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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

18 weeks pregnant - need abortion

223 replies

Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 18:36

I am 28 years old. I was a single mum to my now 9 year old son. I went back to study and have graduated last year with my degree. I started a job 3 months ago and found out I was pregnant. I won't get maternity. Only maternity allowance. My partner is unemployed, can't read or write, has no work experience and lacks motivation to find work. I have given him opportunity after opportunity to get a job and help out. He lives in my house, drives my car, uses my money and now it's got to the position of my payday being 2 weeks away and I've just run out of gas and there is one run of tomato soup in the house and no money. I'm considering an abortion. In fact. I have one booked. I've worked so hard for my degree and my job as a single mum and now I've got this new man dragging my life down. I earn decent wages. But not enough to support a grown man as well. I don't want to be a single mum to two children with no money or help and thrown my career away for a man who may be going to prison. I'm 18 weeks pregnant today. Please advise

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 20:09

@super yes. You make up the time. But no more than 4 months

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 01/08/2015 20:09

Only you can decide what is best. whatever you decide loose the boyfriend please. you are worth so much more.

If you want a termination have a termination. you are still young and you can have a second child with a decent man once you have qualified.

If your only having it because you can't trust your boy friend with the baby and he's bringing you down then make sure you are fully aware of your options as a single parent and what assistance you can get before you decide

you need to get rid of him whatever you decide.

I hope you are able to decide op

if you need one have one. your body your choice and no one else on this thread is going to feed or clothe your child for you so they don't get to decide or make you feel bad.Flowers

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 01/08/2015 20:09

Just a question OP -how have you been managing childcare until now for your son?

Your training contract started in May, yes? What work were you doing from graduation until then - could thar be an option for a couple of years?

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/08/2015 20:10

And what george said

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 01/08/2015 20:11

And OP if you do decide to go ahead with a termination, you can say whatever you want. Nobody needs to know.

TheMarxistMinx · 01/08/2015 20:11

So, your son will lose two from his life, a man he has probably got used to and the brother he looks forward to having in his life. All for what. so you can be a good role model...on what? how to pay bills and earn money? and don't we all!

Of course you have worked hard, but it would seem you have made some fairly silly decisions. How does this "useless man child" feel about you having an abortion, I know he's really only a cheap nanny, but have you asked him?

Of course childcare is very expensive, and keeping an extra adult in food is relatively cheap in comparison. In view of the fact that you need childcare, and you already have it in the shape of this person, who you lack any respect for, why not just have baby and use his labour for a couple of years. Then rethink and split. Of course that means making use and being quite cynical, but are you not already doing that?

Jenda · 01/08/2015 20:11

OP is in a horrible situation and has come here for advice. She can be completely honest here and she doesnt need to be worrying about hurting a total stranger's feelings.

OP i am sorry you're in this situation. I am totally pro choice but i would worry about how you would cope with terminating at this stage. I think i would be considering having the baby, having your DP provide childcare while you qualified and insist on him getting evening bar work for something and trying to make that work until you were earning enough to pay childcare. i dont know if thats a viable situation but just a thought i had. Sorry for the horrible comments you are having on here. Holding your hand

Bluetrews25 · 01/08/2015 20:11

This sounds like a very tough situation for you.

If you do decide to terminate, you can say 'Unfortunately, I'm not pregnant any more......I would prefer not to talk about it'

I hope life gets better for you.

whydoicare · 01/08/2015 20:11

newtobecomingamum she doesn't have to justify her decision or give anyone a reason. You find her comment disgusting? Right back at you. Of course it's devastating for someone who wants their baby to lose it either through termination or miscarriage. But that's no reason for the OP to continue a pregnancy she doesn't want. But as long as you get to vent and be outraged and show zero empathy. Well done.

Newtobecomingamum · 01/08/2015 20:11

You wanted opinions and that's what you got! Not everyone is going to be supportive and agree with you. It's not only about the late abortion it is the situation and reasons OP states for what to get rid of her a baby! She's living with a man who takes all her money and only leaves a tin of soup on the cupboard for her son and that was one of her concerns wtf! Also to say she would lie and say to people she got rid of it for medical reasons when half the real reason is because she is skint because of the man she chooses to keep and fund.., that is sick just like this whole situation!!

JustUsFour · 01/08/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrethraFranklin1 · 01/08/2015 20:12

OP didn't ask anyone else if they would have an abortion at this stage, and she didn't ask anyone for their opinion in her doing it either.

OP, if this is what you want get on to it now. It gets harder to get an appt the longer you leave it, and far less slots are available for a later procedure. You really have no time to lose.

This is your decision and yours alone. You can legally do it and its no-one elses business what you do. Don't listen to the people on here wittering on about what you should do, its nothing to do with them.

If you want to terminate, do it. But don't delay any further because your options will disappear quickly.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 20:12

Hi. I was working as a paralegal which are much less hours. 9-5 so manageable with breakfast club and after school club. To leaves Tc to go to a paralegal is a massive step backwards. This sounds ridiculous but I'm not sure I would ever get the opportunity of a Tc again. They are so competitive and given my age

OP posts:
specialsubject · 01/08/2015 20:13

what people will think about what happened if you do abort is irrelevant.

certainly lose the useless blubber who shares the house. Come on, you can do better than that. Not because he is illiterate, but because he is useless.

To abort or not is 100% your decision and is for no-one else to judge, please ignore the abuse. Every child a wanted child, and every woman should have the choice. Could fostering or adoption could be alternatives?

