Argh! How to get her to TELL ME...?!? What next? Anything...?

[GingerlyRed]

Started toilet training dd about 6 weeks ago (feels like 6 years!) and while she generally is quite happy to pee on the toilet poos are quite another matter although that particular joy goes in phases... She will go quite happily if she is sat on the toilet every hour or two but WILL NOT tell me when she needs to go. If I ask her she ALWAYS says 'no'.

She is able to tell me that she needs the toilet. She is very capable of controlling it. She can hold pees for ages if necessary. We know that she prefers to hold poos until about 5 minutes after going to bed but goes through phases of doing them in the toilet. Most days all pees are done in the toilet but some days (like today ) she seems to be saving them all for public places and spacing them roughly every 30 minutes.

I KNOW she knows and she knows that I know she knows ... But she just will not tell me when she needs to go. I suspect that it may be that going to the toilet is just so boring compared to whatever she is doing but I have no idea how to get her to tell me... Any ideas? I'm willing to try pretty much anything. Incidentally bribery isn't working. Clearly.

It feels like she will never be potty trained

I forgot to include... She is 2 years 9 months...

I am in exactly the same place today only DS has been pretty good for ages (months) then a couple of weeks ago something changed and now he just can't be bothered. Happy to go to the toilet when he's taken but equally happy to pee his pants and not say a word. I've tried everything and now I'm at the end of my tether.
Sorry I can't be more useful but happy to provide support if you need it.

We were you just a couple of weeks ago!!

Just hang in there, preschool advised us just to take him every so often and pay no attention at all to accidents beyond changing his clothes, no dialogue about it at all.
Thankfully the phase passed (it lasted about 6 weeks!!) and within a few days he went from constant accidents to completely reliable again

Thanks folks. This is making me crazy. Especially the 'no, no, NO!!!!' when she's asked if she needs the toilet which is followed by a massive pee two minutes later. Or I wrestle her to the toilet and she does in fact go

She went for ages where she would wake up with a dry nappy every day and go to the toilet first thing. Then she would have a dry nappy but it was like she only peed enough to keep from exploding, would have her breakfast and then finish the pee on the floor. Now she stands on the bed and pees while staring at me .

I'll be honest, I'm starting to take it personally lol! But at least I'm not the only one in a similar (sodden) situation.

I know it's hard, but try not to let her see how it's making you feel. I made that mistake with DS and it did start to improve as soon as I started to make an effort to have no reaction at all, just silently changed him/cleaned up.

Had you though about going back to nappies and trying again in a month or so?

Potty training shouldn't be a struggle- maybe she's just not completely ready.

Just another thought, don't ask her if she needs to go, just every so often(however often you think it's possible for her to wait, for us it was a couple of hours) just announce cheerily that it is time to go to the toilet with mummy and mummy needs to go too. We also used to do this before going out. It did get a better reaction than telling him to go, as it's like a little adventure for the two of you. I would take him by the hand, tell him we were both going for a wee and then start chatting about other interesting things while leading him there so he didn't really have a chance to argue more often than not, he would then be too busy chatting by the time we got there and just automatically go for a wee in the toilet without me saying anything

I will try that Whispers. She hates to leave whatever it is that she is doing and there is nothing more boring in her little world than sitting on the toilet. She HATES having wet/pooey pants but just tries to ignore it for too long. I watch her shuffling around, crossing/uncrossing her legs, squeezing her knees together and generally looking pained and you can see the battle going on but by the time she says "toilet please" (she is very polite to the bitter end ) she is looking pretty tragic and weeing. It also likely hasn't helped that dp has been working away for the past two weeks. Back now so we can start afresh.

I feel that she is ready Seeker, she can control it (boy don't I know it ), she can tell me when she needs to go, she understands the whole process (pants down, go, wipe, pants up, flush, wash hands). It's just so inconvenient for her and it's something that she is going to have to accept.

Yeesh, it's a sorry state of affairs to be broken by a stubborn 2.5 year old! Off to practic my neutral face but worried the grinding of teeth may give it away . Meh, this too shall pass.

"I feel that she is ready Seeker, she can control it (boy don't I know it ), she can tell me when she needs to go, she understands the whole process (pants down, go, wipe, pants up, flush, wash hands). It's just so inconvenient for her and it's something that she is going to have to accept. "

Or just leave it for a month and you might not have to fight about it?

Oh god I came on here to post your EXACT post. Tried in November, gave up. Tried again last week. Does brilliantly some days. Today peed on the couch twice after completely denying she needed to go.

She knows it was in there and freely admits it. She can hold for HOURS. So what the fuck?

I'm actually close to tears I'm utterly fucking sick of the whole thing.

Forget about it for a couple of months. You've got into a stressful feedback loop. Go back to nappies, relax, then try again. Preferably waiting until she actually asks. It'll be fine.

