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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

When to have mum to stay after giving birth? Advice

25 replies

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:06

I'm wondering what other people think about when it's best to have a family member ( in this case my mum) to stay after giving birth? I live overseas so she'll be staying for about two weeks. She really wants to come very soon after the baby is born but my husband is worried she'll take over and he'll get pushed out.

My mum does love babies and she will want to be hands on. However, I think I'll be able to tell her if she's being a bit overbearing. My DH works fairly long hours and will only get 1 week paternity leave so if I don't have my mum there I'm likely to be on my own with a newborn most of the time. Wwyd?

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Tomkat79 · 25/02/2014 13:09

Invite your mum over for weeks 2-3 when DH has retuned to work, then he won't feel pushed out. No doubt it will be the longest week of her life!
My mum came to stay from day 1 for 3 days and was extremely grateful to her at 3am when she did this magic dance with my DS that settled him a treat!

misscph1973 · 25/02/2014 13:11

It's really hard to predict your needs after the baby is born. Many women really need their mums after birth. All the hormones rushing through you can be hard to handle, and if you are close to you mum, she could be a real support.

If your DH is concerned, ask your mum to come when he is back at work again. In a round about way it's nice that he is worried about being pushed out ;)

TheScience · 25/02/2014 13:13

Can she come after his paternity leave ends?

Kellyjdancer · 25/02/2014 13:15

I'm in the exact same situation. Here's my dates:

I'm due April 9th. I know I could go up to two weeks over, which is April 23rd. My husband will have 2 weeks paternity leave but I don't think we can hold my mom back that long! I have explained to her that we want at least a week to bond as a family of three and for her to come the first week of May.

She still hasn't booked her flight and is moaning that the baby will be walking by the time she is "allowed" to come. Yes, the baby could come earlier, but we just can't plan for it.

My mom sounds just like yours. She seems to think my husband and I don't have a clue and that this baby doesn't stand a chance without her being here from the first minute....

FossilMum · 25/02/2014 13:15

My Mum and Dad came 6 days after DS was born, and that seemed to work quite well. DH, DS and I had a bit of time to settle in on our own, then by Day 6 were more than glad of some help with cooking, shopping holding baby, etc!

peeapod · 25/02/2014 13:18

this is exactly what im doing with visitors.. trying to keep them to a minimum until after dh goes back to work. that week or so is really special time between us and i dont want to have it disturbed.

explain that you want your mum and baby to also have that special un interupted time too so she doesnt feel left out...

dashoflime · 25/02/2014 13:21

It depends how well you get on with your Mum and how much you value your personal space.

My Mum was convinced I would really appreciate her "running the house" so that I could bond with the new baby. It's what she would have liked her Mum to do for her.

I knew I would hate it and I did! I felt absolutely claustrophobic having someone else in my personal space and sent her away after one day. Poor Mum, but Ds was in SCBU and I was up to Hydo with hormones- I would have killed her if she'd stayed any longer.

If you generally enjoy your Mum and feel she will be a help then by all means do it.

Or take Tomkats advice and ask her to come when DH is back at work. You will arguably need her more then in any case.

dashoflime · 25/02/2014 13:22

"explain that you want your mum and baby to also have that special un interupted time too so she doesnt feel left out..."

Yes, or talk about how you will really need a hand once DH is gone, and it would be much more useful if she could be there for you then.

pootlebug · 25/02/2014 13:22

I'd ask her to come when your DH goes back to work.

Do you need to decide in advance though to book flights etc? If so it is tricky to decide a time as baby could be early or late....

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:24

Thanks everyone. That's what I thought would be best - get my mum to come once DH is back at work. He's still worried about that though and thinks we shouldn't have her to stay for a month...

Baby is due 20th Aug so I was thinking of telling my mum to come sometime around the 10th of September. That allows plenty of time for the baby to be late and then for dh's paternity leave.

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Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:25

Kellyjdancer - yes our mums sound v similar!!!

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BEEwitched · 25/02/2014 13:27

My mom is coming for 3 weeks, she'll be coming at the beginning of my DDT week and my husband is going to take his paternity leave once she's back home.

The bigger problem is that my dad might now come, too, and he is high maintenance and a difficult person - the only good thing is that we have pets and he is allergic, so they'd need to get a cottage nearby, and he might find it too expensive...

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:29

Dashoflime - that's good advice. Yes, generally I get on well with my mum. I find her annoying sometimes but I think that's normal! I think she'll be good company and will be pretty helpful. She used to be a breastfeeding counsellor so I think she'll help me with that for example.

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Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:29

Pootlebug - Yes, we need to book flights in advance which is the problem. The sooner we book, the cheaper they'll be...

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Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:31

Poor you beewitched, the last thing you need is a high maintenance parent around. This relative thing is a bit tricky isn't it?!

