Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

18 weeks pregnant - need abortion

223 replies

Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 18:36

I am 28 years old. I was a single mum to my now 9 year old son. I went back to study and have graduated last year with my degree. I started a job 3 months ago and found out I was pregnant. I won't get maternity. Only maternity allowance. My partner is unemployed, can't read or write, has no work experience and lacks motivation to find work. I have given him opportunity after opportunity to get a job and help out. He lives in my house, drives my car, uses my money and now it's got to the position of my payday being 2 weeks away and I've just run out of gas and there is one run of tomato soup in the house and no money. I'm considering an abortion. In fact. I have one booked. I've worked so hard for my degree and my job as a single mum and now I've got this new man dragging my life down. I earn decent wages. But not enough to support a grown man as well. I don't want to be a single mum to two children with no money or help and thrown my career away for a man who may be going to prison. I'm 18 weeks pregnant today. Please advise

OP posts:
BabyMum1 · 02/08/2015 10:49

Cookies no I don't , I feel bad for u, I don't mean to make u feel worse, it's already bad as is
Pls read previous post, I'm sure u r a fab mum doing a great job. Don't let someone like ur bf drag u down.. Chin up and learn something out of it whatever u decide to do x

pinktrufflechoc · 02/08/2015 10:50

I don't mean to make you feel worse

If you mean that, stop posting.

SueBigFatSue · 02/08/2015 10:51

Hysterical, much Hmm

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 02/08/2015 10:51

Yes, take your judgement elsewhere Babymum

twofingerstoGideon · 02/08/2015 10:59

BabyMum - why don't you take your txtspk and agenda elsewhere?

MoseShrute · 02/08/2015 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyMum1 · 02/08/2015 11:05

Yes good luck to u Cookies
I don't remember saying if I have ur mum nearby. Have a chat with her if u do, talk to someone really close to u, it ll make u feel better

CarShare · 02/08/2015 11:06

Like many women, I've had friends who have decided to terminate pregnancies after careful consideration and have never regretted it. No one on Mumsnet has the right to hold you to account and I'm shocked by the self-righteousness of some women on here- but I feel more sorry for them than I do for you. Once you have resolved this difficult situation one way or the other, you will be able to move forwards with your life. The women who need to take others down emotionally have far bigger problems which may never be addressed

GoooRooo · 02/08/2015 11:12

This thread has played on my mind over night.

I've deliberately re-read the original post very carefully and it's difficult to tell what you want from the answers here OP. Did you want other people to tell you their experiences of a late abortion and what the consequences or not were? Or were you looking for people's opinions on whether it is a good idea and what they would do in your shoes? Or for ideas on how you might manage if you decide to keep the baby? It's not that clear and as a result you've had a mixture of those responses on here, including mine.

As I said earlier for me an abortion would not be an option. But there are many, many more people on this thread for whom it clearly would be an option so you've seen a range of how that decision might be made if other people were to make it for themselves. There are also many more who have not said what they personally would do either way but respect your choice to choose etc.

By posting at all about it it suggests it's a decision that, understandably, you are struggling with. If you haven't already, it may be worth reading the other threads in the pregnancy choices section where there are plenty of women who have had abortions and never regretted them, and sadly some women who have had them and then struggled to cope with that decision afterwards. In the end, only you can decide and I hope by reading other people's experiences it helps you to find a way forward and make the right decision for you.

dollius · 02/08/2015 11:13

FFS DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER.

sorry to shout, but you will not get another training contract unless there is a miracle.

In your shoes I would take the abortion and tell people you miscarried. You have worked so hard and come so far, don't give it up now.

But, seriously, get rid of the parasite that is your partner.

Roonerspism · 02/08/2015 11:19

Could you consider adoption? You are nearly half way through and your baby would be so wanted by a couple who could not have kids.

I think a late abortion would be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.b

milkmilklemonade12 · 02/08/2015 11:20

Oh OP what a difficult situation Flowers

I had a termination at 7 weeks at the beginning of the year. I have a happy home and lovely family already existing. But I didn't want it. I was on contraception which failed (and I used to be Hmm about people that happened to; that put paid to my pig headed judgment!) and I couldn't see a way forward for me with another DC. My motives were quite financial if I'm honest; self employed so I would have got zero benefits, heaped financial pressure on DH and halved our income overnight. Where I think where I could be now, I shudder. It wasn't right for me and I'm a strong person in lots of other respects. BUT I know my limits and having another DC was beyond them.

That's my experience for what it's worth, which I know bears few similarities to yours. I was on a ward with a young lady who was 14 weeks pregnant and had been on a gap year in Australia at the time; she couldn't physically get back before then. She told me she felt like she could start her life again because it had been paused for 2 months. I think of her often.

Do what you have to do. It is what it is my love. Not your fault. Maybe in another life, that's what I tell myself.

pinktrufflechoc · 02/08/2015 11:21

Adoption has been covered earlier in the thread.

differentnameforthis · 02/08/2015 14:13

Erm...excuse me... Those who don't agree with terminations, those who wouldn't have one, those who are anti choice & trying to make the op feel bad, kindly fuck off.

