constant arguing over both first name and surname...AIBU?

[Justpenny]

Im 28 and a half weeks pregnant. We found out that we are having a little boy at 17 weeks and are both over the moon, but are arguing constantly over both his first name and surname. I already have a DS who is 8, and has my surname. Me and DP are not married, nor have any intention to marry any time soon. At first he was adamant the baby should have his surname, but I don't want my son to feel left out so asked if we could compromise on a double barrelled surname, mine - then his. He agreed...at first.

With regards to the first name, I have got my heart set on one that at first he said he liked. He's suggested one name that he really likes which I hate, it's a nickname-y type of name and one that his ex girlfriend called him. Why he thinks I would therefore name my child that I do not know?!

Every time the subject arises we argue and it's really, really getting me down. Have just tried to talk to him about it again, with a baby names app open on my phone, reading through them in alphabetical order, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the football. He suggested three names, all of which were names of footballers from the TV screen. Then he started shouting saying i'll just get my own way anyway like I have with the surname and stormed out to work.

Has anyone else had this problem? Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to give the new baby his surname when my DS has my surname? I thought a double barrelled surname was a good compromise but he thinks it's too 'posh'. I work in a school and half the kids have double barrelled surnames now.
Has anyone else had this kind of problem when it comes to picking names?

Based on this, I would be giving the baby just your surname.

YANBU. Is he aware that as you are not married, he cannot register the birth without you, therefore you can ensure your baby is called whatever you like regardless of what he thinks as YOU have to be there!

I would just go with your surname too and would veto the ex girlfriends nickname for him.

I would ask him to make some time to discuss names he isn't watching the football though- it would be really annoying if you were trying to watch something and someone was reading out a list of names.

My DH has been a PITA wrt talking names but I generally dont try and discuss them in the middle of something he is trying to watch

As it is, he is being a knob to suggest a name for your son that connects him to his ex. Your surname for baby, and if he wants the same name as his son he can marry you and take your name.

What is he like generally with the pregnancy? Is he supportive and helpful?

Don't discuss it any further. Just give the baby your last name. And probably your choice of first name too.

However- would you be happy to discuss names for the baby if your favourite TV programme was on?

can you compromise and give his surname as a middle name?

Ie

Thomas Jones Smith (Tom Smith)

I think the arguments that you are having about the name is the least of your problems. He doesn't sound very supportive.

Why on earth were you trying to discuss names whist he was watching football? It's not as if you need a name right this second is it?

Remember, the baby is just as much his and he gets just as much say in what it is called. All this ridiculous advice about just giving the baby your surname and riding roughshod over what he would like for his child is spiteful and nasty. You need to come to an agreement.

The nickname an ex used for him is certainly not an appropriate choice though.

Get him to write down a list of, say, 5 names and you do the same. However, wait until he isn't watching something he is interested in.

Stick to your guns re your sur name. I caved. Stupid, as if dc had started off with my ln, aeasy to give father's later so i was pressured in to giving his su rname against my better judgement.

My advice is to stop discussing it. Unless you allow baby to have his sur name it wont it will have yours, so actually it is pointless argument. By continuing to discuss it, it is as though situation reversed and u need his permission to give baby your last name.

I know during the football was probably a bad time, he was only watching ten minutes of it before going to work though and he brought up the discussion so I thought it would be ok.

I've explained time and time again that I don't want both my son's to have different surnames, but that i'm more than happy to have both of our surnames for the new baby...in whatever order he wants.

TBH no, he hasn't been that supportive and I've posted before about the lack of help I've had with housework and things due to him working nights. He is adamant that he very much wants this baby and is excited, but I am the one who has so far bought all of the necessary baby things, organised the nursery furniture, ordered the pram etc. Not trying to push him out, but because if I don't do it then it wont get done. My parents and family have been mega helpful, picking up bits and pieces for us over the last few weeks and my mum and dad are going to help me decorate the nursery when I finish work at the end of July. He has made a few comments about feeling pushed out, but I have tried to make him feel included as much as I possibly can. And if I don't buy clothes and nappies and things then the baby would end up naked and sleeping in a drawer!

Ok I think you were wrong to chat to him about names during football. wrong time.

I don't see the reason to suggest do it your way..It is his child too. Unless posted elsewhere I don't see him not been supportive.

I also would not want ex's nickname for him as my DS's child.

I didn't get my way with lots of names..If I didn't like them or my now exh we discounted them..

YANBU, but you do both need to agree since it's both of your child and a name is a pretty big deal. However, you do have time to find something that works for you both, if I were you I'd drop it for a little while. That's what I did when dh and I got into a stalemate about names - we have a running list of possible names, some of which we love and some we just like (probably not both equally). We have crossed things off during the pregnancy as one or the other has gone completely off a name! So I'm trying not to set my heart on anything just yet.. (i'm 22 weeks). When things have quietened down a bit, ask him for some serious suggestions - I borrowed one of those cheesy name books and it's actually really helpful (not least for having a joke about some of the things you could be calling your child...)

