URGENT! Termination booked for tomorrow, am I doing the right thing

[Lostinlife89]

Help

So difficult op, your posts very clearly sound like you don't want a baby.
The fact is all of the negative points are issues that are easily overcome, none of them should stand in the way of you having a baby, however as I said your post clearly show you don't want a baby and would only be doing it out of guilt and obligation to your husband, I'd be worried that you would end up resenting him if you choose to keep the baby.
I do think you need to consider if you give up this opportunity, there is a very high chance you won't ever have a baby, how does that make you feel?

When I have a tough decision to make I flip a coin, I know that sound flippant (pun not intended) but once the decision is made it always makes me realise if that is the right decision deep down. Maybe give that a try and see how you feel?

@Sunshine3013

Nothing wrong with terminating, doing everything you want to do then having kids in 4 or 5 years with DH.

You are still young!

Did you actually read her posts? It’s not that easy for this woman.

There's only one reason to have a baby, and that is that you really, really want to.

However, on these threads, it's often presented that you should only have a termination if no possible doubts exist about it at all. Having a baby is rarely held up to that standard, despite the life changing nature of parenthood.

My personal leaning is towards having a termination if you don't really, really want a baby.

Each to their own but I think if you go tomorrow and terminate then - given your gynaecological history and situation - it’s an implied decision that you don’t want to have children.

I’m not saying that to be spiteful and plenty of women don’t want children. That’s fine. But if there is any chance that you do then I would proceed with caution and take some more time to decided.

So many things that give us quality of life are built on sand; a good job, a happy relationship, holidays, money, a good home. None of those things are guaranteed.

If you value all those things more than becoming a parent than perhaps it isn’t for you.
All I would say is in the very darkest and the hardest times of my life - and lately there have very much been so - my children were an unending source of love and joy still to me. They were the only thing that lifted my spirits, gave me hope and a reason to carry on. My house, my car, my career if I had money in the bank ;all of that meant fuck all. They show me just by being alive what really matters. There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t look at them all asleep in the middle of the night and feel beyond blessed that I became a mother. It is the hardest but the most incredible thing I will ever do.

Children also give you the impetus to want to achieve and do things with your life beyond anyone or anything else. They are the equivalent of your face in the mirror looking back at you but a face you love and would do anything for.

Don’t rush into a decision you might never be faced with making again.

I don't travel with my kid if I can avoid. He's an only child, aged 10, but it's more hassle than it's worth a lot of the time. Everyone is different, some people cheerfully take toddlers off on exotic expeditions, good luck to them. It never worked for me and left me a frazzled mess. It's pointless trying guess how OP might find parenthood based upon our own subjective experience.

The OP really doesn't sound like she wants a baby right now.30 is still young in the grand scheme of things.

Ask yourself what's worse;

Having a termination and regretting it or having a baby and regretting it?

@Cleverpolly3

Each to their own but I think if you go tomorrow and terminate then - given your gynaecological history and situation - it’s an implied decision that you don’t want to have children.

I’m not saying that to be spiteful and plenty of women don’t want children. That’s fine. But if there is any chance that you do then I would proceed with caution and take some more time to decided.

So many things that give us quality of life are built on sand; a good job, a happy relationship, holidays, money, a good home. None of those things are guaranteed.

If you value all those things more than becoming a parent than perhaps it isn’t for you.
All I would say is in the very darkest and the hardest times of my life - and lately there have very much been so - my children were an unending source of love and joy still to me. They were the only thing that lifted my spirits, gave me hope and a reason to carry on. My house, my car, my career if I had money in the bank ;all of that meant fuck all. They show me just by being alive what really matters. There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t look at them all asleep in the middle of the night and feel beyond blessed that I became a mother. It is the hardest but the most incredible thing I will ever do.

Children also give you the impetus to want to achieve and do things with your life beyond anyone or anything else. They are the equivalent of your face in the mirror looking back at you but a face you love and would do anything for.

Don’t rush into a decision you might never be faced with making again.

I feel that this is emotional blackmail, anti abortion propaganda. You're basically saying that parenthood makes everything OK. Clearly and demonstrably, it doesn't.

And before anyone else says it;yes I did read the OP only has one Fallopian tube however "have this baby because you might not get pregnant again" isn't really fair.

If that happens there are other options eg IVF,adoption etc

please don't have a termination. you DO want a baby, just not right now. if you have this termination chances are you will not get pregnant again and i really think 10-20 years down the line when the chance to have kids is gone, you probably won't be thinking well atleast i went to Thailand. please atleast give yourself more time to think about it. all you can think of right now is the negatives but please take some time to think about the positives, you will love this baby so much and wouldn't be able to imagine life without him/her.

i agree with @Cleverpolly3 no matter how down im feeling or how bad thing get, genuinely the one thing that is guaranteed to lift my spirits is my son, every single time without fail. of course there are hard times but they are honestly so worth it.

Just to add as others have said, if travelling is the biggest concern to you, my DC have been all across Europe, America and New Zealand and have great adventures. I've worked full time throughout in a career I love. It is possible to combine it all. But ultimately only you can make that decision and having children is hard work, mentally and physically and you have to be prepared for the first few years being tiring, to say the least!

'please don't have a termination', to a lady you've never met?

I wish MN would actually ban these threads. I don't want to have an argument on a sensitive thread so I'll hide it now.

