Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

*a loss of income

Sleepless nights for 8 weeks only?! Not my children. I think if you expect to be up several times a night for at least a year, it’s more realistic. But you do get used to it and it’s just one of the natural challenges of parenthood.

Think very carefully before you invite him to abuse you for 18 or so years. Because that's what it'll be if you continue the pregnancy.

Unfortunately, if you continue the pregnancy you will never be rid of him. You’ll be inviting him to control you through the child for at least the next 18 years. Parenthood is hard enough when you’re in a committed relationship, let alone when you’ll have someone actively working to control and undermine everything you do.

It’s highly unlikely that this will be your last chance to have a baby, and you can choose to have one in better circumstances.

Yes, if you have the baby you will have to deal with the father. I don't equate that to him necessarily being able to control you for the next 18 years. It's up to you how you decide to deal with him OP and I'm sure there will be ways. Do you know how he behaved towards his daughters mother?

I am pro choice where situations are desperate but I strongly disagree with encouraging the OP to abort this baby by means of an online forum simply because the father is a waste of space. It is not a straight forward decision and abortion is not an alternative/back up form of contraception, it is a big deal and there is a potential life involved here.

Oh Dear OP. I think you need to block your ex. Think about what you want. Could you manage alone? What’s your support network like?

Sorry if someone has answered but nearly all conditions are inherited especially things like mental health. Have you actually met your ex’s family?

It’s a difficult decision as you are 34. I wouldn’t hide the baby forever not that you could but if you do decide to go through with the pregnacy I wouldn’t be in a rush to mention it. Most first pregnancy’s you carry small in the beginning.

If you are planning to keep the baby, I would NOT tell him and certainly not now when he still has the power to reign you in.

You are too fragile atm to cope with making such a huge decision AND deal with his tricks/abuse.

Whatever your decision you need to cut all bridges. I wouldn’t contact him and tell him until you are stronger. Even if that means 6 months after the birth.
Protect yourself first. Do what is best for the child if you decide to go ahead. His feelings, wants etc... are not your responsibility

If you are considering continuing the pregnancy, then I think it's absolutely essential you report his abusive behaviour to the police now. Call women's aid for advice on this. But you need to have this properly recorded so if he were to try and get access, you will be able to push back. As PPs have said do not put his name on the birth cert, as he will have to go to court to get put on it before he can apply for access, and he may never both do do that.

If he was abusive I think he looses his right to know, but as you say, he'll find out anyway, and may act up - so be prepared for how you'll deal with this.

In an ideal world I think a termination would be best, but if you simply want a baby, it's understandable you may not want to. I think you need to think everything through very carefully though - money, childcare etc - can you talk to your parents about this, as you friends sound pretty daft.

You are only 34, so while your fertility will start reducing, there is every chance you'd conceive fine in the next 5 years. It's after 40 it reduces more dramatically.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Yes, if you have the baby you will have to deal with the father. I don't equate that to him necessarily being able to control you for the next 18 years. It's up to you how you decide to deal with him OP and I'm sure there will be ways. Do you know how he behaved towards his daughters mother?

I am pro choice where situations are desperate but I strongly disagree with encouraging the OP to abort this baby by means of an online forum simply because the father is a waste of space. It is not a straight forward decision and abortion is not an alternative/back up form of contraception, it is a big deal and there is a potential life involved here.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Being pro-choice when you deem a situation to be desperate is not being pro-choice. Pro-choice means a woman has a right to chose to continue or not continue her pregnancy according to whatever rational she chooses - which may involve feeling desperate (which is clearly a broad concept) or may not.

The OP brought up the topic of termination and people are responding to that. The OP is not a child, she has agency - she has asked for opinions and she will be quite capable of weighing up the options.

She has not need you to edit the forum for her. She does not need you to impose your definition of desperate on her situation. She has not asked you to define for her when abortion is appropriate or not, nor do any the posters on her need your thoughts on their well thought through advice based on their own life experiences.

From what you’ve said I would terminate. My sister has been divorced for 10 years from her abusive ex but he continues to abuse her via their children and their access arrangements. The impact on her children has been devastating and he has not provided for them in any meaningful way.

@RunningFromInsanity

Have an abortion and then if you want children, use a sperm donor and have a baby with better DNA and no ties to an abusive man. Then you have 100% control over your child and life.

Yes, this.

I haven't commented on the OP's situation, only she knows if it is desperate or not.

Personally, if I got pregnant through consensual sex I would try and look for positives of the situation and for ways to make it work before thinking of the reasons why I should terminate. If that makes me not pro choice then so be it.

Especially if I wanted a child and was reaching my mid 30's

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

I haven't commented on the OP's situation, only she knows if it is desperate or not.

Personally, if I got pregnant through consensual sex I would try and look for positives of the situation and for ways to make it work before thinking of the reasons why I should terminate. If that makes me not pro choice then so be it.

Going through with a pregnancy isn't always a positive. Ensuring your life is as stress free as possible is a positive choice. Valuing yourself is positive. Waiting to have a child with a suitable co parent is a very positive choice.

Pro choice is about giving the pregnant person the choice regardless of your personal thoughts.

Your use of emotive language suggests you are pro choice when it fits your agenda but not literally.

