Drowning in PND - and getting worse

[ImHappyDreaming]

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

So glad you can get some help from SureStart. I think that CBT helps because it gives you power over the thoughts that you are having and gives you the ability to challenge those thoughts rather than believe them. Its a powerful tool that you can use in a number of ways. I also had postnatal OCD which was purely obsessional, intrusive thoughts without a ritual. CBT can really help with that kind of thing too. Could it be that your intrusive thoughts fit that pattern?

How are you doing today imhappydreaming?

@imhappydreaming just thinking of you and wondering how you are

Sorry I've been off the thread for a while. I feel like other people have a better understanding and suggestions that will help more.

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing x

Hello ladies and thank you all.
I am really tired and everything is an effort. I couldn't even get on here. I just want to sleep.
Not yet feeling better/good/myself or normal? Just a bit zoned out, hungry (but it's still hard to eat ) and still crying and anxious and panicky just with more time and blankness in between episodes. So maybe that's doing better? I guess I have to give the mirtazapine more time... At least I've been taking them.

I had my cbt appointment at midday and was terrified. It went ok I I guess? I think I might agree with you Scarlett, and am worried I'm not in the right place for it. The therapist said the regression stuff next week will be difficult. Im dreading it. Maybe it will be helpful though? Was hoping as you suggested Waiting, that I might get some long term tools. I have had intrusive thoughts at other times too so I think I'll stick with it for now. I don't want to just take tablets.

Thanks Lapin and Koalas for thinking of me.

And you too Anna, how are you doing?

Hello again ladies. I hope you're all well.
I am not though. Head and stomach aches. Still feeling incredibly overwhelmed at times (less frequent but still at least three times a day, crying and anxiety). Hopeless at the thought of ever feeling better. I've been taking the tablets for nearly two weeks now.

Please - can anyone tell me when I will feel any better? Can a medication that's previously worked not work at a different time in your life? Are my postpartum hormones harder/different to deal with?

Do ADs even work for ptsd???? Is that being disregarded/put to one side because of the pnd? Is the cbt meant to work for that? And how long will that take and how do I survive til then? I'm sorry for the rambly questions.
I have been forcing cheerfulness to my dp and family to give them a break and to try and stop them worrying but it's wearing thin. Ds is fussy as hell and restless because its humid (now rainy so don't want to take him out). I cant breathe. I feel like he needs me to soothe him and I cant. Mum's just come round and I'm shamefully relieved to have a breather and a gigantic glass of wine.

I am thinking very dark thoughts. The increasing periods of numbness make me want to self harm to feel something. I do want to feel - just not feel desperate or out of control. I'm either a zombie or a wreck. I can't stand being either much longer.

Thanks for all the advice so far, I don't know where else to turn.

I think if you are having thoughts of self harm then it's time to get more expert help. It could be that the dosage of anti depressants needs to be adjusted for example.
Have you ever seen a psychiatrist or just a GP?

Hi Lapin, thanks.
No not seen anyone except cbt therapist twice and my (brilliant) gp recently. Have seen a psychotherapist before, weekly for a year. This was about 4 years ago.
The dosage is quite low I guess - but will more just make the numbness worse?

A psychotherapist is not the same as a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a doctor who diagnoses and prescribes treatment. I would go back to your gp and say you're not feeling better and would like a referral

Thanks Lapin. I didnt know I could ask to see a psychiatrist am clueless... I thought someone else decided that - maybe my doctor doesn't think I need one? I will ask her and see what she says on Wednesday as I do trust her. I will tell her I'm not feeling better. Do you know by any chance how long the medication should take to work? Or how long it might take to see a psychiatrist (and what they might do for me?) I don't even know what might help. I'm so desperate.
Sorry for all the questions and thanks again.

When I had straightforward anxiety my ADs worked in a week.
With PND they took at least 3 weeks.

A psychiatrist can diagnose you much more accurately than a GP and will also prescribe appropriate medication and monitor your response to the meds.

imhappy when I started on sertraline, it was a few weeks (3 perhaps?) before they started to work. I remember being in the shower one evening and realising that I was singing and that I felt light and something approaching happy for the first time in a long time.

It wasn't all uphill from there though. I was still up and down and had some really bad days, but gradually I realised I was having more good (normal) days than black days.

I was disappointed that the meds hadn't cured me, that I wasn't happy all the time and that I still got anxious and had bad days. Then I suppose I accepted that it's not normal to be happy all the time. That these tablets don't take all your troubles away and that you will still get scared or worried or anxious. I didn't increase the dose of sertraline I was on even though I do think it would help, because it does affect my stomach and I didn't want those side effects to worsen, but the tablets definitely take the edge of things and allow me to function normally and mostly enjoy life.

This is such a waffly post. What I'm trying to say is that I can see from your posts over the last week or so that you seem to be having some better days but when these good days are followed by black days, you feel you are still nowhere near getting better. I think, from my own experience, that having some good days is a great sign that the tablets are having an effect. Hopefully the good days will become more frequent and the bleak days less so, until you start to feel stronger and more normal. Don't give up hope. It feels bleak when you are going through this but it will get better.

I'm glad you're going back to your gp this week. Discuss upping your medication and tell her about the thoughts of self harm. Hang on in there.

For me, I realised I wasn't crying every day after about three weeks, but it took six weeks to feel almost myself again.

Op, please ignore the comment in my post above about you starting to have some better days, I've confused your thread with another one I was reading. But apart from that, hopefully the other stuff I've waffled on about might help a bit.

