URGENT! Termination booked for tomorrow, am I doing the right thing

[Lostinlife89]

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When I got pregnant with my eldest, I lay on my bed crying, sobbing “What have I done??” I thought I’d messed my life up irrevocably. But having both my children has been the best thing I ever did, and the only decision I don’t regret!

But then I didn’t have a career-based job aswel ect...

I had m first in less than ideal circumstances. Babies don’t have to cost much and are very transportable. I did more travelling with ds as a baby than I’d done for years. Everything you have said you meat is achievable with one child, two children gets trickier but I’ve got travelling plans once Covid is over and I’ll be taking two on my own.
If you want a child have this one, if you don’t ever want a child don’t. There’s never a right time to have a child.

You aren't sure so you need to delay. You also do seem to be looking at it in a very negative way and catastrophising. There's no reason you can't travel. A baby is massively portable and I know omega people who take their dc on the types of holiday you are talking about. By the time dd1 was 2 she's been on a plane something like 17 times and I'd done that on my own. My lifestyle only really changed when dd2 came along. In many ways the timing is ideal as your new position is temporary so no huge career upheaval and no one is going to be travelling anywhere at least in the next few months. Realistically could you have gone to all those places in such a short time anyway when just staring a new fixed term job and buying a new home? How would you feel later if you struggle to conceive? I do think you need more time to think it through.

I didn’t really want a child and was very nervous and worried my life would change for the worse - travelling, finances, careers BUT I’m still able to go travelling (actually my friend travelled for a whole year while she was on mat leave), I earn 100%+ more than before baby arrived (DD1 six now) and I worked PT for five years (compressed hours now) and live in a much better home. I thought I’d suffer PND but I was so happy after baby arrived I didn’t even get the common baby blues!

Don’t abort for those things - they will pan out ok.

There will never be a right time if you look at a baby rationally. I never feel I miss out on anything from before - it’s just different!

Weirdly I have never wanted a second child but if one arrived, having had one child, I would definitely carry ahead with it - life is a wobbly journey and will never be perfect but will bring it’s own adventure.

Take care, and at least delay the appointment. I wish you the best whatever choice you make.

I am 30 and have two kids. My life isn't over, in fact they've been the making of me - your life changes but not for the worse. It's hard but absolutely worth the love and purpose you feel. I didn't want to be an older Mum standing at the primary school gates when I am 40 or older (not for me, but there's nothing wrong with it all the same)

Having said that, parenthood isn't for everyone and it's no one's decision but yours as you're the one who has to carry the baby, birth them and then look after them in the 4th trimester. I can understand the anxiety, but resources are available to support you if you choose to keep the baby.

Another thing to consider of course is that fertility isn't guaranteed to anyone and you should be prepared for your relationship to change after the termination if the baby is very much wanted by one partner and not by the other.

I wish you all the best tomorrow, or whatever you choose to do. Good luck

I really don't understand why you are asking complete strangers on the Internet advice on such a personal, life-changing issue.
Is there nobody IRL who knows you well and who you trust, who can listen to you?

Even though you know you may not conceive again, you don't want to have a baby.
That sounds like you've made up your mind, and on top of that you have good practical reasons.
I think if you have the baby you'll regret it and possibly resent your OH.
In your shoes I'd terminate.

I put off TTC every time I got a new job. In the end thought now or never as I kept climbing the ladder. Now expecting baby no2 and no1 isn’t isn’t 18 months old. The last thing I thought I would do if you’d have asked me just over 2 years ago but I couldn’t be happier.
I’m obv not saying have 2, but if you are seriously considering keeping the baby then you are employed from Jan, you don’t have to tell them you’re pregnant straight away. Even if you’re not there quite long enough for maternity pay you will at least be earning for a bit before baby gets here.
Also, I had a termination about 4 years ago as I wasn’t ready as I had just got a new job and we had our wedding booked. It didn’t affect my relationship with DH even though he wanted the baby but it made TTC VERY stressful after as both of us were worried we had ‘had our chance’.
Only you will know the right answer for you xx

This pregnancy wasn't planned as we got told the chances of kids after eptopic wer slim and I think I came to terms with that and that's why I'm feeling this way now

That’s understandable OP, that was a tough message to absorb, it makes sense you made plans to protect yourself.
IMHO I would delay and take time to think about it more, the fact this could be your only chance of having a baby, your dh wants the baby and you aren’t sure, today doesn’t sound like the day to terminate, both decisions are huge, today’s would be so final. Don’t feel pressured to go ahead as you have the appointment booked, as far as I know there is no cancellation policy if you pull out, no one at the clinic will think anything of your decision either way.

Some good advise on this thread, I’m wondering if you could talk this over with anyone in real life or an independent unplanned pregnancy clinic?

Hi Op
Don't have a Termination Tommorow !
(As you could very well end up seriously regret this decision in years to come.
Because this is your only chance/opportunity to become a mother because of your medical condition.

Also there is a single parents website of a young mother who has travelled to Russia, Asia,middle east, S.America etc.

This website is called singlemumtravels.com
She is on Facebook too.

Basically website is about this single parent mother who is a seasoned traveller, to encourage other women with children, who wish to travel and also other mothers who are like minded an do travel with children to support each other, such as passing on advice,tips etc to each other.
lovely holiday photos too on her website like something out of travel Hol website/wildlife conservation volunter's website

Also there is some books on families with young children who travel abroad with Amazon website and other websites on the internet too.