About the double barrelled thing, I did it when we got married 5 years ago, dh wasn't ecstatic about it at the time (despite saying before hand he would do it too) but has come round and our kids will have it too. But a lot of people do have the 'posh' preconception (depending where you live) and in some situations it's tricky (attempting to sign on at the job centre for example, the man calling me forward didn't bother trying to say my name, just 'double barrelled surname'! That set the tone for the meeting...) But, I'm still happy I did it, and if our children don't love it they can always choose one or the other name.

Just don't discuss it any more. I'm thinking that any reasonable baby conversation is over until the world cup is over too! Surname is a done deal, in that it's yours or double barrelled - up to him. First name can wait for another 3 months.

Any name linked to an ex should be vetoed though!

To be fair to OP my DH seems to be permanently watching some sport at the moment-rugby/football/cricket all on

If hes admitted to feeling left out can you arrange childcare for ds go out for lunch/dinner when dh isn't working to have a proper conversation. Allow you both to explain how your feeling/what you would like each other to do to support each other! Eg, he would like to feel more involved so go through whats left to do/get and choose together?

Try the website named together. You each seperately choose any names you'd consider from a list of the top 100/200/500 baby names ( since he obviously needs some inspiration on a screen ) and the website gives you a list of any you agree on. if you decide to pick at least 20 names that should give you some cross-over to start a short list.

sorry must of cross posted.

I do think you need to agree a time. I would be annoyed if he bought it up then didn't want to talk about it too.

I don't think it is that unusual for men to fell left out during pregnancy..let him know what he can do to help. Maybe arrange to go shopping for some stuff together.

Assuming this is his first child. He may be a bit lost and you have done it all before so know what is coming.

I got my ex a book about been a Dad so it was something for him.

Are you still having special time together..If getting out is too difficult do date night at home..

I don't understand this attitude from your partner. My DH has repeatedly said as I'm the one who's had the horrible pregnancy and will have to give birth, he's happy for me to have the casting vote on names. This seems a far more decent, less macho attitude than the one being displayed by your partner. Yes, he should have a say, no he definitely doesn't get to dictate. And as others have indicated, if he wants you all to have the same name you should get married and come up with a common surname for you all. He sounds like a wanker.

I'm with some of the others on here, timing is everything, don't talk to him about names or anything really when he is clearly engrossed in something else unless it relates to that.

You have time even after the birth to decide, i was un named for 2 weeks, and the name should be something that you both love, this will mean you both forgetting about your choices and coming up with something new entirely, baby name apps are great, esp as you can fav mark ones you like, our shortlist ended up with names relating to the terminator films, john, conor, kyle, reese so maybe look at his fav movies and some names from there that you like.

I remember your previous thread, OP. Is your DP still claiming that working nights exempts him from lifting a finger around the house?!

Personally I think that he needs to make a major attitude adjustment. Perhaps this will happen when he sees what you have to go through when you give birth, so maybe leave this naming conversation until after the event? If witnessing labour still doesn't make him realise that he needs to grow the hell up, nothing will...

DP and I aren't married and when DD was born, the original plan was that she would have his surname. When she arrived though I felt increasingly uncomfortable with that as I didn't want to have a different surname to her for all sorts of reasons including things as small as signing us both in to the local childrens' centre to flying overseas on my own with her and us at least having one surname in common on our passports. We compromised (when actually sat in the registry office...) and agreed to double-barrel (my name - his name) on the basis that if we marry in the future and I change my surname, we can change her's at the time too. Given that you've already got a DC, I can completely understand why you would want both DCs to have your surname and I think that double-barrelling it is the best solution.

Default, if you can’t agree on a surname should be to double barrel. This is what we’re doing (and I think I actually prefer this to having either of our names individually). You’ve hardly got your own way in this case; getting your own way would be using your name only, just as him getting his own way would be using his name only. I think it sounds like a fair compromise.

You do have to agree on the first name though and personally I think you both have the right of veto to any other name. Maybe leave it until a time when there are no distractions and then bring it up again then. You’ve got a while to decide. If you can come up with a short list that you both agree on, even if you have different favourites, you should both get a name that you at least like. Get a book and get him to go through and tick the ones he likes, then you do the same and you’ve come up with your shortlist. Or you come up with a long-list and ask him to cross off any he doesn’t like. We are not completely agreed on a boy’s name yet, but out of loads of names I’ve come up with, we’re down to a short-list of 3 or 4 that we both like (he’s vetoed some of my more ridiculous suggestions! And added one in himself, which we may end up going with).

The lack of help is a separate issue – my husband works nights and does the majority of the housework when he gets up and before I get home, it's no excuse. Decorating the nursery is definitely something he could be taking the lead on, maybe getting him to help choose some things for it will help.

