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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

18 weeks pregnant - need abortion

223 replies

Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 18:36

I am 28 years old. I was a single mum to my now 9 year old son. I went back to study and have graduated last year with my degree. I started a job 3 months ago and found out I was pregnant. I won't get maternity. Only maternity allowance. My partner is unemployed, can't read or write, has no work experience and lacks motivation to find work. I have given him opportunity after opportunity to get a job and help out. He lives in my house, drives my car, uses my money and now it's got to the position of my payday being 2 weeks away and I've just run out of gas and there is one run of tomato soup in the house and no money. I'm considering an abortion. In fact. I have one booked. I've worked so hard for my degree and my job as a single mum and now I've got this new man dragging my life down. I earn decent wages. But not enough to support a grown man as well. I don't want to be a single mum to two children with no money or help and thrown my career away for a man who may be going to prison. I'm 18 weeks pregnant today. Please advise

OP posts:
Oswin · 01/08/2015 20:57

Hi op. I hope your ok there has been some vile people on this thread. If your anti choice then just avoid the thread ffs.
Get rid of the man. Then check out all your options If you did wan the baby.
But even if you just don't want to be pregnant its fine to have an abortion. Good luck op.

UrethraFranklin1 · 01/08/2015 20:58

I doubt pregnancy choices gets as much traffic as pregnancy, sounds like they're trying to appease the pro life view point who must have complained

OP hardly needs the judgy traffic, and its not about view points. This is someones real life, not entertainment for you to debate. And OP doesn't need the dickish opinions from people who couldn't care less about her problem.

pinktrufflechoc · 01/08/2015 20:59

Well said george

Ilovecrapcrafts · 01/08/2015 21:00

Vixxface what was the point in posting that then running off? Dickhead.

VixxFace · 01/08/2015 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 21:02

To those who are anti-choice or whatever you class yourself as. Ie the comment. No baby is worth a career. Clearly you think children feed and clothe themselves. When your child has you and you alone to rely on financially (government support can provide no real opportunity for a child) you may phrase your reply differently
As a parent you surely have a duty to only bring your child into this world if you can provide?

OP posts:
SylvanianCaracal · 01/08/2015 21:03

FGS Vixxface. People who have had late abortions are very kindly sharing their difficult experiences on this thread to help the OP with her decision and they have really useful information to give her. They've had extremely good reasons and even if you don't agree, guilt-tripping them after the event is as low as it gets.

StrawberryMojito · 01/08/2015 21:03

I have already posted a supportive message, as have other people who may not have seen it if it were on a quieter topic, that was my thinking.

And why is it 'my entertainment'?

Ilovecrapcrafts · 01/08/2015 21:04

Stop being a passive aggressive judgemental fool. Grow up and get some empathy and understanding.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 01/08/2015 21:05

Shame you have no empathy for women, *Vixxface, while claiming to be concerned about 'babies'. Your posts make you look like a vile unfeeling arse.

Lovemylittlebear · 01/08/2015 21:06

I would ditch the bloke and let the baby have a life (that's my opinion though). Then you could keep it or look at adoption. I personally think in those particular circumstances that 18 weeks is quite far on... Though obviously your baby and body- your decision. Just because you have a baby and only maternity allowance doesn't necessarily mean the world will end (though it will be a lot more difficult). I had my little girl when my partner ended up out of work for the first year/ finishing a phd unpaid. I had just spent years training for a career and set myself up self employed. I had to go back to work really early which was not what I wanted and relied on family help and nursery after a few months but we had enough to get by and made it work some how. Not trying to say it's the same because your situation is so much tougher but I don't think you should feel forced into doing something a certain way- there might be a few options open to you should you choose to ditch the man and keep the baby. I wish you well whatever your choice is. Very best of luck x

missybct · 01/08/2015 21:06

For those berating OP for considering a choice - take your 'helpful' posts somewhere more fluffy. Pregnancy is a choice, just like opinions are a choice, however - in this situation, it's not helpful to spout the ethics of abortion because the OP isn't considering the ethics, she's considering the reality of finding herself pregnant in a situation that ISN'T a choice. Given the chance, I'm sure OP would sooner NOT be pregnant and having to make this choice, so fuck off your soapboxes.

Personally, at 18 weeks, I would find it super hard to have an AB, and this is coming from someone who had one at 10 weeks. BUT - my situation was and is a lot, lot different, and for that reason, I'm pitifully aware any advice would be lacking in experience. If I was in your shoes, and this is a baby that was not planned or wanted (and this is OK to admit) who you genuinely feel is not going to receive quality of life from either yourself or the baby's father (even though you're a competent Mum, having a baby is much different than a 9 year old) then you DO have a hard decision to make, but ultimately, your decision will be the one you feel is right FOR YOU, providing nobody is forcing you.

LadyPeterWimsey · 01/08/2015 21:08

Please consider adoption. There are people out there who would give anything to love and bring up this baby.

