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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

18 weeks pregnant - need abortion

223 replies

Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 18:36

I am 28 years old. I was a single mum to my now 9 year old son. I went back to study and have graduated last year with my degree. I started a job 3 months ago and found out I was pregnant. I won't get maternity. Only maternity allowance. My partner is unemployed, can't read or write, has no work experience and lacks motivation to find work. I have given him opportunity after opportunity to get a job and help out. He lives in my house, drives my car, uses my money and now it's got to the position of my payday being 2 weeks away and I've just run out of gas and there is one run of tomato soup in the house and no money. I'm considering an abortion. In fact. I have one booked. I've worked so hard for my degree and my job as a single mum and now I've got this new man dragging my life down. I earn decent wages. But not enough to support a grown man as well. I don't want to be a single mum to two children with no money or help and thrown my career away for a man who may be going to prison. I'm 18 weeks pregnant today. Please advise

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 01/08/2015 19:34

Mrsleigh that is hardly relevant. I havea PhD and my dp is not at all academic.My dd is severely dyslexic so i find your comment offensive.

I assume you will be getting rid of this man whatever the decision regarding your baby. You won't be able to get an abortion on medical grounds if there are none.

May i ask why it has got to this late stage? clearly your initial feelings were to keep the child. For that reason i worry this is not the right decision for you.

Why does your dp being a family friend mean you have to stay with him?

KittyandTeal · 01/08/2015 19:36

Are you sure surgical is an option? I wasn't given that option on the nhs at 22 weeks.

I think it may be privately but we were definitely told it had to be a medical induction. I was told nhs cut off for surgical is 16 weeks. Maybe it's different in different trusts

Unless the nhs is willing to refer you to a private clinic? If so that changes things a bit (in terms of how traumatic it may be)

Bohemond · 01/08/2015 19:37

If he is living with you and might be going to prison could that upset your career? Solicitors are held to higher standards than many other professions. Perhaps that might harden your resolve.
I do not think termination is a bad choice in this scenario.

Newtobecomingamum · 01/08/2015 19:37

I'm sorry and may sound harsh but id get rid if your man, downsize and budget if needs be to get by and would never consider terminating my baby especially so late on. You got pregnant in the first place and now at 18w decide you want to get rid because of your job you worked hard to get (your degree will always be around) and because you have no money because of your man is spending it all. I'm sorry but that's bloody ridiculous and I don't feel sorry for you at all. Even if pregnancy was an acident or you were that certain that a baby didn't fit into your life right now you would have taken more precautions and been more sensible. I took pill and condoms with my ex throughout my 3 year degree to ensure that any accidents didn't happen as it wasn't the right time. I don't disagree with terminations, but I disagree with your situation and your reasons why. Sounds like your picking a dead beat man over your poor baby... If I was in your situation I would do everything to keep my baby (especially at such a late stage) sell my car, move to a smaller place etc and certainly wouldn't put up with a man like yours! You only have soup in the cupboard? What about your poor son! Your letting this man use and abuse your money leaving your son and you just soup??

SuperFlyHigh · 01/08/2015 19:38

I know of 2 women who've had abortions at this late stage and maybe later.

They don't speak of what they went through but it's very traumatic.

I'd think really carefully if you could keep this baby until full term and your circumstances could've changed by then.

Goes without saying dump this user of a DP straightaway he is holding you down and back. But you know that. Even if you weren't pregnant he's doing that.

SylvanianCaracal · 01/08/2015 19:43

I think you need to separate two things. Firstly, do you want this baby? Think about that on its own, on its own terms. Terminate if you want to terminate (never mind how many weeks it is, it's a decision you can still make, it is your decision to make).

Secondly, do you want this man, it sounds like it's a no and you would be a LOT better off without him. You are fully entitled to end this relationship at any point. You can kick him out. If you have the baby, don't expect anything from him and I would avoid putting his name on the birth certificate.

Financially, look into all the support you can get and consider something like an au pair or childminder, or can family help? As a trainee solicitor, you are heading for a good career and you can do this with a baby - if you want to. Your DC1 will also get older and be able to help more.

If you don't want to, that is a valid decision too.

The prison thing sounds worrying - can you say more? It would get him out of the picture – but what will you do then if you need him for childcare? You must have other options.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 19:44

Hi kitty. Yes. It's definitely an option in London until 23 weeks to have a urge all procedure. In relation to your situation - did you go ahead with the procedure and if so how was it living with your decision ?

OP posts:
CordeliaFoxx · 01/08/2015 19:48

You already know it's a boy, youve seen scans and felt him move - regardless of mine or anyone else's opinions, you have to decide if it really is something you can live with.

MoseShrute · 01/08/2015 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunny85 · 01/08/2015 19:51

So sorry you are going through this - what a truly horrible time for you.

However I think (it's just my opinion and I might be wrong), you could potentially afford another child if you got rid of this 'man', basically the expense towards him would just be spent on your baby.

It is of course your decision and not an easy one. But you seem very strong and a fighter and I somehow see you going through with it and keeping your baby.

You should definitely get rid of your bf though.

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep strong Thanks

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 19:52

Thanks for your reply. Probably the most helpful. The main concern is if I continue with this pregnancy - I will be entitled only to maternity allowance which would be equilivent to a single mother on benefits. Although many cope on benefits - that is not a path I wish to go down

During training a solicitor is only able to take 4 months off the contract in order to qualify. Therefore I would be only entitled to 4 months off. Hours are 8.30 to 7ish and I work from home when my son goes to bed. This is unmanageable with 2 children and no partner. Although I earn around 35,000 - it may seem a lot - but living in London with a child and a partner who does not work costs that.

