He’s had a vasectomy and I’m pregnant

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

I’ve been seeing someone for about 6 months, thought all was going really, really well. We’re both divorced, 2 dc each and neither of us want more. He had a vasectomy after his youngest was born 8 years ago (he’s definitely not lying about this due to a funny anecdote that all his mates love to remind him about).

I’ve been feeling really under the weather for the last few weeks. Did a CV test, all fine. It was only at the supermarket this morning that I suddenly thought maybe I’m pregnant and grabbed a test just to put my mind at ease. I’ve always had irregular periods, not had one since September but that’s nothing unusual.

Just did the test and I’m pregnant. I could fucking scream. I’ve just had the worst year of my entire life, meeting this man is the only good thing that’s happened to me in years.

I know what I’ve got to do. I just don’t want to do it and wanted to vent somewhere.

Surely though at some point the conversation has to come up that he thinks he is firing blanks but he is using live ammo? Yes the relationship might not survive but in that case he might get someone else pregnant. How else will OP explain needing contraception again too? These days you can get prenatal paternity tests, if you decide to keep the baby I would suggest to him that you take that, say you know that 100% the baby is his but you don't want him to need to worry about it during the pregnancy. Hope it all works out ok.

I think you need time to process and decide what you want here. You need to assume no/messy involvement from him. What would the impact be on your DC? Your life plan? Do you want to start again? I think you need to know your decision before you tell him. He's going to be all over the place with his own emotions.

@AnyFucker

A "nurse ran out screaming" sounds very unlikely

That is either a very embellished anecdote or someone is telling porkies

I agree with this.

I read your version of The Anecdote, OP, and thought the whole thing sounded utterly ludicrous and juvenile.

I think I'd want evidence that he went through with that vasectomy, tbh. A friend of mine was online dating and said virtually every man she met claimed to have had one, in the hope they wouldn't have to wear a condom.

I mean...my husband had a vasectomy and he also has a 'funny anecdote' where there was the male doc and three or 4 female nurses and someone made a 'I bet you've never had so many women see your bits' joke. Every laughed. No doubt there was some embellishment going on, mostly there is when relaying stories to others - possibly more when you're naked and vulnerable. He defo had it done as I was also there although in the next room!

Unless him and his wife split almost immediately after he got the all clear then I think it's unlikely he lied about it. He'd have to be some kind of sociopath to do that, and OP seems to like him. Presumably he seems normal.

I think you have to tell him, if only because he needs to know his vasectomy hasn’t worked. He could unwittingly get you (or future partners) pregnant again, even if you didn’t keep this baby.

oh OP I'm sorry you're in this situation. Sadly vasectomy's can reverse it happened to my parent's as well after me they didn't want anymore children so my dad had the snip and years later my mum fell pregnant. Hopefully your OH will be supportive although I would imagine he'll be very shocked. I wouldn't make a decision right away until you've thought it through and worked out how you feel. Whether or not you tell him is entirely your decision. If you do decide to tell him I'd suggest you try to be as calm as possible (easier said than done I know) and maybe have a close friend ready who can come over to give you some support if he does react badly.

You have your own DC and your own health and those needs come before anything else. If being pregnant will be tricky for you after the cervical cancer then take a good time to make the decision on your own before telling him.

I think it’s worth you paying for an early scan to see what kind of gestation you are as this will affect options should you go down the termination route ands it better to have more options available earlier. Sorry your in this position.

Vasectomies can reverse spontaneously. My friend has a week old vasectomy baby. Her DH had the snip six years ago, tests afterwards all came back clear. Good luck op.

(((HUG)))

I think you need to make your own mind up before you discuss it with him, because what he wants/thinks us irrelevant really. As you'll be aborting or carrying the baby and you'll be the one dealing with the consequences-either way.

Given you can afford to have the baby, personally, I would. But I'm not you, & only you can decide.

Either way, I'd tell him the next time I saw him, in person, as soon as I'd decided.