I wish you the best; but please, get rid of the man child.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 01/08/2015 20:18

I've just looked at the Law Society guidance and I think I'm right. You have to make up the time. A colleague of mine did it years ago.

I am also surprised you found paralegal such regular hours - presumably you are in your first seat. Is that a different department or very different firm to where you are training.

I am utterly pro choice. But I am not sure you have a full picture of your options if you don't terminate - both in terms of career and benefits.

lauraa4 · 01/08/2015 20:18

I think regardless of you being pregnant your partner sounds like a worthless free loader. He uses all your money, drives around in your car, doesn't work.... Is there anything he does contribute to? Whatever decision you make about keeping the baby, your DP needs to be shown the front door!

It's such a horrible situation because it's a question of will he step up to the mark if you have this baby? Probably not. Will it feel like you are looking after three children if you go through with it? Almost definitely. You really need someone that is going to financially and emotionally support you and he really isn't going to do either.

Whatever your decision it's yours to make. Personally I think until your in a certain situation you never know what you will think or do. As much as people will say how awful you are for considering termination, or to ditch him, and so on it's your life and you have to face whatever the consequences. Either you stay with this 'man', keep the baby and try to continue. You keep the baby and leave. Or you terminate and either stay with him or leave him.

I hope you find the answer your looking for, and soon.

ThatJustAintCricket · 01/08/2015 20:19

Sounds tough Cookies, I feel for you.

No judgement from me, you need to do what is best for you. I would concentrate on the pregnancy at the moment, if you decide to terminate, its best to do it sooner rather than later. Then look at your relationship and perhaps consider getting out of it, you don't seem happy so why put yourself through more years of this? You say he's dragging you down, don't let him pull you down further.

Ignore the horrible comments, sugar21 you sound like a nasty person.

Good luck OP Flowers

Ilovecrapcrafts · 01/08/2015 20:19

Newtobecomingamum this isn't about you. If you think this is sick you've led a very sheltered life.

OP I feel desperately sorry for you. A termination is an option. It would end the situation. Would you get rid of the loser bloke?

It may well be very hard though. I have no experience but can only imagine.

Original poster
Cookiesandcream123 · 01/08/2015 20:22

Hi librariesgaveuspower. My paralegal position was In the local authority - generally no one works past 5. Pros of being in house. Where I now work - I am in my first seat in marine in a city firm. Perhaps a little naively - I wasn't expecting such long hours.

I have spoken to my supervising partner at work and regulations state you may take a break of up to 4 months but this must be made up at the end - essentially fulfilling the 20 months in full

OP posts:
TheClacksAreDown · 01/08/2015 20:23

Op have you spoken to the SRA to check the trainee position? Because if you started 3 months ago then you will be under new rules that kicked in about a year ago so. They changed Significnatly from the previous rules (including screwing trainees over in certain ways but hey) so the situation re mat leave may now well be more flexible but many people will not be up to date. I had a quick look on their website but it was hopeless so I'd suggest you call them first thing Monday.

This may sound desperately ruthless but it may be worth considering if you can keep the father on the scene as a sahd until you qualify provided that you can find a way to safeguard yourself and your children financially.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 01/08/2015 20:25

I am on my phone so can't link- but that is not what my memory or the Law Society pdf implied. Are you sure your supervisor was right?

Apologies if I am wrong, but I worked with a lady who definitely had 6 months - admittedly 10 years ago. HR were happy cos it fitted in with seat rotation.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 01/08/2015 20:26

Also- as an employment lawyer I would think they were pretty screwed if the rule is as you've been told.

DrLego · 01/08/2015 20:27

cookies is the tc in a firm you like in a field you like?
you're young don't worry about your age, please. TC is 2 years. It's a perfectly top reason to leave or interrupt, and would be perfectly understandable to others. I know how it feels I was once in a similar role myself and I think in law I found it very hard (20s) to tell people I had had a child because the instant reaction would be 'what?' and 'thats the wrong way around' and 'oh no she'll be off having more' or 'she'll be off early all the time' etc.
I think you've achieved an enormously brilliant and significant thing to have had your son and to have worked and done all the requisite stages to get to where you are now, so you're obviously a tough cookie.
But, if your firm's any good they will be supportive, and will also help you go through the necessary steps to extend your TC. you can take time out and you have a very valid reason; and they'd rather that than you disappear and the SRA can extend the qualifying period if applied for in the correct way.

I totally feel for you but definite steps

  1. ditch the au pair
  2. remember environment allegedly accounts for a significant portion of IQ
  3. remember your TC is only 2 years and time is something that can be worked around and with

it is not the end of your career if you chose to continue with the pregnancy - you'd get tax credits I think, and you'd also have more hours childcare than before. In fact, a small child is easier to manage than a school age one because nurseries etc are open longer hours than schools. I'm a single parent and my DS is school age and it's a nightmare (now) but when he was a baby/toddler much easier, though I didnt realise it at the time. So please dont think logistics won't work out without bloke in your house. They will & it sounds like he's really the primary doubt - everything else needs considering separately.

SylvanianCaracal · 01/08/2015 20:27

Let's give OP a break shall we, she's in a tough situation and needs supportive help. Enough guilt is unfairly piled on women already.

Her partner also helped cause this pregnancy and he's not in this dilemma is he? No, that's because he just sponges off other people and it's not his body and his career being affected. OP has the decency to work hard train to improve her and her child's life and take responsibility for it like an adult. Hard decisions come with that.

OP please ignore anyone who uses this thread as an opportunity to guilt trip you.

DrLego · 01/08/2015 20:29

x posts - yes you are allowed to take time out and your contract can be extended