Drowning in PND - and getting worse

[ImHappyDreaming]

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

Thank you for checking in with me btw Scarlett, its much appreciated.

How's things imhappy?

Hi Scarlett. Thanks for thinking of me. I don't think I'm doing that well. Cbt therapist referred me to the perinatal team to come to my house but haven't heard anything. Tried chasing it up but still nothing. My doctor increased my meds but I just feel numb or teary still.
Today I feel like running away.

Also ds is teething so very unsettled - got some Anbesol but every three hours application doesn't seem to be enough. Am so frazzled and thinking of every and anything to alleviate this - have just been to shops partly to get out for fresh air and also because was fantasing about a massive glass of wine. I bought a bottle but haven't had any yet. Dp isn't here nor my mum so feeling very alone.
Have run out of energy and lost a lot of hope too. Still scared this is my new normal.

Oh, the joys of teething I remember it well. My dd didn't get her first tooth until she was 16 months old. I was starting to get seriously worried that she wouldn't have any teeth at all. The dentist was considering doing x rays to check if there were any teeth there! Then they all came flying through in a couple of months of teething hell!

Well done for getting out to the shops. Try your hardest to get out every day, even if it's just a walk round the block or a trip to the shop.

I hope the perinatal team get in touch soon. It's awful that you're having to chase them up when you feel so awful to start with. Things won't always be like this though, keep telling yourself that

@ImHappyDreaming How are things with you?

Hello again ladies.
Thank you all so much for the advice and kindness I have been shown.
I have not posted in a while for a few reasons.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed that despite all the good advice I was given, I still felt (and still feel) lost, permanently changed and cry like my heart is breaking.
I was taking the mirtazapine but couldn't coordinate the counselling/therapy with it (childcare etc) so was basically a zombie with no outlet for any emotions. I went on holiday a couple of weeks ago (got back yesterday) and have stopped taking them altogether as I was (and still am) angry and ashamed at merely popping pills. I know this was probably a stupid move to make but I sometimes feel such hatred of myself it's overwhelming. My dcs are doing well, but I feel like I'm constantly letting them down. I hate being on pills. But I hate feeling like this - a pill popping empty shell of a person, or a crying, overwhelmed scared-of-every-moment mess.
I am trapped. Again.
I think pnd can last forever. I still cant even unpack my hospital bag and ds is nearly 7 months old.
I realise probably I am beyond help, but I wanted to post this and get it out. I don't know what else to do.
I am still very grateful to you all.

I think I am having a relapse.

Imhappy im so sorry to hear you're feeling so awful. Please, please, please never feel embarrassed, angry or ashamed about how you're feeling or about reaching out for help. I don't think pnd can last forever. I know 7 months has probably felt like forever to you, but it's actually not that long. You need to go back to your gp and ask about trying different medication. Many people don't have success with the first type of AD that they try, it could be that a different type could really help.

As for counselling, perhaps you weren't in the right place yet for it to be helpful. I know that a lot of people have better results from counselling when they've been on meds for a while and things have settled a bit.

You do need to keep talking though. Who have you got in real life to talk to? Are you making sure you're getting out of the house every day? How did you feel on holiday?

Stop worrying about letting your dc down. You said yourself that they are doing well so you aren't letting them down. I wish I could get you to believe that this isn't forever. It really will get better. Make a little plan of what you're going to do: Go to the gp to request new meds, make sure your dp and parents know how you're feeling, get out of the house every day etc and above all, try to be kind to yourself.

Thank you Scarlett.
Everything you say makes sense written down - but not in my head iyswim?
I am getting out etc and may even seem ok to others on a day to day basis. But I am hiding so much anxiety and inner hysteria from everyone. Screaming inside.
Now I am lying here wondering how to survive another day.
I will try to speak to my doctor again. I am to blame for stopping my medication. I am my own worst enemy and am so angry, stupid, sad and desperate.
I love my dcs and continue to 'try' for them. I'd totally give up on myself. But can't give up for their sakes.

Hi, hope you are getting through today. I just wanted to say you are not alone. My DS is nearly 10 weeks old and I am struggling BAD. I was feeling low around 4 weeks post birth (had a terrible labour and was kept in for a week) and felt ok but now things worse than ever.

I don't feel a great bond to my baby and have been having awful thoughts the past two days, its proving extremely hard to get on with the days.

My Mum came round last night and stayed, so I got some sleep but when I woke up I felt even more tired than before.

Like you, I am extremely anxious to be put on AD's and am waiting for CBT but am worrying that I won't be able to wait that long.

I just wanted you to know that others are suffering, like me. x

Hi Charlieislovely,
I am on autopilot (again ) and my neighbours probably think I'm mad as I've been throwing lots of stuff out and been out to the bins a dozen times. I find purging helps me to stay calmer. I function better when my surroundings are sparse.
I'm so sorry you're struggling too. I wish I didnt have 'company' in this but thank you so much for posting. How are you feeling today? I know if you've read my posts this probably sounds silly coming from me, but if you can get the cbt alongside the ADs you might be on the right path? I'm not sure but think my simply taking ADs without any cbt properly in place has been a huge stumbling block for me. I can't get past the ptsd either and even my doctor has said ADs won't help me with that aspect. I panic all the time. Maybe a combination of therapy and ADs would help you though? Have you been given a waiting time for the cbt? Because if its soon maybe you could start ADs knowing you'll soon be getting both? I'm not due to see anyone til next month as I was re-referred.
I sort of gave up on the ADs because I had/have nothing else and havent for weeks and weeks and I don't want to be just medicated. It was probably a mistake to stop but I need to feel something.
I'm still taking one hour at a time.
Thank you again Scarlett, and please post back Charlie. Thinking of you x