LostMyBaubles · 01/08/2015 21:11

Just wanted to share my story with you.

I have 3 dc. Eldest is 5 in September 2nd is2 and yyoungest is1.

First 2 were planned. Having ds2 nearly killed me was in hdu after having him. Found out I was expecting on Christmas eve. I looked into an abortion as I was scared and we couldn't afford another. We are 5 people living in one room atm.
We are doing good. Its been hard but doable.
Its doable if you want it to be.

Your right kids dont feed themselves etc and if you downsize/ budget without the Arsehole most likely you will be ok financially.

I know its a totally different situation but didnt want to read and run.

whydoicare · 01/08/2015 21:14

All for pro choice but 23 weeks is shocking. Very wrong, don't care what the law says. Have you seen a pic of a 23 weeker ? Or a 18 weeker come to think of it.

and

Rather be a dickhead then someone who ends a babies life

So, you patently AREN'T pro choice then then are you. Perhaps you need some help with what that means - pro choice means the right to choose. Are you managing to keep up? Being flamed really is the least of your worries - knowing you are being vile to a person looking to talk through a difficult set of decisions without judgement really should be more of a worry to you.

LostMyBaubles · 01/08/2015 21:14

Sorry forgot to say I spend a lot of times in hospital as ds1 is disabled and that in itself is hard as it puts strain on dh work but we've managed and had to.

Hope you make the right decision for you

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 01/08/2015 21:18

@StrawberryMojito

I doubt pregnancy choices gets as much traffic as pregnancy, sounds like they're trying to appease the pro life view point who must have complained. Anyway, I'm not bothered if the OP isn't.

Hi StrawberryMojito, just wanted to assure you that moving the thread has nothing to do with appeasing any view point. We created the Pregnancy Choices topic as a sensitive place for people to post about dilemmas such as this one.

We've checked with the OP and she's happy for us to move it over, so we've done this now.

pinktrufflechoc · 01/08/2015 21:19

The only thing at this stage that matters OP is what YOU want and what YOU are comfortable with.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 01/08/2015 21:21

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation and that some PPs are taking the opportunity to be arses. Just wanted to give a slightly different perspective - I found out about an unplanned pg at 16 weeks, and considered termination for reasons a bit similar to some of yours. I decided not to terminate eventually, and did 6 months on Maternity Allowance, with one older DC. It wasn't easy, but we were fine, it is possible - without the additional drain of non contributing adult. But it's your life, your body, your choice. Flowers and good luck.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/08/2015 21:28

epilepsy actually my termination wasn't a "choice" I was 17 at home and left in no uncertain terms what my future would be like if I'd had the baby. Eg no support whatsoever, I was also very naive back then and couldn't face council flat etc which is what I'd be looking at.

At 10 weeks the procedure is fairly straightforward whereas if it is a late stage abortion it's more traumatic, my brother's ex GF before she met him had 2 v late stage terminations - but she'd been in children's homes etc.

In fact a couple of years after I'd had my termination i opened a sealed "Company" magazine article on abortion and what i read there scarred me for life and if I'd known what I'd read there then then no, at 17 I think I would've had the baby regardless and stuff the consequences.

I certainly think OP has limited choices but she's earning, has a place to live, a job etc something which I was made very much aware of, that I wouldn't have that had I had my baby.

pinktrufflechoc · 01/08/2015 21:29

It doesn't matter if she's a millionaire. She doesn't have to continue with a pregnancy if she does not want to.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/08/2015 21:35

It doesn't matter if she's a millionaire. She doesn't have to continue with a pregnancy if she does not want to

^^

this.

Please please.please do not let the dicks on this thread push you into keeping this baby if that not what you want to do.

oh and you clearly had your ds young and I personally think.you have done bloody amazing to get where you have. You should he proud of yourself

ThatJustAintCricket · 01/08/2015 21:50

my brother's ex GF before she met him had 2 v late stage terminations - but she'd been in children's homes etc.

You cannot, simply cannot breezily say that about one woman and judge another woman in the same position just because she's educated.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 21:50

Thank you Giles. I think some find it easier to differentiate abortion as being ok and not ok due to the stage of pregnancy - if this leaves those more able to cope with what is essentially the same thing ( preventing a life from being born) I shall refrain from passing judgement and leave them to sugar coat their decision.

Superflyhigh - I can't quite see the relevance of your post. I was 18 when I had my son and grew up in the care of the local authority and was placed in a council flat before earning enough to move where I am. I don't think it's fair or right for you to compare yourself to me - no more so than it would be for me to compare my situation as a teenage mum being exactly the same as yours was. I still managed with no support. This was not the issue I wanted advice about. The issue is the current one. But again, if this is how you have been able to justify your decision to yourself I am happy you have been able to find peace with it (although somewhat naively )

Thank you all for the comments. I have an appointment next Thursday. Will notify of my decision. Thanks again. Especially George :)

OP posts:
GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 01/08/2015 21:55

Flowers OP. Hang in there.