URGENT! Termination booked for tomorrow, am I doing the right thing

[Lostinlife89]

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Regrading just the tube part of your OP - I lost one tube to an EP and was told that my chances of conceiving were only slightly reduced. I conceived DC1 the month after my ectopic and I was older than you are now and had other issues too.

You can still do all those things with a baby! My husband and I have heaps of trips booked next year and the baby is coming - it’s a bit more hassle, have to bring more stuff - but it’s doable! And the baby is free to take on flights when it’s really small!

You can still have a job/career too! I’m going back to work full time when baby is 6 months old!

You can still do this maternity cover job surely? Then start looking for a new job while on maternity leave?

You’d be looking for a new job at that stage whether you had a baby or not anyway

Was in the same situation as you: 30, happily married, surprise pregnancy. I also briefly comtemplated termination, because I was concerned about impact on my career, ability to travel, my freedom etc. Also I think because I am a planner, I like to plan things and this felt like something I hadn't had control over, so that's why my mind went initially to termination. Not sure if that makes sense or not.

I didn't get as far as booking the termination. It was something I thought about and then dismissed the idea. I had my beautiful son 8 months later. Becoming a mum was the best thing I've ever done, my beautiful boy is amazing.

My husband is a really supportive husband and father. Although it's not a 50:50 split of childcare, that's not because he shirks the responsibility, it's because I like being a mum too much to give him more responsibility, if that makes sense.

I returned to work after 14 months of maternity leave. 4 months after that I was promoted into a new role. So although I did put my career on hold for those 14 months or so, it did recover afterwards. Also having a supportive husband who's a hands-on dad enables me to put some focus on my career.

Regarding travel, Covid broke out when my son was 7 months old, so I've literally missed out on absolutely nothing. Regarding social life, ditto. Covid = very limited opportunity to go to restaurants, go out with friends etc.

Only you know your career situation, your employer, your husband, your life etc. In my case it worked out but that was down to my circumstances.

Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of love and happiness

@Lostinlife89 it's not black and white - having a baby doesn't mean you won't travel in the next couple of years, and see/do amazing things. I'm not sure why you're being so unequivocal that "everything I love will be taken away from me" - that's just not the case. You have an extremely negative view of what it's like to have a baby - where is this coming from?

Having said that, your job situation is tricky and I think your DH's suggestion that you look for a new job when the baby is six weeks is unrealistic. Can you live on DH's income if necessary?

Life WILL change when you have a baby, but much of it will stay the same too. And much of it will be even better - motherhood is an amazing experience. I would say, though, that even when a baby is what you want most in the world, it's still really hard at times, which might be even harder if you weren't 100% certain you wanted the baby to begin with.

In your shoes, I'd have the baby, but that might be clouded by the fact that it took many IVF cycles and a lot of heartbreak to have my DD.

I hope you reach a place where you're happy with your decision, @Lostinlife89 - and it IS your decision; you're the one who will carry the baby and give birth, and do a substantial amount of caring for the baby. It really is one for you to make and your DH should support you either way.

Heyahun

Sorry to be a kill joy but I have a 4 month old and the idea of taking him on a flight is quite daunting. All these grand plans you have very much depends on the kind of baby you have. If you have a colicky fussy baby you would have to think twice about all the travelling. Babies and children don't politely fit into your life, they have their own agenda. They may decide to scream bloody murder everytime you decide to get on that plane and that won't make you popular with the other passengers. Working with a baby is hard and childcare is expensive. OP is being reasonable to consider this and whilst I am sure she would make it work if she had the baby it would certainly be a challenge with no job or financial security.

@Sunshine3013

Nothing wrong with terminating, doing everything you want to do then having kids in 4 or 5 years with DH.

You are still young!

🤔 5 years she'll be 35 when it's scientifically accepted that fertility starts to decline - the IVF success rates support that and also why many NHS trusts have an age limit of 36 for IVF.

Already being one tube down and high risk for another ectopic I wouldn't risk it (I lost a tube age 32, lost the other one by age 36 - left totally infertile)

As for the "career" - no one ever had good employee on their headstone - there are more important things in life than a job

Op I remember being petrified with my first, I now have three and two are much older, I thought I couldn’t do any of those things you mentioned with a baby, but babies are not babies forever, they soon turn into children and young adults and you can do so much with them with regards to travelling and seeing the world etc, either as babies, children or young adults. Life isn’t black and white, so many in between options. Having said that it is your body and therefore your choice but don’t think you can’t still do those things with a baby or tow because you can.

They may decide to scream bloody murder everytime you decide to get on that plane and that won't make you popular with the other passengers

Who cares about popularity with strangers?

