I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

I'm having counselling for this. Diagnosed with PTSD
Mine was a forced termination, I really wanted the baby. I can't speak about it, had 10 counselling sessions and not yet said more than two words . People don't understand, I went through the whole thing alone and it was the hardest things I've done. At one point I just thought I couldn't carry on. I didn't want to actively harm myself but I couldn't put one foot in front of the other

I had a termination last year and had some fantastic support from mumsnet. My close family and a couple of friends know and my 2 friends have been amazing, family have been much more judgmental afterwards. I posted for advice about how to talk to them about hurtful comments and deleted the thread as it was full of posters telling me I was obviously angry and blamed family or that I should have kept it private and that I can't expect everyone to agree with my decision and I found that really upsetting.
I agree with Devora that you are offered sympathy/understanding (although limited and you remain the one who has to be constantly mindful of other's feelings) if you fit the ideal of an acceptable termination.
Counseling was fantastic for me Sparkling and you might find it really helpful just to get all the different, conflicting feelings straighter. I'm happy I made the right choice for me but then I had life threatening hyperemesis so there wasn't much of a decision to make really.

Sparkly - it's not too late. It took me a year to look for counselling. I felt everything I touched went wrong, and it was all just a big pile of shit. I'm 16 months on now and it's not all shit
Very un MN hugs

I'm sorry for those of you who have had very difficult and sad experiences

I just can't bring myself to tell them

YY. Perhaps it's the fear of what they will say.

Like you say, it's nothing wrong. It is doing something completely legal. And many women get pregnant on contraception.

WanderingUturus, I have a suspicion that we crossed paths when I posted under a nc when I discovered I was pregnant. If you have posted on threads like that, thank you, because if you are who I think you might be then you said some things that were an amazing help.

I'm really glad your friend was able to talk to you, Adam. I wish I felt so comfortable talking to my friends. But I just had that background feeling - "I'm so sorry you are struggling TTC and have just had some terrible news - by the way, I've just got pregnant by accident and I'm going to terminate it..." Insensitive doesn't even begin to explain how it feels it would be. Especially when explaining the reasons why, which to someone who desperately wants a child would seem so minor - "I'd happily throw up 8 times a day for 9 months to have a baby."

Sometimes I feel like even anonymous MN doesn't feel quite as welcoming to discuss it. Especially if it's not a "right" termination - especially if you're already a mum.

Good to hear from other people. I think perhaps we do need a place to talk about it.

I've never had one I just wanted to come on and say you can talk to me about it. Fortunately a lot of us in society are pro choice.

Thurlow, I do tend to be found on abortion support threads, if it was me who helped then I am very happy to have been of some comfort to you.

The case is it is something that most women who end their pregnancy by active choice will experience as the most intimate of experiences. You are pregnant and sex will produce pregnancy. Now the narrative seems to be sex is never supposed to produce pregnancy unless it is exactly what you want and when you want it. Life doesn't work that way. Thurlow - also just because something is "completely legal" doesn't mean it is without moral and emotional conflict. All it means is it is permitted by law but that doesn't mean it is never wrong and always right. We know that women in Britain are now aborting babies because they are the wrong sex and that seems to be acceptable. Personally I have found that many people and partners will put intense pressure on a woman to end their pregnancy if it doesn't fit their own narrative of when it is the correct time to be pregnant.

Thurlow while I was TTC I went with a close friend when she went for a termination. Going through infertility has, if anything, made me more pro-choice.

to those of you struggling.

These abortion support threads - where do I find those?

LabMonkey, I only really notice them pop-up occasionally when someone has an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. I actually think they tail off soon if someone does make a decision to terminate. But there is a lot of support on PM's, I found.

Looking, I'm not sure I can work out which point you are arguing. Abortions probably nearly always occur with emotional and moral conflict for everyone involved, even if it you know it is the right choice. Which is basically what I have been thinking about - that it feels as though it is an emotional and moral experience that women aren't really encouraged to talk about very much.

I think that in general there are quite a lot of circumstances which are hard for people to talk about. Sexual abuse and rape, bereavement, miscarriage, infertility, unfulfilled (or fulfilled) 'illicit' sexual desire and termination are just some of the things that people struggle with and would like to talk about but cannot without judgements being applied to them and secondly, and more key I think, without compelling the person you are talking to, to take on some of the 'burden' involved. When you talk to somebody about something like this you have to take on their reaction as well as your own. That's exhausting.

Something that always saddens me is that there is rarely an acknowledgement that often a woman is having a termination because she feels it's the right thing to do. Just because other, outside people think it's ok to risk her health, financial security or that there is space for the baby they seem to think she should agree. I can understand that other people can cope with things I couldn't so why should I be judged for not wanting to risk my life for another baby when I have children I am already responsible for.Quite a few people referred to throwing up 'all day' as being a good trade off for a baby during my other pregnancies but not many seemed to believe that it was more than that for me it really was life threatening (and before someone suggests I should have been sterilized the nhs refused to refer me or dh as we are 'too young').

I wish people could put judgement aside and understand that although they may disagree if someone thinks it's her only choice then maybe it's her only realistic choice.

I know it can be hard to be open about it but I believe it is important that women are honest about their terminations, whether they have been something they regret our not.

Soon after my abortion I say in a rim with some people I didn't know and kept silent and ashamed while they had a conversation about people who had abortions and how irresponsible they are. Afterwards I felt awful for not saying anything or standing up for something a believe in. I decided then to be open about it.

