Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

I wish I had kept it from my abusive ex that my baby was his. I wish I'd kept him off the birth certificate too. I also wish I'd never kindled a relationship between him and our child because he's a nasty piece of work who uses our child as a weapon to hurt me and to keep control of me threatening to take etc etc. My child is constantly let down by him yet still wants to see him and I'm left with the fall out. What's more, despite being a terrible supporter or father, he makes it extremely difficult for me to move on with another partner and destroys any potential relationship by bullying and abusing and threatening. Obviously I love my child with everything I have but I wonder if it would have been best to not have any children with him because of all the damage he causes daily.

Don't put him on the birth cert simply because it will give him the 'right' to affect your lives if he feels like it. Given his past record, it would be unwise. You're not denying him - you're just choosing not to give him automatic control.

If you do decide to terminate you will not be ruining your chances of motherhood. You can get pregnant again.
You are more likely to find a decent man and have a healthy relationship and future if this man is not hanging around poisoning everything.

@Athrawes

If you do decide to terminate you will not be ruining your chances of motherhood. You can get pregnant again. You are more likely to find a decent man and have a healthy relationship and future if this man is not hanging around poisoning everything.

?!

I'm afraid you really can't give any assurances like that! Yes most likely would be fine but nobody could guarantee it. And also nobody can guarantee who the OP will meet and how quick that will be.

It's not helpful to use generalisations as if they're fact.

Having said that, I do agree much better without the guy hanging around. But sometimes there is no perfect option.

@Athrawes

If you do decide to terminate you will not be ruining your chances of motherhood. You can get pregnant again. You are more likely to find a decent man and have a healthy relationship and future if this man is not hanging around poisoning everything.

Not necessarily true at all, in a few years fertility can decline massively. We are talking about a potential life here, it's a massive decision and there is far more to consider than what the father is like!

Hi all.

I've been reading the replies and I have to be honest I am now leaning away from abortion - I am so so torn on what to do but the fact that I have not had a glass of wine to take the edge of things means I am deep down worried of harming this baby. Every hour I have a different thought process going through my head. The ex I am still ignoring but I am thinking if I tell him would this weight on my shoulders be lifted? Would he react like anormal man who will "step up " when needed (not romantically) - if I say I will keep the baby and want nothing more to do with you and pray for the best? Or totally ignore and have the termination .
He is a narcissist and emotionally abusive to me but he does love his daughter more than anything on this earth even if he was absent for some of her life .

It sounds like you might have a tough few weeks ahead. Lots to think about, but despite all of this, could you see yourself starting to get excited as the pregnancy progresses? This child would likely bring a huge amount of joy and love into your life despite the fact that the situation with the father is far from ideal. If you already had children with man and the relationship ended you would have to find a way to deal with this, and you would manage because you would have to. Can you find a way to manage? Whilst it's a difficult situation, it doesn't sound to me like it's an impossible one.

You might find that you are stronger than you think you are!

@Ozziewoz

If you do tell him, I would ensure you are fully prepared for any future crap. Keep all communication by email. Keep them all. Document everything in on place so you don't lose it. In the event of it all going pair shaped, you have his behaviours, evidence to use to protect yourself and your child. So many of us havent had this but wish we did.

Just looking back on the thread. This sounds like excellent advice.

I really don't think you should tell him about the baby until you are in a stronger position. This is only based on what you have said about him. Give yourself more options, don't put him on the birth certificate.

He sounds like he has had the chance to be a father a couple of times and not done a very good job by the child or the mother. Why add that drama to your life and your child's. If in the future when you are in a good place and you can see he has changed (people can change but it's hard and more so as they get older) then maybe consider opening up the bubble of you and your child then. I think as a mother you need to protect your child first and a healthy stable relationship with a single parent is much better than having a complex father with issues adding drama and maybe pain to your life and theirs.

One glass of wine isn't going to do any harm. Hitting the bottle night after night might but you aren't doing that. Be kind to yourself. Have you reached out to speak to any counselling groups. Your GP should have a list as well.

[quote moanieleminx]@Parkerwhereareyou I can't believe what I am reading.

The op's quality of life needs to be considered.

Decisions about whether to choose adoption, end a pregnancy, or continue a pregnancy should be made by a woman with the help of compassion, facts, education and encouragement to do what is right for her, not emotionally loaded bullshit.

[/quote]
everything is important - but overall, the OP can and should make her decision on what SHE needs

but he does love his daughter more than anything on this earth even if he was absent for some of her life .

how does he show this?

My ex loves his children too but that doesn't equal a good or safe parent unfortunately. For example - I cannot let him know where his children go to school due to the abuse he threatens to 'take' them, if they ever need hospital treatment he cannot know as he uses it against me as an unfit parent or if an accident happens elsewhere then I'm a terrible parent for making bad choices of friends/places to visit/activities to do. He tells people lies about me, including we're still together/we split up ages ago/I cheated/im a lesbian/I'm bipolar/I'm abusive. He won't let me date anyone else (I've had 3 years single and not wanting to date due to the devastation in his wake). The things that you cannot comprehend at this stage that you're at now is insurmountable unfortunately. I wouldn't wish my circumstances upon anyone, my advice would definitely be to not tell him or tell anyone. I'd think of a lie and stick to it, understandably you've already some friends but if I were you I'd tell nobody else.

