URGENT! Termination booked for tomorrow, am I doing the right thing

[Lostinlife89]

Help

If you didn't have a supportive and loving husband would you be hesitating like this , as it does sound as if that's all that's holding you back from going ahead with the termination.

I hope none of our opinions on here are swaying you one way or the other because that's all they are, opinions from strangers.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sometimes the things we want don't come in the order we want.
There is no reason for a baby to destroy your career and travel plans if you don't want it to. You don't have to 'settle down' if you don't want to, plenty of people have a baby and don't. It helps if you have a partner who steps up minimum 50%, you might want to consider if yours will do that. You don't have to spend a year sitting on a sofa breastfeeding if you don't want to.

People parent very differently and your love of travel and new experiences, your personal ambition and professional success, will influence how you do it. You don't need to change who you are or conform to a particular way of doing it. Babies become toddlers, then children, very quickly. It is entirely possible that a child can enhance your life and the experiences you have, I know mine does.

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t travel. My oldest is 7 and we have been abroad at least twice a year since she was a baby.
I’ve also had a termination and regretted it. If I were you I’d go through with the pregnancy.

@WednesdayAllTheWay thank you so much

I have one child - a toddler. I’m pregnant again, and I’m having a termination. It’s not been a hard decision for me, my decision has been based on the fact I know how much it changes your life and for reasons you’ve stated, it doesn’t feel right now. I get that I have one child and you don’t and others are saying now is your only chance, but at the same time it may not be. Your making a practical decision but your muddled with your heart and the feelings of your OH which is totally understandable. Although having a child is hard, you can still do the things you did before and babies are adaptable, more than you would believe. However, I totally get the money side of things - it’s easy for men to say ‘find a job’ whilst pregnant but the reality is it’s not - especially in high profile careers. I wish it was, and it needs to change. You know you’d feel better when you had more security from your career and finances and would enjoy the experience more - this is not a bad thing to be feeling or thinking and it’s wrong people are making you feel that way. You know what’s right for you and your personal circumstances. Time isn’t on your side because of how far a long you are, but you could always ask to delay it by a week to sort things out. If your anxious about doing this because you want to get it over with, then I think in your head you know what you want to do. It’s really not easy, I honestly do feel for you. Inbox me if you like x

If I wanted a child in the future but was at risk of never conceiving again I wouldn’t even consider a termination, no matter how bad the timing was. It doesn’t sound like this would bother you though? I don’t think you should have a child just to keep your husband, but surely you should tell him the truth (that you just don’t want a child) and give him a chance to find someone who DOES?

You say the only reason to keep the baby would be to make your husband happy.

What about your happiness? Would that just be on hold for the next 18/20 years if really deep down you don't want the baby. It will be you doing 90% of the brunt although your DP would hopefully be a great dad.

Travelling around with baby; no I'm sorry its not as easy as just putting on a baby-sling and waltzing around Asia for most parents. How would you afford this anyway with the above mentioned job concerns.

I would recommend phoning some counseling helplines today. Good luck with whatever you decide

@ivfbeenbusy exactly, I'm 11 weeks and I had to wait 3 weeks for this appointment due to covid so it's pretty much now or never which is crap. The whole travel thing, I've just came back from the Maldives on Xmas eve so I'm not even worried about not travelling due to covid. I'm so torn and tbh i don't want to let me husband and family down due to their excitement whe.im not there at all

I found it relatively easy to travel with a baby
We went on as many holidays as we could before DS started preschool. I just totted it up and he'd been to eight countries over three continents before he turned two, including Ball and Thailand. Having a baby doesn't really have to hold you back.

I would have the baby, you can do everything you wanted with a baby, and it’s an amazing journey on its own. I don’t understand how the baby you lost was wanted but now you don’t want this one, a termination can be very emotionally damaging in itself, and the guilt can stay around for a long time. You’ve been through a lot of hurt and I’m sorry for that, I’d definitely wait before making the decision. I’m currently 13 weeks pregnant myself though, so maybe feeling more emotional about this.

What if op’s baby has complex medical needs and can’t be away from a hospital for any length of time? Or she has a baby with reflux that doesn’t settle for anything? Or op has a traumatic birth and takes a while to recover?

It’s not just as easy to say have a baby! You can travel all the time! There are many, many things to consider. And it’s up to op to weight these things up.

Personally, if I knew my partner was over the moon, especially as you've been told it'll be incredibly difficult for you to conceive, I couldn't terminate. I know it's your body but what if this was your one and only chance of having a baby?
Would your partner be ok with the thought that you both had a chance but didn't go with it? I wouldn't be ok with that.
Your life doesn't stop when you have a baby, it just changes. You adapt.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Lostinlife89

I am thinking of all the negative things about having a baby because tbh without sounding dramatic I feel like I'd be giving up everything right now, my freedom, body, mind, career that I've worked so hard to achieve. We planned on Bali, Thailand and more of America within the next 18 months (obv if covid let's us) another house and just to be happy and married together was my future plan. My husband says what's diff to having a baby now or in 2 years like I plan and it's the travel and life experience that would always be in the back of my mind as resentment if we had the baby. I'm seriously confused and running out of time

You've come here to get an opinion or perspective. Possibly from people who've been through this so know more.

