I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

Rowan, that sounds perfect - I actually meant exactly what you are going to day, to get the tone of the board across, I just worded it badly!

I just want to say a huge thank you to MN for listening to us, but also to everyone who helped turn my pretty selfish and self-pitying OP into something that will hopefully help other posters. A HUGE thank you to differentnameforthis, darksideofthemoon88, WinifredTheLostDenver, CatKisser, Tevin/PeachOwl, AllYouNeedIsTea, momnipotent, TheWanderingUturus amongst everyone who has posted on this thread, and most importantly to AdamLambsBreath who came up with the idea in the first place and who I know has been hassling HQ constantly.

to everyone in this thread, and I hope that between us we can make the new board a safe place for women who need help.

Yay! Well done thurlow! I know you hadn't intended this result when you started this thread, but I'm glad you stuck with it when the possibility came up. :)

Also hurrah for mumsnet HQ. I always feel a bit proud to be part of mn when I see thoughtful responses like this. It's good to know you are listening :o

Excellent result. And I think the number of posters who have joined this thread to share their experiences, maybe for the first time, is testament to how much a dedicated topic is needed (finally found them)

Roar, I missed you off my list! I'm sorry!

Now someone go and tell the rest of MN that this board exists otherwise they might not notice

This is a great success story. Thanks mn for listening to us. So many of us have found ourselves having to make a very difficult decision and previously there was nowhere that we could safely and confidently discuss it. We no longer need to feel isolated. As someone upthread put it, it is a small thing that will make a big difference.

I hope this board is easy for women to find when they need it.

Well done op and ladies it's great that you have achieved a new topic with this thread.

Huge thanks to Thurlow and the many others for fighting for this and to MNHQ for making it happen.

Thanks Thurlow...and thanks to everyone else.

MNHQ, thanks for your about change & making this possible.

and [cuppa] or for all

opps!

Cheers Thurlow

Huge respect to everyone on this thread - this is a fantastic result!

I will be scouring MN for termination-related threads in need of assistance and PMing those who may find this topic helpful.

I hope that between us we can make the new board a safe place for women who need help: yes, definitely. With enough kind, reasonable people around we can make sure this topic becomes a haven.

MN at its best

Group hug! Thanks very much all; we're really happy that you're happy.

Bit late to the party but huge thanks to all the amazing women on this thread. I'm awed at the support and strength here and so glad we have a space where we can extend that strength and support.

I've found my old thread and asked MNHQ to move it here if appropriate. I'm hoping it'll be useful to someone else.

Hello, can I join?

I had a termination at 11 weeks back in May and I'm still finding it hard to come to terms with.

I'm 41 and the pregnancy was a complete surprise (genuine contraception failure). We have DD who was 14mo and quite poorly at the time (nothing serious as it turned out, but we were very worried back then).

We had initially decided to go ahead (well, I had. DP was not enthusiastic at all, but respected my right to make the decision and was supportive), I had told my very good friend (who was 10 weeks ahead of me, just like she was on our first pregnancies) and was getting my head around the idea of having 2.

Then DD got ill. We were so worried, I missed loads of work to get to hospital appointments, to look after her etc and broke down in tears pretty much every day. DP brought up the idea of a termination again, and said that he really did not want another child. I spent hours trying to rationalise it all in my head, trying to cut through all the crap to find out what I really wanted. We talked for hours one night and I think I made him realise that I needed to make the decision for me and for no-one else. What this basically meant was that he accepted once again the prospect of another child.

That left me free to really think hard about what I wanted. I weighed up everything and eventually decided that I didn't think I could cope with the worry of another child. DD was still ill and it was all very raw. I had the termination a week or so later.

It was a medical termination and I remember desperately trying to get out of the hospital before I broke down on the day I took the first pill. I sat in my car and howled for about an hour. Two days later I had the actual procedure which was ok.

Since then I've been ok, my friend who was still pregnant and I meet up regularly since our daughters are similar ages. I have coped with her pregnancy fine. Then she had her daughter last Thursday. I am delighted for her, and part of me is still glad that I don't have the newborn stage to do again. But another part of me bursts into tears at the thought of never having another, of never POAS again, and at the thought that I would be nearly 32 weeks by now.

I had a termination years ago which was absolutely the right decision at the time (crap bloke, crap life situation etc) but this feels very different. I feel guilt at not giving DD a sibling and I feel self-pity for me that I will not have another baby.

Does this get easier? Sometimes I want to be pregnant again, sometimes I'm glad I'm not. What a mess.

notaflamingclue, and hello.

I don't know if it gets easier. I suppose everyone will have different levels. I do know that despite knowing that my termination was completely and utterly the right thing to do at that time, the past few months as I have hit both the point where that baby would have been born and the anniversary of the termination have been more difficult - in fact, hence this thread. So many of my friends have quite recently had or are having DC2. That makes me feel... funny. I can't quite explain it. I suppose the fact that it was a pretty common time to have DC2 confused the matter.