• but he does love his daughter more than anything on this earth even if he was absent for some of her life .

how does he show this?*

And why did her mother keep him from her? Have you got her version of events?

The ex I am still ignoring but I am thinking if I tell him would this weight on my shoulders be lifted? Would he react like anormal man who will "step up " when needed (not romantically) - if I say I will keep the baby and want nothing more to do with you and pray for the best?

You need to listen to some of the experienced voices on here. Link to what you know about narcissists. This will answer your questions. You need to be rooted in reality.

This man had you FOLLOWED.
What else has he done?
Why on earth would news of a baby change anything, other than giving him the best ammunition he could dream of?

Have the baby if you want to- but don’t start dreaming about how it could change things for him, or with him. It can’t and it won’t.

I implore you to get counselling.

As pp have said- if you do have this child, do not go to register him/her with your ex. Do not put his name on that certificate.

Big hugs.

I think you may be feeling low- like you did in the relationship sometimes and your answer was to go to him as that's the cycle of abuse you were in. He was in a position where (understandably) you'd turn to him/ believe him first.

I think that's why you want to tell him because it's a previous pattern.

I would say, think of the worst memory of being with him, now think of that again and you have a baby.

I think you should speak with a bpas counsellor to get it all out with a professional to help decide your way forward.

Really wish you lots of luck and no one would blame you for either decision.

@Greenmarmalade as blunt as your message was it actual has a lot of truth in it so thank you. And thank You to everyone on your inputs.
I totally agree about keeping my distance from him and I am determined to do so whatever my decision , I have requested for my number to be changed and I don't use Facebook .
I've not decided anything yet and I know the longer I leave it the harder it gets - I'm Just so exhausted mentally to even think rationally now

I’m sure you’ll make a good decision, whatever it is. I truly wish you all the best.

Apologies if I have pressured you OP. It doesn't matter what I would do. Just do what you want and stand by it confidently. Your choice completely.

@AreTurnipsReal no no please don't think that you have pressured me - no one on here as - I take onboard every single comment and honestly it's what has kept me focused on what decisions I need to take and soonish rather than letting my fairy tale thoughts run away with me. I can't thank you all enough ..never thought I'd find some rational thinking from strangers but it does help hearing peoples thoughts on my situation . I'm still no closer to what I am going to do just yet and taking time off work was not a good idea as all I've done is exhaust myself thinking so I'm going to work tomorrow busy myself on something else and have the weekend to come to a conclusion. More so than the ex it's the financial strains and the thought of sleepless nights which I have read about and doing that all alone is pretty scary so trying to write a list of pros and cons

Sleepless nights aren't nearly so bad if you bring the baby next to you to soothe to sleep. And it's only really full on for about 8 weeks. Over so quickly.

As parents we've all been through this. It's part of the process.

Sounds like you need a break from this whole dilemma so you can stand back and make your choice 💐

To help you organise your thoughts:
You want to have a baby and be a mum.
You do not want to be tied to a toxic man. He is vile and you have not even gone into everything he has done. He drained you financially (selfish!!!) and mentally abused you (had you FOLLOWED!). Shudder.

Are you financially able to support a child? E.g. do you have a home / secure job etc?

What I am unsure about is whether you are unconfortable with abortions generally or whether you want to continue with This pregnancy and that is why you are finding it difficult. What are your general thoughts on women having abortions?

Aside from that, you do need to understand this is very, very unlikely to be your only chance of having a baby. 34 is older than 21 but you are still fertile for many more years! If you were 41 the situation may be different. You will likely be able to get pregnant again in the future - this is not your only chance. No-one can say for certain but the odds are very much in your favour to be pregnant again in a couple of years when you are ready.

Can you research what steps could be in place to protect the baby and you from his abuse if you went ahead? I know people talk about birth certificates but what does that mean exactly? Could he take the child from school on a Friday and not return it to you?

Honestly, please relax. You still have to to decide. You have all the power to choose. You can have this baby and work hard to protect it from abuse - just make sure you are out of his grips and DO not start believing he will change his ways. He really really wont. He had two chances with his other kids already. What a prick. You can focus on thinking about how you will protect yourself from him to help you envisage life as a single mum.

I think I am rambling :) Haveba good day at work! Dont worry. You have time. Its fine. You have control and power and choice and autonomy. You can do what you like. Go with your instinct and make it work.

I certainly wouldn’t want to hitch my wagon to his horse for a lifetime. He sounds horrendous.

Financial concerns are very valid, but do you have family who could help you or who you could move in with in the short term whilst you find your feet?

Obviously there is a loss of initially but could you get by? Are you entitled to maternity pay? Once they get to the age of 3 the government helps to cover the cost the of nursery fees etc. And once they start school you should be able to work normal working hours if the school provide wrap around care (e.g. breakfast club, after school club).

Children themselves don't have to cost a lot, you can easily make savings by buying second hand clothes and accepting hand me downs etc.

In terms of the sleepless nights, that's a fairly short term thing. From speaking to many friends I have noticed a general trend that men seem able to sleep through a baby crying, so being single might make little difference here.

I would say that a lot of your concerns are fairly short term, can you see beyond then? A year or two down the line it may well be that concerns that you had are no longer issues.