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Kellyjdancer · 25/02/2014 13:33

I have to ask - is she American? lol!

It's so hard. Everyone says, "Just have her come when DH goes back to work." Well, yeah, that's the idea. But it's a 10 hour flight and she needs to book something very soon. It's not like she can just get in the car and start driving once we know the baby has arrived.

She is supposed to be looking into the cost of changing a ticket. That way if she books and baby comes earlier, she can change the date and come a bit earlier.

I wish she lived just down the street. I know I will want her here for so much. I wish she could come visit while we are in the hospital and just "pop around" for short, meaningful visits. Instead its going to be so intense and around-the-clock.

Great suggestion dashoflime about telling her I want her to get one-on-one time with the baby. That will be music to her ears!

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 25/02/2014 13:36

Hehe, no she's English! I'm living in the states at the moment though.

I feel exactly the same as you, I wish my mum was local and could just pop in for the odd day. It would be so much better. You're right that instead it'll be intense and around the clock.

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BEEwitched · 25/02/2014 13:41

My mom is coming over from Germany - I'm due 29th of May and her foot is currently still in a cast, it's coming off next week so she'll have to wait until then to book.

We've had a frank talk and she says she's coming over to help, not add work, so as long as we're clear on that I am really looking forward to having her here - if baby is halfway punctual she will help me afterwards, if baby is late we can just chill out together. Hopefully!

livingzuid · 25/02/2014 14:22

We've been debating this too. Mil is round the corner and mum is in England (am in the Netherlands). I will be in hospital for a week after the birth and so want me and dh just to have some time alone. He's taking 3 weeks off work and gets 2 days too right at the start (paternity leave is rubbish!). We think he's going to work mornings the week I'm in hospital and come in the aftenoon/evening and then have 3 weeks at home with me. I don't want visitors so we think we are going to suggest that mum and stepdad make a holiday of it and come for a week or two once I'm out of hospital. Mil and fil can visit once or twice but dh will take the baby to them somewhere I don't know where in the hospital - cafe maybe?!

It's very tricky to know what to do when you have one parent far away and one local.

porcito · 25/02/2014 17:31

My mum's flying over in the due week, but not staying with me. That way, if I need help, she's just round the corner, but we'll still have time to bond with baby ourselves if we need it. MIL lives 3 hours away and has already mentioned kidnapping the baby, think she'll be the bigger problem!

dontevenblink · 26/02/2014 05:50

My DH had two weeks paternity leave with dc3, and then my mum flew out just before he went back to work and stayed for 2 weeks. I'd had a C-section and dc1 and 2 were only 23 months and (almost) 4 so I needed the help! The only trouble is that it was pretty intense her being around all the time and I ended up doing a lot of stuff anyway, or being asked every 2 minutes what she should do... We'd only been in NZ a few months when I gave birth so it was mum's first visit out here so she did keep saying she wanted to do some sightseeing too!

qazxc · 26/02/2014 08:39

I'd say about 3-4 weeks after due date, this allows for baby being late and Dad having his paternity leave with you and LO.
I'm in the same situation as you, my mum is already on about coming over (I'm 23 weeks), and whilst I appreciate she wants to see baby when she is still little, I've also told her that we need time to find our feet as a family first and that it will be a more enjoyable visit if i am not simultanously trying to cater for guests, getting to grips with being a first time mum, getting the hand of bfing, etc...

qazxc · 26/02/2014 08:40

at porcito

MarlenaGru · 26/02/2014 08:49

I had a frank discussion with my mum when DD was born and asked her to wait until Dh went back to work but give me a day or two to find my feet on my own. Booked flights and all was good until Mil decided to come two weeks before her (they didn't ask us but said they weren't staying with us so would come when they wanted to come so then my mum being the helpful and lovely person who respects my wishes she is she changed her flight to come earlier too. As much as my mum helped I was ever so relieved when she left after 6 weeks! I finally felt I could be a mum!

livingzuid · 26/02/2014 10:09

So mine has announced she wants to come for the last scan at 30 weeks (why did I offer I didn't think she would and now to be fair to her and MIL I have to have both of them there when I only want DH), and her and POSSIBLY stepdad will come after the birth.

Going to be firm about them both coming together as I do not want to have to babysit her on her own when trying to settle in with my baby. And may lie and say sonographer has said only 1 in the room with me at scan DH is very relaxed about it but now I just feel stressed. I don't have a fantastic relationship with her.

Just seen the other posts as well. Why do they make it so awkward. It's not helpful even though bless them they think they are helping! I love my mum but grrrr. She missed out on my brother's child so is now trying to make up with mine (he is in NZ). But even NZ is not far enough away it would seem :)

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