Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

I wouldn't. It will be a nightmare you'll never get rid of him.

OP he’s texting you asking how you are because he can feel you’re disengaging and wants attention. It’s worth reading about narcissistic behaviour if you haven’t already. Grey rock is one to google, as this would be a good option for you in your situation.

He doesn’t care how you are, he just needs to you to be hooked on the end of his line so he can use/abuse you when he wants to.

It’s the same when they become fathers. My ex said our kids should love him- he didn’t consider his duty to them, or how he should love them. He only engaged with them when it suited him or made him look good to others.

@Greenmarmalade yes I know all about narcissist and borderline personality disorder and he has both on a disturbing level .
I know it's to get me hooked back the whole discard and then come back when he can't find a supply etc ... I have educated myself for the last 4 years on this - I have had his own sister and Neice tell me he has issues and to leave him which says enough really. It's very early days but I think after I have this abortion I will end up hating him more .
Dreading my appointment at 3pm- have had zero sleep can't stomach a thing not even a morning coffee .

Thanks again all for the honest feedback it's really given me food for thought from my first post and you guys have actually helped me think things through in my scrambled head.

@AreTurnipsReal I agree I think I need to find myself again before I even think of bringing a child into this world - I do think I am mentally drained
Thanks for your kind words but after all this the last thing on my mind is meeting someone - I've given up on the male species and I think that's why this decision is so hard because i have no interest in meeting anyone so how will I have another child :-(

I felt the same after my experiences with my ex, but I did get back to being me!

Psychotherapy helped a lot too, so I really recommend therapy.

I wish you luck with your appointment. Your nerves and feelings are all very natural and I know I’d feel the same.

Once you’ve properly disengaged and recovered from him, you have every chance of meeting a good man to raise children with. You also have the option of a sperm donor and going it alone, without being bound to a narcissistic nightmare of a man.

Best of luck for your appointment today, you have the strength to get through this, just as you had the strength to break away and leave him.

@Ammy85

Hi all

Quick update , I spoke to an abortion clinic to get information and go through an assessment as I was 80 percent sure this is what I wanted to do after hearing all the feedback and speaking to my support network - the woman on the phone was describing taking the pill like it was the worst thing on earth- you will be in pain heavy bleeding you need codeine thé sac will Come out etc etc she literally went into so much detail I wanted to hang up in disgust . I thought it would be an easier process that I am asleep for at the surgery - actually watching clots and sacs fall out of me is disgusting .
And the after pain she said does get quiet bad ?
Now I'm back to feeling in two minds and have an appointment on Thursday to get the scan and the so called pills . I could kill for a glass of wine or 10 but because I'm in two minds I feel I shouldn't drink - possibly the most stressed weekend and all I did was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling .

OP I had a medical termination at 8 weeks 18 months ago. The pain for me wasn't much worse than bad period pains. There was some heavy bleeding with large clots, but that only lasted a couple of hours. I didn't notice passing any sac or anything. I didn't have after pains. I had a day in bed with snacks and drinks, watching Netflix.

I took travel sickness tablets (I think they were called stugeron?) before I took the second tablets because I was warned that it could make me feel nauseous and I'm emetophobic.

Good luck whatever you decide to do! If there is no way you think it would work out then I totally get having an abortion. There's no going back though, so if you think that there is any way it could work, even if it's not the most straightforward do take a bit of time to think about it. Have you spoken to any close friends or family members about your predicament?

Hi Ammy,

I hope your appointment went better than you were expecting and that you were able to tell the clinicians or workers about your worries. You have a few weeks to make a decision, don't you? It's not your fault that this nasty, nasty man has abused you and still has power over you. How strong and brave you were to leave him behind? Hang on to that feeling of freedom - you earned it and you have a bright and happy future ahead of you.

I only say you seem a little unstable because I can be a bit unstable so can read the signs You will be OK. Everything is not dark, you have plenty of life and opportunity. The choice and power is in YOUR hands. It is not up to any of us but you to choose your path. Decide what life you want!

Do you perhaps deep down hope that there WILL be a happy ever after with this man? You know there won't be (based on the reality you have presented to us).