I am not a fan of the guy that has a bad case of BO or snores too loudly. Or the person who takes up too much space on the elbow rest or has fat spilling into my seat.

We endure it to pay economy prices. A screaming baby is no different.

But actually, I find fellow passengers quite tolerant of babies and flight attendants generally incredibly helpful.

And I took a lot of long-haul flights with babies before the COVID shutdowns

@HarleyQuinn33 fair point! But it is what it is - we will be going on the first trip we’ve booked (Covid depending) it’s a 10 hour flight! We are well prepared for the baby to scream for the whole flight - If that happens it will obviously be terrible - but it’s just one day out of your life! So it’s manageable and we will get over it!
Once at your destination we are aware the baby will have bad days and we are prepared to just have lazy days at our accommodation and relax - and other days we will be a bit more adventurous. I’m not expecting it to be plain sailing- but we’ve spent the last 10years travelling the world - so we are used to it - and are well aware taking a baby along is going to be much harder! But we won’t let it stop us.

We live on a different country to our families anyway - so baby will have to get used to regular air travel as we will be regularly popping home to visit family!

Sending hugs @Lostinlife89, sorry you are going through this and finding it so difficult. No-one can tell you the right decision for you. Feel free to ignore, but reading your messages it sounds like you have told wider family (not just DH) and your new employer about the pregnancy, and you had tried to get pregnant previously and then had investigations into whether you could become pregnant again. I understand this could have been your DH's doing, but it does read like you did want a baby and are now very anxious about it. If that is the case, I think I would keep the baby. If you do, you need to have an open conversation with your DH about how the childcare is going to work etc. He needs to pull his weight. Many women succeed in their careers with children, but a hands on DH makes a big difference to that.

[quote Lostinlife89]@tolerable thank you for asking how I am. Tbh I'm in a deep dark place. Due to start my new high profile (temp) job soon after redundancy and my head just isn't in the game. After we had the eptopic and had numerous tests to find out it would just be difficult to have kids I kind of came to terms with that, accepted it and planned my life. I love my life, we returned from the Maldives on Xmas eve and to think everything I love will be taken away from me, selfishly makes me sad. My husband is over the moon I'm pregnant but I just dnt feel the same or excited. He said I'd regret a termination but as cold hearted as it sounds I don't think I would. But I do want kids in say 2 years time once I've achieved more things. Silly I know. I'm just confused, sad and extremely anxious.[/quote]
Not a lot is going to change in two years for you if you don't keep the baby. You may have a job (done that) and travelled a bit more (done that)

But in 2 years time you will have a 1.5 year old who will change your world.

Jobs come and go, travel comes and goes.

Your choice is simple have a baby if you want one, or don't

Ultimately it comes down to do you want a baby at the moment? Without wishing to sound too negative, your marriage is unlikely to survive whatever decision you make. Think long and hard about the prospect of lone parenting because you are right in that all the drudge work and sacrifice is down to the mother.

You must do what is best for YOU

Sorry to be a kill joy but I have a 4 month old and the idea of taking him on a flight is quite daunting. All these grand plans you have very much depends on the kind of baby you have. If you have a colicky fussy baby you would have to think twice about all the travelling.

That's you though. Presumably you are happy to give up travelling for now as it seems too much effort. For me it wasn't and I was on a plane on my own with dd by 4 months totally undaunted. She'd flown 17 times by her 2nd birthday. She was fine despite being colicky. The plane actually settled her.

I was then on a plane with dd2 and a toddler alone by the the time refluxy, frequently poorly dd2 was 5 months and again at 10. It's not daunting for everyone.

You can always travel when your child is a teen, or even older.

At 30+ your chances are not good, and that is with both fallopian tubes! If your DH really wants children and you don't, then it's not fair to remain married to him, he would be better finding someone who wants children. You might think you have a strong relationship now, but the urge to have children is primal. He will resent you for this, and possibly have hatred towards you and he will never, ever, ever get over it if you both don't have children later. I know this from personal family experience. I believe completely in a woman's right to choose, but I also believe in honesty with spouses and loving them enough to let them go if what he wants is not what you want. It seems your husband desperately wants children. And if you don't, then you both need to seriously consider your marriage and whether you have the same goals. Time is too short, far too short, and with your age and one tube, it is highly probable you won't fall pregnant again, so let him go to find someone who he can have children with if you won't want to.

@IamHyouweegobshite

You don't say your age, your chances of falling pregnant have already been halved. Travelling at this moment in time is fairly non existent, or at least with restrictions. However, no one can make this decision but you, you are already doubting yourself. Your DH has voiced his concerns, could an abortion cause irreparable damage to your relationship? The job situ is neither here nor there. In your shoes I would have the baby, but I'm not in your shoes.

