Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

[Ammy85]

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

ColdCottage ** Sadly 6 weeks is really early days so why not sit on it until at least the 12 week scan and probably the 20 week scan so any hard choices are yours alone to focus on before you bring anyone else in to talk about them.

A 20 week abortion? This would be extremely traumatic, emotionally and physically.

Seeing a baby at the 12 week scan and then aborting- also very distressing, I’m sure. 6 weeks is the perfect time- easy procedure and not yet a ‘baby’ by a lot of people’s standards. Worlds away from 20 weeks .

Yes it’s a difficulty decision but time really is of the essence, and if termination is likely, much much better to do it very early.

Agree with @Greenmarmalade if you do decide termination then earlier the better.

@Greenmarmalade I think you misunderstood me. I was thinking of any abnormalities that might show up at the 20 week scan - which she might feel the need to discuss with the father. I was not suggesting waiting until 20 weeks to make a choice about an abortion.

Sorry, @ColdCottage I did misunderstand you

It sounds a horrendous situation, OP.

I wouldn't go ahead - otherwise he's in your life for the rest of yours, whether you want him to be or not.

Hi all

Quick update , I spoke to an abortion clinic to get information and go through an assessment as I was 80 percent sure this is what I wanted to do after hearing all the feedback and speaking to my support network - the woman on the phone was describing taking the pill like it was the worst thing on earth- you will be in pain heavy bleeding you need codeine thé sac will Come out etc etc she literally went into so much detail I wanted to hang up in disgust . I thought it would be an easier process that I am asleep for at the surgery - actually watching clots and sacs fall out of me is disgusting .
And the after pain she said does get quiet bad ?
Now I'm back to feeling in two minds and have an appointment on Thursday to get the scan and the so called pills . I could kill for a glass of wine or 10 but because I'm in two minds I feel I shouldn't drink - possibly the most stressed weekend and all I did was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling .

Oh and the narcissist ex made contact with me asking for help with his business invoices that I did for him- I have literally ignored him - not even a "how are you doing?"

Whether or not to terminate a pregnancy is always going to be a tough decision, and one that only you can make for yourself. Nobody on MN or any other chat is going to have to live with the decision ( whichever way you go).
The fact that it won't be an easy thing to terminate should not be enough to change your mind. 25 years of looking after another human being is not without its difficulties either.
The person at the clinic was just making sure you knew exactly what to expect.
You still have time to think on this. Whatever your decision, you are going to have to live with it so make the de idiom for the right reasons.
Good luck.

Can you go away for 2-3 months? He won’t be looking for you then and when he does see you you can say it’s someone else’s, you’ve been at a cousins in cornwall... because I can see you want this baby, but best to keep him out of their life. That’s a completely fair approach as you’ve seen his parenting already, several times over. Your friends are wrong
My friends will never tell him they hate him they just feel it's "the right thing to do" especially as it's "very hard" doing it alone
It’s ‘Especially’ even harder than anything else parenting while resisting being abused and controlled by a man who doesn’t care about his child or you.

@Ammy85 wow that seems a lot. What sort of clinic is it?

As I understand it the pills you take and the experience is very similar to those taken for someone who has a Missed Miscarriage (maybe look up some of those threads to get a better picture). I had one of these and when I took the pills they gave me a ibuprofen family (diplofenic) suppository to help with any pain. I also took paracetamol. When I started getting cramps I got in the bath and when I started bleeding I sat on the loo for what felt like a couple of hours while most of the clots come out. I didn't really see anything and didn't see a sac. I then went to bed with an overnight pad on and then it just felt like a normal period. I was really worried what it would be like but it wasn't as scary as I thought.

I hope you have lots of real life support too.

Do what's right for you. Take him out of the equation. If it was just you and a baby what would that picture look like?

Sorry to hear the lady at clinic describing the termination in such a bad way, it's not the worst thing on earth, I went through it myself at 6 weeks, yes it's heavier than a period but at 6-7 weeks there was nothing scary to see, the embryo is only 1cm and a lot less painful than giving birth to a full term baby.

Thanks all really appreciate this.

I have the scan tomorrow and they will give me my pills to take at home. I actually do not want to do the scan will it show heartbeat image etc it just makes the process more daunting than it is I'm already on edge - and I prob will not take the pills till the weekend as if it's painful and heavy I need to sleep it off rather than work which I am currently doing remotely .
Trickiest situation ever - literally one minute I'm dead certain next I'm swallowed with what if questions in my head, one thought I never imagined will come into my head was "what if it makes the narcissist ex a better person and he actually steps up ?" I'm sure that's just my emotions because the mental torture he has inflicted on me is far to much but I'd be lying if I didn't care still I just know I will never be happy.
When he messaged the other day for his work help he didn't ask how I was so I snapped today after another message asking for help and said do you not have a care in the world to ask me how I'm doing and his response was I don't ask anyone how they are I'm too busy with work and don't ask anyone which is bullshit- he sits gambles and chats to woman online- That Gave me the answers I needed really and I told him to go hire a PA from one of those sex sites he goes on and dating sites and to leave me alone!
Tempted to have a bottle of wine tonight but so so guilty and I don't know why when I'm leaning heavily towards terminating.

