Drowning in PND - and getting worse

[ImHappyDreaming]

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

Hi OP.
I don't want to hijack your thread with my own crap but I have sat here crying reading your messages here as you sound just like me.

My lovely DD is 14 weeks. My birth was a failed induction and she also ended up being readmitted on day two, spending another week in hospital, followed by another admission at 4 weeks as she was ill. Even looking at photos of those early days makes me cry.

We are both healed and she is sleeping away as I type this but my anxiety is now through the roof. I panic at the slightest thing. I don't eat. I feel empty but scared at the same time and my whole body seems to hurt for no apparent reason.

I too came off Citalopram after years before having my baby, I totally understand your reservations of going back there again.
I went to my GP and the pills were sat here for weeks until I finally took one yesterday.

I feel worse than ever right now but I know it will take time.
Didn't want to moan but just wanted you to know there is someone else feeling similar to you if you ever need to talk/rant/cry. You are doing so well to be on day 3.

These next few weeks are going to be tough but we can do it. x

Day 3 is the worst. In fact the whole of the first week is bad but then it will start to ease up. Please ask your partner for more support if you need it

Sorry ImHappy, what you said is what I meant. I just worded it badly...

Anna sorry to hear you're having a rough time too you are definitely not alone.

Hope today is a better one for all.

Thanks all.
Having the worst time ever. So much is going wrong. Dp must have reached his limit as he seems to have forgotten how he promised to help me through the inevitable rough days starting the tablets. Same with my mum. Neither of them are here this evening. I am in bits (think first postpartum period coming too as have been cramping all day) and along with the panic (less because of diazepam but still there), head and stomach aches, tiredness and wanting to scream/cry every moment am at absolute breaking point.
I'm actually having dark thoughts.

OkPedro - your experience sounds like what I'm feeling right now. I have a self harming history and only since last night have I thought of it again. It has been years, but I've thought of it more in the last 24 hours than in the last 5 years. Its agony. I swing between numbness and pain (emotional and physical) and feel extra exhausted because of it. It's good to hear how people have got through this, thank you for your story and glad you're ok now. I just never feel as strong as you ladies are.
Anna - our stories do sound so alike. I'm so sorry you're feeling as crappy as me and am glad you posted. Have you been offered anything other than the tablets, like counselling? I hope you have more luck than me if you have. I was supposed to get a call today to book a second session of CBT. My introductory session was April 19th. No call came. I feel it's so drawn out and ineffective and may not even be what I need now. So just 'stuck' with tablets and feel abandoned and wretched. Do you have a support network? Thank you for encouragement especially as you're feeling so bad yourself at the moment.

Lapin - thanks. But I can't say anymore to my dp or anyone. As often happens, I feel people say they understand and will be there for you, but the reality is totally different. Its old news to them today. I feel so hurt. I know that may be stupid but its true. I knew it would be rough taking the meds and now I'm dealing with it all alone.

Thank you Noncommittal. You've been so kind.

imhappy I really think that for now for you medication is the way forward.. once you feel stable then think about counselling/therapy/cbt

I felt so alone and afraid when I had pnd. I wasn't strong. I honestly thought it would be the end for me and my dc would be better off without me..dd was 3 at the time and ds was 8 months.
I was scared all the time..
I thought about you a lot today. Please keep hanging on, you can do this! 💪

Oh no

Where is your DH? Can you call him?

How are things today imhappydreaming?
I hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

The counselling near me is a bit hit and miss too (NE London). I had an initial consultation over the phone, but because I missed one call from the therapist they assigned me they sent me a letter saying they'd taken me off the list. But as a few people have said, l just don't feel it's the right time for me to try the CBT or counselling..maybe later in the year.

My DP is great at helping with practical things, night feeds, cleaning etc but he doesn't fully understand just how bad I feel, especially about the birth etc.
Unless I'm visibly upset he assumes I'm fine and back to normal. I think they always need reminding that you are still not ok.
My Mum and sister are good too, but an hour and a half away so don't see them as often as I'd like to and seems a bit much to burden my friends with.

DD has had her second immunisations today so that keep me busy.

How are the side effects today? Have they eased at all?

Hello ladies. Thanks for your input and advice as always.
Had a rough day again yesterday. Had a good night with ds - just about got into a routine as I fed him at 1am and he slept through til after 7. I took both tablets and was able to sleep, despite stomach pains and an excruciating knot in shoulder/neck. I woke up groggy and anxious though - I dont like the feeling from the tablets at all. But what else can I do?

