URGENT! Termination booked for tomorrow, am I doing the right thing

[Lostinlife89]

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Well it's your personal point of view but the op isn't asking if termination is morally OK. It's currently legal and safe (assuming in UK) so saying all termination is wrong doesn't address her current dilemma.

I don't understand why you've waited til 11 weeks

I don’t feel able to offer any useful advice. However I would have some concerns about this:
Husband says have baby then 6 weeks later find a new job
It suggests a failure to grasp the complexity and demands having a child often entails.

You might be fighting fit and champing at the bit to get back to work 6 weeks after giving birth; you might still be physically shattered; you might unexpectedly feel totally unready your return to work and leave your 6 week old for hours at a time. You can’t know any of this until the baby has arrived.
Your baby might be like my second with significant neonatal health issue and long term special needs, - that is unlikely but possible.

Before having a baby with him, I’d need to be sure that not only is it something I want for myself, but that I was 100% confident his enthusiasm wouldn’t wane at the prospect of huge childcare costs/ you deciding not to return to work for 9 months/ being asked to cut back on time spent running/cycling/ playing sport to give you a break/ not taking exotic holidays because your baby turns out to be a high needs crier ...
You may have a contented little pudding, no birth injuries and indeed be able to travel the globe, but I’d want to feel confident my marriage and happiness would survive trickier scenarios. Is he assuming it’s easy?

I feel for you and see that you think its not the right time for a baby yet .However all things considered ,it would not be certain you would be able to conceive easily in the future due to your history sadly .Babies rarely come to order, and in a couple of years it may still not be the right time! If your DH is supportive then it may be wise to think again .If DH badly wants a baby then it may cause problems for you in future .You can still travel (Covid willing obv) with a baby .Also when they are a little older maybe 3 or 4 maybe DP could babysit? Can you call an advice line?

If in doubt, wait. Allow yourself time to see if you're just panicking at the prospect.

We travelled all over with three children, all adults around your own age now, and had wonderful times, enhanced by sharing them with our children and seeing their responses.

I would say, only terminate if you truly don't want any children, ever, because that may well be the outcome. There is never a right or perfect time to conceive and have a child, so if that's what you're waiting for, perhaps you will wait forever.

I think that's the key question: do you want children at all, ever? If you do, the time is now, with this pregnancy. If you don't, it's time to be honest with yourself and your DH. No fudging.

You are clearly wealthy/financially stable and in a secure relationship. There's talk of a future buy to let and you went to the Maldives while redundant so you aren't hard up.

You know the reality - with a Ectopic (planned?) pregnancy behind you this might be your only chance ever to have a child.

For me I would 100% continue the pregnancy ESPECIALLY if I was thinking of having a child in the next 2 year's.

You say
But I do want kids in say 2 years time once I've achieved more things

BUT i dont think you do. You sound like you want a childfree lifestyle oriented future (which is fine ) but you need to be real with yourself and admit you dont want a child in 2 years (or possibly ever)

Don't try and make it about the timing of a temp job 🙄 ( you cannot even know that it will turn permanent when you haven't even started ) and you should also be straight and tell your husband you prob dont want kids.

The OP is asking for help and therefore opinions which are going to be based on personal experience and opinions! Whatever people say here is not really going to help , any decision will have consequences some will be more painful than others. I have women in my family who have had the abortions as it was legal and safe for them to do so , every single one of them still suffers, they are now well into old age.

I think it will be more painful to terminate than not. You will have to live with the what if's.

Your dh wants a baby, you don’t. Did you discuss having children and when, before you married him? If so, what did you both agree? I’m not saying you can’t change your mind (or that circumstances can’t lead to changes of mind), but it will be an indicator on whether you and your dh have a future together.

This could be your only chance of having a child of your own. How does that make you feel? If you are happy to terminate this pregnancy, knowing it might be your only chance of motherhood, go ahead with the abortion tomorrow. Do not have a baby just because your husband wants one. If you do, you will resent him and that will likely lead to the breakdown in your marriage. However if you go ahead with the termination and can’t become pregnant again, he will likely end up resenting you, with the same outcome of a breakdown in your marriage.

Be honest with each other and if your views are no longer compatible, rather than allowing a slow decline into resentment, split now to give you both the opportunity to find someone else who you are compatible with.

Hi op
I don't think I would abort at 11 weeks but obviously it's your body and your choice. Maybe ask for some counselling?

Nobody should have a baby because they think it's expected of them, or if it's what somebody else wants for them. Equally, if you were so determined you didn't want a baby you should have been more proactive in preventing pregnancy.

Have you already told your new employer you're pregnant? Not sure i understood that part of your post properly. Or are you just surmising there won't be a permanent post for you if you start this one when pregnant?

You can travel with babies though. Even school age dc. It's not the same as going anywhere just the 2 of you obviously but hugely enjoyable nonetheless.

I've had terminations in the past and never regretted them. Children are a massive responsibility. Not something to do just for the sake of it. You have to be ready. No harm in waiting a few years. Do not have a baby to appease your partner or anyone else for that matter! And do not let anyone make you feel guilty about doing what is best for YOU! If it was men carrying babies, they would do what they wanted to!

I think you need to be honest with yourself (and your dh) about whether you want a child. Ever.

If you do, then you should at least delay tomorrow's procedure and have a surgical termination later if that is what you decide. There is never a perfect time to have child. If you want a child, you are more likely to regret not having one, than having one when the timing isn't quite right.

