Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

Hey all

Thanks for all the messages .
Honestly I'm no better and trying to avoid the outcome and busy myself to keep distracted.
Thankfully I do not have symptoms but I think it's all the stress I'm under so no sickness or cravings as such just drained really.
A lot have asked how my ex is with his daughter and honestly he adores her she is his world even at 16 but unfortunately due to the damage he caused her mother she only really speaks to him to get pocket money which is evident. He has always said the next child he has he will make sure he is there from the start but I somehow do not believe that.
My sister had 2 kids under 2 with her previous partner and he left when she was pregnant with the second child and she managed great she even got married 7 years later and had another child so I know it's not impossible she was a lot younger than I am now though and by 33 they had all grown up and she was enjoying life- she is now 40.
Also I wanted to ask about terminations if I go down that route has anyone had it done surgically as I honestly can not take these pills at all and have read a number of people that still had a continued pregnancy due to it failing and knowing my luck I'd prob be one of them. Are there any danger implications in doing the surgery?
Everywhere I look I say babies and mothers and it does pain me a little and further confuses my thought process.
@ColdCottage thank you I'm hanging in there , ran out of things to watch to distract me and still staring at this bottle of wine tempted to have a glass :-(

he adores her she is his world even at 16 but unfortunately due to the damage he caused her mother she only really speaks to him to get pocket money which is evident

The very first job of a dad is to look after the child's mother. He can't really love his daughter without treating her mother with respect and compassion.

Sounds like he talks a good game, now someone else has done all the heavy lifting.

You’d be very unlikely to suffer complications from the pills, but you have to consider your own comfort. The surgery is quick, over in about five minutes and you’re under anesthetic, usually a local but you can request a general. You may cramp for a little while afterwards, but not to the level you would with the medical.

I'd definitely recommend the surgery ( I haven't had the surgery) but I did have the pill and passed out due to the blood loss I had in a super market toilet and ended up in hospital which wasn't much fun! Though I'm sure that doesn't happen for everyone, but it made the whole experience more traumatic for sure :( x

@Genevive123 oh dear no I have the worst luck so I would prob be the same and I can not handle pain at all.
If I chose to do surgical which I am no where near deciding but sounds the better option of the two - would I ask for it- before I got the pills I was not given the option at all ?

@Ammy85 yeah it was horrible hun, made the experience traumatic, it's better to know these things as if I'd known that could happen I would've opted for the surgery too! I was only told about the pill, it was only after I was given the second one the lady opposite me said she was getting the surgical procedure ! Xx

@Ammy85 do you want to go through with this pregnancy?

Hi OP
Thinking of you at this time. I know exactly what you're going through as I went through it myself. I had a surgical termination, and, it was so easy. I had a general anaesthetic. I woke up with period pain which passed after an hour or so, and, nothing else whatsoever X

Good to hear from you.

I decided against the surgical option to remove my missed miscarriage (same procedure/similar) I believe, as there is a teeny tiny chance it could affect your fertility. It's really small and my friend has had 3 no problem (all due to miscarriages sadly) but best to read up for your own peace of mind. I believe that they might be offered under local rather than general anaesthetic at the moment due to Covid. I'm not sure if this is a nationwide policy though.

Hi op

I have not had an abortion but I did have a miscarriage and medical management of this. I was in and out within a few hours. You have to take the pills prior to the surgery because it loosens things and softens the cervix anyway (you will lose clots and it also gives you diarrhoea, which was annoying in hospital and having to run in and out of the loo) so you will still be taking the tablets, I had to take a dose that morning in Hospital. Went under anaesthetic and woke up none the wiser, got discharged an hour or so later. It was not a scary process and very well organised.

Forgot to add the reason I had medical management of miscarriage was because the tablets did not work at home and so had no choice.

You probably weren't offered the surgical due to how far along you are and covid. If you end up a few more weeks/months down the line the only option will be surgical.

I've had a surgical and it wasn't bad but it wasn't painless by any stretch. There was bleeding and a lot of big clots afterwards.

@Ammy85 I’ve had one surgical and one medical, neither affected fertility. But that’s not scientific because it’s just little old me.