This is my view too .

Oh gosh op this sounds so difficult. I have had a termination before, but didn’t even contemplate keeping the baby and have never once had a single regret - only relief - but I was certain I wanted one, and had no doubts.

I don’t know if you tend to second-guess yourself, but the best advice I can give is do what you deep down WANT to do, and then tell yourself you won’t think about the alternative life even once. You need to make your husband and family promise they won’t mention any thoughts of that alternative life that they may have to you, either. As misery lies either way if you indulge in thinking about “what ifs”.

In a nutshell: do what YOU want to do and then make a promise you’ll never imagine the alternative after the decision had been made.

@midnightstar66

Wtf is with all these people who think you can’t travel with children?

Exactly. Not wanting to derail the thread too much but I know plenty people like a pp who couldn't consider travel or feel caged. These are the ones that implemented strict routines that their dc then struggle if they have to deviate from it. That created a child that can't stay up past 7pm without falling apart (then wonder why they are up at the crack of dawn). My dc came along and slotted in to my life. Neither were particularly easy babies either but travelling was never an issue. Once dd2 came when dd1 was 3 we moved back to the Uk and travelled less frequently (maybe twice a year rather than several times) although when dd2 was aged we ended up on 5 holidays in the space of as many months and that was as a single parent scrimping on a low income. Have nothing but fond memories of all of it. These days it's work that restricts the ability to travel more than my dc. Although once they start high school I'll be less keen to remove them for the odd week.

I’m one of those routine mothers! I was a nanny all the way through my pregnancy though and I think it helped produce a baby that was happy to be up early and bed early ( and a good sleeper).

And I found that perfect for travelling. He slept on the plane to South Africa at a year old and would nap in the afternoon all over Europe.

Having just the one meant I could outsource him to family too when I wanted a weekend away.

Just another experience here. I was unexpectedly pregnant at 30. Career minded and just had a promotion and started a new job. Married but wasn’t thinking about kids yet. Bad timing but just went with it. ( but am pro choice). Worked another 5 years and chose to have another child. Still had my career but changed on child 2 as my priorities slightly changed ( my choice). I was never maternal and certainly not for other kids, even my sisters, but I think for most people you feel this overwhelming love for your own. I have loved watching them grow to adults. They didn’t stop my hobby (had supportive partner or just took them along), or our holidays. What I really enjoy now is seeing them as young adults. Following their uni & career choices. They are great company. We have weekends away with and without them. Financially, yes they cost but I wouldn’t have it any other way and am grateful I had kids this way as I’m not sure when I would have said it’s the right time. Good luck with your choice.

Don't do it if you're not sure or you could have a lifetime of regret.

Only you can decide. I think the fact you’re unsure if it’s definitely the right thing would make me postpone. I’m not sure why you think you cannot do things such as buy your house or travel once you have a baby? You can! You can also still move to America with a baby if you choose to. And as for your career, why do you think you can’t have a baby & a career? Are you sure these are the real reasons why you’re thinking of termination? There will never be a right time to have a baby, permanent job or not - from what I’ve read it doesn’t seem like these are the reasons- if you don’t want it, then be honest with yourself and your husband. Good luck

Although everyone should have a choice to have a termination or not, I just can't get over how superficial your reasons for not having your baby actually are. You will be making this life-changing decision based on a temporary job offer and some vague possibility of travelling to a beach... and all that with fertility problems. Do you actually not want children while making your husband believe that you do? And if you don't want children yet please use some contraception.. you've already had 2 unwanted pregnancies..

You sound pretty egocentric, to be honest. That would need to change in some ways if you had a baby.

If you don't want it don't, have the termination.

I think in your shoes I'd keep it though - the chances of you being able to travel in the near future are very slim. Why not take this time to have a quiter couple of years (as you'll probably be forced to with Covid anyway)?

The chance of not being able to get pregnant in the future would sway it for me...how would you feel in 2 years time if you couldn't get pregnant?

I'm 7 weeks and 30y/o. Had great plans for loads of travel in 2020 which obviously haven't materialised. Husband and I managed 3 trips within the UK in the summer and still had a great time. We'll be happy with some smaller trips for the next few years.

I do feel that you are taking a massive risk with your chances of ever having children if you terminate this pregnancy. If you genuinely want to have children then I wouldn’t do this. The risk of having another ectopic is high and I have a dear friend who lost both her tubes and has never had a baby .
Travel is definitely not a guarantee in the foreseeable future and you will be looking for another job soon anyway.
If you genuinely do not want to have children then go for your appointment tomorrow.