He’s had a vasectomy and I’m pregnant

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I’ve been seeing someone for about 6 months, thought all was going really, really well. We’re both divorced, 2 dc each and neither of us want more. He had a vasectomy after his youngest was born 8 years ago (he’s definitely not lying about this due to a funny anecdote that all his mates love to remind him about).

I’ve been feeling really under the weather for the last few weeks. Did a CV test, all fine. It was only at the supermarket this morning that I suddenly thought maybe I’m pregnant and grabbed a test just to put my mind at ease. I’ve always had irregular periods, not had one since September but that’s nothing unusual.

Just did the test and I’m pregnant. I could fucking scream. I’ve just had the worst year of my entire life, meeting this man is the only good thing that’s happened to me in years.

I know what I’ve got to do. I just don’t want to do it and wanted to vent somewhere.

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

I definitely don’t want more kids and neither does he. But I definitely didn’t want to be pregnant either and never considered it a possibility that I’d be in this position as I thought we were being so careful . It also took an age for exdh and I to conceive both our dc, I have irregular periods, I have a large chunk of my cervix missing and my partner has had a fucking vasectomy. It’s such a mess.

It's a difficult position to be in when last week you thought you were adamant on what you wanted.

If you don't want a baby or to be pregnant then the only other option is for you to terminate this pregnancy.

Based on your last period you're either upto 12 weeks pregnant and you've had no symptoms or you're much earlier on. You'll only know by having a scan.

Fwiw I found out I was pregnant at 20weeks with my first DC. I had no symptoms other than some tiredness that I put down to work stress. It happens more often than you might think.

I know it's hard but you need to clear your head and start thinking practically so that you can make some decisions. Get yourself booked in for a private scan this week. You need to know how far along you are. Speak to your midwife and tell them you're concerned you are 12wk and need a scan. Once you know it will give you the foundations for whatever decision you want to make.

Personally if I was in your position I would be finding out how far along I was before telling OH, esp as it's such an unplanned pregnancy on both sides. X

Lots of good advice, and the bits about it being totally in your control are spot on

Whatever you decide, I’d say your partner should know. Not so he can “have his say” as, quite rightly, it’s your final decision. More that I think being kept in the dark about something like that isn’t right. He should be supportive, but I think he needs to know. Even if that’s being told what you’ve decided

Unfortunately it does happen, a friend had a surprise baby 5 years after her dh's vasectomy. I think you need to talk with him and honestly think about what you want, nobody will judge you whatever you decide and where there's a will there's a way.

It's my worst nightmare scenario, I had a scare (I'm a lot older than you) so I understand completely where you are coming from. (I have a iud which stops periods so no monthly reassurance even). Best wishes whatever you decide, put yourself first, what do you want?

OP, I really feel for you this much be such a shock and so hard to process.

The only thing you can do is what's right for you right now (I know that's very easy to say, less easy for the person making the decision). On a practical note perhaps it would be useful to find out how far along you are so you know all of your options before making a decision.

Take care of yourself

how long will you have with him on Saturday? There may be a benefit to telling him before you see him, so when you do see each other face to face the shock has worn off. Then hopefully you can have a proper conversation.

This could make or break your relationship and that is a consideration, as well as the other children of the relationship. Whichever decision you make it could go either way.

You need to think about what you want first and foremost, but if you are not sure or undecided, maybe take his opinion into account.. he is the father. You seem happy with him as a partner so i would imagine you have some respect for his thoughts?

Good luck OP

I also agree that your partner needs to know that his vasectomy is no longer effective and to have the opportunity to be a support for you, whatever you decide.

I’ve spoken to BPAS and am having a phone consultation on Thursday. I think I’ll tell partner after that. I don’t want to do this. I can’t look after a baby again, particularly on my own. Also on an incredibly selfish level I really like my partner and there’s no way our relationship would survive this.

Hopefully he’ll have got his head round it enough for when I see him on Saturday, if he still wants to see me that is.