This doctor - he's very very highly qualified, ex-prof of Gynae at Imperial College - considers that hormonal problems should be treated hormonally and that psychiatric intervention can be of little help. He advocates transdermal oestrogens.

www.studd.co.uk/postnataldepression.php

I wish I had known this when I had postnatal psychosis. He has been able to help another member of my family when all else failed. BTW the women in my family all suffer from extreme PMDD and postnatal illness and have been diagnosed with psychiatric problems that in the end turn out to be mainly hormone related.

Thank you borntobequiet Interesting reading - I will definitely take with me to my doctor on Friday. How did you 'get through' your psychosis then, if you don't mind me asking? Hoping you are well/doing much better now.
I had more struggling to compose myself and not scream while out buying formula earlier today. I wonder if I'll ever 'look back' on this all because it feels so impassable sometimes. Even simple things can start me panicking. I don't even know when or why.
How are you Charlieislovely? Hope you're coping today.

I wonder if I'll ever wake up again and feel 'normal'. I have no-one to talk to. Everyone is sick of me.
I wonder if I'll ever get through a day without crying or feeling surreal and detached again.
I wonder if this ever ends.
How are you Charlieislovely? I hope you're ok.

Hello Dreaming - sorry to leave it so long.
I got through with medication and family support. It took time but I remember very vividly the point at which I realised I was better. It was an early autumn day, about this time of year, and I suddenly realised how lovely it was with the late roses blooming in the park, the blue sky and the high white clouds.
If I were to get unwell with PND again (but won't as past childbearing years) I would ask for hormonal treatment instead of/as well as medication until my own hormones had settled.

Hello ladies,
I don't know if anyone will read this but I thought I'd post again as so many of you were so kind and knowledgeable when I last posted. It may be obnoxious to bump this I know, but I may out of desperation.

I'm on different meds and have been accepted by perinatal team after an emergency referral by my doctor. The meds aren't 'working' as such yet and I'm worried about the visit to my home. I have been OCD cleaning. I'm so scared they already think I'm a poor parent.
I am just so exhausted. Ds is 8 months now and I'm terrified I'm permanently stuck in this limbo of panicky, tearful, self loathing, medicated hellishness. I hate myself for 'not being over this' because I'm lucky and my dcs are beautiful and I should be better by now. They thought I was 'better' before on the other meds, but numb is not the same as better.
Please, please someone tell me I could still be ok.

Medication is not a demon to be fought off at all costs. It is a cure for many, and we are lucky that it exists. Embrace it, accept it and stop fighting it and seeing it as a failure on your part.

It saved my life.

There are a lot of shoulds and implied oughts in your post that do not help you in this desperate situation. You have to accept that you are ill and not a moral failure - if you had diabetes you would take the insulin and expect that it would take a while to get the dosage right; you would not see yourself as failing because you had diabetes.

You WILL get better - it takes time and it is bloody scary to feel the way you do - but you WILL get there. When I was at rock bottom a friend came and knelt in front of me and held my hands and repeated over and over again "You will get better" - and she was right. I did not believe it at the time and could see no end to the misery. But here I am, back to a normal life and enjoying my family. It did not happen overnight; feeling well crept up on me slowly and I had no faith in it; there were setbacks along the way, but I got there.

You will get better.

Thank you Mishappening.

I do feel a bit of a failure to be back on meds. Its stupid I know. I stopped them cold turkey TTC ds and was so - proud? - it just felt like a huge slap in the face that I needed to be back on them at a time when I was (am) so happy having him. I feel like my post birth experience was in such sharp contrast with my ds's beautiful actual birth that it totally derailed me, and is still trying to steal my everyday happiness. The meds do make me so numb though and I really don't like that.

Thank you. I really want to get better.

You will, I promise you.

Stopping anti-Ds cold turkey is not to be recommended!! Accepting the need for them is the most positive step you can take towards recovery.

Thanks Mishappening.

I know it wasn't ideal stopping them cold turkey - stupid even. I wanted ds for nearly ten years and it was a 'now or never' situation. I didn't feel I'd have the time to wean off them. I stopped again since having PND - again stupid.

I do feel resistance towards taking them, especially when I just end up feeling numb and zombie like. Then it's 'try something different' and the horrible physical side effects of coming off one type and starting another. But I'd try almost anything if I actually felt better. Or just felt something.

Thank you for taking the time to encourage me. I am so overwhelmingly exhausted and sad today. My mind is so foggy.

I will get better. I will get better. I'll keep saying it til hopefully it's true.

How are you doing? I hope you're ok.

Things have been very up & down my end. My baby boy is nearly five months old, he is absolutely adorable and such a smiler.

Mentally I am not great. An awful lot of anxiety that just won't go. I am desperate for it to leave.

I know how lonely you can feel when dealing with PND/PNA so please message me if you want to chat. Keep yourself busy and keep repeating affirmations. Lastly, if you are ever feeling really low, go on youtube and follow a guided meditation whilst baby is napping or with someone else. It will help to calm your mind x