If you think you don't ever want children, then go ahead and terminate. You and your dh will have to decide if your relationship can handle it. And use reliable contraception.

@Sparrowcrane I believe the OP should continue the pregnancy, but it is absolutely wrong to say the foetus is formed at 11/12 weeks. Absolutely false.

[quote Cokie3]@Sparrowcrane I believe the OP should continue the pregnancy, but it is absolutely wrong to say the foetus is formed at 11/12 weeks. Absolutely false.[/quote]
Really? Quick google on the NHS website www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/week-by-week/1-to-12/12-weeks/

It’s 100% you’re right to choose and you should make a decision based on what is right for your life rather than anyone else’s

However please be honest with yourself. Do you 100% want children ever?

2 years isn’t really anything and given your medical history, if it was me and I wanted children in the near future, I wouldn’t have a termination. However if I didn’t want children then it would be another decision

Given you’ve said that you want children in maybe 2 years (when I’m assuming you’re closer to 32), then if you would need to start trying again in about another 15 months-ish. That’s really not that long away and assumes that you won’t have any issues conceiving again

Yes IVF exists but it’s an extremely difficult process with no guarantees of success at the end of it.

I don’t think it’s fair on you to have a child for other peoples sake and resent it, but I do caution you about the potential risks if you do terminate now and can’t conceive later. The effect on your marriage and yourself could be huge if you regret it

@Sparrowcrane That information is completely and utterly false. The heart is not fully formed until much later on. The nervous system isn't formed until the third trimester. In fact, the foetus feels no pain as has no nerve receptors until the third trimester. At 11 weeks old, the foetus is little more than a recognisable foetal form.

I'm sorry but I think you would regret the termination. My personal experience is that it never leaves you, the regret is intense and enduring, despite my solid reasons for needing it done.

If you are considering a baby within 2 years that would mean getting pregnant in just over a year. What is the difference? This baby is with you now, I would continue.

I have travelled to many countries with my first two children and d. My youngest is 9 months and once Covid ends she will come along on our travels also.

Best of luck with your decision, it is a very difficult one to make.

Peer-reviewed medical journal studies show between 95-99% of those who terminate do not regret their decision, those tiny minority that do, it's normally because they couldn't have a child later on. Which could very well be case for the OP. I'm a member of many Pro-Choice groups and pages, but in this case, I think the OP many genuinely regret terminating.

[quote Cokie3]@Sparrowcrane That information is completely and utterly false. The heart is not fully formed until much later on. The nervous system isn't formed until the third trimester. In fact, the foetus feels no pain as has no nerve receptors until the third trimester. At 11 weeks old, the foetus is little more than a recognisable foetal form.[/quote]
Ok , the NHS is wrong and the information provided by doctors and scientists is also wrong?!? I tend to believe them though . Of course, a baby cannot survive at this stage if miscarried for example as the baby is not fully developed that's why pregnancy lasts around 40 weeks.

30 is a great age to have the baby. If I were you I'd keep the baby. I understand your concerns but I think they'd all fade into oblivion once you have a beautiful baby.

As to "a baby can be kept or terminated based on convenience and feeling factors. This is so wrong!"

Firstly, it's a foetus. Not a baby. Secondly, there is a reason that the UN states that Forced Pregnancy is a human rights violation. No woman needs a reason; convenience and feeling factors are all a woman needs. It is her body. She is not an incubator to be forced into Incubatorial Servitude/Incubatorial Slavery. When you suggest a woman should not have the right or agency, whether it's for convenience or health reasons, you are suggesting she has less rights than a corpse. Because even to remove organs for organ donation requires consent, either previously from the deceased, or from the family.

No woman should have to risk her health in pregnancy, and her life in childbirth (childbirth still kills women), and her 'convenience' is as legitimate a reason for her life, her body and her agency than any other reason.

If you are uncertain - do not terminate.
If your OH is against it - do not terminate - his child too. Your relationship will suffer.
If you want children one day - do not terminate.
If your fertility is compromised and you are not sure you will conceive again - do not terminate.

I have worked with people who have terminated pregnancies. None of it is as simple as it sounds. You cannot just weigh up all the jolly things you might do in the way of travel etc. against the presence of a child in your lives. It does not work like that. Reproduction is a basic instinct and you cannot dodge the emotional consequences for both of you; and the risk to your relationship.

@Sparrowcrane Most doctors and scientists are pro-choice and believe that a baby's life begins with sentience. And that, is not until the third trimester.

www.livescience.com/54774-fetal-pain-anesthesia.html

How do I add photos here?

@Cokie3

As to "a baby can be kept or terminated based on convenience and feeling factors. This is so wrong!"

Firstly, it's a foetus. Not a baby. Secondly, there is a reason that the UN states that Forced Pregnancy is a human rights violation. No woman needs a reason; convenience and feeling factors are all a woman needs. It is her body. She is not an incubator to be forced into Incubatorial Servitude/Incubatorial Slavery. When you suggest a woman should not have the right or agency, whether it's for convenience or health reasons, you are suggesting she has less rights than a corpse. Because even to remove organs for organ donation requires consent, either previously from the deceased, or from the family.

No woman should have to risk her health in pregnancy, and her life in childbirth (childbirth still kills women), and her 'convenience' is as legitimate a reason for her life, her body and her agency than any other reason.

That's too intense with everything thrown into the argument. At what point in time does a human life start to have any value then ?