Hope you resolve it all.
Hx

It's a tuff one, I don't think you should just get exactly what you want I think your DO should at least really like your choice of favourite name as well. It is hard though as if they are not really making an effort to find the perfect name then why should they get an option. My DP is rubbish with the name thing. Out DS wasn't named till he was 5 weeks old!! Iv been looking at apps and websites and posting on here since we were TTC now at almost 35 weeks we still havn't made any kind of a short list. He says yeah it's alright or no that's about his input. The problem with my DP is his daddy role does not start while I'm pregnant, he hasn't really had any input and 1st time round this really upset me and I thought he wasn't interested eye etc but once the baby was home he became a dad and is a great one to our son - your DO may be the same.
In a mans defence they have no clue about pregnancy, they are not going through any changes and can't really understand how we are feeling. I hope once your sons here he bucks up a bit.
If you were to get married would you consider changing your sons surname? Or is marriage something you don't want? You could always suggest starting your baby off with your surname and then if you marry changing yours and both the childrens. You have to re register the birth once married anyway.
I can understand why you don't want your children to have different surname names. Me and my brother have and I hate it. We have the same dad but I have my dad's surname and when my brother was born my parents split so mum gave him her surname.
I also HATE having a different name to my son, I get really embarrassed about it - maybe because where I live EVERYONE is married and it's something I'm sensitive about.

It's a hard one. What's more important to you surname or first name? Maybe compromise and say ok if I get my surname then you can have the final pick on the first name but it also has to be one that you do not dislike, and I certainly wouldn't be having one that his ex used to call him. Suggest calling baby your ex's name and see how he likes it!

When are you due? Id leave the conversation for a bit even if you don't have a short list when baby arrives you still have 6 weeks to name him. And sometimes it's easier when you can actually see the baby and what suits them.

With regards to him feeling pushed out. Maybe write a list of everything that is left to do and buy and left him decide what half of it he wants to take on and get organised. Of it's his first time and youv done it all before he probably feels like a bit of a fish out of water.

Hope you resolve it - don't argue over it it's not worth it .... Yet!

hubbahubster - yep! he's still using that old chestnut. If you remember, my sister offered to come and help for a few hrs a week but that fell through because he sleeps all day so there is never a convenient time for her to come and help. It's still causing arguments and resentment between us tbh, and I've all but given up on that one.
Which kind of leads me into the whole 'write a list of what is left to do and divide it up' thing. If I do that, I swear NOTHING will get done. I have so far done/bought everything...not because I'm taking over...but because he's too tired/hasn't got enough money/needs to sleep (delete where appropriate!) I can not leave decorating the nursery to him because it will just not get done. There has been a frying pan sitting on top of the oven for three days that I refuse to wash because he promised he'd do it...I am not having the same happen with the nursery!
Justhayley - I am really REALLY hoping things will chance once the baby arrives. I know I don't have to think of a name now...have still got 11 weeks to go so know there is plenty of time, and I agree that we might just look at him and decide he looks like a certain name.

With regards to getting married...that is another bone of contention at the moment. He is adamant that he doesn't want a wedding, and would only agree to marrying in a registry office or abroad...which to be honest I don't want. I want my family there and at the minute, and for the foreseeable, my dad is too sick to travel.

I'm not painting a very good picture of my relationship really am I? And i'm conscious that I might sound like a spoilt brat...Im just feeling quite unsupported at the minute and yesterday was just ANOTHER thing we argued over.

Don't worry about the picture your painting - were a bunch of strangers doesn't matter what we think. Not many people come on MN when their life is perfect and start a thread about it, it's a great place to rant get advice and sympathy and get things off your chest so you don't explode in RL.
With regards to getting married - you could have your whole family at a registry office so if it's what you really want don't let that put you off.
Only thing if say about your DP is he doesn't sound like he understands compromise.working nights must be hard but so that doesn't mean you can skip over everything family - he doesn't sound like he has his balance right at the moment.
My DO is he same, he's in the Army so away A LOT. When he's home he's too exhausted to do anything or he needs to write reports or go for runs and do fitness stuff. His work is his priority and it drives me crazy , I always hear about him having no choice. Well here's an idea get a different bloody job!
Your DP definitely needs to pull his weight, even a little bit. If he can't support you financially then he needs to emotionally or at least in the home. You sound very good, I'd have people over in the day regardless of his needs and hopefully that would embarrass him into doing things rather than watch your sister / family do what he should be doing.
Is he sleeping all day? Surely there must be a few hours he has between sleep and work?
Obviously he has to sleep at some point, but maybe he could dedicate an hour a day or even half to start with to preparing for the baby, be it doing the nursery or talking about names / or just to wash the pans!

I know what you mean about not leaving jobs to them encase they don't get done at all, iv ended up doing way more than I should and can really handle because it needs to be find and I can't wait for DP forever.