Thanks for the replies everyone.
So maybe I have to wait a little longer for the meds to kick in, since roughly 3 weeks seems the consensus? I don't honestly know if I can. I feel like running out of my skin today.
Its ok Scarlett and thank you. No, I don't know if I'm having any what I would call good days, unlike the other thread you mentioned. I wish I was. I don't expect to be belly laughing, but did think I'd be better than I am iyswim? I still feel so broken.

The weather (humid, grey, on and off showers) isn't helping either. My head feels like it will explode and my stomach and appetite both still a mess, made worse because of tablets. No dp and no mum here at the moment. Feel a bit pathetic to be such a mess here with dcs alone.

Crying again.

Please call your gp and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. You deserve some better help & support

Hello ladies - thanks again to all of you who posted and have been so kind.

I thought I would come on and update what's been happening (and to ask for more advice - sorry in advance.)
I haven't been able to post anything at all as I've been living in a bit of a fog the last few days/week. I sometimes feel I get further and further away from everything, except dcs.
I hate feeling like this. I expected to feel better than I do by now. I actually had a couple of days where I thought I felt normal?? But I came to realise that 'normal' was that I still feel numb, disconnected, anxious and broken.
Im horrified that this is my new normal. Has the happy part of me gone forever??
I missed a couple of doctors appointments (partly forgetfullness, partly despair at going over everything again, partly fear of asking about a psychiatrist Lapin)
I did go on Thursday though. Ds had jabs and I thought 'Im here now'. I couldnt ask about a psychiatrist. I don't know why. My doctor upped the dosage of the mirtazapine, and I dont know how I feel about that.
I'm so exhausted now, I am starting to think I am changed forever.
I don't know the difference between the pnd and the ptsd. I didn't think the medication was for the ptsd, and am beginning to wonder if the once weekly cbt sessions (I've had three, two over the phone) will help enough. It doesn't feel like they are.
I wanted to ask - will increasing the dose prolong the side effects I've had from starting the medication? Does anyone know? Because the headaches and stomach aches are an extra burden, and I feel as if the goalposts have been moved - I was hoping I was nearing the end of this stage and I'm running out of hope.
And also, has anyone just never been the same again? Or is it just me?
Thank you all.

Having another anxiety filled day - feel so strangely disconnected. Still having trouble with the medication. Feels like I'm struggling with even more stuff than before, what with the side effects and everything. Am so frustrated and feel so alone.

Btw I realise this thread is probably not appearing much as I haven't posted so sorry if its obnoxious to try and bump it a bit. Just looking for any similar experiences or any advice on what to expect with increasing the dose of my meds - I feel like nothings working for me or that I'm doing everything wrong.
Im scared I won't ever be 'better' and that this is overwhelming me.

Imhappy Please believe me when I tell you that you won't be like this forever. You won't spend the rest of your life like this. There will be a time when you look back at this part of your life and thank God that it has passed. I promise you.

It may take a while to get the right medication and treatment. You need to be brave and keep asking for help. You also need to keep talking about how you're feeling, (whether in real life or on here,) because reaching out to people helps you to feel a little less alone. For me, the worst part of anxiety/depression is how isolated and lonely it makes you feel. Keep remembering that millions of us have been through it and we understand.

If I'm being honest, I don't think that anyone comes through a serious bout of depression or anxiety completely unscathed. You can't be exactly the same person afterwards because,like any awful experience, it 'scars' you to an extent. But you will be happy again. Your depression won't always be the first thing you think of in the morning and it won't always dominate your very waking minute. Sending many many good vibes xx

Thank you so much ScarlettDarling - I really hope so.
I'm going to try and keep going.
I'm still doing one step at a time and feel so fragile still but what's the alternative?
I will keep posting on here even if the thread is not very active as writing things down seems to help a bit and I've had so much good advice and kindness.
Thanks again.

imhappy one step at a time is a great plan. Don't think too far ahead, just get through each day as it comes. You won't wake up one day and be cured...unfortunately depression and AD meds don't work like that. What will happen is that there will start to be small episodes of feeling more normal, or more like the old you, or even something approaching happiness. At first, these episodes will be rare and fleeting, but they will become more frequent and longer lasting. Slowly you will get stronger and one night you will go to bed with a smile on your face and thinking that today has been a good day.

This could take months, you need to be prepared for that. Try not to put pressure on yourself and think "I've been on medication for weeks, I should feel better". Try to be accepting of how you're feeling, but reassure yourself that it will get better. Big hugs

Thank you Scarlett. I'm trying.
Am awake and feeling panicky and weird at the moment.
This is so hard.
Anyone else awake?

How are you today imhappy? Hope you got some sleep last night?

Thanks Scarlett, I've been ok (ish) and managing not to fall into the abyss (so hard at times).
The cbt therapist has referred me to the perinatal team who apparently will come to my home since getting someone to have ds while I attended regression therapy was proving so hard what with dp, mum and other family or friends working. She felt I wasnt making progress and I agree. So I dont know what happens next or what to feel.
I still feel numb, over - medicated and overwhelmingly anxious at times especially at nights. I still can't unpack my hospital bag (ds was 19 weeks last Weds ) and on Thursday I heard a piece of music on the tv that I was playing to ds in those small, scariest of hours while in hospital when I went back in ill after having him. I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Instant tears and panic and remembering everything. This shook me up so much, realising how much I'm still affected.

Its been a difficult week anyway because I went to school 2 minutes away from Grenfell Tower. Its my area. I was down there on Friday night at a vigil. So many awful emotions yet feeling grateful for life, no matter how difficult.

Today I'm still finding it hard though. Dd has gone out with dp and siblings for fathers day. Ds is with me (too small to really appreciate an outing this year and too hot out) plus is teething! (already) so extra fractious
Im so tired and worn down.