I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

HQ, would it be ok or very, very bad for someone to start a new thread, maybe in Site Stuff, with a decent name and canvassing opinion from a wider audience?

I would assume it would be okay, as this thread isnt directly asking for that, its just where the conversation went?

Hq can forget about it then for a few days too, while theyre all in scotland :)

Just wanted to add my support to the idea of a separate board too.

Also Lab my thoughts are with you for today. I had a termination last year just short of 24 weeks for very similar reasons to you. If you need to chat or anything, please do feel free to pm me.

Thurlow, your post of 20:01 Tuesday is eloquent and covers what needs discussing.

I'm glad HQ are considering it and really hope that we can find a solution.

Somebody start a thread, under the Antenatal choices board, labelled OneInThree. Gives those one in three a place where we can bring them when we find them scattered around the rest of the site. But an inncous name.

Or maybe we need an IWICTA board, similiar to the AIBU, for topics like termination or other divisive subjects with an expectation of support.

There was a time when divorce and adoption and interacial marriage were as socially shameful that no one could speak of them.

I see while i was off unpacking boxes and thinking, i thought up the same thing as others.

I do hope mnhq change third minds on further consideration. I think a separate sub topic would be invaluable for women going through terminations and those who want to reflect on issues raised by past terminations. Not having an area really reinforces the idea that it's something shameful and not to be discussed.

Let us know if you start a thread up in site stuff thurlow. I've come over all campaigny about this now and will head over to join the fun :o

I'm still debating I almost want to dare.someone else to do it!

I agree this would be a very valuable topic.

I would like to comment if/when a site stuff thread is started, please.

please do consider this MNHQ. the posts here are very moving and articulate

Thinking if you, LabMonkey.

Labmonkey, wishing you well today. I'll be thinking of you.

I just wanted to add my support to a dedicated area of mn that is labelled clearly. I appreciate the concern over trolling, but that isn't a good enough reason not to try, imo.

Over 185,00 women in England and Wales had an abortion in 2013. That is nearly 16 women per 1,000 (age 15-44). This is a topic that is highly relevant to women.

There are a couple of posts regarding abortion/unwanted pregnancy in Ethical Dilemmas but again they died out very quickly. And I don't particularly think ED is the right place for the discussion anyway because it's not exactly an ethical dilemma when you're in the position. I think that minimises the desperate feelings that people have.

The more i think about this the more i can see that there is no obvious place for the discussions to go which guarantees that women will get the maximum support. And i don't feel that a running thread would be ideal either because it would be so easy for posts to get lost within it.

Please reconsider, mn.

Also wishing you well labmonkey

Message from HQ this morning:

We're looking in to the possibility of a new topic for terminations, and we'll post on the thread once we've made a decision

I suppose if anyone has any strong opinions then please continue to add to the thread and perhaps report the post so HQ sees what we are all thinking

Thank you HQ.

How about a trial of a new area? It could always be withdrawn down the line.

I agree, winifred. I really do understand HQ's concerns, but I feel it is worth a try at least before making a final decision.

Thank you, HQ!

I'm just home (ended up staying overnight). I just wanted to say thank you for all of your support. My beautiful Poppy was born yesterday and she was perfect, I've had several hours of cuddles before saying goodbye. Although devastating DH and I both felt that when we saw her that we had made the best decision for her.

What a beautiful name, Lab, and I'm relieved to hear that you feel like you have made the right decision. Hope you feel as ok in yourself today as can be expected x

I've worked out what it is that doesn't quite work with the thread title Antenatal Tests/Choice

(I'm not obsessed with this, I promise )

It's the order of the words in the phrase. To me it doesn't scan as Antenatal Tests and Antenatal Choices - it reads as Antenatal Tests followed by the choices that might need to be made.

Does that make sense to anyone but me?

LabMonkey, I am glad you were able to spend some time together yesterday before saying goodbye.

It makes sense to me Thurlow:
Antenatal Tests -> get results of tests -> make choices based on those tests

Sometimes the abortion decision comes before the time that you would be concerned about antenatal testing...

congratulations on poppy lab. i'm so sorry that she couldn't stay and that you have had to go through all of this.

i hope you are being well looked after. much love to you and yours.