Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

Can you move away? This would make it all easier. Just stay off social media and don’t let people post pics of you pregnant/with the child.

Find out what happens with shared custody of children, with abusive men, and let this lead your decisions. Unfortunately, women have very little choice or protection in this area.

Or fake abortion, followed by fake rebound and pregnancy.

Sounds like it would be harder doing it with his “help” than on your own.

I don’t say this lightly as in normal circumstances I’d think it’s was entirely morally wrong, but I think if you want to keep the baby, which reading your replies I think you do, you need to ensure he doesn’t ever know.

Every child has the right to not be damaged by an abuser.

The child is the priority. Not your guilt and not an abuser's so-called rights.

*@Kfdbhydcjrsx
Every child has the right to not be damaged by an abuser.

The child is the priority. Not your guilt and not an abuser's so-called rights.*

This 👆

I totally agree I need to make a decision sooner rather than later , faking a abortion etc is not doable he knows my entire life , work, family home, friends homes , I can't hide that I am pregnant but I know that telling him will result to him worming his way back and I can't handle it when I have become somewhat stronger in the last couple of weeks.
Moving is out the question -so I have the abortion route or to simply stand my ground and say I do not wish for you to be apart of our lives if I go ahead and he finds out which he will no doubt, it is horrible for the baby I know refusing its father and being raised by both my parents it really is something I have always felt strongly having a partner to parent with.

Even if you tell him you do not wish for him to be a part of your lives, and you don't put him on the birth certificate, he can take it to court and fight for custody. Can you handle 50/50 co parenting with him do you think? You will basically be tied to this man for the rest of your life. Think about future weddings, graduations, grandchildren etc.

I think if you can’t hide the baby from him you have to be prepared for a backlash.

Has he actually been prevent by SS from seeing his other children? Do you think it’s likely you’ll be able to stop him - even with legal intervention?

Unfortunately OP, if you have the baby he will have a right to be involved. You can't unilaterally say "You're having nothing to do with it", and if you did chances are he would be awarded formalised access. History suggests he might eventually lose interest but is that a chance you'd be willing to take?

I really feel for your situation, but this is not the father that a baby deserves, and not the man that you deserve to co-parent with. It's not just the immediate future - it's house moves, every family occasion, every set of weekend plans have to be considered from an access standpoint. It won't be just you and a baby you need to think about.

I have no way to stop him if i did the hide the baby from him route ....he has a clean record, financially better of than I am, his own successful business , - he is a narcissist so very charming and everyone "loves him" - I wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court if he challenged me.

I can go on and on about the crazy stuff he has put me through that honestly it would be something you'd see in a movie - no one ever believes me.

If I keep this child it will no doubt be raised in toxic surroundings if he has anything to do with it. Some people say a child will change him make him work on being a better person etc

If he’s already got two kids he has already had plenty of opportunity to change. A third isn’t going to be the clincher.

@Greenmarmalade

Do not tell him. Do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not send photos in a moment of guilt or weakness.

Or you’ll have to leave your precious child with him for potentially 50% of the time- without you. Regardless of his abusive past .

Tell your friends straight to keep quiet. Stay off social media. Spread a rumour about a new fling- this can be the ‘father.’

That's understandable from the OP's point of view, but the reality is that any child would have a right to know who their father is and may wish to have a relationship with them. This isn't a secret that could be kept forever, nor should it be.

OP, I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make. As part of the decision making process, you will need to factor in that continuing this pregnancy may well mean the abusive ex will be in your life in the future.

Do not tell him.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.

At the end of the day he is the Child's father conceived when they were in a seemingly long term relationship.

Presumably the OP will be encouraged to obtain CMS payment from the father therefore he should be recognised as such

Yes he might be an arsehole but he is the arsehole who the OP made a baby with.

@Ammy85

I have no way to stop him if i did the hide the baby from him route ....he has a clean record, financially better of than I am, his own successful business , - he is a narcissist so very charming and everyone "loves him" - I wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court if he challenged me.

I can go on and on about the crazy stuff he has put me through that honestly it would be something you'd see in a movie - no one ever believes me.

If I keep this child it will no doubt be raised in toxic surroundings if he has anything to do with it. Some people say a child will change him make him work on being a better person etc

What you wrote about the toxicity of this man really disturbs me. Why would you put a child through this?