Myself & several other MNers fought long & hard to get this section for those who needed HELP & SUPPORT. NOTE, help & support, not lecturing or to be told that it is wrong, or any other anti choice crap that you want to make op feel guilty with.

This is a little hint This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas just up there, at the top of the page... if you can't stick to that, your opinion isn't needed here.

Don't like terminations, don't have one. But don't dare come on to a thread where a vulnerable woman is asking for help to further your agenda! If you want to debate terminations, we can do that, in the appropriate place. WHICH ISN'T HERE.

If you cannot support the op without judging, lecturing, goading, guilt tripping, she doesn't need you here.

findingherfeet · 02/08/2015 14:20

I can understand why you want an abortion, it will be very hard to resume your career if you keep the baby. But you know that, you sound like a sensible person who will cope with the outcome whatever you choose. Be lead by your heart. Good luck.

Needaninsight · 02/08/2015 14:22

Get rid of the man. Not the baby.

You'll get MA, yes, but you'd also get child tax credits, child benefit and income support if you have to stop working. Or if you're paying nursery for the baby, you'll get most of that paid anyway.

I'm unsure how you can let this progress to nearly 5months gone. Surely your situation wasn't much different when you found out? Why did you not terminate then?

Yes, this thread isn't for people to push agendas, but those people just saying, oh get an abortion - dear god, this isn't a foetus at 18 weeks, this is a LIVE BABY.

I miscarried at 18 weeks, so I may be a tad delicate about this. It is definitely a baby.

And aborting a baby at 18 weeks is not the same as having an abortion at 8 weeks.

pinktrufflechoc · 02/08/2015 14:24

She's explained ALL that in the thread.

SilverNightFairy · 02/08/2015 14:43

Cookies, so sorry you are going through this. Please make the decision that best fits your life. You know what your needs are. I worked as an assistant at a reproductive health care clinic that provided abortion services in the U.S. I was in the surgical suite with many patients having abortions at 17 weeks and over. Legal surgical abortion is a very low risk surgery. I'm certain whatever surgery you choose will speak to you about your anesthesia choices. Risks and complication well be carefully reviewed.

I worked in repro health care for many many years. The range of emotional feelings after elective termination varied but generally we saw a sense of relief that the experience was over. Women returning for their post op check op stated that experienced feelings of happiness, sadness, guilt, grief and some said they really felt nothing at all.

I wish you the best of luck. Do exactly as you need to. Xx

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 02/08/2015 15:26

Needaninsight I suggest you read differentnameforthis's post bin trying to be kind to you, since you've suffered a loss, but YOUR miscarriage is not comparable to the OP's CHOICE. And an 18 week foetus is an 18 week foetus.

whydoicare · 02/08/2015 15:37

This is NOT a live baby. A live baby is one that is born and is alive. I'm sorry for your loss - I've also had a miscarriage so I understand the loss. But your choice and the OP' s choice are different things. You are doing her a huge disservice by projecting your loss onto her.
As a pp said, it's fine to disagree with the law and to debate where the threshold for terminations should lie - but that place isn't here. The OP has a legal right to a termination and doesn't need to explain how she reached 18 weeks although she very graciously has done so.

cruikshank · 02/08/2015 15:46

OP, I agree with a pp who said that it sounds like you have made your decision. And if you have made your decision, then that is the right decision for you. The rest of it - what would your family think, what would your friends think etc - is peripheral stuff compared to the crucial fact that you have agency over your own body and the right to decide. Your family isn't pregnant, your friends aren't the ones who will be trying to juggle childcare, work and family life, especially in a career that requires long hours and a substantial degree of commitment. It's fine to think up strategies of how to deal with comments or questions - that shows forward thinking and again is about taking control of the situation. But such considerations should never enter into the question of the choice itself.

Don't let yourself be caught up in the notion that as a woman your body is public property. It isn't. By all means research your choices - definitely speak to the SRA and find out what the true position is. Look at www.entitledto.co.uk for a true picture of tax credits etc (and please ignore anyone who tells you that on £35k you will be getting most of your childcare paid for because it simply isn't true). But bear in mind that even if (and it's a big if) there is a way of making it work somehow, even that doesn't mean that you have to go through with the pregnancy. Just because something is possible doesn't mean it has to happen, or that you have no right to make a decision that is right for you.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 02/08/2015 15:59

I agree with cruikshank!

Iggi999 · 02/08/2015 16:09

Differentname - it doesn't apply to later posters obviously, but just pointing out that the OP did not start the thread in this section (I think it was in relationships?) but it was moved by mumsnethq.

Shakey1500 · 02/08/2015 16:20

All the best for whatever you decide Thanks

FWIW I think you should terminate, get rid of the BF and tell work/colleagues whatever you like.

TheLastPickleInTheJar · 02/08/2015 19:43

differentnameforthis great post.

This is not a wwyd. It's not an aibu. The op doesn't want personal opinions. We're not talking about a LIVE baby Hmm We are, however, talking about a LIVE woman. She's the important one here.