URGENT! Termination booked for tomorrow, am I doing the right thing

[Lostinlife89]

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If your not sure now I think you have to delay given the magnitude of the situation.

Regarding travel, yes it's true that you would not be able to travel much for the first few years after having a baby but with COVID that may not be an option anyway. However, the sooner you have a baby the sooner you can go travelling again - the world will still be there later.

Having been through IVF myself I'd only add that fertility really can't be taken for granted- if you struggle to get pregnant later and need medical intervention that can take years, masses of time, money and effort. If you have a viable natural pregnancy now, is it really worth throwing it away for the sake of two years?

Whatever you chose I hope you make peace with your decision.

I’ll just say this before I hide this thread. I have had 2 abortions and never regretted them for a second. I have a beautiful Dd I adore and would die for, but there are definitely days where I wish I could go back in time and never have got pregnant in the first place. It caused me to have utterly horrific PND/PNA that I still struggle with 4 years later.

I truly do not think anyone should have a child because someone else wants them to. It’s a recipe for disaster. Children are not a gift for everyone, they are fucking hard work and it’s relentless day in day out. Even a tiny amount of regret at having had a child can build up into something that is very serious.

You DO adapt. But it’s not all roses and travelling and sending kids off to boarding school. It’s monotonous, can be extremely unrewarding (no prizes for cleaning up vomit/picking up crap off the floor/asking them to put their shoes on 60 times). And worrying, and tiring beyond belief.

No one should go into that if they’re not 100% on board.

@Ostryga I think there’s a deeper issue here. It’s does OP want kids? Her husband sounds like he does so whilst everyone’s allowed to make their own choices. OP has a DUTY to communicate to her DH if she ever wants to have kids. It’s not fair on him and I suspect she would resent him as she’s quite far on at 11 weeks..

Having a baby dose not stop you travelling, Covid will. It also won’t stop your career, I know and have worked with very successful women who have families. A baby won’t stop a house move either, if anything a baby will drive you to make sure you have a big enough home in the right catchment area.

This is very disingenuous. Having a baby makes very few things impossible. But it makes a lot of them quite a lot harder or more expensive. Which is why, though there are mothers who travel, who manage a successful career, etc. Having a baby means, statistically you are less likely to manage most of these things as well having had a child than if you didn’t have one.

@MorrisZapp

Ok actually hiding now. This thread is a disgrace. No woman should have a baby she doesn't want, regardless of her reasons. Good luck op.

Nobody is saying she has to. Nobody. But it’s ok to tell her to have a termination?

You have some serious issues around this topic that are clouding your ability to read responses in the spirit that they are obviously intended.

@BoomBoomsCousin

Having a baby dose not stop you travelling, Covid will. It also won’t stop your career, I know and have worked with very successful women who have families. A baby won’t stop a house move either, if anything a baby will drive you to make sure you have a big enough home in the right catchment area.

This is very disingenuous. Having a baby makes very few things impossible. But it makes a lot of them quite a lot harder or more expensive. Which is why, though there are mothers who travel, who manage a successful career, etc. Having a baby means, statistically you are less likely to manage most of these things as well having had a child than if you didn’t have one.

You are right

Necessity is also the mother of invention apparently .........

Hope you are doing ok OP x

You can travel with a baby. I would not have the termination if you are at all unsure, it is an irreversible decision. If this could be your only baby, and you do want a baby in a few years, then for the sake of it being a bit earlier than ideal, you would be crazy to risk that. In your situation, stable and loving relationship etc, I think the choice is more do you want a baby ever ? There are of course negatives to having a baby at any point, but there are so many positives too. There really is no perfect time to have a baby, you just need to decide if you want a child with your partner or not.
My feelings are coloured by a friend who was pressured into a termination, and then never did have another pregnancy. It took her a very long time to come to terms with what happened. You are quite far along already, which suggests to me that you are not sure at all about a termination.

How are you doing op?

The world is always going to be there, if you have a child you'll never look back the love you have for your children is indescribable, but if you don't have the child you will prob look back and question what if? Obviously it is totally your choice but the fact you've wrote this post to me says maybe deep down you want to have the child....I've got 2 children & literally can not remember life before them....& you can still travel my son has been to some amazing places around the world....hard decision for you but I wish you well & whatever choice you made 💐

Life is unpredictable. We cannot plan everything. Surely coronavirus has taught us all that.

We are used to controlling our lives, but sometimes it does not work like that. It is that way with pregnancies at times.

It is no good having a life plan: visit here, visit there, visit somewhere else and then have a baby. That's not how it goes. Sometimes it does not work out according to schedule. You have found that out with the ectopic.

sorry took so long to reply.
If possible id suggest even delay app if can. you sound so matter of factly bout the ectopic i cant help but wonder u might have accepted it,but maybe havent grieved,ir allowed yourself emotional reaction.
loving your life is certainly enviable ..and being happy.
realistically the whole outwith your control pregnancy/baby courts -against times,schedules,goals,etc that you can manage and predict is what sticks out...im not judging you. but from outside looking in,you talk of 2 yrs on for kids..reaity is 9months to cook til ready.would temp job nott be possible run concorruent??.next 6 is a eyeopener for sure.they dont stay babies for very long at allpoint is thats pretty much over halfway to 2 yrs... my logic is generally a bit fkt up...its a tough choice,its your choice. pretend its 2yrs on,another new job on cards,suddenly pregnant as planned...//hows taht looking?