You deserve some quiet time, some walks, a non judgmental friend or trained counsellor like ithers have suggested to help you.

Well my appointment was an absolute disaster - my gut told me to ask for a pic of the scan which I saw and was overcome with emotions and guilt- she then gave me a large bag that resembled a goodie bag filled with pills codeine leaflets pregnancy test and instructions. The nurse went Into went into detail about me bringing on a miscarriage and at one point said have you got children as if to say I was doing this as I already had a child 😔- now I'm sat her staring at this bag thinking when do I take the pills or if I should even take them- she said I have until the 29/30th .
Horrible horrible horrible experience - it would have been easier to have the surgical and be done with it rather than sit her and wonder now in guilt .

I think you really need to book in some professional help to talk this over. This is a big choice and you need to feel in a firmer place to do this or it will mess with your head even more.

www.msichoices.org.uk/other-services/counselling/

Are you prepared to face and live with the reality of having this child?

Are you aware that you’ll have to share custody 50-50; are you happy with this? You won’t be able to control how your child is like after by her/his father.

Your ex can call you into court with false charges of neglect, etc- are you aware of this?

Definitely get counselling and face the reality of this decision, so you are able to make one you don’t regret.

I’m sure the nurse wasn’t asking about any other children for that reason, she probably meant you might need to plan help while you needed rest.

@Greenmarmalade

I’m sure the nurse wasn’t asking about any other children for that reason, she probably meant you might need to plan help while you needed rest.

Yes, this is why she will have asked. I was told that as I had a child at home with me I needed to have another adult to take care of them on the day I took the second medication.

If you think being a solo parent is tough it would be even harder with him involved. You'd spend so much energy trying to make co-parenting work and (trying to) undoing the damage he did through his 'parenting, the stress and ways it could backfire are endless.
In your shoes I'd be keeping it and not putting him on the birth certificate and not telling him, if I was in a position to support myself and a child. Or I'd be considering an abortion. Your friends advice he has a right to know is true in an ideal world, but in reality it would be a disaster for the child who must come first in all decisions if it is to come into this world and stand a chance of living it's life free from deep emotional damage which an abusive father would cause.

Sorry, hadn't read your updates so a lot has moved on.

Hi op

I understand your going through a really difficult time at the moment but please don't use the word 'disgust' over losing clots etc, many women have miscarriages and sadly have to go through this and describing it as disgust is very harsh and upsetting.

I think you are doing the right thing with the abortion. You are young and have plenty of time to have children. You truly do not know how much you love a child until they come and then having to share 50/50 custody with someone who will torment you and use the child as a weapon for the rest of your life. It will push you to the brink of insanity if not potentially suicidal and I mean that.

I work with women who are dealing with custody issues and children being used as the go between and the damage it does to child and parent is horrible. Never mind the financial cost of court and stress this brings. All those special moments In your child's life you will dread because of him. What if he wants them over Christmas would you be ok with this.

You have the opportunity here to move on and life a happy life with a child in the future in better circumstances. Please think about this.

Maybe try and get a counseling appointment over the phone with the clinic to help you feel ok with your decision (whatever you decide). Both options are upsetting so you basically have to decide which option is the least bad.

Sorry @HPmagic didn't mean to cause an offence .

Not taken the pills but have been in bed pretty much staring at them in two minds - I've turned my phone Into divert mode to avoid everyone who keeps asking me "have you taken them yet" . I can't bring myself to just yet. Felt totally exhausted mentally and physically so I have taken the remainder of the week off work.
Maybe I should speak to a someone that doesn't know me or my ex or the dynamics and get a second opinion as right now I am torn. A friend of mine is 13 weeks pregnant and sent me her baby scan which just hurt me so much and filled me with guilt.
I'm just trying to find a way to detach my head from my heart really .

Pleased to hear that you have taken the rest of the week off.

Something is stopping you from taking these pills. It's so difficult with it being such a final decision.

I'm not trying to convince you not to go with the abortion but I cant help but disagree with people actively encouraging you to go through with such a big thing by the means of an online forum. Only you know the ins and outs of the situation!

