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Original poster

Drowning in PND - and getting worse

222 replies

ImHappyDreaming · 28/04/2017 22:26

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

OP posts:
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Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 04/05/2017 17:36

Thanks for thinking of me Koalas.
Yes I did see my doctor. Ds was grizzling this morning, and a bit warm - I think from the jabs yesterday. Managed to get Calpol into him after a panic attack that fate would somehow conspire against me like a cruel joke and I wouldn't be able to get to the doctors after all. But I did, and it was a relief to see her.
We decided to give a low dose of mirtazapine a go, as well as diazepam for the really bad panic attacks. I have to go back on Monday as I am not sure this will be enough. I'm not sure my doctor thought so either but I have to start somewhere. I couldn't go into the physical pains either, it was too exhausting and I am scared of addressing it, stupidly. So am still worried about that.
I was feeling more confident about actually taking the tablets earlier.
Now I feel at sea and confused again. I'm scared of the medication. But have had several bad moments today and think am starting to get truly desperate. I am probably too scared to take the tablets now though I suppose I should.

OP posts:
teacher54321 · 04/05/2017 18:03

Hello! Have been thinking of you today Flowers please try to take the tablets, even if it's a really low dose it could still take the edge off it which should make a difference. Xxx

Haggisfish · 04/05/2017 19:21

Yes, please do take the medication-I know how hard it is but you wouldn't hesitate to take paracetamol for pain, would you?

QuiteLikely5 · 04/05/2017 19:27

See it this way - you couldn't feel any worse - so the tablets can't make you feel worse

Honestly this will pass - you won't feel this way forever - just take the meds to help get you through these dark days - you will get back to your old self

And if your baby's milk needs changing how about trying Aptamil Comfort? It's gentler on the digestive system

HomityBabbityPie · 04/05/2017 19:27

Where in London are you op. I have had similar experiences, also in London and more than happy to buy you a cup of tea any time you'd like to chat Flowers

KoalasAteMyHomework · 04/05/2017 20:40

Am glad you've seen the doctor you feel a bit more comfortable with.

Try your best to take the tablets - as other posters have said it may help take the edge of.

You already know that you need to get the physical pain sorted out too - maybe bring it up at mondays appointment or email the doctors when you have a moment where you feel you are able to, if talking seems too hard.

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 04/05/2017 23:21

Thank you all. I'm going to do it.
Dp suggested I should start them tomorrow because a) He'll won't be working so I can rest up (they play havoc with my already wrecked appetite and irritate my stomach) and b) because they (mum and dp) convinced me to go out for an hour with my best friend whom I hardly see (she works long, changeable hours) for a drink.
I was so apprehensive, but went. I hardly spoke about everything, sort of shutting down again. It didnt feel like I was there iyswim?
I was only gone just over an hour and returned to a wide awake ds. He seemed fine (awake but not fussing) but I wish I'd never left him Sad
The nights are the worst. I'm panicking now.
Homity - I'm in NW London.Thank you for the kind offer. Its something else to work towards. Flowers
QuiteLikely - thankyou - I think I solved that issue. I think - horror - some tap water got into ds's feeds a couple of times. I feel sick about it. Its those MAM anti- colic bottles, they let in the cold water while you leave to cool down!!! I made a couple like that (rather than leaving them on the side to cool or holding under running water as usual) and that, I think upset his tummy? I 're-enacted' making up a bottle like that and sure enough, the volume of formula increases.
There are so many things to worry about and be scared of.
Thank you all again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 12:40

It's like one step forward and ten back.
Was awake and struggling at 3am. Just when I was working up the courage to take the tablets (which would work best in conjunction with the cbt according to my gp) the therapist just rang to say she's on leave next week so my next session will be the following week. I haven't seen her since April 19th and have made little/no progress since, and now it will be ages til I see her next.
This feels like a huge setback. Or maybe I was placing too much hope in the cbt anyway? I just need to do something - other than just cope/survive. Its exhausting.
My panic today is centred on being examined down there by the nurse next week. The flashbacks are enormous just thinking about it.
Sorry, I am rambling/all over the place, I know. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 17:54

Anybody there? Am feeling like this is the only place people understand.
My dp and family are trying. I know they love me but I feel like they can't reach me. Or I can't reach them an explain why I feel like this. It's so lonely. Sad

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 19:22

I'm sorry it's like this today OP. Have you stated the medication? X

teacher54321 · 05/05/2017 19:27

Hi there, I'm sorry you're still feeling so low. Can you bring yourself to start taking the tablets? Please don't let The setback of your therapist being away prevent you from starting the course, even if they will work better in conjunction in with CBT, they are still better than nothing xx

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 21:19

No not taken them yet. My gp said to take them at bedtime.
I feel numb, hungry but I've not eaten, tired but no chance of real sleep. Anxious and wanting to scream.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 21:19

Thank you both btw.

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 21:23

Is baby in bed? If so maybe a bath and snack (I'm thinking 🍫) might be nice? I used to take diamazepan for pain before I had DD & it worked wonders post bath. I understand we were taking for different reasons but it made the sleep lovely without being a drugged up feeling sleep

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 21:25

I don't know what I am going to do until meds work (if?) or until the cbt. It's too much.
I'm thinking I can't do it. Sad

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 21:28

You CAN do it. You ARE doing it. The mess you've been given might not be the perfect ones but you're at the start of that journey. I'm on paxoetine & find it's really good for me. But I know others who it doesn't work for.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 21:29

Diamazepan (sp?) works instantly & doesn't need to build up. The other one I'm not sure I'm afraid

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 21:30

Meds! Not mess!

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 21:34

I thought about taking a diazepam YouCantArgue, but have not had the choking crying in the bathroom today - just numbness and silent fears. Am a bit scared (since they are more 'as and when') that I'll start taking them to stave off panic (often) or to just maintain my equilibrium (that could mean all the time).

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 21:45

I'm not a medical person at all but I'd take one tonight and get some sleep.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 21:46

The GP wouldn't replace the script if they thought that you were over using them. Also once the other ADs have kicked in that'll help reduce the constant hum of anxiety & depression. Or at least that's my experience

Haggisfish · 05/05/2017 21:59

Have you tried beta blockers? Not habit forming. I avoid temazepam etc for same reasons as you op, and I don't actually find they work well for me either.

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 05/05/2017 22:39

No Haggisfish, never tried beta blockers. I'll do some research as I don't know much about them, thank you for the suggestion.
I will take a diazepam tonight. I cant take anymore. I will try to start the mirtazapine too.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 22:44

I hope you sleep well op and have eaten something.

didireallysaythat · 05/05/2017 23:02

The thing with AD as I understand them, is that you need to take them consistently for a few days, maybe even a week or two, to "fully load" the receptors and you don't really get the benefit until you reach this state. While I know it can feel frightening at first to take the tablets, having been there a couple of times, I now know that it's the beginning of making things better. I think many of us on here have been in the same situation as you find yourself in now OP.

By posting here, you have a support team who are all rooting for you.