Hate feeling like public property

[Pregasaurusrex]

Wanting general opinions. I am pregnant with my first ( just approaching 20 weeks) and am getting sick of feeling like I'm public property. My FIL lifted my jumper to look at my "lump" and then pronounced I was "overweight". I'm not and have only put on four pounds. He is also ginormous. DH's grandmother then proceeded to grab me by the wrist and look me up and down for five minutes to "assess if the babies healthy". They both upset me if I'm being honest. I'm struggling being pregnant and working full time job a full on job. I could quite happily curl up under the duvet and sleep until the baby arrived. Is it just me being sensitive- or does anyone else feel like public property?!

Oh my God that would have made me furious! I dont think I'd have been able to stop a reflex punch in his face. How dare he lift up your top - let alone comment. Fuck the fuck off!!!

That's ridiculous, they both sound like assholes. I'd stick to pulling away and saying "Don't touch me please."

Thank God it is not just me. I thought I was being precious! In general, they are being arseholes. MIL has Parkinsons and is lovely. FIL, laughs at name choices and calls them ridiculous and says things like, " Well, we won't get a look in with your parents." And "you will just sit there with a boob out." I am such a private person that all this feels like a horrid invasion. Whilst also not being in control of my own body/mind. It makes me not want to see them until I am back to my usual fiesty self!

Good god! He's so rude. Can your DH have a word? I'd be incredibly uncomfortable if my FIL did that. My FIL is known for his loud opinions - my SILs and I have several tricks.

1. Totally calling him out on what he says, and not removing eye contact. He gets v uncomfortable v quickly.
2. Laugh and do a smiley voice when he's rude.

Your problem is your dh's family. Explain to your dh how you are feeling and ensure his support with his family and try to think through some assertive phrases you would be comfortable using in similar circumstances to get them to understand it is inappropriate behaviour.

"Perhaps I should look and see what you have under your top dFIL."
"I think you'll find that actual scans are more effective for assessing the health of a baby than staring at the mother!"

And "you will just sit there with a boob out."

Big smile: "Yes, that's how breastfeeding works! I'm SO glad you understand and are supportive of my choice to breastfeed, thanks fatass FIL!"

(Assuming you are BFing, of course!)

I will breastfeed. But weirdly, he knows that public breastfeeding ( massive respect to those who can) would be my idea of hell. DH has spoken to him, about something else I was struggling with. Instead of respecting him/me, he chose to bring it up in the middle of a family meal that I cooked. I was mortified to say the least. He in general is very rude. As in pulled down wall paper in our new house to see what was underneath. We then had to live in a crack den... It is just so weird- it's like he's jealous of us? Does things like look up my parents house on Google and then go on about how he's going to go and knock on their door. Why?!

He sounds fucking nuts.

But I get all that - my point is, people like that get off on knowing they've made you uncomfortable. That's what all this is designed to do - make you uncomfortable. So don't show him, and he'll hopefully lose interest.

Alternatively, go batshit and storm out and go NC (my preferred option)

That's exactly what it is. He likes making me feel uncomfortable. The pregnancy is just a context for him to do this. He's already coming to the hospital apparently. Over my dead body! If I'm not up for It, they can "just take the baby into the waiting room to meet everyone. " Hah- sureeee! Think I will stick to that tactic and ignore everyone else who gives me advice!

I think you need to get your husband to be very clear about what is acceptable and what is not. As soon as they do something unacceptable you and your husband leave.

In big letters write no visitor from Smith family on your notes and blutack a piece of paper with the same on your hospital door.

Can I do that? What if they sneak in- genuinely wouldn't surprise me. Is it just me that has a lovely MIL, but an arsey FIL?

Yes you can - tell your midwives on the ward who is and who isn't allowed in to see you. Most postnatal wards are accessed controlled now anyway - so as long as the staff are clear about who is and isn't welcome, you should be fine. Same for labour ward - just be very clear about who you don't want there. There is always the option of not telling them anything is happening until after the baby is born as well - that's the option we went for as it meant we could focus on us and didn't have to worry about anyone else's concerns/questions/interest.

I'm planning an ELCS, so I suppose I could just not tell them when the date is! Announce the baby's arrival two days later when I'm not hooked up to a catheter and hours out of an operation! Hopefully visitor numbers will be limited!

He sounds like a total arse. I found the midwives good at keeping out unwanted visitors.. I've had years without contact with my Dad. He randomly turned up at the hospital (outwith visiting hours) when I was in with DS.. The midwives kept him away as I didn't want him coming in.