I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

It was such a traumatic time, I always have a Fear that if I open up about it (I tend to bottle things up) that I will be overcome with grief as at the time I didn't deal with it.
I had counselling a few years after but always held back, I think I spoke about it as if I was recalling it happening to somebody else.

I was 18 and because of hyperemesis had split up with my boyfriend (he thought I was being dramatic) and I moved back home. I hung on for as long as I could but DM made it very clear if I didn't terminate I would have nowhere to live. I tried everything but she would not come round to the idea and due to the hg I was vulnerable and not thinking straight.
I eventually had the termination at nearly 14 weeks. It was dreadful, I didn't want to do it and it was traumatic.
I remember afterwards lying on the floor at my mums whilst she phoned round with the 'good news'.

I recently tried to find out what had happened to my baby as DM had told me at the time it had been thrown in the incinerator. I had hoped it had been cremated somewhere but sadly not so I assume DM was right which breaks my heart even after all this time and probably will forever.

Differentnameforthis I also wish this was a real life support group and not just a virtual one.

Hedgehog What an awful experience. No wonder you're so haunted by it all these years later. You were young, scared, vulnerable, ill and bullied. It sounds like a truly horrific experience. I'm so so sorry.

Abortion is difficult even when it's the woman's own choice. To be forced into it is unimaginable cruelty.

Have you ever been able to talk only to your mum about it? I don't suppose it.would be a very easy conversation to have and probably wouldn't bring you any closure.

Have you had any children since? Sorry if my questions are insensitive. Feel free to ignore if you don't want to answer.

When i had my abortion i signed consent form for the 'products of conception' to be cremated which i think is probably a nice term for incinerated. I'm not aware that they do anything significant with the ashes. As it happens my pregnancy sac ended up down the toilet which i feel incredibly sad about.

Counselling is something that can be revisited even years later if you feel you still have issues you need to resolve. Is that an option?

You're absolutely entitled to grieve for your loss. Do you think it would be helpful to mark the anniversary somehow? Planting a tree may found trite but it's the kind of thing that some find helpful.

You've been really brave to post about your experience here. Do keep posting if you find it helpful

Its fine, answering questions feels more helpful than counselling where I was expected to do most of the talking but couldn't.
DM made it clear it was never to be discussed.ever. If I tried while I still lived at home she would walk out to avoid it.

After the termination in the nov I was pregnant again the following feb and have four dcs now.
One year (2004) i planted bluebells as they'd come back every year and I could remember. DM dug them all up though so after that I didn't do anything else to mark the anniversary except some years go to church and light a candle.

I just hate this time of year, the days getting shorter, the sunlight through the autumn leaves, the chill in the air reminds me and I feel like I'm back there again. Every single year I feel this way and I often get out the box with my scan photos and baby clothes I'd got for the baby and I cry and cry

I'm so sorry for the way you've been treated by your dm. I almost cried when i read that she dug up your bluebells. She obviously thinks the best thing is to forget about it completely. It may best best for her but it's not for you and you're the important one.

I'm glad that you went on to have a family but i understand that having children doesn't lessen the sadness you feel about the abortion. Did the HG get better with your subsequent pregnancies or were you more able to manage it?

I wish i knew what to suggest that would be helpful to you. It's okay to feel sad around this time of year when you specifically remember but it's a shame if the grief is so crippling after all this time. Ideally it would be good if you could find some peace somehow. I think the circumstances of the abortion have a lot to do with you feeling unable to recover emotionally. I don't know a lot about these things but i don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that your experiences resulted in post traumatic stress.

Do you have anyone in rl that you can talk to about it or have you been conditioned to keep it all in?

I had HG with my pregnancies with dd1, ds1 and dd2 but with my last (ds2) I just had bad morning sickness and only needed medication for a couple of weeks. The worst hg was with dd2 it was hell. In a way I saw it as punishment.

I don't really talk about it with anyone except dh. Even then I hold back as if I take myself back there its too much and I worry I will have some kind of breakdown.

I totally understand the punishment thing. I'm currently pregnant following a termination and whenever there's an issue with myself or baby i feel it's punishment. That's not how life works though.

I just wonder if it's healthy for you to keep everything so bottled up? I understand you're trying to protect yourself from an emotional breakdown but maybe you need to let it out somehow? Only you know what's best for you, though.

