3 year old is distressed by potty training

[Martell21]

I am hoping someone may be able to offer some advice? My daughter is 3.5 and gets so distressed about not wearing a nappy, if I try to put just pants on she will beg me to put a nappy on. I am fairly certain she is ready in every other way as she knows when she needs to wee and will always want to be changed after doing a poo. Also over the past week her nappy has been dry when she get s up so she obviously has some control. I have tried all sorts from books to rewards, not talking about, all the usual things. She sees me using the toilet and her friend but when I ask her why she is still wearing nappies she says she is frightened of her wee going down the toilet. I have no idea where this fear has come from but I just don't know how to deal with it.! I have spoken to Health Visitor and just get told not to worry, 3 is not old!!! I hate seeing my daughter so upset but I don't know how to help and don't know anyone who has experienced this.

My dd was also very distressed at toilet training. I kept waiting and waiting but she never felt ready... Eventually I decided to go cold turkey and just said no more nappies for peeing. (I let her put one on for number 2s for a good while longer...that’s a whole other story...and for night time). We stayed in and she didn’t have a nappy on, she didn’t like it, it was not fun. I was reassuring, kind, firm and had to just keep persisting. The three days i toilet trained her were so grim, just me endlessly comforting and reassuring her and her endlessly protesting, seemingly all day. She is very sensitive and struggles with transition, she likes things to be done a certain way, it was a big change for her and she found it really hard. We sort of battled through it together and it was hard. There didn’t seem to be any other way. None of the slower approaches worked as she was too resistant. Anyway years later she is still her same darling sensitive self and has no issues around the toilet whatsoever... In fact once we got past those three or four days she was peeing in the toilet no problem, never had an accident and was quite happy.
My ds on the other hand was very straightforward to toilet train. I’ll nevrr forget how hard it was with dd!
She too didn’t like the thought of her wee going down the toilet. I also wrote her a little book even though I’m rubbish at drawing about how a girl whose pee told her it wanted to go down the toilet to the pee pee party, would she let it, it ended with it was now time for this to happen, no more nappies. Stories like that always help with her. ( not sure if that story makes sense. Writing in a hurry!)

My Dd was a bit like this, physically very ready but total mental block. As she was always dry in the morning, I started plonking her straight on the potty when she woke up, and let her zone out in front of the tv (she's a proper telly addict!) If nothing came after a bit I put a nappy on her and we went about our day. But one morning, her morning wee just came in the potty whilst she was gorming at CBeebies, and she shouted "mummy, my wee came and it wasn't scary!" She's been dry since that wee.

Thanks for taking the time to write, it's reassuring to know I am not alone and your daughter is now fine with the whole toileting thing. I have tried the cold turkey way (although this was about 6 months ago) and it was so horrible as she was so distressed. She will sit on the potty with her nappy on but won't take it off. She is not scared about about being totally nappy free as she will sit in her paddling pool with nothing on!!! I'm sure she will do it one day but at the moment I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel x

I am sure if I could get my daughter to do it once she would realise it's ok and there will be no looking back, just getting her on the potty/ toilet for the first time is the challenge!!

Do not worry! Our DD was a bit like this but about poos. Absolutely screamed the house down every day for 6-8 weeks. I was tearing my hair out and saying to DH that I thought we needed to take her to a behaviour specialist! Then one day she just stopped and now, 3 months after originally potty training her, she’s so much better. No fuss a all. She just needed time to work it through and see that it wasn’t scary.
Get the book ‘oh crap it’s potty training’ it really helped us. Also, try a potty rather than the toilet. It’s smaller and less scary. Just kept telling yourself ‘all 18 year olds use the toilet without crying’ you will get there. This too is a phase! Good luck.

My daughter didn't like to poo on a potty so I didn't worry about it, she went in her pants or nappy for a while then I let her choose whatever she wanted in the toy shop. She chose a doll and it was put into the cupboard till she did a poo on the potty. The next day she did her poo and got her present and never looked back. It is hard to not set them up to have issues with their bowels etc if they are getting stressed