I 100% wouldn’t if it were me for these reasons:

-It isn’t likely travel will be possible for a while anyway and when it is possible again you can travel with a child.
-Your chances of conceiving again are reduced.
-11 weeks is far along.
-It is a wanted baby (by your husband and perhaps by you).

Again, this is why I wouldn’t.

@tolerable thank you for asking how I am. Tbh I'm in a deep dark place. Due to start my new high profile (temp) job soon after redundancy and my head just isn't in the game. After we had the eptopic and had numerous tests to find out it would just be difficult to have kids I kind of came to terms with that, accepted it and planned my life. I love my life, we returned from the Maldives on Xmas eve and to think everything I love will be taken away from me, selfishly makes me sad. My husband is over the moon I'm pregnant but I just dnt feel the same or excited. He said I'd regret a termination but as cold hearted as it sounds I don't think I would. But I do want kids in say 2 years time once I've achieved more things. Silly I know. I'm just confused, sad and extremely anxious.

You can travel with a baby though? One child is not going to be all that hard. Or you can wait until they are a bit older and go then?

Personally I am pro-choice but I do think it's a bit selfish to have an abortion if you are completely capable of raising the child but just don't fancy it.

You do need to think of your husband too. It sounds like he really wants this baby and is going to be devastated if you don't go ahead. What kind of impact do you think that wil have on your future relationship? Will the resentment be worth it? Even if he doesn't say it and wants to support you, he is bound to feel some degree of resentment and disappointment.

Regretting having a child is much, much worse than regretting having an abortion.

Op, you need to do what is right for you. Really sit down and think about what is best for you, not for your husband, not for a child that doesn’t exist yet, or what someone on mumsnet says.

Pro-choice means believing that abortion can be for any women, for any reason, as early or late as necessary.

To be honest it sounds like you've already made up your mind.

2 years isn't long enough to achieve anything. You're going to spend 1 year of that in a temporary job anyway? International travel isn't going to be 100% back for at least another 12 months either

You said you've already "planned" your life - sounds like children doesn't factor into that at all

You may never conceive again? Could you and your marriage survive that?

You're assuming that life with a baby will be less. But it will be MORE. In ways you don't understand now. You will have your life still, and your priorities will shift, uncomfortably at first, but you will rise to it. A child adds so much to your existence. This isn't just an opportunity to have a baby that you're passing up. It's an actual baby, who is here now.

I actually think it sounds like the perfect time to have a baby for you.

Travel will be limited in the next 12 months anyway, your job is temporary so you could potentially take a year out and travel on mat leave where possible. Small babies are actually very portable and although it will be a different experience, it will still be an experience thatis worth while.

That said, it is you who will carry this baby, will take career hits etc and you should want this baby for you, not for your DH.,

Upon reading your updates you seem sure that the travel will go ahead (covid aside as you say except covid is far from aside) but will your husband still want to go - when the travel is the reason the baby he wants didn't happen and there's a very real risk you may not conceive again?

Can't believe there are posters on this thread advocating that the OP have a baby for reasons other than that she wants to!
OP, your body, your choice. I'm sorry you're feeling so low and I hope you can reach out to someone, Samaritans are fantastic and there 24/7 (Tel 116123)

And the people saying you can travel with a baby, I would say very few can. I haven't been abroad since I was pregnant 4 years ago and I feel like a caged animal, most of my friends with three year olds are the same. the only ones who can travel are the ones who either have an incredibly chilled child who sleeps anywhere, and the ones who don't mind if they don't sleep whilst on holiday.

I can understand how you feel but if you want kids in two years then really it makes very little difference in the timeline of your life. It just means the kid(s) would be grown up when you’re younger so you’d gain at the other side.

How would you feel if you terminate then are unable to conceive again at your chosen time?

I don't think you can delay making this decision though as some have suggested. 11 weeks....it's not just a bundle of cells now.....leaving it any later will only become harder and your options become more limited

I was a lawyer living in the Middle East with my husband when I got pregnant aged 30. Like you I travelled a lot, earnt good money etc. I don’t regret having a baby. I still am a lawyer back in England, earn a good salary and now have 4 children. But I don’t agree that you can travel easily with children and especially not babies, I did it a few times with by number 1 but stopped when he became a toddler. Good luck in your decision

Hey OP I feel like I was in your situation a few months ago, I'm now 7 months pregnant and very excited (albeit still scared!). When I found out I had just quit my job and was about to start a teacher training course. Bad timing or what! So no maternity pay for me, but I will get mat allowance which you should too. It's also really bad timing with our mortgage and generally financially I still don't really know how we are going to afford childcare etc. My training providers have been amazing and really supportive, and I've clearly impressed them. There's no reason your temp job wouldn't be the same, and they could still offer you a permanent job! Having a baby doesn't mean your life is over. I hear you with the man comment, it is so much easier for them and in many ways they don't understand what we have to give up. I'm sure it will be worth it though, I know the next 5 years or so are going to be really really tough but I'm glad I'm going ahead with the pregnancy and can't wait to meet my little guy. Good luck with your decision. PS as others have said, you can definitely travel with a little one 🙂