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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Not telling people that youve gone into labour

19 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/06/2015 14:12

I have stupidly told friends and family my due date. I really dont want my mum there when i give birth. She expects to be there. We havent had the conversation about it but i know she thinks she will be there despite me not having asked her or mentioned it at all. She was there with my sisters two but DS is single.

I will have DH with me. I have finally convinced him that i dont want DM there (god knows why he thought i would)

Just wondering if anyone has any experience if just not telling til after the event? I realise she will be texting every two minutes to see if anything is happening so hope i dont go overdue.

I cant cope with the 'poor me' miserable face and put on sadness so dont want to tell her in advance.

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fanjodisfunction · 19/06/2015 14:20

even if you do tell her she can't force her way into the labour suite. you have final say whose in there with you.

does your husband drive? if he does and you go into spontaneous labour then they don't need to know. even if they do know the due date. and phones can always get turned off.
I would have a thing where I would text her in the morning around the due date and say all good today and the. turn the phone off.

if you are induced then still she doesn't need to know the date.

Mcbw · 19/06/2015 14:25

My DM passed away a few weeks before getting pg. (she would have been there for the birth). This resulted in DP's DM and Lots of friends / cousins / aunties offering to be present.
On the initial offer I felt rude declining, however as time went on I felt it necessary to be upfront and honest saying I didn't want anyone other that DP there. And I was being 100% honest that it was bad enough having DP there never mind adding anyone else to the equation. (Said in a jokey way). If you can pluck up the courage to say no If advise you to do so, it will save you further unconfortable conversations and stress nearer the time.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/06/2015 14:52

Sorry about your mum mcbw. If she had asked i would say no. But she hasn't and I don't really want to bring it up.

DH does drive so will hopefully be taking me to hospital. I have Dsis if its not at school run time, MIL - several people who would drive me if need be.

There's a possibility of elcs due to breech baby. I'm almost hoping for it actually as it will be over and done with before anyone need know!

Don't get me wrong, I get on with mum and we generally have a good relationship. Butter I gain no comfort from her in stressful situations. I end up annoyed and she has a habit of making it all about her, so not the best birthing partner!

OP posts:

Frillsandspills · 19/06/2015 15:08

I don't blame you. I love my mum to bits but I don't want her there during my labour and birth. Only because I don't think her showering me with affection and concern would be what I need as I can imagine me to be a right moody so and so. Plus she tends to fuss over me a lot wanting to check I'm ok, but she's aware and agreed to wait in the waiting room for family rather than in the room with me.

How about when you're in labour giving her a quick text basically saying you're in labour, your partner is with you and you'll let her know when you're home or when visiting times are? So she knows it'a not an option for her to be there while you give birth. Alternatively just tell her that due to the possibility of an elective c section you don't want to organise any other birth partner than your husband

HazleNutt · 19/06/2015 15:18

I really don't understand people (even if they are our own mothers) who would barge into delivery rooms, when they have been told not to come.

Tell her again and clearly, that only DH will be there and you have given the hospital clear orders, that nobody else will be allowed in.

hullabaloo234 · 19/06/2015 15:20

I'm going in for induction tomorrow and bar the person looking after DC1 for us we've told no one. Made the mistake of this last time and my induction tool 3 days...3 days of CONSTANT calls and texts for updates- my DM was even harassing the delivery suite when I didn't answer my mobile, it was awful! Will keep quiet until the baby is here and then I'll let everyone know.
I'm also not having anyone over to visit for the first few days/week as last time I was bombarded with visitors and really want time for the four of us to bond as a family first, enjoy our little bubble for a while
You need to do what works for you, and if your DM loves you she will need to respect that ad handle it graciously regardless of how she feels about it. Hope it all works out the way you want it to OP

Socalled · 19/06/2015 15:20

Not only did I not tell anyone I'd gone into labour, I didn't have any visitors for three weeks after my son was born. Do precisely what feels right.

TinyMonkey · 19/06/2015 15:23

I had an ELCS due to breech and didn't tell any family the date, despite coming under a lot of pressure to spill. We told them which week it was, then maintained radio silence until the baby was here. Worked a treat! Good luck.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 19/06/2015 15:24

I was actually at my parents' house when I went into labour the first time. But we told noone else.

Didn't tell anyone with my other labours either. You never really know how long it's going to take, no point people worrying about it. As it turned out I didn't have time for anything other than labouring!

You don't have to tell her.

Hippymama1 · 19/06/2015 15:25

It might be easier just to tell her Nottalotta - I have been blunt with my family and in laws and told them that we will not be calling anyone when I go into labour, don't want any visitors at the hospital and will be letting them know when the baby has arrived and when they can visit us at home.

There has been some backlash (my mum has asked me 4 times if I will contact her when I go into labour despite me being very clear that I will not be calling anyone and explaining the reasons why) in general, they have accepted it, because they have to.

This is your baby and your labour - let them have the miserable face and put on sadness if that's how they want to behave... It's not about them it's about you.