I can't see how I would manage with 2 children without him. I feel as if my choice is have an abortion, the career and pay childcare and get rid of him. Or keep the baby, be on money equal to benefits and be a single mum and try the career again in a few years and get rid of partner. Or keep partner. Keep baby. Go back to work and struggle like hell.

For me. Termination sounds like the best option.

Is it fair on the son I already have to bring another child into the family knowing I am already struggling. The reason I educated myself after being a teen mum was to give my son a good role model and a good chance of success in his own life. Is it fair to take that away because I don't want to make the difficult decision to terminate ?

OP posts:
MagpieCursedTea · 01/08/2015 19:52

If you're considering a termination at this stage, you must've wanted the baby at some point? What's changed? I only ask as you may end up regretting the decision.
If you do go through with the termination, please don't tell people it was a tfmr. That would be an awful thing to do. Imagine if you told someone who had actually been through that and they decided to open up to you as they thought you might understand their trauma? Lying isn't the answer. The fact you would feel the need to lie about your reasons for termination says a lot about your feelings on the situation.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/08/2015 19:55

Mose I think you are being is deluded the right word if you think not every woman suffers guilt/shame/trauma after a termination. Maybe not with earlier stage abortions but certainly with later stage ones...

I'm sorry but on the whole I totally (unless rape etc) disagree with late stage abortions... I've had a 10 week abortion and that was bad enough but later ones, cmon there should be no excuse if you're pregnant and know it and want a termination not to terminate at the earlier stages rather than late stages and put yourself and the foetus through unnecessary trauma. Flame me all you like for that latter statement I don't care.

GoooRooo · 01/08/2015 19:57

keep the baby, be on money equal to benefits and be a single mum and try the career again in a few years

This is the option I would go for, personally. I would definitely be ditching the partner and going it alone. The only other alternative I would consider at this stage would be to have the baby and give it up for adoption if I really felt that another family could offer a substantially better life for the child.

Having an abortion at 18 weeks for what amounts to a lifestyle choice just wouldn't be justifiable for me.

Presumably you knew about the pregnancy early enough to have had an early termination? Why didn't you have one then? Has something changed?

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 01/08/2015 19:57

Are you sure you are right about the tc? I thought you just had to make up the time.

Your situation sounds very stressful. u guess I am struggling to understand why this is only an issue so far on. How did you feel it would work at 6 weeks? Or 10?

SuperFlyHigh · 01/08/2015 19:57

OP could you not speak to your work? Take paid leave off, unpaid leave off, explain the situation to them? I work in a solicitors and I'm sure you could do working from home 1-2 days a week for a period if that would help.

You could also put baby in nursery although expensive, what about family support?

GoooRooo · 01/08/2015 19:58

The fact you would feel the need to lie about your reasons for termination says a lot about your feelings on the situation.

And ^^ I agree with this. If you can't be honest about your reasons with people in real life does it really sit that comfortably with you?

CordeliaFoxx · 01/08/2015 19:59

Sorry but all I can think of is the thread about the lady who went into labour and lost her baby at 18 weeks. This is a baby in you, he's developed - he's not just a mass of cells or any other excuse people want to come up with for abortion. Oh and while I'm at it - your title is wrong, you don't "need" an abortion.

Newtobecomingamum · 01/08/2015 20:01

Sorry I've just re-read this thread and saw your comments (OP) that you would tell people the reason that you had terminated was because of medical reasons.
That is absolutely disgusting....
At least bloody own up to your reasons instead of lying and saying that it was for medical reasons!
For someone like me who in my first pregnany nearly have to consider termination because of severe health issues T13 and T21 with the baby, that is horrific that you would make such a lie up. So you realise how fking awful it is for women who genuinelly want there baby and are forced and have no option but to terminate because of medical issues! Thank god we decided not to as we took the risk and he turned out perfectly healthy.
You astound me with that comment saying you would tell people you did it for medical reasons.. That is sick

Iggi999 · 01/08/2015 20:03

As others have asked - Why are you posting this now instead of ten weeks ago? What is it that has changed?

TheClacksAreDown · 01/08/2015 20:03

That sounds like a shit situation. As you will know, an abortion at this stage is no walk in the park and ever with surgical will have after effects.

I'm not sure what area you are in but worth bearing in mind that your wages should rise by a decent amount when you qualify so the childcare for two on 35k would be relatively short term. Plus presumably you would get more child benefit and maybe tax credits which would help a bit?

If you go ahead with the termination, in your shoes I'd be tempted to say you had a miscarriage.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 20:05

For those who have asked about making an earlier decision. I was using contraception (the injection) and have been since the birth of my son. This give you no periods. I found out I was pregnant at 12ish weeks and had no symptoms other than extreme fatigue which I thought wa due to the new job with long hours. Go referred me to Marie stopes who scanned me a few weeks later (hence the reason I know dates) as being 14 weeks 2 days pregnant. The centre I was booked at only conduct procedure until 14 weeks as thw surgeon needs a special license for pregnancy terminated over that. I was rebooked to return 9 days later and asked to see the scan picture. After the picture. I did not return and thought I could cope.

I'm now 18 weeks

OP posts:
whydoicare · 01/08/2015 20:05

To all those saying they could never have a late abortion - it's not fucking about you. It's her decision. Who are you to decide that someone should continue a pregnancy and have another child if it's not right for her or that there is "no excuse" for not terminating earlier.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 20:07

The cracks are down - thank you. More helpful than you know

OP posts:
GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 01/08/2015 20:09

OP this is YOUR CHOICE. Abortion is LEGAL in the UK up to 24 weeks.

All the posters berating the OP should STFU and respect her CHOICE.