I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

Actually, I have no idea of why Lab made her decision and it was insensitive and rude of me to make any such assumptions. Sorry (really wish I could do those flowers)

We're very happy that everyone's happy . Give us a couple of days and we'll have it set up for you. Happy to move this thread into it then, and if you want to report other threads that you think might be useful there (via the report button) we'll ask the OPs if they're OK with that.

I've just had a read through of my thread (i have come a looooong way since then!) and as soon as the new topic is up I'll ask for it to be moved. I wonder if it might be a good idea for me to add a quick update too?

An update would be great.

I can only find my thread in Relationships which isn't overly helpful. I'll go through some older threads and see if there some that might warrant moving (if the OP is happy with it).

Thanks MNHQ

And thanks to Thurlow and thinking of you and Poppy Lab.

wouldn't "ending a pregnancy" avoid the google/troll issue but be a clearer signpost for genuine posters?

Sheila - exactly the same situation. Thank you for sharing, it's the first time I've heard anyone with the same circumstances. You deserve some flowers too.

Friday is my day.

Nervous, and feel very ashamed of myself. But I am deeply thankful to every family planning pioneer, every activist and campaigner, anyone ever who has supported a woman's right to choose and to this thread and all on it.

Springheeled, you are in my
Thoughts

xx

Thinking of you too spring. Please try not to feel ashamed of yourself. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

We're all here if you want to talk or ask anything.

My God, this is something I just couldn't do. There is so much on the market these days to prevent pregnancy, so no . If one did happen to come no way could I do that. There is always adoption.

You have no idea what you could or couldn't do.

You also have no idea what health others may be in, to casually claim 'there is always adoption'. Do you not know some women are permanently disabled by pregnancy? And some women's lives and mental health are threatened?

You are extremely ignorant and rude.

There is always adoption is a totally bloody stupid comment, get real.

You have no idea how you will react to a situation until you are actually in it.

There is always adoption, FFS.

Please ignore that ignorant poster, Spring. No need for shame, it is what it is. I hope that person has not put you off posting, this thread is full of women who are sympathetic.

Spring if you need to talk we are all here thinking of you. Please don't feel ashamed. Termination is not something any of us do lightly and it's always because we feel it would be for the best so there is no need to be ashamed for doing the right thing for ourselves and our families.

This is NOT a thread about terminations vs other alternatives. It is quite clearly from the title a support thread and Obvious is right NO ONE knows what they will actually do until they are faced with the decision. No contraception is ever 100% and in this day and age no woman should have to risk her life, mental health, physical health or financial ability to provide for herself and her children (if she has children) by continuing a pregnancy which is not right for her. If you do not want a termination then don't have one but leave those of us who need one alone.

No empathy lacking thicko is going to put me off posting, especially since the point of the thread is the opposite of having to listen to the deeply ignorant. It's a shame though that someone pops up immediately to prove mumsnet hqs concerns are true.
Good morning to you Mybaby1day and try not to offend anyone else today with your views- you could have a think before speaking perhaps?

Springheeled, dignified post

I thought I'd been a bit rude but I could have been ruder- you don't know where people are coming from. I'd never have believed termination was a choice I would face and I always thought it was a good thing it existed for others but I'd never need it because I was waaaaay too sensible and smart. HA! I couldn't have been more wrong- we're all fallible and every form of contraception is also fallible. And life doesn't always work smoothly and isn't always the fairytale. Just as well so many people DO understand that.

MyBaby1day What an ignorant post.

Did Your Mother never teach you 'if you have nothing nice to say then do not speak at all'?

I think a topic designed for termination support is a great idea, especially if it was a board which did not show up in active convos.

MyBaby1day Did you take the time to read the thread? To get the faintest idea of what it is we are doing here?

We are trying to support women who, for whatever reason, have had, or are in the throws of needing a termination.

We are not seeking justification from them
We are not judging
we are supporting

Your post is exactly the reason we need a dedicated area to discuss & support women. Thank you so much for proving our point so succinctly.

Your post is ignorant, as you seem to lack the intelligence to understand that contraception fails. As it did in my case.

You also lack the intelligence to convert what you have read here (if in fact you have read it) into rational thought, because at least one lady has had a termination for medical reasons, and at least one more is going through that process now.

Adoption is not the answer, it is merely placing children in homes where they are more likely to grow up, than be adopted out.

Your post is unnecessary & thoughtless.

mybaby's post is unkind and, frankly irrelevant given that this isn't a thread asking for opinions.

Thankfully the shouts of support on this thread are louder than the whispers of condemnation.

Well said, spring, and take care.

Mybaby, adoption is not a magic bullet.

Try asking people with experience of it.