24hourM0MMY · 19/06/2015 15:37

This is your first opportunity to take charge and put your foot down. This might sound a bit mean, but mum's and relative's in general (in my experience) can expressly disregard your wishes and do things you don't want them to such as: wake your baby up when you need them to sleep, feed them things you don't want them eating, let them watch tv you don't want them watching...generally do as the please because they feel they can. Not everyone, but I have had this happen to me. Take charge, beginning with the birth, and make sure people respect your wishes. No one but you and your DH has any right to make decisions about your family, specially not the births. You're a mother already to this child, so you do/say what you need to ensure your experience with the birth is how you want it.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/06/2015 15:54

Thanks for all of your replies. My issue with bringing it up now is that I will have to cope with the constant disappointment/guilt trips for the next 6+ weeks. I'm not sure she will bring it up herself, as she may finally be realising that DH and I are our own family and I don't 'need' her in the same way Dsis does.

I am positive that if i tell her i am in labour she will turn up.

If i have the elcs i winter be telling anyone that its booked. I'm just going to let them think all is going ahead for a natural birth and then tell them after the event.

The thought of DM accepting anything like this graciously is laughable!!

I am pretty good at putting my foot down with her and will if utter comes up, i just don't want this issue to cloud my last few weeks before baby comes. She will soon get over it inception the baby is here.

OP posts:

knittingirl · 19/06/2015 15:56

I have a fabulous relationship with my Mum, but no way would I want her, or anyone apart from DH, near me when I'm giving birth.

With ds1, our plan was not to tell anyone until the baby arrived. I wasn't worried about anyone showing up, but I didn't want to be in labour thinking that people were worrying about me. In the end I was in the early stage of labour for days and really wanted my Mum's support so she came up for a few hours, but went home before I went into hospital.

This time around, my Mum will know again as she will be babysitting ds, but I don't plan on letting anyone else know until the baby has arrived.

I think it's pretty common not to let people know to be honest - it's not like anyone can do anything to help, all they can do is sit at home and worry. Much easier to just present them with a fait accompli.

You are the only person who can decide who you will feel comfortable having with you in the delivery room - and make sure that you are totally happy with that choice. No one else's needs or wants trump yours in this situation. If you do bring it up, I wouldn't do it in a confrontational "just so you know you won't be there" way, I would approach it more from a discussion about your plans way - "have been packing my hospital bag, had to make sure dh knows where everything is in it because obviously he'll be the one getting things out of it for me when I'm in labour...".

TaurielTest · 19/06/2015 16:07

IMO not telling until after the event can be better all round. I spent a long time before I had DS1 fretting about who I might phone at what point in labour - though there was no question of my mum being present. In the event, I saw my parents for dinner the previous evening with no signs of impending labour (39 weeks), went into labour in the small hours, and was on the phone to them by late morning to say "it's a boy!" - things were sufficiently fast and furious that the whole question didn't arise, I have no idea if my or DP's phones were even on or not.

Don't let the threat of her sulking 'clouding' your time stop you from asserting yourself. As PP have said, expecting people to respect your wishes as a parent starts now. Good luck!

CityDweller · 19/06/2015 17:06

Just don't tell anyone/ her when you go into labour. If she sends annoying texts or calls incessantly around the due date just answer them politely saying something like 'still no sign, am trying not to think about it and distracting myself by doing x'

I went 13 days 'overdue' and the 'any sign of baby yet' texts absolutely made my blood boil. They tended to be from child-free friends, who understandably are clueless about how frustrating those last days/ weeks of pregnancy can be. But, even so, it took all my strength not to reply simply saying either 'fuck off' or 'oh yes, sorry, it slipped out a couple of weeks ago but I forgot to mention it.'

Littlemissjt · 20/06/2015 23:22

My midwife at anti natal this week told us to blame them and just tell mums/sisters or anyone else that we've been told by them that it's only one person allowed and they will turn away anyone else who turns up. You could try that and then it's not as though it has come from you directly.

seriouslynonames · 20/06/2015 23:39

We didn't tell anyone I'd gone into labour with DD, just a quick text to both DM and DMIL after the event, and a call (DH called both) a few hours later.
No visitors for a few days either.

This time we will need DM to look after DD so can't really keep it a secret from her! Although she is pretty reasonable and will understand wish for privacy thankfully - and will have her hands full with DD so won't be able to drop by the hospital! I don't plan on telling anyone else when I go into labour, although I'm sure DMIL will be texting to check every day!

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

MissTwister · 21/06/2015 09:03

I'd tell her otherwise it's just an additional anxiety/ worry for you. I actually asked my mum to be a second birth partner and then changed my mind - she looked a bit disappointed and I felt bad but ultimately it's your experience and has no bearing on your love/ relationship. You're both adults and she will need to understand

yummymango · 21/06/2015 10:30

I think my mum expected to be at the birth of my first, and she also said she would stay with us for 2 weeks to help. I didn't want her there so I told her well in advance and it was bad, she didn't seem to accept that we wanted to do it our way and I felt she was being very selfish as it was more about her not wanting to be left out. I spent a lot time during my pregnancy worrying about it and it really affected our relationship.
She lives 200 miles away so we told her I was in labour and she got the train down the next day and stayed with my sister until I was ready to accept visitors.
This time, she has informed me that she has saved 2 weeks of her leave so she can come down and help and left it up to me to tell her when. Again, I think it's more about her being involved and she doesn't really help much when she's here so I think I will just not say anything.
Maybe it's better to just not tell her when you're in labour, you don't have to inform anyone until after the event and that way people are less likely to make a fuss about being left out as they will have a new baby to fuss over.

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