I get the impression that you want to abort and are looking for people to validate that decision.

Ultimately, it's up to you.

I would advise you consider two scenarios:

1. You abort, get your two child free years, but then can't conceive again and never have a baby.
2. You have the baby and can't travel for a couple of years.

Consider the wider implications of each choice. Discuss both with your DH. Do consider that your relationship may well break down if you can't conceive again and your DH resents you for aborting this baby. Which is the least worst option? Only you can answer that.

I wish you luck.

Good luck today op with whatever you decide, I hope you have lots of support around you.

Good luck today OP. Take care of yourself.

I feel like there’s a hierarchy on here of what’s important in life...

Why can’t travel and enjoyment of your own existence be further up the list? Children make life hard, I don’t want to travel at all with my son, I don’t enjoy the prospect of it in the slightest. But that’s me. Maybe you’d be different... but having spoken to friends who travelled last Christmas, it sounds stressful and very far removed from the enjoyable pre child travel.

I hope you discussed further with your partner as it should be a decision you make between the two of you. Not something to be influenced by closer pro life fanatics... you will likely get pregnant again and maybe at a better time for you to enjoy the life goals you quite rightly have.

Good luck with your decision.

@LittleLottieChaos

Are you missing that the OP was told it would be unlikely she'd ever confirmed, so this may actually be get only chance, or at least she'd be taking a big risk.

Unlikely she'd ever concieve.

@LittleLottieChaos

I feel like there’s a hierarchy on here of what’s important in life...

Why can’t travel and enjoyment of your own existence be further up the list? Children make life hard, I don’t want to travel at all with my son, I don’t enjoy the prospect of it in the slightest. But that’s me. Maybe you’d be different... but having spoken to friends who travelled last Christmas, it sounds stressful and very far removed from the enjoyable pre child travel.

I hope you discussed further with your partner as it should be a decision you make between the two of you. Not something to be influenced by closer pro life fanatics... you will likely get pregnant again and maybe at a better time for you to enjoy the life goals you quite rightly have.

Good luck with your decision.

There is a huge difference between being a pro life fanatic and pointing out to someone with only one tube that they may find it hard to conceive again (particularly when they have already said they would like children in 2 years' time).

@Lostinlife89

I'm 30, old enough to settle down but I stil feel young enough to see more of the world and experience carefree life. We had plans to buy another house ect and I know that sounds silly but lil things like not being able to do that or travel in the near future make me sad. My relationship is strong and pretty sure this wouldn't cause a drift but the only reason I would keep it is to make him happy. I'm so so lost. I can't delay tomorrow as after 11 weeks they have told me id have to have a sergical termination if I don't go through with tomorrow.

The part where you say the only reason you'd keep it is to make him happy rings alarm bells for me. I had a baby this year and she was very much wanted and planned for, but it is hard work! Much harder work than I imagined it would be. Your body and your time is not your own any more. You can't just take a little lie down because you feel sick and tired any more. Your life constantly revolves around that tiny person and you have to be 'on' and kind and patient 24/7. It's really not something you should go into half arsed for someone else's happiness

You’ve probably gone through with the abortion by now. You sound pretty immature and short sighted if you think you won’t regret this in a couple of years if you can’t conceive. This could be the end of your marriage. And tbh I think you should also be ready to let your dh go. Aborting what may well be his only change at fatherhood seems pretty cruel. I’m not advocating keeping the baby for him. But that you could give such flippant reasons for getting rid of a foetus when your dh really wants children shows you’re not as compatible as you think - as someone mentioned earlier.

I hope you're OK OP. There's some really nasty and uncaring comments on here which say more about the poster than you. I hope you're looking after yourself. Whatever you've decided, you are deserving of compassion and kindness.

@Mummyoflittledragon

You’ve probably gone through with the abortion by now. You sound pretty immature and short sighted if you think you won’t regret this in a couple of years if you can’t conceive. This could be the end of your marriage. And tbh I think you should also be ready to let your dh go. Aborting what may well be his only change at fatherhood seems pretty cruel. I’m not advocating keeping the baby for him. But that you could give such flippant reasons for getting rid of a foetus when your dh really wants children shows you’re not as compatible as you think - as someone mentioned earlier.

This is truly horrendous to say to someone making an incredibly tough decision.

I’ll say it louder for those at the back: YOU CAN HAVE AN ABORTION FOR ANY REASON YOU WANT. It is not up to you to judge someone on why or why not. It is op’s body, and she gets to make the final choice.

Now wind your neck in and learn some fucking compassion.

@ostryga I was about to respond to you in horror and realised you were quoting an awful poster - completely agree with your response!!!! 👏👏👏

I’ll say it louder for those at the back: YOU CAN HAVE AN ABORTION FOR ANY REASON YOU WANT. It is not up to you to judge someone on why or why not. It is op’s body, and she gets to make the final choice

You can have an abortion for any reason, but doesn’t always make it a good idea. I’ve been on boards where sex-selective abortions of boys has been seriously discussed. Lot of people were passionate about that one ...

OP asked for opinions and that’s what she got 🤷‍♀️