Think worst case. You can't get pregnant again after this.

You can't have a child.

All the holidays and houses in the world won't make up for that, love, really. And if that really happens, how will you cope with your feelings, knowing you had a baby and chose Bali instead? And anyhow, having a baby seriously doesn't stop you also going to Bali or buying another house.

My opinion is that this is too big a risk to take. Way way way too big.

Don't risk it. Keep the baby that you have.

It's too much of a risk not to.

Nothing wrong with terminating, doing everything you want to do then having kids in 4 or 5 years with DH.

You are still young!

Reading your posts I feel you should have the baby. You know you want one at some point and imagine if you couldn't get pregnant in the future.
Also however supportive he seems I think there is a serious risk off your relationship not surviving if you terminate.

of not off

Wtf is with all these people who think you can’t travel with children?

If you did this before kids, you can do it after kids. Babies especially are super portable.

It’s those that never travelled who will continue to not travel after kids ...

If you want a child/children someday, plan to have the baby. You may well not have another chance. You know that.

Tell your DH he will have to take on a big chunk of any maternity/paternity leave if you can lock in a good job so you have a better chance of getting your own career back on track. If he won't agree to that, then reconsider having the baby.

Practically any mother will tell you "it'll be alright, you'll be fine, best thing in my life" because that's true for them and you can't regret having children. You are posting on MUMSnet!! Not all people on here are parents but I'd imagine most might be, there's bias.

Travel would still be possible but totally different and if you have the baby you will adapt to your new circumstances. That's if with Covid worldwide travel is possible to more interesting places in 2021. However, I can't help feeling from the tone of your posts that you love your life as it is and don't want kids enough. It's perfectly fine not to want kids, of course.

The added complication is your DH is keen (but as you say his life won't be disrupted in the same way) and you're now a long way along in your pregnancy with a health situation which means TTC is tricky. If it wasn't for that I'd say you're still young, plenty of time, enjoy your freedom. Keep procrastinating and the decision makes itself.

Can i ask @Lostinlife89 was the ectopic pregnancy planned.

If you terminate and this is your last chance of having a baby, would you be fine with that

This is my opinion.

Covid has stopped nearly all travel,we dont know when it will be back to the way it was [if ever].

You can always get another job.

I think in your shoes i would have the baby.You dont know whats around the corner.
Plus theres never a perfect time to have a baby

It’s rarely ever the right time for a baby. You sound very uncertain about the termination and if that’s the case, don’t do it. You can still lead the life you want with a child, travel, work etc, it just takes a little more organising.

Don't terminate your pregnancy for a temp job. You're 30 and have a very supportive partner. You asked for advice so here it is- I think you'd regret aborting your baby for the rest of your life. You might also regret having the baby, who knows. But at least your baby will be happy to be alive and your husband will be happy to be a father.

Go back to work after a month or two if you want to.

And I travel with my son all the time. It's harder but that's life. Kids require a bit of sacrifice but also bring joy

Wtf is with all these people who think you can’t travel with children?

Exactly. Not wanting to derail the thread too much but I know plenty people like a pp who couldn't consider travel or feel caged. These are the ones that implemented strict routines that their dc then struggle if they have to deviate from it. That created a child that can't stay up past 7pm without falling apart (then wonder why they are up at the crack of dawn). My dc came along and slotted in to my life. Neither were particularly easy babies either but travelling was never an issue. Once dd2 came when dd1 was 3 we moved back to the Uk and travelled less frequently (maybe twice a year rather than several times) although when dd2 was aged we ended up on 5 holidays in the space of as many months and that was as a single parent scrimping on a low income. Have nothing but fond memories of all of it. These days it's work that restricts the ability to travel more than my dc. Although once they start high school I'll be less keen to remove them for the odd week.

@diamondpony80

If I wanted a child in the future but was at risk of never conceiving again I wouldn’t even consider a termination, no matter how bad the timing was. It doesn’t sound like this would bother you though? I don’t think you should have a child just to keep your husband, but surely you should tell him the truth (that you just don’t want a child) and give him a chance to find someone who DOES?

^^ This. Also, just because you have a baby you don’t have to stay at home. There are mothers who work through pregnancy, give birth, pop the baby in childcare and go literally straight back to work.

Plus I’m some ways it’s an ideal time to have a child. You won’t be travelling anywhere for some time. At 30, you probably aren’t priority for a covid vaccine.

Obviously only you can decide OP. However in your shoes and what you've described on this thread I would go for it.
I was in your shoes. I have my dc. Me and dh still travel together and separately both of us have also taken dd away alone because we can. Prior to covid we often went to places like USA on a whim, booking flights two days before a trip and just going for it as once you have the visas it's pretty easy to do this.
I've taken dd on several of dh work trips as well as this. One dc is actually pretty easy to continue in an existing lifestyle.

Work wise if you have a good job it's just about paying for decent childcare.
All of the things you list are never really issues that will disappear for the rest of your childbearing age so I couldn't really see a reason on your list to say don't have this baby.

However as I said it's your choice OP. Only you will really know how you really do feel about the situation.