I had a termination 30 years ago this year. I did not and do not regret it because it was the right thing to do at the time. I have never had children and to be honest was a bit anxious about joining this site because of that. However, having read some of the posts I felt that I had finally found a place where I could talk and not be judged. It was a long time before I could allow myself to accept that you can feel deep sadness about the circumstances of an event without regretting your decision. I have devoted my career to caring for other peoples children and am a completely fulfilled auntie. I agree that not regretting a termination is a huge taboo. Why are all the words so ugly? I have always felt ( and forgive me if I am wrong in this) that if you then went on to have children then you had in some way served your penance. If you did not, then you had no right to articulate your feelings and should just grin and put up with whatever turmoil you felt. I was only just 18 when I became pregnant. My boyfriend was the same age and we were both about to leave home for college. We faced it together and did not tell our families until there was no option. The health service treated us like criminals and the red tape delay meant that I was nearly 3 months when I finally had my termination. If anyone is reading this and considering a termination may I recommend the BPAS because they are kind and non-judgemental.
I feel very strongly that a women should not be made to feel guilty for the choice that she makes - it is NEVER easy whatever your circumstances.

I am nearly 48 now and will not have children of my own. I am at peace with this for the reasons that I gave earlier. However, I have often thought of the baby's father and much more so during the last year. When we left home we agreed that we would remain friends ( we had not been together for long and decided not to try to maintain a long distance romantic relationship) and met up during college holidays when we were always really pleased to see each other but we never really talked - we were both so young. Sadly, after one holiday everything caught up with me and I just froze emotionally and lost touch with him. It was all my fault. I found out later that he had been very, very hurt by this. Part of me would love to get in touch with him to tell him just how much I cared for him and how much I appreciated his kindness and support even though we have not seen each other for nearly 29 years. He was a lovely person. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you cope with it? What did you do?

I am aware that I have wandered a bit from your post. Please do not feel guilty about your choice. You will feel many emotions and sometimes you might question yourself. Don 't try to block the feelings - just let them come and work through them. But please, remember, you made a decision that takes immense courage that many people are not called upon to show.

Take care of yourself.

Hi susannah, and welcome What a beautifully eloquent post, and I'm glad you're at one with your decision. You're right, it's almost the act of "being at one" with a decision like this that feels so taboo. I'm so pleased we're all finding a space where we can talk about this openly.

Hi everyone im new here and havent ever posted on here before.
Im 27 years old. With 3 children one age 7, 4 and 2.
I had a termination 10 weeks ago and have struggled tremendously with the guilt. I regret my decision for the fact that it just makes me hate who i am.
2 of my childe have heart defects. My youngest my son has a very major defect and requires hospital stays and open heart surgeries throughtout his life. His first was when he was 3 weeks old.
I was told that my changes for another child with a heart defect increases each time. And with my son being very young and needing me i decide to end the pregnancy. Not only this i get hyperemisis also in my pregnancys.
I hate myself for what i have done.
But i was so overwhelmed to be away from my kids again in in hospitals like we was for over a month when my son was small.
I think years down the line when its better timing for me and my family id like another. But then feel im very horrible for this.
Just looking for some support and advice really x

@Findinghappiness You are not horrible and should try not to feel guilty (not easy I know). It sounds like you have a huge amount to deal with, and you're a great mum putting the needs of your DCs first. It's completely understandable why you made this decision. It's a year since I had a termination, and I went through the same feelings of hating myself and thinking I was a terrible person. I'm now in a much better place and know I made the right decision in really difficult circumstances - that's all I can ask of myself. You have done the right thing for your family. It's still early days and you need to give yourself time to get over it. Please be kind to yourself.

I feel like such a terrible mum. I dont think ill ever feel like a good mum ever again.
Im really glad you are in a much better place now x

I felt just the same as you. I did see my GP who was great, very supportive and helped me to access some counselling which really helped me. Could you see your GP? You will get there X.

I am currently waiting for my councilling that my gp has arranged for me. I was so bad last week i went to my a&e to speak to a mental health professional.
I keep thinking of little newborn babies.
Did you find the counselling really helped you alot?? Xx

It did, it just helped me to control my thinking and gave me some techniques that helped when I was really struggling. It was also just a relief to talk to someone completely independent. It was the start of me moving on, it did take a while and I still have the odd bad day, but much more rarely now. I really hope it helps you too. You are not alone and you have done nothing wrong. X

whereto I am glad to read that you are in a better place a year on. Can I ask where did you have counselling, was it Bpas? Or an independent counsellor and how did you find them if so?

I was fortunate that I was able to access counselling via my employer. It was over the telephone and I think maybe face to face would have been better but it was still very helpful. My GP did give me some other options to access counselling but there would have been a longer wait.

It just felt like it gave me permission to get on with my life. I realised that all the time and energy i was using thinking about what I'd done (which I couldn't change and had done for a valid reason) I could be using to focus on what I had. I realised I was missing out on precious time with my family, because my mind was elsewhere. I really try to value and enjoy every day now. My family need and deserve that (and so do I). X

Thank you whereto - really good to know. Although I do currently feel a lot better than I did, I am worried how I will cope if I have another bad spell. Like you I feel I just need to move on for the sake of my family and stop focusing on what I don’t have. Thank you for sharing.