Husband doesn't want me to go ahead with termination

[tootiefruitie6]

Hi there, this isn't my first post so apologies but I'd love some advice and to know peoples views. I recently found out I am pregnant which was a massive shock as our two children are both IVF babies. I have made the sad decision to end the pregnancy as our children are only 1 and 2 and I adore them but find it totally exhausting. Plus I have only just gone back to work and am enjoying it and feeling like I have a tiny bit of me back, especially after breastfeeding both for a year each. I am suffering bad morning sickness, and I had tough pregnancies and a very tough birth with my second child. And I have been left with some bladder issues. I just feel psychologically I can't go through it all again. And that I wouldn't manage three, especially with no family nearby and I just want to focus on the two amazing children I have. I will of course be sad to end it and I am scared of regret or guilt but I feel this is the best thing for me. However my husband is very against me ending it and really wants me to keep it. He feels it's a little miracle and that I should go ahead. We argued about it easier and he told me he would never forgive me if I end it and that I am a murderer and evil. Obviously this really upset me and has played on my mind a lot. I have tried to consider his view too but I just can't have a baby just for him and the idea of going through with it fills me with so much anxiety and panic. What would you do and am I a bad person if I go ahead against his wishes? Thanks

No sorry but it's not up to him, it's up to you. You're the one who would have to go through pregnancy and labour. It is your decision.

Of course you wouldn't be a bad person, it is your body. Your dh may come around or he may not, but that is up to him -you can't force him to be hap

He needs to accept it’s your body. I think a lot of men don’t really understand how physically and emotionally exhausting pregnancy is. Having such a small gap already is very hard and then throw a baby into the mix would probably be exhausting. It’s likely your husband’s life will remain to a degree unchecked. He needs to support you in what you want to do.

I think your husband should have a say in the matter.

He can give his opinion but, ultimately, as it isn't him who has to be pregnant and birth a baby (which by the way comes with significant risks, some of which are life threatening), it isn't his decision. Do you really not get that?

It's your decision, but you have to accept that your decision may come with massive, irreversible consequences.

I think he should have a say in the matter but be prepared for this being the end of your family (which to be honest is likely to happen whichever way you go as one will end up resenting the other)

I'm a mum of 2 myself. It may not ultimately be his decision, but he may never forgive her.

As is the case with any choice she makes- namely bringing a whole fucking person into the world when she has 2 under 2 and has outlined the reasons for not wanting to go ahead.

Having had one baby and one abortion, I would say that the massive and irreversible consequence was the baby, not the abortion.

Um, that's what I said. Whatever she decides may come with certain consequences.

He can have a say in the matter when it’s his bladder at risk. OP has already been left with bladder issues after her last birth, it’s entirely her choice if she wants to risk further damage to her own body.

A decade after my last birth I’m still in irreversible agony daily and I dare anyone to tell me I should try it again.

It's his child too!

Would you be able to manage financially and support three children if you gave up work? If so then I'd be inclined to keep the baby. But ultimately it has to be your choice.

He clearly has a right to express an opinion - the embryo is part of him too; but it is unfortunate that he has called you evil etc. - but I guess that reflects the depth of his feeling.

I do not know how you can resolve this and save your relationship to be honest.

Is he able to carry the baby and birth it? No? Then her decision has more sway.

I sometimes think people forget that childbirth can kill you.

So hard I can see it from both sides.

I terminated my 3rd pregnancy early on. Dh felt it would be too difficult financially, and physically and mentally draining on me. I agreed in logic but wanted to back out until the last minute -I was desperately hoping dh would say ‘it’ll all work out let’s keep the baby’ but he never did.
4 years on its still a massive source of resentment for me and I have struggled with dh.

talk it through with your dh as much as you can

I would also struggle if my partner had coerced me into an abortion, which also comes with medical risks.

Sorry but it is the woman's body and the woman's decision. If men don't want women to get pregnant they should abstain from sex or get a vasectomy. End of discussion.

Your husband has no right to dictate or to try to bully you. What a horrible thing to say. He cannot possibly understand what is at stake.

It is your body, and you've already had two babies in two years. You have already sustained some physical damage and another pregnancy/birth does not sound like a good idea without a longer period to allow you to recover (at the very least).

Your children need you to be healthy and able to keep up with them, not an invalid.

Talk to your mid-wife, explain your concerns and she will support you in what has to be your decision.

It's not a child at the moment, is it?

Thank you all. I just want to say that I completely accept that it's my husbands child too and that he has a say. And I really don't want to cause him hurt or sadness. But this decision is only going to be the right one of one of us and surely the person going through the pregnancy/birth and needing to take maternity leave should have the final say? It's a horrible situation with an impossible outcome and I really try not to be selfish but I feel I have to be on this occasion. And I just don't want to feel the anxiety and panic I have felt since finding out any more (and the sickness which I am really struggling with).

Forget your DH, you do not sound like you are in the right head space to make a decision if you are scared of regret or guilt. Is there someone neutral you can talk to so that you can consider your options more clearly?

@SarahAndQuack I believe that life begins at conception. (Unpopular as that view is, especially on Mumsnet) So yes it is.

Thanks all. @Socrateswasrightaboutvoting I am very sure of my decision. In fact I felt a lot of relief when I had made it. I know deep down it is the right thing for me. But that doesn't mean I don't think I will suffer guilt or can't be scared of any regrets.