I wish it was easier to talk about terminations (apologies if upsetting)

[Thurlow]

It feels like it is one of the great taboos and I don't dare talk about it IRL.

It's playing on my mind as I had a termination just under a year ago, so newborn babies are a bit of a touchy spot at the moment.

I am comfortable that we made the right decision but as a 30-something mum in a long term relationship, I know it is not a common choice nor it is one that many people might even understand or approve of.

But knowing it was the right decision doesn't mean I have completely forgotten about it or that I don't ever want to talk about it. I had the counseling that was offered, I am fine with my choice - but it's still there.

But I feel like I can't talk about. Sadly, many of my friends are going through problems TTCing right now, including some very, very tragic experiences. I know the most inappropriate thing I could ever say to them would be to tell them I terminated a potentially healthy baby.

99.9% of the time it is no problem but every now and again, people ask me when we might think about having another DC, or I feel I am in a conversation where I am essentially lying and dancing around the subject. I nearly mentioned it completely by accident to a very good friend the other day, a friend who would probably be very upset if she heard about it.

Why does it feel like such an awful taboo? Selfishly, why do I feel like I have to keep this secret from people? I feel like even those who wouldn't be personally hurt by the decision would probably be 'disappointed' that I made that decision, or perhaps think less of me.

It's even taken me a while to be open about this under my usual username. How bad is that?

I might be sensitive about this at the moment, but sometimes it feels as though "you made that decision, you live with it".

Is it just me? Does anyone else understand?

(Sorry this is a bit waffly...)

I'm glad you were able to spend time with your daughter, lab, and also that you're at peace with the decision. You did the best you could do for everyone

That's how I've always read it too, Thurlow. Antenatal tests and the choices that subsequently follow as a result.

Hello

Very sorry for the hiatus while lots of people were absent for the Scottish referendum webchat.

First off, to reiterate: we absolutely agree that abortion is a massively important topic, that MNers should feel absolutely free to post about it, and that it's a shame if anyone is being put off from doing so because they're not sure where to do it.

We can also see, on reflection, that people might prefer not to use Antenatal Tests and Choices for this, as threads in there tend to be related to worrying results from antenatal tests, which (of course) isn't the only reason women consider terminating a pregnancy.

So how about we rename Antenatal Tests and Choices 'Antenatal tests', and add a new topic for 'Pregnancy choices'?

We could give this a go, have a look at year-end to see whether it's being well-used, and review the situation then.

We appreciate that not everyone will agree with 'termination' and/or 'abortion' not appearing in the topic title - please bear with us while we explain our reasoning.

Mumsnet is a highly indexed site in Google, which means that pages and topics on Mumsnet tend to shoot to the top of search rankings fairly quickly. We anticipate that once a dedicated Mumsnet topic area for 'abortion' starts appearing highly in Google search results, we would experience a sustained and ongoing invasion from people determined to post with an anti-abortion agenda - which would lead to the least useful outcome of all, ie women looking for thoughtful support and instead getting soapbox responses from single-issue posters who have no investment in MN at all.

Our feeling at the moment is that naming the topic with a mind to that isn't being 'defeated' by trolls - it's choosing the course that's most likely to result in a supportive and constructive topic, which (we think) is what success would look like.

But as ever, let us know what you think.

Thanks
MNHQ

I think this is a fair compromise, personally, and welcome the clarification re: google and trolls. I think this is a really positive thing and I wasn't expecting this outcome, so thank you, Rowan.

YES! I think that's fair and I'm pleased with your decision. Thankyou.

Just found this thread while I was searching for anywhere on this site at all where there may be a safe space to talk about abortion. I am so glad that this space is being considered.

Thanks for coming back to this rowan!

I think that seems a sensible compromise that could work for everyone. Thanks! :)

PS. Just heard them talking about the mn webchat on radio 4 so guessing it went well :o

Thanks so much for considering this so carefully, mnhq. Good compromise

LabMonkey I'm sorry you had to say goodbye to Poppy but I'm so glad you were able to spend some time with her and pleased to hear it confirmed for you that you'd made the right decision for your daughter. Thinking of you

Thank you, MN, for listening to everyone. That sounds like a great compromise and splitting it from the tests should hopefully make a big decision.