I had a similar relationship in my early 20's. Thankfully we never had children, and then I went on to have DC with DH, who is a wonderful father. He is the best gift I could ever have given them.

If I was you, I would go and seek professional advice, and discuss all of your options.

@Greenmarmalade

Can you move away? This would make it all easier. Just stay off social media and don’t let people post pics of you pregnant/with the child.

Find out what happens with shared custody of children, with abusive men, and let this lead your decisions. Unfortunately, women have very little choice or protection in this area.

Or fake abortion, followed by fake rebound and pregnancy.

This. That is exactly what I’d do.

Have an abortion and then if you want children, use a sperm donor and have a baby with better DNA and no ties to an abusive man.
Then you have 100% control over your child and life.

I was in your situation but some years younger. I terminated, It was absolutely the right thing to do. I have no regrets, but that is easy for me to say as I have subsequently had children.
The experience focussed my mind on what it takes to make a relationship work.
I moved on from abusive relationships and this has improved my life massively.

If you don’t think you can keep the identity of the father a secret, terminate.

Then move on.

You will not be able to enjoy your life with or without children if you can’t break free from this man.

Better to be free and childless than to have the joy of parenting destroyed by an abuser.

I would terminate. You are already so stressed because of the situation with your ex. Imagine how bad this could get once he finds out!

My friend had DC with a narcissist. He has destroyed her life and her DC's lives. Think very carefully - you will have no right to stop him being involved. He will not change or improve, but he will use your child against you and destroy your mental health in the process.

@londonscalling

I would terminate. You are already so stressed because of the situation with your ex. Imagine how bad this could get once he finds out!

I would never chose termination as an easy option but think I would seriously consider it in these circumstances.

You need too make the decision if you plan too keep the baby first then take it from there. Be aware that he has rights regardless of if you put him on the birth certificate as he can apply for a paternity test and once it’s proved he is the dad he can apply too go on the child’s birth certificate. Also as your child gets older they may want too know about there father. Your child does have a right too know at some point who there father is. If you decide too keep the baby can you keep quiet as long as possible too try stop him having any say? Once the baby is born it’s unlikely any court will remove a baby from its mother for more than an hour or two of contact at a contact centre.

Honestly I would terminate, purely because I have a family member who has a child with a charming but utterly evil narcissist. Both of their lives have been controlled by him for years. Plus he is so charming he fought for (and won) full custody purely to spite her despite all his well documented abuse. How that happens I don't know but it is true.
He has no interest in parenting properly so the child is miserable.

If you want to go it alone I would go down the sperm donor route. Much safer all round.

Places like Marie Stopes do counseling to help woman decide whether or not to continue with an unplanned pregnancy. Perhaps talking to them would help you? They are impartial and bound by medical privacy rules so you could discuss the situation knowing nothing you say could possibly get back to your ex.

There's no need to tell him you're pregnant, although if you decide to keep it, if you are likely to see him you might want to tell him so you are in charge of the timing.

So, the flow chart is first, decide whether to proceed with the pregnancy. There are fairly heavy implications for this, which you and only you have to live with (aside from the foetus, which isn't giving you advice), so counselling might give you a space to work it through. If you terminate, don't tell him, but bare in mind someone else might. Decide how to deal with that.
If you proceed, I'd personally not tell him, but it depends how entwined your lives are. Decide what to say if he confronts you (it might be someone else's, don't go implicating the poor postman though).
Then decide what you want to put on the birth certificate. Good luck!

Thank you all.

Abortion will be the only option I see right currently even though I am so torn.
@Annasgirl this really has scared me- my mental health has deteriorated in the last year due to him and when I finally grew some balls as they say and walked I find myself in this situation.
I'm worried I will lose my chance at motherhood, because quiet frankly I need to find myself first his caused that much mental damage to me. Also I have always wanted to bring a child into the world with a partner as I feel that it is important to me.
A leopard never changes its spots and if he has cheated on me through the 4 years we have been together he certainly will when I'm pregnant.

I had a termination at 35 because I simply couldn't face being shackled to the father for the next 18 years.

I haven't regretted this decision for a second.