I'm finding my emotions are calming down a bit as this time is passing. You have barely had a few months since your termination, it must still be very, very raw for you. But we're all here to listen and share and support x

Thanks Thurlow. What makes it all the harder to bear is that probably, if DD had never been ill, I would still be pregnant. That is something that particularly sticks in my throat. But what if it was a blessing in disguise after all?

It's interesting what you say about 'key dates', i.e. due date, anniversary etc. I know what you mean about feeling 'funny'. That's how I felt when my friend texted me 2 hours after having her DD last week. I cried a bit, from happiness for her but mostly also out of self-pity.

I'm relieved to hear how emotions calm down and I'm glad you're feeling better as time goes by. Thank you for the support.

All you can do is make the best decision at the time with the information you had, which is what you did. I'm sure for many people, if things had been a bit different (maybe a job after a period of unemployment that came a bit too late) then they might have thought differently. Or maybe they would have thought the same. You can never know, only do your best , and it is very recent so be kind to yourself.

All you can do is make the best decision at the time with the information you had

Absolutely this!

In my experience, 5yrs on...yes emotions do calm down, but my circumstances were different. I DID NOT want to do it again. Dd2 was 6mths, I was accidentally pregnant. I had asked the dr to sterilise me at dd2 section. I was refused.

At my 6week check, I asked for a referral (hospital said this was best) my dr refused, on the grounds that I was an emotional new mum reacting to a stressful birth (it was an elective section & not at all stressful). I did try to prevent it. But it still happened.

I terminated at 9 weeks. I woke up (surgical) in tears to the nurses telling me not to feel guilty, but I said I felt relief. I felt guilt too, but that guilt was because I ONLY felt relief.

My friend was also pregnant at the time, but she was my biggest supporter. Her dc was born a couple of months before mine would have been & I honestly have NO regrets. I didn't want three children & pregnancy wasn't easy for me.

I did grieve & received some counselling where someone told me that I have every right to do so. I do still get caught out (reading notaflamingclue's post for example) but my tears are not for what I don't have, they are for me, that I was forced into that situation. And for you guys, who are still struggling. Because I still remember that time so well.

I wish this was a real life support group sometimes, not a virtual one.

I had a termination twenty four years ago.
I have never regretted it or given it a moments thought as it was the right thing to do.
Friends were having a conversation recently about teenagers getting pregnant ( we all have teens) and what our reaction would be.
I was very open about saying I would not want dd to have a baby at a young age and would support her in a termination. Dome were quite shocked, and it made me realise that they would be quite appalled if they knew I'd had one.
I am waiting for dd to ask me if I've ever had one...I will be honest and say yes.

I had a termination on 27 November 2000 and I hate this time of year as it reminds me and I feel desolate. I had got my bfp on oct 2 that year and every year since then from that date I feel sad.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to forget but I wish I didn't feel this bad after all this time.

Hedgehog

I know how you feel

I've been lurking and just wanted to say that being 'pro-life' isn't always incompatible with having compassion and understanding for someone who decides to terminate.

I have supported a friend who TFMR, cherished her photos of her beautiful child. Shared her story with her.

Just because I have a personal conviction doesn't stop my ability to see why another feels that for them, termination is the best decision, or only decision.

I hope you all may feel that you can talk about it. If you don't, the panicked thread of a newly pregnant lady is simply filled with both extremes - "I could never...." vs "It's no big deal....." Balanced discussion would be more helpful, I'm sure.

Hi lougle, thanks for bringing your perspective.

I think that balanced discussion in exactly what people want to achieve in this topic. Lots of the chat is about women feeling divided over what path to take, and for that reason a variety of perspectives is a good thing. Like you say, as long as everyone shows compassion and understanding there's no 'right' or 'wrong' answer.

The thread that ends up filled with extremes is not helpful, because those opinions are given from a place of strong personal belief which doesn't pay any attention to the poster. Whether that's saying 'It's wrong, full stop', or 'Just do it and stop worrying about it', that's the kind of thing we're trying to get away from, I think.

Hedgehog, I'm sorry you still feel like this 14 years on. Would it help to talk a little more about it with us? I think it's okay to remember it every year. Perhaps you could do something significant to mark it each year-light a candle, say a prayer? It depends what you feel may be helpful.

MrsDavidBowie I've often wondered about telling my children if they ask. Would I? I don't know to be honest. I think I'd find it very difficult to lie to my children if asked outright but its not something i would volunteer to tell them. I'd also need to trust 100% that they wouldn't let it slip to other family members as.its not something I shared with anyone except dh.

I know for sure that having gone through it myself I wouldn't hesitate to support my dcs through the same. Before my abortion I was 'pro choice but...'. Now I'm firmly pro choice.