If potty training a even slightly stressful, then you're doing it too soon.

Hey Foxy... I have not met anyone in real life who found potty training easy/fun etc. My dd's nursery have told me that some little ones are just like that and are completely chilled out about it .

Whispers advice seems to be working though . It is infuriating. You are not alone in your misery... And laundry pile . I just hold onto that a couple of people have told me that the brightest are the hardest .

Hell, my sister had twins and won't even talk about it. She just shudders.

So pleased to read this and know it's not just us! We started potty training 3 1/2 weeks ago and wow it's not easy, as is 3 in August. One day seems good and he does sometimes say when he wants a wee wee then the next day seems like day one all over again! One good thing, he is happy to go to the toilet when we're out anywhere if we ask him, he likes to go and have a look and more often will pee pee too! I just keep thinking we will get there eventually, everyone does! Any more tips much appreciated tho :D

See, I do the taking her to the toilet thing, have done for months.

But it doesn't count does it? If she still can't say she needs then she's not really potty trained. Is she?

I don't understand how to get to that stage.

See, I do the taking her to the toilet thing, have done for months.

But it doesn't count does it? If she still can't say she needs then she's not really potty trained. Is she?

I don't understand how to get to that stage.

Everyone says one day it will happen, that something seems to click and they will start telling you! Let's hope so eh? ;-)

I bribed mine with smarties, one smartie for a wee, two for a poo.

As I never normally gave them sweets, this proved a huge incentive. They did go to the loo rather a lot, but hey, I got them potty trained straight to toilet. The secnd child got potty trained by his older brother ( as they'd BOTH get a smartie, otherwise not fair...

Not sure I could write a parenting book though as I know sugar is the devil and all that...

Foxy, DS was like that too. Dry of you took him but never asked to go. Then one day he just started it was probably a few months after we started. So just be patient
Now, if anyone has any advice for if your 18 mo refuses nappies, it would be much appreciated She is actually fairly reliable with wees, not many accidents at all, but doesn't get poos at all!!!
Sometimes I can con her into pull ups, but not very often... It's very messy

Ginger, the other piece of advice I got from my mum, which really helped with toddlers general:

You do not ask a toddler something, you tell them ( nicely). A toddler's default setting is "NO!". saying ; " time for a wee wee, come on" generated less defiance than asking them " do you need a wee, darling?".

I think modern parents ask their tots too many questions.

( any future book deals definitely off now, as I am clearly old fashioned)

Try having a timer set to go off every 45 minutes or so and that's toilet time?

Chandon that would be a very short book .

Two 'accidents' at nursery today. 'Accidents' my arse ! Can't be bothered more like. Especially as been fine all weekend including a four hour car journey when she asked to go to the toilet and was quite content to wait for the next services. The ONLY time she asked but other than that just put her on the toilet every couple of hours.

At least we're not the only ones...

Oh, thank God it's not just me...

Actually, Gingerly, you're way ahead of me - I only started yesterday (DD will be 3 in a month and starts playgroup next week; abortive attempt in October as she wasn't ready), and already I feel that one of us will have exited via the window by the end of the day. I'm not the most patient person but I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me or let her see me annoyed. Like you, it's the knowledge that she understands what you mean that's so frustrating - she's being pooing in the corner for nearly a year and telling us to go away, she knows we flush it down the loo and wash our hands, she even asks me for a change after a poo. Weeing, I think, is a bit different as she's been in disposables and obviously has never really felt uncomfortably wet.

Yet our little back-and-forth of 'What do you do when you want to go to the toilet?'/'Tell Mummy and Daddy!' doesn't seem to be sinking in. She'll wee or start pooing literally 20 seconds after we've been over it; this morning she's started pooing of her usual place on the bottom stair, and actually moved to the potty after a bit of persuasion, then finally stopped without pooing. She eventually refused to get on the potty and poo'd in her knickers right next to it instead; once changed and we'd flushed the poo away etc, she immediately went and weed on the sofa - I hadn't even hung the bathroom towel up!

I don't even know if there's any advice for this except to wait - I think I just need to vent my frustration! I can't even get to the corner shop, or do a bit of housework, let alone anything that might be more fun for both of us. And she's decided she's not interested in any of her toys or books, or any of the activities I find for her...

Sorry, just needed to rant - feel free to ignore me, I feel better already!

And good luck, GingerlyRed!

Just checking in to offer some encouragement - having had a right old rant on Wednesday morning, we had a very successful afternoon. DD has only weed on the potty since then (although she has either poo'd into her pants or saved it for the middle of the night, but does at least wake up and feel uncomfortable enough to demand a change). The only accident has been because I couldn't get down the stairs to her quickly enough!

So I wanted to thank you guys for being a sounding-board, and say hang in there - I honestly thought day 2 would break me, I would never have believed things could turn around so quickly. I hope things move as quickly and encouragingly for you, too!