I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

Mybaby:

-no contraception is 100% even when correctly used. Sometimes when you do everything correctly you can still get pregnant.

-what you would do is neither here nor there, seeing as this is a support thread for women who would. Don't want an abortion, don't have one.

-abortion is needed and is legal.

-adoption is not a magic bullet, it has it's own issues.

-pregnancy is really fucking hard and can have lifelong complications. It leaves very few parts of the body unchanged.

-birth- ditto

-everyone is different and can cope with different things in different ways.

The lack of empathy in your post, especially given that this thread has some heartbreaking stories, is shocking.

Spring, please don't feel ashamed. We're all here if you want to talk about it. Wishing you all the best for Friday

MyBaby1day

I was going to join in with rebutting your comment but... it's not worth it. Just derails the thread. So if you are real (which I sincerely doubt) then I'd suggest you learn some basic human decency and work out which threads are for debate and which are for support.

This thread is NOT for debates on the rights and wrongs.

There is a lady in need of support in the antenatal choices section.

This is a silly thought to share really but I'm having many of them these days.
I can't bear the unfairness of the baby 'lottery'- the randomness of chance and good or bad luck with conception, pregnancy and birth. After my mcs I could hardly stand to see a double buggy, believing I would never have another dc. I was so self pitying and bitter for a while. In retrospect that was as much to do with my marriage as babies but I didn't really see that then.

At six and seven weeks with my second dc I was in the doctors sobbing with terror that I'd mc again. Now I feel greedy, disgusting, for falling pregnant by mistake at the wrong age, the wrong stage. Every hour of nausea is a reproach, and a reminder.
Two women close to me are struggling to conceive and I feel a total c- to be honest (sorry for the language, but it's the only word string enough)
I'm not having a pity party, honestly. I just wish that things were different- for everyone.

-strong, not string obviously

I know EXACTLY how you feel, spring. The horrible randomness that women I know are struggling so much to conceive when I have fallen pregnant 3 times by accident. A part of me feels as though this is something I am doing or have control over, though two times have been contraceptive failures. That makes me feel awful.

My oldest friend is about to start ivf for their one chance of having a child. She doesn't know about my.termination but it feels as though it's this chasm between us

I can only try to reassure myself that it's normal to feel this way. Maybe it is, if you feel this way too.

It's just so unfair. I'm old, constantly stressed, drink wine, have smoked. My dcs are deeply loved but I'm by no means a perfect mother and when I read on here some of the amazing efforts people put into their dcs diets, education, friendships etc I feel very much like we scrape through! There are people with so much to give who are being dealt the shittiest luck with their fertility.

I know that I will probably never tell a living soul irl about this except my dsis as so many people are struggling or have struggled with pregnancies and I wish I could swap and they could have a wanted pregnancy.

I think it is normal Thurlow is what I meant to say!

It is unfair. But it's nothing we've deliberately done, no matter how we feel about it. And we made our decisions for the family we already have too. That, I tell myself, is being a good parent too.

But nature is a bitch sometimes.

She sure is!

Thanks mom I just popped in to chat & directed her here if she felt she needed it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/2185190-Just-had-abortion-Feel-terrible?msgid=49526441#49526441 If anyone can offer some support.

Nature certainly is a bitch, ladies. Please be kind to yourselves. It is hard to think about all those who are struggling to conceive, but we mustn't burden ourselves because of it.

of course, it is ok to feel sadness, but we had no to little control over our circumstances & to beat ourselves up, when we have been through enough, is not good.

Thank you for linking differentname. I was on my phone...

spring I remember having exactly the same thoughts when I had an mc and trouble conceiving dd. It almost felt as if I deserved the mc and had missed my chanced by having a termination when I was pregnant before. Thankfully I had some amazing support on the miscarriage and ttc boards and was reminded that sometimes life is just shit. It is nothing we have done or not done, it's just bad luck.

I think it is natural to find yourself making connections even when we know logically they are not real at all.

My first planned pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I thought that was payback and deserved as well, and did wonder if I would be able to carry a baby to term, maybe they had damaged something during the termination and now I would never actually be able to have a baby, and didn't that just serve me right. :( I didn't know about mumsnet then (and maybe it didn't exist then either), but I could really have used it.

momnipotent No worries, and THANK YOU for letting the rest of us know.

Hello all

Here you go.

We'll move this thread there now, and do let us know about any threads you think might be better in there - we'll contact the OPs to see if they would like them to be moved.

Thanks

MNHQ

Thanks Rowan!

Ooooh yay! Thanks so much MN! There's a few going at the moment that could potentially be moved, I'll report this and send the links.

Could anyone think of another thread we could start to help fill it up?

Is there any chance of having a wee bit of a waffle at the top like you have on some other boards, or do you think that will draw attention to it?

Waffle??

Topic disclaimers are usually for legal things (eg in health, to say 'Not everyone on MN necessarily has medical degree and you really maybe out to check in with a RL health professional if you're worried about anything'). But we could maybe add something to say - this is a topic for people to discuss their personal experiences or dilemmas; if your thread is a more general debate about the ethics of termination, it may be better off in another topic?

We're reluctant to specify that people must post supportively. Supportiveness is something that we value across the whole of MN and we don't want to make it seem as though it's only valued in specific topics. Plus, of course, while we will be happy to deal with anyone posting here in an inflammatory or mean way (ie in ways that break our existing Guidelines), and are happy to gently guide people away from kneejerk soapbox responses, that doesn't mean we'll necessarily delete posts that probe the wider debate about abortion.

I like your proposed waffle!

I think that sounds perfect Rowan. I get that you can't police peoples' attitudes, and that disclaimer just makes the 'feeling' of the topic clear.

Not everyone's going to be 100% supportive, but I think others can largely deal with that; it's the persistent soapbox ranters who pose a barrier to conversation.

Absolutely wonderful to see the new topic in place. Big thanks to MN, and to Thurlow for the thread

Jolly well done Thurlow and others for getting this topic sorted

I had a TFMR last year, and I find myself both wanting to talk about it, and wanting to support others going through the experience of termination, whatever their reasons.
I was in a very similar position to Lab up thread, in that the condition our daughter was suffering from was survivable, but potentially distressing and certainly life-altering for us and her, but the very fact that we had a choice made it feel very different somehow to some of the discussions going on in Antenatal Choices... There are still many people that assume we lost the baby because we didn't want to go into it, but as time has passed I'm now feeling brave enough to tell them the real scenario and luckily I haven't encountered any negativity...
It would be good to get some threads up and running in the topic - maybe something really open where people can discuss their stories?
The suggested waffle is good too HQ

Thurlow your thoughtfulness and insistence have made a small change that will mean a very BIG deal to a lot of people. THANK YOU and thanks Mumsnet