Ok, maybe I'm not pro choice then. I don't believe that it's a decision that should be rushed or taken without careful consideration of all the pros and cons (like OP is doing!). Yes it may just be a bunch of cells, but it is a bunch of cells that has potential to become a person, and that's a fact. So in this circumstance surely this would count as a con when it comes to deciding whether to abort or not.

I do believe that ultimately it's the woman's choice and right to have an abortion, but encouraging the op to abort on an online forum just because the father is no good is narrow minded and irresponsible. It does not take into consideration ALL the pros and cons, many of which we don't know about in detail.

Again with the inflammatory language!

I agreed with a lot of your sentiment until you used narrow minded and irresponsible.

But then I could not disagree with you anymore.

The best gift I ever gave my DC was a wonderful and caring father.

And as a teacher, I have seen many children who are not fortunate enough to have stable home lives.

As someone who is pro choice, I hope that the OP will value herself as a person, her potential and consider the lives of her future children to ensure that they have mental stability, as much support as possible and little drama. Because the human who is actually here deserves as much, if not more consideration.

And I hope that whatever decision she makes, she is comfortable with her choice.

@moanieleminx

Again with the inflammatory language!

I agreed with a lot of your sentiment until you used narrow minded and irresponsible.

But then I could not disagree with you anymore.

The best gift I ever gave my DC was a wonderful and caring father.

And as a teacher, I have seen many children who are not fortunate enough to have stable home lives.

As someone who is pro choice, I hope that the OP will value herself as a person, her potential and consider the lives of her future children to ensure that they have mental stability, as much support as possible and little drama. Because the human who is actually here deserves as much, if not more consideration.

And I hope that whatever decision she makes, she is comfortable with her choice.

It's an emotive topic in the majority of cases. And it kind of needs to be because if you completely take away the thought and emotion attached to it then it might as well be used as an alternative to contraception.

I personally think it'd be better not to bring a child into the world with a father that toxic.

Don't tell him; it will only make a difficult situation worse. If he were the kind of man you wanted a family with, you'd still be with him.

@Ammy85 I hope that you are ok. Well done from getting away from an emotionally abusive narcissist. As someone who was in a similar situation, I thank my lucky stars everyday to have gotten away from him, and I am also relieved that the pregnancy ended so that I could make a clean break.

I watched my best friend do an amazing job as a single mum, but it was bloody hard work. Thankfully she had family and good friends around her to support her (the father was feckless). Her (adult) son is a wonderful human being, and she did great. But she says that she would not do it again.
Like many PP has said, in your shoes I would terminate. It would not be an easy decision at all, and I can fully understand your hesitance. You want to be sure before you do what you cannot take back.
If you really really want a child, and are able to go it alone, there are ways and means to do this.
But I do worry that after getting away from this man, by having his child (if the pregnancy went to term, this is not a given) that you will be connected to him for the rest of your/his life. And more importantly, so will the child.
That is a lot to put on a child's shoulders.

Hi Op I just came across your thread and I could have wrote this a few years ago. Even down to feeling guilty about the wine
I wish I had someone then to hold my hand and tell me everything would have been ok.
I was still in a relationship and he had a previous child who he didn’t see very often. I told him I was pregnant and I got the we’re not ready speech.
I wasn’t ready I was quite young and a complete hormonal mess i didn’t know what to do and was so so torn. I didn’t want to be tied to him for life. I didn’t know what I’d do if I was on my own. I’d never felt so hormonal and it was probably the hardest weeks of my life. I couldn’t even go to work I’d just burst out in tears if I seen a pregnant woman or a child.
I continued on with the pregnancy, left him and we’ve been on our own since. I did everything on my own.
He asks how the baby is now and again but that’s it, no other communication and he doesn’t try to work his way in anymore.
You are stronger than you think and you can do anything when you have too.
IMO it’s not that hard doing it alone, the sleepless nights don’t last that long and there’s help with childcare costs so you can continue to work.
Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Hope you’re doing ok

@Parkerwhereareyou

Sleepless nights aren't nearly so bad if you bring the baby next to you to soothe to sleep. And it's only really full on for about 8 weeks. Over so quickly.

As parents we've all been through this. It's part of the process.

Sounds like you need a break from this whole dilemma so you can stand back and make your choice 💐

Mine didn't sleep through the night for two years and was a kicker. I genuinely questioned my sanity some nights. And that was with a supportive partner.

Please don't con the OP into some magical-thinking nonsense about perfect babies.

OP, if you want the pregnancy to continue do. I will say that part of my job is supporting women in abusive situations. These men don't change, given every chance in the world. They wheedle their way in, they have no issue using their children to control you and they use the legal system and social services to their advantage, some of then do bigger off but it's only when they've found another woman to do it to, and even then many still carry on the behaviour. Don't make a decision based in the idea he will be a kind and loving father,

Hey OP, this is really tricky for you. I had an abortion a few years ago and I can honestly say hand on heart I regret it to this day, so it depends on you as a person. I still think about it and ball my eyes out, my friends child is literally a few months younger than my baby would have been and it honestly kills me so really be sure it's what you want as I wasn't but I did it anyway :( x

How does he behave towards his ex?
How much effort does he make with his dd?
Is he dangerous/ manipulating/unreliable towards his dd?

He will likely form new relationships and move on from you.

How he treats his ex could be an indication of how he will treat you.

How are you doing OP? I've been thinking about you. Sending hugs.