Could it be that the ex wouldn't actually want 50/50 custody? At some point he is likely to move on and settle down with someone else and then might not have the same level of interest in being involved in your life. Could he potentially be a good father even though he was not a good partner? Having a child might make it slightly more difficult to meet someone else further down the line, but not massively so - everyone has a past! Most importantly, would you have friends and family to support you? There are lots of strong 💪 single mothers out there doing a fabulous job of bringing up their children, it's not easy but it is doable and you would meet others in the same situation. Loads of single mothers by the time they start primary school!

Also, don't forget, children grow up! When they reach their teens they are likely to want to exert more choice over where they live etc. And if he doesn't prove himself to be a good father then they are more likely to want to spend their time with you.

I would write down a list of pros, cons and potential solutions to each point. Only you can make this decision! Best of luck op!!

I would never want to encourage anyone to have an abortion. I just want OP to be aware of what it can be like to have a child with an abusive person so she can make an informed decision.

OP.

You have to look after you here.
And your child.

There are valid reasons for not having a child with him. Which is why you've gone so far with giving yourself that option.

But actually this is going against your instinct. Your instinct is to protect and love your child.

You're very conflicted because you're trying to make the biggest decision if your life bug you don't have your own experience to go on. You haven't had a child before, and you haven't had an abortion.

Some people are very confident that abortion is their best choice. Many people aren't. Of those, some go ahead and later feel relieved. Others go ahead and feel the most awful regret for the rest of their lives.

You've come here for advice, and I'll give you mine.

Number 1 is: this is YOUR life, your body, and your baby. So ultimately you're going to be more likely to do the right thing going with your instincts. Because all the people telling you what they would do are not you, and will disappear once you've taken your decision, and you'll be left with you. You will have to answer to and support you.

Number 2: It seems you do want children. In this situation, abortion is harder and is based on the hope (because that's all it can be) that you'll get pregnant again. You ask if it's harder over 35. Statistically it is, and there are more chances of miscarriage and genetic defects the older you get. Having said that, millions of older woman conceive with no problem, and many of them have successful pregnancies. BUT. This is all statistical. Again, you are you. Nobody can tell you for certain you'll have another successful pregnancy. You very most likely will, but there is no guarantee.

What is certain and what you do know 100% is that you are pregnant right now.

I have extensive firsthand experience of an abusive partner. And I've had an abortion. So I'm in a good position to share my experience-based thoughts with you.

I had an abortion when I was 21. Because my partner was abusive. And I was told I was too young by friends and family.

It devastated me as was totally against my instincts. But the only thought over the years I've had is that at least I didn't have his influence in my life. And I didn't have to see him.

But I was very young and I've gone on to have two children. My first husband was, I can probably say, rebound from what happened. A nice guy, amazing child, but marriage ended mutually and amicably. My second partner has not been so easy. We have a beautiful daughter. But he has proved very very difficult. And I have felt the pain of him being her father, and both of us being exposed to his madness.

So I know the feeling of what it is to have someone forever in my life who I know I'd be better off without.

And I'd rather have my daughter and deal with him, than not have her.

There is a lot of support, I think, to help you go it alone.

There is nothing that can make you lose the regret after terminating a pregnancy.

I'm sure you've thought most or all of this, which is why it's so hard.

I do get it that it's easier maybe to terminate and start afresh. Just your age and stage would caution me, because nothing is certain.

You really need some very neutral counselling, and you won't get that from the BPAS.

Just listen to yourself. Ultimately you are the only one who's going to be living with this choice. And your baby, if you chose him or her.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk I agree. I'm so shocked at the number of posters pressuring the OP into an abortion. Of course I'm pro choice, if that's what the OP wants. She didn't seem sure and most of the posters seem to be putting that forward as her only choice. It isn't.

Ps
I can see some others in the thread have taken a clear stance.

Mine is based on what I hear you saying.

You want to have your first child.

So I wouldn't risk the devastation of abortion.

I'd have the baby and deal with the asshole father.