OkPedro, I am so unimpressed with the lack of urgency with the cbt. It seems such a non starter and I've lost all faith in it tbh. I'm sure they're busy and I'm hardly top priority but I tried to ask for help - am only existing at the moment and they seem to have lost me in the system?
Noncommittal, long story but dp and I don't live together. We used to, but split up after having dd and were apart for a few years, during which time our set ups changed and we live 25 mins apart now. With schools (he has another dd between our two, plus one much older)/work we can't change it at the mo. Dp happens to work 3 mins away though, so is here often and also most nights. But I am alone with dcs a couple of nights.
How are you doing Anna? Hope dd is feeling ok after her jabs. Understand totally what you mean about dp and family. They try but don't really understand. Its frustrating because I feel like I can't get through to anyone Some ladies suggested I show dp this thread (I did) and I think its good advice - maybe you could show your dp too?
Its raining here, is it crazy to still take ds out in the buggy?! Feel cabin fever setting in. When will tablets start making me feel better instead of worse? I feel awful.

Of course you can go out in the rain. Just get a cover for the buggy and a rain jacket as you'll be just fine. Definitely don't stay cooped up inside xx

Thank you Lapin - we got out but not for long, it was grim and so grey. Fresh air didn't seem to work today.
Ds is really fussing this evening and combined with feeling rough and my excruciating shoulder I am at my wits end again.
My mum has come round and has him at the moment, and I'm going to try a hot shower and to eat. Going to take as many tablets as is 'safe' - ibuprofen, paracetamol, diazepam and mirtazapine when going to sleep. I'm past caring now, every fibre of my being and every emotion hurts.
I've lost faith in everything.

Just wet check in and see how you're doing today

Lovely, I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread but has anyone offered you emdr? It should be offered for ptsd, doesn't often make you feel worse before you feel better and usually works faster than CBT.

Are you in a position to either request it (if you are getting CBT through primary care they should also offer emdr but usually with someone more senior) or pay privately?

I'm so so sorry you are going through this

Thanks Lapin. Feeling crap today. Everyday actually. Am so over everything. Have had a large glass of wine today already and do not give a crap either. Ds is fussing, and getting on my very last nerve, I have achieved exactly nothing but existence and then the cbt lady rang this afternoon to apologise for not calling on Monday and to arrange an appointment for next Thursday. I don't care. Its ages away and ages since I saw her and I think the whole thing is bs anyway. She says she will assess if the peri natal team need to be in touch with me. I dont know what that would entail and again, am finding it hard to care.
I fell asleep without taking my tablet yesterday so god knows what that means.
My mum is too busy and tired to come round today and not sure what dp is doing. I'm not sure it matters anyway because they don't really help when they are here. They don't know how to. They expect me to be doing better when I'm not.
Thanks Blue - what is emdr?

I truly understand now why people disappear and never return.

Just wanted to say so sorry you're having an awful time and you're not getting the support you need. No useful advice that's not been said already but I hope things start improving soon for you. Could you call your DP and explain how bad you're feeling and maybe give them the baby for a few hours whilst you have a break?

Thanks Speedy. I dont know, I feel so frustrated and - let down?
The cbt seems a non starter. Its like a lifeline has been pulled away.
I was/am so reluctant to take the tablets. I knew I'd feel worse, even if only initially.
And I do feel god awful.
Dp and my mum said they'd be here during this time but I obviously hoped for a different kind of support IYSWIM? Not 'Did you need me to come round today?' (my mum) 'Because I'm really tired'
????
Or dp - 'I'll come and do the night shift'. Our situation is unconventional I guess, but when I've dragged myself through to 10pm, dcs are fed, bathed, homework done, have faught with ds and naps and a dozen nappy changes, am starving though cant eat and am dizzy and have stomach cramps, putting the bottle in ds's mouth for one feed isn't exactly a weight off me.
I feel bad enough that I've been a drain on them these past few weeks so I know its my fault my mum's extra tired for example, but when I outlined how if I ever needed help it would be now, I thought they understood. I'm still doing absolutely everything. And still feel like crying, screaming or ripping my hair out all the time.
I need someone to cook me a proper meal. To say 'I'll run the hoover round' or 'I'm going to pick some shopping up for you' I feel like I am continually saying 'I don't feel like myself. I need help' and it's old news now. How else can I ask for help? I am taking the tablets. It's like they think I am not dead, dcs are 'ok', so all must be on the mend.
I don't want to be away from dcs - I want to be with them and feel ok.
I am slowly going crazy.

Oh love, it will get better. I know that's meaningless right now but it will.

EMDR is a eye movement desensitisation therapy. This is a real oversimplification of it but the bit about CBT that asks you to talk about the hardest parts? Emdr makes that easier by having you think of images whilst you use your eyes to follow the therapists hand. It sounds like bullshit, I know it does. And if it was I would honestly tell you because I kinda wanted it to bullshit. But it's not, it works on trauma and anxiety. It's got lots and lots of research behind it.

CBT can work too though

I just saw this in active and had to post, haven't rtft but wanted to say that back in 2009 I too was desperately unhappy with PND. My world felt like it was caving in and I could barely cope from minute to minute. You can get better from this- I took anti-d's and had CBT too. The CBT was months in to my illness as I had been on the waiting list for ages which meant that the pills had had a chance to work a bit before I tried it. I found it really useful and it helped to highlight some of the causes of my problems.

