Thanks

*Your husband has no right to dictate or to try to bully you. What a horrible thing to say. He cannot possibly understand what is at stake.

It is your body, and you've already had two babies in two years. You have already sustained some physical damage and another pregnancy/birth does not sound like a good idea without a longer period to allow you to recover (at the very least).

Your children need you to be healthy and able to keep up with them, not an invalid.

Talk to your mid-wife, explain your concerns and she will support you in what has to be your decision.*

^This.
Your Husband is not considering the ongoing risk to your physical health (ongoing bladder problems due to your last two pregnancies within the last three years) and your MH.

You are in the thick of it, age 1 and 2 are hard ages. We have 3 under 4, first two 15 months apart, third is 2.5 year gap from second baby. Im sorry to hear about your bladder, I agree pregnancy wrecks you but I think you will massively regret termination and it will be a hard on your relationship. Does dh say he will help loads? Can the other 2 go to preschool a few days when baby is due? Sorry you are going through it, unexpected pregnancies are such a shock x

once your baby has been born you will not regret having him/her.

Bull fucking shit.

Forgot to say we don't regret number 3 he's a dream and slots in so well. The jump from 2 to 3 is no way near a shocking as the jump from 1 to 2 with a small gap x

Yes, sorry but this is complete bollocks. Plenty of women can and do regret their babies, it is simply too taboo to talk about.

I realise he gets to have a view but he's doing it in a fucking horrible way, is he often so unkind? This may end your marriage either way I'm afraid.

It's not an unpopular view; it's just not clear. If the OP only recently found out she's pregnant, it's likely she's taken an over-the-counter pregnancy test. Those don't rule out all sorts of situations (molar pregnancy; ectopic pregnancy) that could never develop into a baby. We've no idea what's going on here, and it may well be the OP doesn't either.

But, it is the OP's decision to make.

Thankfully the law doesn’t agree with you.

No it isn't. The Internet is awash with such stories and so is every single pro life website.

In any case, given the choice between regretting an abortion and regretting a baby, I know what I'd choose. Regretting a baby is a much bigger risk to take.

if you terminate your marriage could be over and even if not it will cause resentment

if you don’t terminate your marriage could be over and could cause resentment except there will be the additional complication of a baby in the mix.

It’s your choice more than his OP. I would be with you, for what it’s worth.

Aside from the fact that it's you having to go through another pregnancy and birth, is your husband willing to take full paternity leave and allow you to go back to work once you have recovered so that you don't feel like you have lost yourself all over again? That's a question I'd be asking my partner if it was me in your position. Why should it always be the mums who have to sacrifice their jobs so the husband can go to work as normal. It might be interesting to see what his answer is to that. Overall though it should be your decision as much as his opinion is relevant. Good luck OP

That's good. If you know it is the right decision then all you have to work out is how to manage the potential fall out (your DH)- I mean that in a non judgemental way.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and taking time to reply. I wish so much I wasn't in this situation. And I never dreamt I would ever be thinking of doing this but i think I will have to just keep talking to my husband and trying to explain why I feel this is best for me. I just know my mental health is going to suffer massively if I go ahead.

How far on are you? Could you have the abortion and tell him you miscarried? No doubt people will think that’s terrible, but a lot less terrible IMO than telling his wife she’s evil and a murderer for accessing perfectly lawful healthcare.

Your husband can have an opinion of course but until he can carry and birth the baby he can't have the final say, that's entirely down to you. To say he'll never forgive you might be true but to say you are evil and a murderer if you don't do what he wants is really, really horrible.

You clearly can't manage another pregnancy and baby right now and of course there is absolutely no guarantee that you would not really regret having the baby if you went ahead. That is just people projecting their own feelings onto you when they say you couldn't possibly regret it.

You sound like you know what you want to do - if you want to talk about it further (not to change your mind but just to get some support and empathy from someone) then I think it would be much better to get impartial counselling rather than somewhere like here where people have their own agendas.

I'm sorry you're in this sad and difficult situation.

This

We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil

How fucking dare he?

He hasn’t had to endure IVF, awful pregnancies and two awful births, breastfeeding and exhaustion, not to mention birth injuries. How dare he abuse you to manipulate you like that?

I’d really struggle to ever look at him again. Poison.

So, is your husband proposing he also have 9-12 months off work when the baby is born? Then potentially take a step down in his career/become a SAHD to facilitate you to continue working as you currently enjoy it?

Or, let me guess, is he expecting you to shoulder the burden, financially, emotionally and practically of another pregnancy, maternity leave and childcare for 3 under 3?

@tootiefruitie6 Have you and DH previously discussed views on Abortion?

I agree with PP. If you suggest him taking paternity leave instead of you taking maternity then he may well change his mind.

What @Blossom2023 said,
I received the extra gift of a 3rd child, and as the 2nd birth was not straightforward (forceps delivery) I dreaded going through another birth again, so soon afterwards, but like @Blossom2023 the 3rd baby was the best thing then, and still is. Babies do not ask to be born, but I thank God for all my DC and especially my youngest, as my youngest is the most sensible of the 3.
I did not have any family nearby either, it's not easy but they are not young dependants forever.

Beware the religious pro birthers on this thread OP.

It sounds like you’ve made your decision. I do have sympathy for a partner that wants the child but your husbands comments are very hurtful and I’d find it hard to forgive them.

All the best. 💐

I see where your OH is coming from - you struggled with fertility and shared the traumas and roller-coasters of IVF - and now all of a sudden a pregnancy from nowhere. I can see why he calls it a miracle - and this will be colouring how he feels, and will be increasing the strength of his feelings.

It is so hard for both of you.

I used to work with pregnant women many many years ago near the start of termination becoming legal under certain medical conditions and also under the "social clause" - it was my thankless task to talk with women who might come under this. The only thing I will say to you was that many of these women had their terminations, then turned up pregnant again quite quickly, seeking a replacement for the lost pregnancy.

Well done. Meanwhile, OP could suffer further life changing injuries or have a baby with a life limiting condition or multiple health needs. I’m sure there is anecdote as to how surprise baby number 3,4,5,6, whatever turned out great. But that’s all it is, anecdote.