Is there a way to maybe move previous threads over into the topic? I think while the name doesn't 100% give it away to a poster trying to find the right section, it is certainly near enough to make them click on it, and if the threads within it talk about terminations and the like then that will tell them they are in the right place?

We could move this thread over, for example. Perhaps other people can think of a thread or two to start. Otherwise the only thing I can think of is to find older threads where people did get support and perhaps PM the poster to ask them if they would mind their thread being moved to help support other women?

LabMonkey

Rowan - how about Pregnancy Choices and Support - just to get the "Support" in there?

But broadly v pleased with your response!

Also, thank you to everyone for posting on here and sharing and turning what initially began as a rather self-pitying and selfish whine into something not just productive, but hopefully helpful for other women making difficult situations.

It has made me feel so much better about my experience, actually. Maybe I still won't feel comfortable talking to my friends about it, but something positive has still come out of the experience, and thank you again to MN for supporting that.

Sounds like an excellent decision MNHQ

Agree about moving previous threads into that topic

Great result. Thanks HQ.

And thanks to Thurlow for starting the thread.

Rowan - thank you. This thread has been a lifeline for me this week. X

There's a poster in Pregnancy at the moment who could certainly do with some support. The thread is titled 'wanting a baby after abortion'.

I'm not as good with advice and words as some of you, although i do try! If anyone feels up to it could you perhaps.pop over? And maybe that thread could be moved to the new section once it's up and running.

[Flowers] Lab I'm glad this thread has helped and I think you are so brave.

I am thinking about moving my thread once the new topic is up and running. It'd almost a year old now but I definitely had termination in the title. I'm so glad you started this Thurlow, it's amazing to see how many of us needed it! [Thanks]

That would be wonderful, peach - filling the topic would help give it a tone.

Hopefully HQ might have some ideas too about how to fill the topic a little bit. I'll definitely ask for this thread to be moved. I think my original one was too long ago (in Chat).

What a wonderful idea.

Too often MN gets filled up with tripe and goady nonsense.

Threads like this remind me why I joined and stayed.

I have never had an abortion but being pregnant made me even more resolute that it HAD to be a personal choice unique to THAT situation. I think what lab has shared here says just that.

All these threads about scarves, haircuts, parking and naice ham are fine but threads like this are what it is really all about.

Thanks MNHQ, that sounds really good. I understand completely about the indexing issue with the words 'termination/abortion'. Hopefully if there are a few of us from this thread floating around MN, we'll also be able to talk to people who may not be getting the support they need in other areas, and let them know that 'Pregnancy Choices' might be a good place for them to talk.

You're right passme, I spend a lot of time pissing about on MN and making silly jokes, but the reason I started using it (and a lot of the reason I continue) was because I really, really needed it, and the support women get here marks it out above other forums.

I'm so happy that there's going to be a change I think it'll make a lot of difference for a lot of women.

What a great thread.

Thanks MNHQ.

Lab, I am so pleased that you got to spend time with your little girl, and so sorry it was so brief.

MNHQ, THANK YOU for listening & giving us a place to talk & offer/get support.

Sweet dreams little Poppy, lab

And thank you to mnhq :)

I really wanted to just thank Thurlow too, having followed the thread with interest.
I've been a regular but rarely-posting member for more than six years and so when we got the diagnosis of foetal abnormalities at 14 weeks after a CVS (much the same result as Lab I suspect), my third or so thought was to come to MN. However, searching through antenatal tests/choices all I found were, at best platitudes about how it would all work out for the best, at worst comments such as "if you're not prepared to bring up a severely disabled child, you should never get pregnant" and accusing women who had TFMRs of thinking all disabled people were utterly worthless.
So I kept quiet.
I would have benefitted so much from somewhere to talk about our decision, which, again, like Lab, wasn't some knee jerk reaction about only wanting a "perfect" baby, but the result of a lot of thinking and crying over what was best for everyone in the family, not just now but ten, 20 years down the line.
This is the first time I've said all this, I just quietly left the ante-natal thread, but I do think it's a massive part of many women's experiences and it's vital to have somewhere to discuss it on MN.
I'd really like to give out some flowers, especially to Lab and Thurlow, but can't work out how to on my phone.
But thanks...