It sounds like you need some more practical support. Is there a sure start in your area that offers home support? Your GP may be able to refer you to IAPT, for a more rapid chance of talking therapy.

If its an option could you get some counselling privately? It never occurred to me that I could pay for talking therapy and therefore get it much quicker.

It will get better, I thought I would never recover but gradually it did get easier and then one day I realised that I felt ok again. Wishing you all the best.

Hello, I wanted to post that I had terrible PND . I took sertraline and then citalopram. I had cbt and counselling . I drank every day just to get through it. Actually what helped most was yoga and mindfulness. Exercise, being kind to myself , trying to do mini projects like crocheting a square . The good news is that 21 months after my son was born I am back to myself ( it took months to get over the anxiety of even speaking to people). I am working as a senior professional and coping well. You will get well - it will just take time. Pay for every bit of help you can. I had a Mothers help which was great. Someone coming into the house made me make some effort to get dressed and maintain basic standards and just took the pressure off me.

Thanks Blue. I guess I could ask about the EMDR - will try pretty much anything right about now. It might be a case of paying for therapy if I can because I first rang talking therapies for help near the end of March, didnt see anyone til April 19th and am not due another appointment til next Thursday? ! I will be better or dead by the time they establish any kind of programme for me and I'm so angry and sceptical about it I feel like never returning. I feel like I've been given tablets and that's it.
Waiting, I'm glad you made it through and are doing well. I wish I could see that happening for me but all I see is feeling like this forever, like the change is irreversible. The cbt was offered via IAPT I think? The therapist said cbt would be preferable to talking therapy in my case, am not entirely sure why. Maybe I can ask for something else/additional but I've lost faith at the moment. I feel hopeless.
Olympics, I could easily drink everything in sight if I thought it would give me some respite, but it wouldn't so I don't. I was almost hoping the wine and tablets would numb my emotions but not sure that worked anyway.
I see the sense in a mothers help for example, but couldn't really afford that now and would probably hate having a 'stranger' in my home. I will see what surestart might have to offer as I don't really know. Thanks for the suggestion.
I still feel bitter and upset that dp and my mum had a 'day off' from me. But I get that it's not their problem.
I don't get a bloody day off from being me or feeling like shit The flashbacks and panic don't have a day off.
I don't think I'll be asking for any more help. What is the point?

So sorry to have just caught up with the thread....Been a ridiculous few days.

Sorry to hear that things are still so difficult (to say the least.) I'd echo the suggestion for Home Start or similar. Medication aside, what can really help is some practical support for the small but overwhelming things. I had similar back in the day with DD and it was a lifesaver.

And don't stop asking for help. Asking for practical support when they've offered isn't wrong. If they say no, ask someone else. It's not personal to them. You just personally need the help.

Thanks Noncommittal - for checking back with me. You (and others) have been so very kind. MN has been my only outlet and I don't think you will all ever know how appreciative I am and how much all your support has meant. I have never felt more sisterly solidarity. (And I hope your 'ridiculous' few days have been busy ridiculous rather than bad ridiculous iyswim).

I am exhausted again this morning and so anxious.

I read up on what Sure Start might be able to offer me. Almost cannot believe that someone would come round and help with stuff for free?! When I was 'normal' me, it's the kind of thing I'd love to do for others. If I ever make it through this, I'd volunteer. I'm going to print off the form today and fill it in. That will be something positive.

I am also going to try focusing on one small task at a time, a bit like Olympics. I am almost ocd with tidying and minimalism and what with all ds's bits and pieces everywhere I'm feeling claustrophobic in my flat. I'm going to start organising/clearing one cupboard/area at a time. Even the thought of this makes me feel calmer and gives me a purpose other than just surviving. I need something because the intrusive thoughts about self harming and the wanting to drink with the tablets reached a scarily all time high yesterday. As well as walking into a hospital and begging them to admit me.

Think my mum will be round today, and of course dp. I've decided to say to both one last time 'I need more help' and see what transpires.
Thank you all again.

Can you think of things they could do or say that would help? And what not to say and do?! When I was bad, I had to tell dh 'I find it helpful when you say this, but not this'. Keep going op.

Op I've just read your thread and want to offer a hand hold. I didn't have pnd or ptsd but I have suffered with anxiety for years. I am on sertraline and it definitely helps. It doesn't cure things or take all your worries away, but it helps things to feel less overwhelming. I did cbt after I'd been on meds for a while. It didn't do much for me. Actually, it stirred things up a bit for me and short term I felt worse rather than better. So it might be better to put that on hold for a few months.

For now, persevere with the meds. You won't see a difference overnight but in a month or two things might feel a lot more manageable. Keep asking for help from dh and dm. I'm so sorry you're going through this but it will pass. I know it's hard to believe when you're rock bottom but it will pass.