OP, good luck with your decision. Feel free to DM me if you'd like any more of my chat. I do love babies too but I personally believe that motherhood is mis sold and that for many women, it's absolutely fine to have none, delay having any, or just have one.

You need to think about whether you want a baby at all.
You have become pregnant twice now and it might not happen again.
You are making excuses with work/travel. Women can have successful careers after they have children, you just use childcare, have husband/partner at home or work shifts around each other.
People travel all the time with children, I have friends who are travel bloggers who took a six week old to Cambodia and spent the rest of his first year traveling Cambodia, Thailand and other parts of the far East.

Do you have form for getting "cold feet" when you have made big decisions before? Maybe you are just nervous at the prospect of a big change now that it's real?

Excuses wtf am I reading? Sorry I know I said I would hide but honestly I do despair. She doesn't want to have the baby, she's said so repeatedly. She would be doing it to please her partner. Termination is safe and legal, why on earth would anyone need an 'excuse'?

I would have the baby. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive partner and one baby will not damage your career or stop you travelling. Being a mother is wonderful.

@MorrisZapp

I have myself had a termination when I didn’t want a baby, so wind your presumptuous neck in.

Actually , yes I am saying that to some degree being a parent does make many things alright, in the sense it puts so much ephemeral overly aspirational aspects of life that could be taken away tomorrow in their rightful context and also because have to keep going and dealing with things you can’t put your head in the sand. You would never say “it could be worse” in relation to something happening to a child but you could to not being able to go on holiday, have a brand new car, move to that bigger house in a nicer area, get that promotion.

I am not attempting emotional blackmail I wrote of my lived experience.

The OP just needs to be sure.

@MorrisZapp

Excuses wtf am I reading? Sorry I know I said I would hide but honestly I do despair. She doesn't want to have the baby, she's said so repeatedly. She would be doing it to please her partner. Termination is safe and legal, why on earth would anyone need an 'excuse'?

The OP is the one looking for reasons to have a termination when she doesn’t need to.

Always a woman’s right to chose but clearly her previous medical issues are rightfully lurking at the back of her mind because this might be the only time she ever has this dilemma.

I sense she was seeking others viewpoints and to do some sense making. You are choosing to politicise this discussion when others such as myself are trying to share more useful insights and not standing on a soapbox.

@MorrisZapp

'please don't have a termination', to a lady you've never met?

I wish MN would actually ban these threads. I don't want to have an argument on a sensitive thread so I'll hide it now.

OP, good luck with your decision. Feel free to DM me if you'd like any more of my chat. I do love babies too but I personally believe that motherhood is mis sold and that for many women, it's absolutely fine to have none, delay having any, or just have one.

You see, I personally don't really "love babies". But I love MY babies more than myself. And there really is no reason to "ban" people or threads that celebrate parenthood ona site that's for parents

Why does she need to be 'sure' about a termination but it's OK to be conflicted and unsure about having a baby because babies are lovely so it'll all be ok? That's essentially the case being made.

I've had a termination and I've had a baby. Only one of those choices broke my mental health to the point that I'm still medicated ten years later. OP might sail through it all and gain nothing but fulfillment from motherhood, loads of women find this. Or she might not. How can we possibly know?

If you want children in two years time I wouldn’t terminate personally.

All the reasons you stated will be there in the future 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP you mentioned disappointing your DH and family. Take the family out of this equation. Obviously I don’t know your family, they may be fantastic and supportive, or not, either way this is your decision and affects you and your DH.

As others have said, you can travel and work if you go ahead with this pregnancy, if you want to. I hope you make the right decision for you.

@MorrisZapp

Why does she need to be 'sure' about a termination but it's OK to be conflicted and unsure about having a baby because babies are lovely so it'll all be ok? That's essentially the case being made.

I've had a termination and I've had a baby. Only one of those choices broke my mental health to the point that I'm still medicated ten years later. OP might sail through it all and gain nothing but fulfillment from motherhood, loads of women find this. Or she might not. How can we possibly know?

Nobody is saying it’s easy. You are patronising and misinterpreting people who’ve shared loving and positive associations of motherhood . I’m a single mother to three kids under 7 it is hard work. But they are still the best things that ever happened to me. What’s so hard about that to understand and who are you to censor it?

I don’t think the OP is certain. If she was why is she asking these questions here?

It’s absolutely fine to be certain about having a termination
Nobody is saying otherwise. They are re saying if you have doubts it’s critical to explore those .

noone is saying you cant travel once you have a baby but whats the point in sugarcoating the fact 90% its a massive PITA travelling with them?

if OP is used to travelling to far flung places with DP on a whim to stay in nice adult orientated resorts that WILL change and anyone who says otherwise is deluded

My toddler was such a pain in the arse I gave up going to the supermarket and just had toast if fresh supplies had run out and DP wasn't here to let me dash out. I know parents at the opposite end of the scale so I'm not saying I'm typical. But it's a huge scale, and many people are not on the 'strap 'em in and carry on' end of it.

I'm probably going to be stoned for saying this but a baby is not a puppy. This is human life we are talking about, the baby is already formed being nearly 12 weeks old. I don't want to preach to anyone, but so many people seem to be of an opinion that a baby can be kept or terminated based on convenience and feeling factors. This is so wrong!