Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

@devildeepbluesea thank you this is my fear , stuck with him there constantly ! I'd rather not I've spent lockdown in hell because of him I can't imagine another 9 months of mental torture and mind games and added stress when I was finally free from him

Were you using contraception? If not and you got pregnant anyway then I dont think you need to worry so much about whether you would lose your chance of motherhood.
Even if you weren't using anything, 34 is not a last-chance saloon ny any means, so don't think it is your only chance.

I'm 40 and ttc our 2nd, about 6 months so far and nothing yet.

At 37 we got pregnant first try.

I would advise to end the pregnancy. Chances are ex will find out (unless you move away, change job etc).

Just to add, I have worked with mums of children who were a result of a rape/ abusive ex's and about half really struggled with their children looking just like their dads.
Saying this as I'd advise if you continued with the pregnancy to seek therapy to prepare you for your future and close off the past- although easier said than done if he is fighting for rights.

Sorry to hear of this OP. My DH has two children with a narcissistic, tocix ex and it has been hell for him, the children and me. We have 2 children know and I fear they will ever suffer from her influence on our lives. Both DH and I are on anti-depressants from what we have been through. I would never normally suggest abortion, but in this instance I would. You will be tied to this man forever if you go ahead which won't be fair on you or a child. I understand the age issue but you have time to meet someone else or use a sperm donor and live a life free of this man. All the best

Sorry you’re in this difficult situation OP. One thing I would consider is, if he’s put you through so much abuse and pain, could you bear to watch whilst he potentially emotionally and mentally does this to your child too? If he uses the child as a pawn to get back at you, that’s something that could potentially last a lifetime and could severely impact both you and any child. Wishing you the best during this tough time.

I've noticed you and others saying your baby is only cells at the moment.

I feel you should know the facts when making this decision so recommend you look into this as this isn't the case.
At 6 weeks, your baby has a heartbeat.
I'm sure that makes your decision harder and I'm sorry for that but I felt you should be fully aware.

If you choose to keep the child, I believe the father has a right to know that he has a child.
If you choose not to, then there is no reason to tell him.

I'm sorry you find yourself facing such a decision

Not very helpful @TheGracefulwhale. The OP is clearly in an impossible and stressful situation. Piling on anti-abortion guilt is a low blow, as is saying “the father has a right to know he has a child”- he is an abusive, manipulative person, why should the OP submit to that, especially when he has failed to be part of the lives of his existing children so will add nothing (or certainly nothing good).

OP, I hope you’re doing ok. Do what you need to look after yourself. It will be sad, but you’ll be ok & neither you nor an innocent child will be stuck with an abusive arsehole for the rest of your lives.

@Keepingthingsinteresting I worded my response in the kindest way I could.
I am a pro choice person but I feel that choice should be a fully educated one.
You've chosen to pick up on isolated sentences in my post and not read the supporting information around it.

I stand by my post that IF she chooses to keep the child then the father has a right to know. He also has a responsibility to pay for that child.
IF she chooses to terminate then that is her decision, it is her body, and there is no reason for the father to know.

@Greenmarmalade

Do not tell him. Do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not send photos in a moment of guilt or weakness.

Or you’ll have to leave your precious child with him for potentially 50% of the time- without you. Regardless of his abusive past .

Tell your friends straight to keep quiet. Stay off social media. Spread a rumour about a new fling- this can be the ‘father.’

This.

I would also add that if you do decide to terminate, tell no-one other than people you can be 100% confident would not tell him and who can support you.

Issues to think about:
A child has two parents.
You would be wrong to totally deprive your child of its father.
Ex is bound to find out if you continue the pregnancy and may seek contact. You would be dealing with him for the next 18+ years.

At 34 it's highly likely that you will be able to conceive another child.

If it was your only chance for a child would you want him to be the father and be a part of your child's life forever?

Do you live close? Does he harass the mothers of his other kids? Or does he move on and forget?

