constantly wetting at nursery but not at home. Help!

[NatterBee]

I'm having a problem with my dd, who is 2.8 now and has been potty trained since Christmas. She had the odd accident but was dry most days, both at home and at nursery where she spends 4 days a week. She was very proud of herself, winning stickers/toilet training awards at nursery, and being praised at home for being dry. Recently, she's started having four or five accidents at nursery but she is still dry most of the time at home. We do make her go to the toilet even when she says she doesn't need to but she also tells us when she needs to go.

Today I asked the nursery to keep an eye on her and to take her to the toilet every 30 mins or so. They said they would take her when they took other children which I thought was a good idea.

My stepmum picked her up this evening and she'd had 4 accidents, including a poo in her knickers. She never, ever poos in her underwear at home, and we can't work out what is going on. She doesn't seem to want to go to nursery, although when we talk about nursery she talks about the nannies and the other children and she seems really happy. But I'm wondering if there are problems at the nursery that we can't work out. There has been a change around in staff, and I wonder whether she's not getting the same level of attention. She has nannies that she's known since she was 7 months and she likes them, but there are a couple of new ones and I wonder if there's something there? Any ideas?

Hi NatterBee

Ive worked with children for over seven years, four of these in nurseries. Ive seen similar things to what your describing. A couple of things...does your nursery keep a toilet chart? They should and if they do ask to see it at collection and you should be able to see if your child is going at the toilet run times (when the other children go). If she is going then she's clearly comfortable going and it probably is a case of just needing to go more often. In the past Ive set timers for 30 minute intervals and involved the child so it doesn't seem like a chore and this will encourage her to think about going to the toilet. It may be that she is so engrossed in nursery with her friends and hopefully all the exciting activities that are going on that she's forgetting to ask for the toilet. A timer will definitly help with this.

However if it is like youve said a change in staff then this will need a different course of action. Potentially she doesn't feel comfortable going at nursery. Perhaps she once has been with a new member of staff and this may have put her off. Children can be really affected by seemingly small changes, especially with things like toiletting. Ask the nursery who actually takes her to the toilet and ask if it could be someone she knows well for the time being. Ask your child who she likes taking her to the toilet and suggest to her that she asks them.

Ultimately if this is only happening at nursery then there is a limit to how much you can physically do. Talk to the staff, talk to your child and always make it positive with her and encourage her. I know parents who have chastised their children for accidents and has a really negative effect. The nursery should be helping you as much as they can with this, and if your child has a key carer they should be the ones primarily dealing with this within the setting itself and they should be able to come up with a number of progressve solutions, reward charts, timers, toilet responsibilities (handing out paper towels etc) to help your child overcome this problem.

I hope that this helps. I know how hard it is toilet train and how frustrating this must be for you.

Hi Luigi23, thank you - this is really helpful advice and I will have a chat with them about these ideas on Monday. They do have a chart but I'm not convinced they are that thorough, but if we insist on seeing the details they may take more care over it.

I do think the change in staff is something to do with it, she always seems worse when her key carer isn't there.

anyway, thanks again and fingers crossed!

You don't say how long this has been happening but we had toilet training sussed at home and out and about, but when my DS was at nursery for 2 days a week, he would just wee his pants.

There was a change of 1 or 2 staff at exactly that time. I let it go on for about 3 weeks and then went to collect him early to have a good chat with the staff. I then had a good idea - I would take him into the toilet and see what happened.

Found out that there was a handryer that was easily set off, which he didn't like, so that was one issue. But he did a wee in the loo while I was there and things really improved the next day. The staff were good and 1 person took him in at quiet times, which he seemed to prefer.

Hope this helps!

yes, thanks it does - I had a slightly firm word with the nursery manager yesterday morning, and she's only had one accident yesterday and one today - a big change from 4-5 every day which we have had for the last few weeks. It's been going on for around a month, she's been potty trained since January and so the accidents seemed a little out of place.

Although it's early days, given how much she's improved I wonder if they just weren't noticing the signs - she has to go out to the toilet and it's all very grown up for a little one - perhaps she did feel intimidated by it?

I also find sometimes when I drop her off she's left there on her own and she looks a little lost. It takes all my strength not to go back in and scoop her up and out of there! Usually the nannies pick her up and give her a cuddle when we take her in, but the last couple of weeks they haven't been so attentive - perhaps they think she should be more independent, but if they're like that all day she may feel ignored and insecure?

Hi NatterBee...
I am the Nursery Manager of a Nursery in Cadishead, Manchester and I just wanted to say how much it saddened me to read about her looking lost in the mornings =( the staff should do their very very best EACH and EVERY morning to ensure that she feels welcome, respected and 'at home' as it were.
I wish you were closer by....I'd love to help. My girls (the staff) are so loving with all of our children but give them that independence that they also need. No matter how grown up and independent - we all still need to feel safe, secure and have a little attention and fuss made over us, dont we!?

Best of luck, hope you resolve everything real soon XX

thanks, we had a good day today, she was wearing the clothes I put her in this morning, had a totally dry day and got the nursery teddy to take home for the night. We have praised her lots and she seemed thrilled that she'd had a dry day. Fingers crossed it's the start of an improvement!

I'm going to keep a close eye on her and the nannies and see how things go... but thanks for your support :-)

NatterBee, just wanted to second what Stephanie said about your daughter looking lost. I would have a word with someone (maybe nursery manager?) as that's really not on. Perhaps she feels unsure about asking for the potty/loo? My daughter had an awful time settling at nursery but the thing that really reassured me and made me think that she was in safe hands was the care that the staff took to lead her into the daily activities when she arrived. If she ever looked lost or sad on arrival, someone would instantly scoop her up and give her a cuddle as I left which seems the only thing to do with a child of this age. You really can't expect them to sort themselves out.

Well done on the dry day, though. That sounds positive.

I'm losing the will abit, feel like all my hard work has now back fired.

During the Easter holidays I toilet training my 19 month DD, who by the end of the 2 weeks was dry all day, even when we went out and about I would take the potty and she would stay dry

DD went back to nursery on Monday after the Easter break and Monday she has 2 accidents only there half a day. Tuesday she is there all day and had 7!!!!!! That must have been every wee in her pants. And Wednesday they said she only had 1 and her other clothes were dirty and rinsed from the day's activities, when I got to them home they all smelt of wee, and her pants were in there too which makes me more certain it was wee so that was another 5 accidents yesterday!!

When I drop her off I always take her to the toilet to try for a wee so I know she has had one or at least tried before I leave.

I've asked the nursery girls to make sure they ask her every half and hour especially if she is outside (where she did most on Tuesday) they said they would

I also found out yesterday her key worker is on holiday until next week...

But this morning DH is off so she doesn't go to nursery on a Thursday, first thing she did is WEE HERSELF!!! Like she had forgotten to go to the toilet. Now I feel like nursery have taken all my hard work away!

Please any advise!!!!

Op you've posted on an old thread is start a new one you mite get more replies.

I'd say 19 months is very young to potty train. And by the number of accidents she having going 5 and 7 times then she's not got much bladder capacity yet. She may be able to be dry at home but a busy nusary environment may be a bit too much for her this young.

There are many distractions for them at nursery and although staff ratios are higher for little ones, I think it will be hard for her to stay dry at this point. I think you have to expect she will have more accidents at nursery, this even happens with older ones at preschool. But with helpful staff they should be able to reduce the number.