Husband doesn't want me to go ahead with termination

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi there, this isn't my first post so apologies but I'd love some advice and to know peoples views. I recently found out I am pregnant which was a massive shock as our two children are both IVF babies. I have made the sad decision to end the pregnancy as our children are only 1 and 2 and I adore them but find it totally exhausting. Plus I have only just gone back to work and am enjoying it and feeling like I have a tiny bit of me back, especially after breastfeeding both for a year each. I am suffering bad morning sickness, and I had tough pregnancies and a very tough birth with my second child. And I have been left with some bladder issues. I just feel psychologically I can't go through it all again. And that I wouldn't manage three, especially with no family nearby and I just want to focus on the two amazing children I have. I will of course be sad to end it and I am scared of regret or guilt but I feel this is the best thing for me. However my husband is very against me ending it and really wants me to keep it. He feels it's a little miracle and that I should go ahead. We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil. Obviously this really upset me and has played on my mind a lot. I have tried to consider his view too but I just can't have a baby just for him and the idea of going through with it fills me with so much anxiety and panic. What would you do and am I a bad person if I go ahead against his wishes? Thanks

I agree. OP - ask him?

Although, you’ll obviously still have to carry the baby and risk further damage to your physical health.

Exactly how many weeks of Paternity Leave are men entitled to these days?

What will you do for childcare after the Paternity and/or Maternity Leave ends?

Will you be able to afford the childcare for three very young children to enable both of you to continue to work?

I should add I had bladder problems too, a common problem after multiple births, and had a burch colpo suspension to correct it.

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like such a difficult situation to be going through and almost a “no win”. You sound very sure on what is right for you though and that feels important. I wonder if it would be helpful to see a therapist to talk it through or maybe with your partner? Most baby loss charities also have counselling for “crisis pregnancies” and termination. It might be worth seeing if there is anything in your area. You can’t be the first couple to have gone through this. Sending you lots of love.

I’m pretty certain the birth mother only has to take 2 weeks. The remaining 50 weeks (of which 37 are paid) can be split however the parents see fit, as long as you meet the criteria for SPL (https://www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/when-you-can-start)

Well said x

It's not a child yet.

Can he or you both get counseling to talk through this together.

It must be exceptional difficult to face a termination after years of trying. The previous struggle for a pregnancy and the IVF may have unresolved emotions colouring this

I think he's allowed an opinion but to call you a murderer is something I would find hard to forgive. In the end you have to carry the baby, give birth and then have 2 toddlers and a newborn to look after while he (presumably) goes back to work after 2 weeks. You are putting your physical and possibly mental health at risk to have a baby you don't want. Do what's right for you and your body. Good luck ❤️

Forced birthers have made an appearance I see. 🤬

They need to go back to the religious and cat threads where someone might once to listen to them.

You sound like you’re sure of your decision OP. Very best wishes.

How can you say she definitely won't regret having a baby but might regret having a termination? What's with all the anti-choicers out tonight, is it a full moon?

OP, you are not a bad person. Your husband is for calling you an evil murdered and trying to emotionally blackmail you into going through with a pregnancy.

It is not a child yet but it is the potential for a child. When that has been a simple impossibility without medical intervention a surprise pregnancy would feel like a miracle to me. It obvious does to your OH too even if badly timed.

You feel how you feel and you have to make your choice on those feelings. All i am saying is try and be compassionate to you OH who has valid and different feelings.

I wonder if your relationship can survive this 💐

He called OP an evil murderer. I’d hardly call that ‘valid and different feelings’. I’d call it pretty sick to be honest.

If men don't want women to get pregnant they should abstain from sex or get a vasectomy. End of discussion.

I do think men can't win sometimes. In this thread, the man didn't want his wife to get pregnant but now it's happened, he does want to take responsibility. And he gets criticised for that. If it were the other way round and he said he wants the partner to have.an abortion, he gets criticised for that too.
Basically what we're saying to men is that they must just be supportive of whatever the mother decides. But then that's depriving a man of his right to express,an opinion on a baby that's half his.
It's all so much more complicated than: men have no say. Women seem to have a codified view of when men can speak, what they should say and how they should speak. And if men don't stick to these unknown imaginary rules, they get clobbered for that too.
It's a horrible situation to be in op and I really hope you can come to a consensual conclusion.

Your husband is being a dick. But counselling might help him - I think you'd both benefit from going to counselling together. Look up pregnancy choices. They're there for situations like these. There's a list of local services here https://www.pregnancychoicesdirectory.com

Your body, your choice: simple as that.

As an aside, irrespective of his wishes in the matter, your husband is treating you in a very unkind manner during what is no doubt one of the most vulnerable periods of your life. He needs to do better.

@PollyPeptide Of course the father has a say, but he doesn't gave the right to make the final decision. Nor does he have the right to bully the mother into what he wants by calling her an evil murderer.

Because in his position, as the parent with very little risk towards health (mental and physical), career or implications on increased mental load, his job is to support his wife and understand that as she is the one to carry it and risk her health etc.

Instead he is ignoring the op’s feelings entirely and has called her evil and a murderer.

But you said it was a child now. You believe an embryo is a child? Cringe.

Ignore the forced birthers. Your body, your choice, always.

Your husband is awful. I bet you wish you’d never told him. You’re in a marriage where you basically have to hide if you have an accidental pregnancy.

What he said was horrible and disgusting. I would struggle to be with a man after he said that.

You have to make the best decision for yourself and it sounds like you have. You are not selfish or any other nasty description. You are self aware and want to protect yourself and you family.

Ffs, some of these replies.

OP if you post on the pregnancy choices board, I don’t think the pro lifers invade there as much.

Your husbands comments are terrible. Even if he’s sad about this, nothing justifies what he has said.

I really feel for you. 💐

I do think men can't win sometimes. In this thread, the man didn't want his wife to get pregnant but now it's happened, he does want to take responsibility

Bloody hell. It’s a low bar if demanding a woman (who had life changing birth injuries and is openly saying she can’t cope with another child) continue with her pregnancy equates to ‘taking responsibility’, all while calling her an evil murderer for daring to think differently.

Basically what we're saying to men is that they must just be supportive of whatever the mother decides

And thank god that’s what the law says too.

@ApplePie20 what he said is not OK. I agree. It is an awful thing to have said and I couldn't stay with someone who thought that.... I don't think I could forgive it.

Still his feelings are real and strong other wise he wouldnt have said that in anger. OP has been through a lot and she must already understand. Most people have a chance of creating a baby whenever they have sex or have a period every month. peoplenon this thead dont seem to understand how hard some people fight for a few of those chances and how important those chances are.
This is an embryo. It is common for people to find it impossible to stop paying storage for ivf embryos even after they know they don't want more kids because it would destroy those chances and potential lives

It is a very difficult situation

These religious nuts aren’t so kind as they pretend to be. Coming onto a thread just to shout out their forces birth religious shite.

Nasty fuckers.