It isn't something I go on about but I will talk about it if the subject is raised. My decision to do this was vindicated after a colleague came and told me how, after an unplanned pregnancy and termination she had felt so much better because she heard me talk about what had happened to me.

If there is even a tiny chance that another person might not feel so ashamed by hearing me be open about it, it is worth having a bit of judgement in my view.

Just because other, outside people think it's ok to risk her health, financial security or that there is space for the baby they seem to think she should agree

Yes, that's an interesting point. My impression is that a termination by someone who isn't in a relationship or in a very unhealthy relationship etc is considered differently to a termination by an older women in a long-term relationship. My impression from MN is that the significant majority of women who have an unplanned pg no 2, 3 or 4 (for example) will find a way to have that baby and see finances, time, space, those sort of things as problems that can be overcome. Terminating in a situation where probably a majority of women might continue with the pregnancy seems the bigger taboo.

(And yes, Tevin, I think unless someone has been as ill as you - HG, SPD, OC, A/PND or similar - they really cannot remotely understand why you are making your decision)

That's a really good point, mrsmaturin. I imagine one of the reasons people want to talk about difficult things is to share the burden they feel.

I'm really glad you are able to do that now, HearMyRoar. I've recently felt able to do it on MN under 'my' name; I need to start to do it in RL, even if it is not yet telling work.

Work? I meant friends!

When I was in hospital Thurlow the nurses and doctors both told me thatthe vast majority of women who they see for terminations are already mums with several children. I think you're right though, most people think 'well I managed with less money/not enough space/morning sickness so she should' and then judge you for not being able to. That's something I never understood: why would you wish difficulty (financial, physical or emotional) on someone? I feel more is owed to the children I already have than the one I didn't plan, wanted but ultimately couldn't justify possibly leaving my other children for.

I had an abortion in 2009. I regret it every day. I was overjoyed to be pregnant with my 3rd child but at the 12wk scan baby was thought to have anencephaly. I had to wait 3 more weeks for an appointment in a bigger hospital to have it confirmed. I wanted to continue with the pregnancy but everyone told me it was best to end it even the doctors. I felt terribly pressured into it. I was so emotional at the time that I went along with everyone but oh how I wish I was stronger. I think of that baby every day. My daughter was born a year to the day after I lost that baby. I talk about it to anyone who will listen because it plays so heavily on my heart. If I could turn back time despite the only outcome I would of continued. But that's just me with my experience of termination (I had tablets). But I have a friend who has had 2 and completely stands by her reasons and will openly talk about her experience and I completely respect her, and in part envy her for being so at peace with her decision.

I feel completely ashamed to talk about my abortion in real life. I felt (and still do) a lot of regret about it and I think the emotional effects of abortion are very taboo to talk about as there is the mindset that you chose to do this so why are you upset about it

I had a termination. I was hysterical all day when I went to the hospital because, on some level, I didn't want to do it - but I knew I couldn't cope with a baby. It was awful and it still makes me sad, but counselling helped and it was 100% the right thing to do. Only six months later, I was pregnant again - by choice rather than accident this time - and I'm sure people would disapprove of that, but my circumstances had changed a lot and everything that had been wrong was now right.

It is still quite taboo. I notice it on here that when someone posts absolutely devastated about an unplanned pregnancy the thread will be 90% people saying "it'll be fine, you can sleep 4 to a room/ claim more tax credits/ economise whatever".

I'm not saying that sort of support is wrong of course but it is interesting. To me the obvious solution to a pregnancy that was unplanned and you're in crisis about is an abortion. Maybe I'm missing something.

Caitlin Moran wrote an excellent piece about terminating her third pregnancy and there was a great thread on here a while ago where an OP stated she was comfortable with her choice and many others came on to agree.

There was once a documentary on called my foetus, does anyone know if this is available to view online?

My sister was in your situation, chose a termination of her 4th pregnancy while I was pregnant and didn't tell me as I was pregnant. Never did tell me, I found out from my other sister. She went on to have another baby. I don't know why she has never told me, but maybe she feels it is taboo as you do.

splendide I agree about the majority on termination threads saying "you'll cope" etc, when they actually know very little about the op. I hate with a vengeance those who say 'you never regret having a child' SO SO much. I wonder if it is because I was unwanted & my mother never really bonded with me, so I know first hand what it is like to be unwanted.

I always post something like 'you don't have to do this' and them offer more if the op needs it.

When I found out I was pregnant with #3, I went to see my normal dr and she told me that she was proud of me for sticking to my principles. Telling me that it takes courage to not just carry on regardless just because I found I found myself in that situation.

I didn't want a third, I don't see why an accidental pregnancy would change that. But her words have stuck with me, and I find comfort in them, because she actually wasn't able to refer me for the termination (religious reasons) and while that caused inconvenience for me, I took her words with me & they helped, she told me she approved of what I was doing, even though she wasn't allowed to because of her beliefs. And I took from that, that if someone like her could see that what I was doing was for the best, then those who didn't see that, didn't matter.

Women who have children already are the biggest group having terminations.

I had a termination when I was 21, I thank my lucky stars I made that decision because it really wasn't the right time/father. In fact ever since having my 2 DC I have felt even more strongly that it was the right choice, because I have become more aware of the demands and needs of children & the inadequacies of my ex

I am fairly open about it, but actually it is of very little emotional significance to me so it isn't something I need to talk about IYSWIM. I would guess that most of my friends & all of my immediate family know about it, & if someone else mentions having had a termination/considering a termination I will tell them about mine...