Life has a way of throwing a spanner in the works!! How he handles it when you tell him will be eye opening as well.

Though best he's sitting down. When you tell him!!

Apologies. From your first post I thought that was your plan.

So hard given the fact you both didn't want more, early relationship and distance. I hope he is supportive and having a good talk this weekend helps you feel more centred and clear

Thanks jamieleecurtains, that’s really helpful 🙄

I read your version of The Anecdote, OP, and thought the whole thing sounded utterly ludicrous and juvenile
Your point being what? That grown men aren't utterly juvenile when it comes to a funny story about their mates dick? It seems unlikely he's set this story up just so he can have unprotected sex with women and get them pregnant

Just in case anyone is wondering, he has definitely had a vasectomy. I was willing to use another form of contraception and I was the one who wanted to stop using condoms as they give me thrush. I apologise if the anecdote isn’t up to standard but that’s not really what’s bothering me right now.

Ignore the people going on about the vasectomy and whether it was real. Missing the point spectacularly.
Is there any local baby scanning centres you could pay for? Or could you ask for an EPU scan as the dating of your pregnancy could influence the decision you come to?
It must be a total head fuck so please be gentle with yourself and let all the emotions flow as they’re all valid and none are “wrong”. Then trust your instinct and your gut as I believe you will know what’s best for you moving forward.

DH had a vasectomy and definitely one of the risks of the procedure is that it fails and pregnancy can result so that is not completely out of the question. DH also has his own vasectomy anecdote. The doctor didn’t use any anaesthesia as he reckons outcomes are better without so DH likens it to back street abortions back in the day and his mates too recount the story so definitely the vasectomy is all adding up for me.

I think really you need to figure out what you want. Do you want to continue the pregnancy? Might it be too big of a risk after the health challenges you’ve faced? Are you willing to go it alone if your DP is not up for it? Decide based on that.

Separately there is going to be a possibility of him questioning your fidelity. Look at what has happened on this thread, people have expressed doubts on him getting at him getting a vasectomy so know that is possible and how you might respond and feel.

There is a lot to take in OP. Mind yourself

Didn't use anaesthesia?? My husband would have run out the door and not come back at that suggestion. Your husband must be made of thought stuff!!

OP sorry about your situation. Unfortunately I agree you will need to tell your partner in these circumstances even if you decide to terminate because he does need to know he is fertile.

Good luck, I appreciate what an awkward conversation it will be

I can’t believe most of the responses are about whether the vasectomy is real ffs.

OP, your head must be spinning. IMO the only relevant question is do you feel like you want to have a baby, another child, or not? It’s not just about whether you could manage it financially or whether your area is good for kids - do you actually want one?

I agree you should try to work out what you want before you tell him, once you tell him you’ll inevitably be influenced by what he says and at the end of the day it’s your choice so good to know what that is before he reacts. I’m assuming he definitely didn’t want more kids though!

@Skipsurvey

hopefully it will prove to be negative op and a cheap faulty test

ALmost impossible t get a false positive though

I definitely don’t want more kids and neither does he. But I definitely didn’t want to be pregnant either and never considered it a possibility that I’d be in this position as I thought we were being so careful . It also took an age for exdh and I to conceive both our dc, I have irregular periods, I have a large chunk of my cervix missing and my partner has had a fucking vasectomy. It’s such a mess.

I did another 2 tests yesterday evening and they both confirmed I was pregnant.

I definitely don’t want more kids and neither does he. But I definitely didn’t want to be pregnant either

The answer sounds pretty clear to me then . You don’t need to feel guilted into having a baby you don’t want, just because something entirely unlikely and unexpected happened to you.

Op if you don't want a baby, and he doesn't want a baby, do you have any objections to an abortion? Because that's the obvious answer but not sure if it's that you don't agree with them or is a bit it's happened now so we should do it thing.

I think either way you need to tell him