I appreciate all the feedback - I have always had this conversation in the past with him before he revealed his narcissistic ways and felt "bad" that his ex refused him to see his daughter and "promised I would never do that" -I was actually the one who rekindled their relationship when I met him and she is now 16 - their relationship is purely about money she has no interest in him because he was never there as a child and she remembers this - this is what she told me . I certainly wouldn't want my own child feeling like that about their father at all it is awful - so hiding the baby is impossible as I mentioned he knows my life inside and out and has had me followed before due to paranoia , keeping the child would mean I'm stuck with him for 18 years regardless of trying to hide he will find a way, his parents are lovely so I would hate to hide their grandchild from him...it really is looking like an abortion is the only way I can start afresh ...although I am so torn and in two minds- been back and forward today about calling the clinic and doing anything but that- I guess I need to think logically .
Oh and he has bipolar as does his sister I found out a couple of years ago? And a brother who is depressed and his mum bless her also has mild bipolar - Is that inherited ? Stupid question I know but interested to know ?
Reading this I must sound like my life is a thriller movie !!!!

No, at 6 weeks it doesn’t have a heartbeat. It’s a group of cells with an electrical impulse and a very very immature cardiovascular system. Do not be guilted by anti abortion propaganda OP, you need to make the decision that is the best one for you.

In your shoes I would abort and cut that man out of my life completely.

Yes, bipolar disorder has a genetic component to it.

With that update, I think you’d need to move and disappear from his reach, or terminate (and asap, time really is of the essence).

Moving far away sounds extreme, but I have seen what men do in the courts and in daily life to try to control women and make their lives unbearable. Let alone the effect on a child. The existing laws will not protect you as they’ll allow him access to the child, at a starting point of 50% of the time (meaning you get no money either).

@MadeForThis

At 34 it's highly likely that you will be able to conceive another child.

If it was your only chance for a child would you want him to be the father and be a part of your child's life forever?

Do you live close? Does he harass the mothers of his other kids? Or does he move on and forget?

Absolutely - OP you have years ahead to conceive!

@Ammy85 just read your most recent post.

100% abortion, it seems you have to choose this option to move on in life.

Agree with a pp - bi polar is very often inherited.

The earlier this is done the sooner you can move on.

You most likely have years ahead of you to conceive - you've got pregnant now when (I assume) you weren't trying. This time next year you could me pregnant again with a man who loves and respects you.

In your position I'd terminate. You have just broken away. Continuing with the pregnancy just drags you back. You are so close to a fresh start. No one will judge you for having a termination in your situation.

I think it's unfair all these people telling you to abort when you clearly aren't 100% sure yourself. You could make it work OP if you wanted to keep the baby. Regardless, I wouldn't tell your ex. Of course if you want an abortion then you should go ahead. I'd take more time to think about it, your clearly torn. Bipolar has a genetic link, about a 15-30% chance. I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy just based on this. I don't think anyone can tell you what you should do. Only you can make that decision.

That's so tough.

Sadly 6 weeks is really early days so why not sit on it until at least the 12 week scan and probably the 20 week scan so any hard choices are yours alone to focus on before you bring anyone else in to talk about them.

This will also give you distance and clarity on the end of a long and what sounds like painful relationship. These three months will give you the head space to step back and see more clearly what you need to do.

For what it's worth if you were my friend and his had done the things to you and ex partners and children I'd probably not tell him. You can always say it was a fling after you broke up and if he pushes for dna test then go from there. I doubt he will.

At 34 if you come out of this, recover and start a new healthy relationship in a year and are maybe ready to try for a baby after a year that takes you to 36/37 when you have a baby if it's all that simple so I'd probably keep the baby. I say this after a chat with my mum recently who said a friend of hers didn't keep the baby 35 years ago in a similar situation and always regretted it. She never did go on to have a child sadly.

I'm glad you have family and friends to lean on and at least lockdown gives you the excuse to stay more private.

Narcissistic personality disorder is an inheritable condition. Is he a bit nasty or do you think he is so bad he is diagnosable?

If you want the baby have the baby, it can't help the fact that it's father is a waste of space.

Contrary to what others have said, at 34 you don't necessarily have years of fertility left by the time you meet someone new and get to the point where you are ready for a baby.

In terms of wether to tell or not please consider the fact that the child will most likely be curious about where he or she came from. Hopefully there would be a way to keep him at a distance. No rush to tell him for now.

Also, my dad has bipolar and it is well controlled with the right medicines. None of his 3 adult children have it.

I fell pregnant easily at 40 I assumed it would be harder over 35 so I was slack with protection, I didn't go ahead with the pregnancy though.
I understand it must be difficult for you if you really want a baby but the father is not one to settle with, give it good thought, having a baby on your own means you probably be single for quite a long time or risk not going ahead and meeting a better man to raise children with.