Clinic was bpas - lively lady but far to graphical for my liking

Just ask them not to show you the screen or make the heartbeat audible for you when you go in. Close your eyes as well if you are nervous.

Though from what you have said it sounds like you aren't sure. I'm glad you are waiting until the weekend incase it wipes you out. It will also give you a bit more time to think about your choice. Try and listen to your gut, I find that always serves me well.

@ColdCottage thank you and I'd be lying if I was to say I am not unsure- i very much am the more I think - I was trying to distract myself with work earlier when a client tells me she's pregnant midway through our conversation and how delighted she is etc. Little things keep popping up that's haunting me!

Thanks for the tip will see what set up the nurse has and worse case tell her to not show me and turn the audio off because that will break me totally .

I think you should terminate the pregnancy and tell your friends you miscarried. You so not want this awful man to have any hold over you. Good luck with your decision

one thought I never imagined will come into my head was "what if it makes the narcissist ex a better person and he actually steps up ?"

He won’t unless it’s for show.

He won’t unless it’s to win you back for a bit, for his own gains, not because he loves you.

He won’t be the focus of attention when you’re up every hour of the night with a baby, dealing with the pain and total exhaustion of postnatal recovery. So he won’t be around to help. He may just want some photos for Facebook, but won’t actually care for you or the baby.

Why are you still in contact? Don’t reply to his messages.

@Greenmarmalade

Do not tell him. Do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not send photos in a moment of guilt or weakness.

Or you’ll have to leave your precious child with him for potentially 50% of the time- without you. Regardless of his abusive past .

Tell your friends straight to keep quiet. Stay off social media. Spread a rumour about a new fling- this can be the ‘father.’

I agree with this.

I don't usually play God, but really. He can't be in your life. The child doesn't deserve to be 'terminated' just because he's like he is.

You should allow your baby to be, and don't ever ever get sentimental about him. Sounds like he's not cut out for life, let alone being a father.

These narcissistic losers can cause the most awful grief - ruin a child's life. Just have your kid, yes totally fudge the issue and forget him.

I'm sorry. It all sounds like a novel. But life kind of is.

@Parkerwhereareyou I can't believe what I am reading.

The op's quality of life needs to be considered.

Decisions about whether to choose adoption, end a pregnancy, or continue a pregnancy should be made by a woman with the help of compassion, facts, education and encouragement to do what is right for her, not emotionally loaded bullshit.

Should OP have the child and IF she’s able to avoid him (which is unlikely, as a narcissist he’s probably going to be inclined to latch onto her through the child), what about when the child grows old enough to want to know their father? When they beg OP to allow them contact? When they blame OP for denying them access to their father? When the father invariably makes contact and uses it to control OP through the child?

OP should not be emotionally blackmailed into having a child to her own detriment. If ‘playing god’ is taking control of her own life and making the best decisions for her going forward, then she absolutely needs to.

If he's abusive and narcissistic having his baby may be a very bad idea - it gives him a route to control you and make your life a misery for 18 years

Totally agree with this. But not 18 years... THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!
Motherhood is for life. Not some arbitrary age.

Please think very carefully about this. Are those friends telling you not to have an abortion going to be around to babysit when you need them to? Answer. No.

It's your life. Your choice. If you can do it without help, financial, practical, emotional, the choice is yours,

Thank you so much it does seem I get a bit more reassurance be it bad or good from total strangers than those close to me. I'm still awake now as I'm super nervous about tomorrow, the scan more so then anything so will try and ask for no audio and to turn the screen away. Once I get passed that it's waiting till the weekend to take these pills I'm just praying I am mentally strong enough as right now it comes in waves of guilt, being certain I'm doing the right thing and feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing.
Strangely the ex texted me this evening saying how you feeling today ? Very weird as he is so self absorbed usually and conversation is always about him, i did Get tempted to tell him and see his reaction but deleted the message and turned my phone off as I know in my gut it's all a trap and my minds plying tricks on me.
I will probably not get any sleep tonight at all but will try and update tomorrow at some point ..baby steps ..step one is actually driving to the clinic !!!!

You're very wise to turn your phone off.
When you go to your appointment tomorrow, can you ask if they have anyone to provide an urgent counselling session?
Might make help you think more clearly and make an absolute firm decision - whichever way. It's not surprising your head's all over the place.
Good luck.

Yes I do agree sadly that it will be pretty much impossible to avoid him for the rest of your life if you have a child with him. :(

Oh I feel so bad for you OP. You sound so very stressed. I don't mean to alarm you but you seem to still be suffering from stress and trauma of your ex. You don't seem in the right headspace to have a baby, let alone His baby! You are still upset he is not asking how you are. I fear this will realistically play out that you will relent and be stuck with his and ruin further decades of your life. I feel like the abortion is by the by as you are still in his grips.
From an objective point of view, I would not bring a baby into this danger and tension. It will go badly for you and the baby. (Because of him, not cos you wouldnt be doing your best!).

If I was you, i would get an abortion, mourn, get counselling and ... when you feel better summer is coming, you can begin to date and be treated nicely and I am sure you will meet a lovely partner and begin a happy family within a few years. It will be fine You can have a bright future. Uou have escaped him, keep it that way