Op I'd prepare yourself for him questioning paternity and to not take it personally. Of someone told you you'd accidentally done something you considered physically impossible you'd doubt them too.
I hope he's supportive though and you get through this
It's completely acceptable to not want an unplanned pregnancy that's high risk in many different ways to continue. No one decent will judge you for that

I’m sure he’ll have his doubts. Obviously he’ll need to go and get it checked so once he finds that it has stopped working he’ll at least believe me then, even if he doesn’t straight away.

Do what is best for you OP

@OverThinkingUnderDoing you sound incredibly sensible, I hope your DP is supportive, do you have any idea how many weeks you?

Thank you, I’m a mess in real life though! I don’t know how many weeks I am - the absolute most it could be would be 10 weeks but I really don’t think it is. I’ve been feeling unwell for about a week, with both my previous pregnancies I felt like this pretty much from the day of implantation so I’m really hoping it’s only a few weeks.

When I spoke to BPAS earlier they said they can discuss a dating scan and do whatever procedure appropriate on the same day, unless I’m more than 12 weeks. I just need to have a proper phone consultation with them on Thursday first.

This is really unfortunate that this has happened. The thing that is standing out to me is that you are taking this all on your own shoulders and not involving him. I get you want to say it to his face but this is an extremely stressful time for you and you should not have to be going through this alone. He is responsible too. He has obviously not been having his checks and for him to not do this is irresponsible, he needs to face up to these concequences (sp). Good luck with what you decide, I do hope that things work out the way you want.

He has obviously not been having his checks

@Lipz that is rubbish, my DH has had a vasectomy 8 years ago, you get checks immediately afterwards maybe until 3 months, and then assuming it is clear of sperm no further checks...

OK this might sound odd but any chance you can get hold a microscope and demonstrate via that that there are active swimmers?
Was actually discussing looking at sperm through a microscope with my bf last night. Inspired by a scene from Outlander.
Anyway good luck with it all and had a recent experience with BPAS, they were very helpful.

rhapsodyandashe wow I didn’t know you could actually see sperm with a microscope! I thought you needed a super duper one or something. I’m chuckling to myself imaging how that conversation would go ‘sorry, it turns out I’m pregnant even though you’ve had a vasectomy and I’ve got half a cervix. If you’ve got any questions please feel free to wank onto this microscope’.

Off to google how much microscopes cost now.

@Fortheloveofgodwhy

He has obviously not been having his checks

@Lipz that is rubbish, my DH has had a vasectomy 8 years ago, you get checks immediately afterwards maybe until 3 months, and then assuming it is clear of sperm no further checks...

It's not necessarily rubbish. If he didn't have all his checks which I believe to be 20 ejaculations, then he wouldn't know if it worked, it could be possible that it didn't work but he was lucky not to get his ex pregnant or if he used contraception.

lipz he told me he’d had a negative test a couple of months after his op so it must have been successful for a time at least.

My DH had a vasectomy last year and he had to send two samples, the second one being 3/4 months after the procedure. I think where the 20 ejaculations comes into it is they need to ejaculate at least that many times before sending the sample.

I can’t stop crying. This is such a bloody mess and I just want my mum.

@OverThinkingUnderDoing it will all be ok. Trust me, I’m an old gimmer who’s been through the wringer and things just work themselves out no matter how bad they seem. Eventually.

It's hormones and being in a situation that must have completely blindsided you.
This week is going to be a long one but there is usually someone around on here to offer some words of comfort.
Hope you manage to get a good night's sleep, but it's totally understandable if it doesn't happen.
Have you got milk and honey in, making a hot warming comforting drink would be the kind of thing that your mum would have done, also might help if you are finding sleeping hard, which would be a normal reaction to your situation.
Thinking of you.

@OverThinkingUnderDoing I'm sorry you're feeling emotional tonight, we're all here for you, it's a difficult time but this time next week things will seem a lot clearer.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you x

Yes, taking some time to allow it to sink in might make things clearer for you.