What is it that you couldn’t do about the pills? It’s very unlikely it’ll fail, it can of course happen but then you’d just go for surgical anyway.

Depending how far along you are it’ll be just like a heavy period with heavy cramping on day one and maybe two.

Here for any questions you may have.

Hey all just an update I called the clinic and was advised I need to be passed 8 weeks to do surgical ? That's a bit weird no? Meaning I have to continue with this baby growing inside me getting bigger for another week yet !
Also I failed myself and told my ex I was pregnant in a very heated row - the response I got was " you wanted a baby you have it I'm dating someone new" so chances are he will not be a bother in my life and I've blocked him off everywhere . It's a bit of a relief as I know him extremely well he is a narcissist and has found this so called new supply which doesn't bother me in the slightest and his moving back to Dublin . However this has given me more of a desire to keep the child and do this alone ? Again I am very conflicted and it doesn't help that I have one set of people saying keep and another saying abort .
What I'm doing now is writing a list of pro and cons but I just don't know where to start with it my page is blank !!!

Don’t listen to either set of people OP, do what your gut is telling you.

I imagine baby needs to be a certain size for the surgical procedure so they can easily identify it.

A Narcissist will tell you the Sun is blue. You need to be strong if your going to go motherhood alone OP. He will be back.

You’re doing the right thing by making a list, it’s not anyone’s decision but yours.

Counselling would be really useful to help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Time is really crucial here, too, so you may want to have a deadline in mind for your decision. A 7 week abortion is a very different thing to a 12 week + one.

If you are want to give yourself the chance of recovering from this abuse and getting on with life, you need to cut ALL contact, stop social media and never respond to him. I’m sure he didn’t stop harassing his daughter’s mother when he found a new girlfriend. You need to be realistic, and prioritise self- preservation. Look up grey rock.

Ammy, I think it's good that you've told him and that's great news that he is moving away! I wish you the best of luck with your decision. You are thinking it through really thoroughly and which makes me think that maybe you want this baby, but you should absolutely do whatever you think is for the best for you!! Have you talked it through with close friends and family?

How are you doing?

@Ammy85 how are you?

Hi all

Really sorry for the late response I have been doing some serious reflection . I hope you all are okay x

I have tried and tried to get my head around a termination but I honestly have not been able to call the clinic - when I go to I deliberately put it off or feel physically sick in attempting to. I'm still stressed and have literally been sleeping and sleeping constantly but I think I will be keeping this baby. I don't know how I will cope or what to expect but something in my gut is telling me to keep it and whatever will be will be.
The father (my ex) has said terminate it as he doesn't want MY child, this was 2 weeks ago now and I've said I will do as he wishes...I have deleted all traces of him, his family and friends and he is moving out of London. So in terms of worrying about him I feel that I do not need to anymore. The worry now is financially and emotionally how will I cope - for any single parents or mothers who are in a partnership/marriage etc on here that can please be brutally honest on what to expect with a first child alone ......your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Glad to hear from you.

What is your support like in real life now you've chosen to do this?

It will be hard but you've got this! You have time to prepare, be that sorting financial support, collecting clothes and cots etc - all but mattresses are fine second hand. I had so many hand me downs and stuff via local free Facebook groups then lovely new gifts from friends and bits I couldn't resist. So much better for the environment and hardly worn for long by babies so practically new anyway.

You can do NCT classes for next to nothing or free depending on your income. They do teach you stuff but more importantly give you a support network of mums in the same position as you with their baby age wise which helps so much for practical and emotional support.

You have time to find some talking therapy if you want to help you focus on you and to feel stronger in yourself really for baby arriving.

See this as a fresh start.

I went into parenthood prepared for the worst, imaging no sleep, colicky baby, so much poo, crying and exhaustion and it wasn't anywhere as bad as I thought. Yet it's tiring and it will be harder with nobody there every day to tag but so many women do it. Single parents, women with partners in the military or who are away a lot over night for work.

Reach out for help and accept all offers for help. Batch cook for lady microwave dinners when you are tired in those early days. Stock up on chocolate too!

If you decide to keep the baby then yes I think you should tell him

If you decided not to keep the baby then no need to tell him

@amy85 - she has told him